Everything in his world was grey. The sky, the houses, the people, even he himself didn’t stand out. People were passing him on the busy street, most not sparing him a second glance except the occasional giggle from a passing group of schoolgirls. He looked just like everyone else, the proper man in a suit, just off work, a black umbrella in one hand to protect him from the threatening clouds above his head. He was walking slowly with heavy steps towards the place he would meet Hyukjae. They had been friends since the first day of university. Even though they were in different majors, the two men, both equally lost on the first day had turned to each other for guidance. After managing to locate their classrooms, both a few minutes late, they had separated, but as lunch came and Hyukjae spotted him across the cafeteria he had been quick in joining the other. They had been inseparable from the start. Even when they actually go to know their classmates and made new friends they still spent most of their time together.

As time went on he noticed Hyukjae’s lack of talk about women and he was pretty sure Hyukjae had noticed him staring after quite a few men walking past them at campus. When their friendly bantering became a lot more packed with ual innuendoes they both knew perfectly well what they wanted and set out to get it. In other words they met in Hyukjae’s flat for a movie night, got drunk and ended up jerking each other of as best they could under the influence of alcohol.

They had never become an item and they didn’t count themselves as anything but friends. They still dated others, but at times they came together. It never did feel odd and it never affected their friendship, they loved and perfectly understood one another but they were also mature enough to realize they found each other attractive in nothing but a physical way.

Nowadays they were just friends and had been so for years. Hyukjae had met Donghae a couple of months ago and he couldn’t remember seeing him this happy before. He envied him at the same time as he was happy for him and as much as he wanted nothing more than to be home right now he missed his friend too much to not meet up with him.

They were meeting at a park that was close to both their flats, a place where they had spent a lot of time in the summers, eating icecream and watching topless men jogging. How long ago had that been? No matter how hard he thought about it he couldn’t remember the last time he had icecream. It seemed like a different life, like it had happened to someone else.

He felt his facial muscle twitch just below his left eye and he rubbed his palm against the affronted skin to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling. His neck was sore from the day at work and he really wanted to sit down, preferably at home, alone. The only park bench close to him was taken by and elderly couple and it didn’t look like they would move any time soon

His feet were shuffling impatiently on the asphalt as he waited for Hyukjae to arrive. He was early and if old habits were anything to go by his friend would be at least five minutes late. When the first few raindrops fell, he was quick to put his umbrella up and he didn’t notice his friend had finally joined him until he saw a familiar pair of sneaker clad feet stop right in front of him.

♦♦♦

‘How are you Kyuhyun?’

They were walking around the park, Kyuhyun still hidden under his umbrella even though it was barely raining. He hated being wet and cold. Hyukjae’s face was half covered underneath a navy hoody that Kyuhyun had never seen before. It hadn’t smelled like him either when Kyuhyun hugged him and he was sure it belonged to Donghae. Those two spent almost all of their free time together now and he felt a twinge in his heart at the thought of his friend moving on in his life without him.

‘I’m good. You?’ His hand gripping the umbrella handle was white from the force with which he held it. He hated being asked how he was, he didn’t really want to discuss it. Nobody really cared, it was just a social thing. But coming from Hyukjae, he knew that the man was one of the few who actually wanted to know.

It was silent for a while and Kyuhyun actually thought he had gotten away with it but he should have known better. Hyukjae had a motive in calling him out and he wouldn’t fall for his lies anymore.

‘Don’t give me that crap Kyuhyun. You’re not fine and you know it.’ Worry was apparent in Hyukjae’s eyes as he turned to his friend and snatched the umbrella from his hands. He took his time folding the thing, looking around him as if searching for a way to form his next words.

‘I’ve been meaning to talk to you for some time now, about this... Something’s up with you, because you’re not yourself anymore. You haven’t been for over a year now Kyuhyun.’ His voice was laced with sadness and it pained Kyuhyun to know he had caused it, but the feeling only lasted for a minute before his mind went in to its normal defensive state. Who was Hyukjae to tell him what Kyuhyun was and wasn’t. He was an adult and he could take care of himself. He had everything he needed and then some.

‘Is this an intervention?’ he snorted at his best friend before walking faster, getting ahead of the other man. He was still moving at a brisk pace when he felt Hyukjae tug roughly at his shoulder, turning Kyuhyun around to face his friend’s angry look.

‘Stop it! You have no reason to get pissy at me just because I’m worried. If you want to call it an intervention that’s fine, do that. But I ing care about you and I will tell you this even if you don’t want to hear it!’ he hissed at him.

Kyuhyun hated arguing in public and he could tell his friend was trying his hardest not to yell. But hearing the tone of voice he was using, Kyuhyun knew there was no point in fighting back and he felt his anger drain away again leaving him with the same empty feeling as always. His friend could be a major when he got going, and causing a scene in public was not desirable.

Calming down slightly, Hyukjae instead took hold of Kyuhyuns hand. They were standing to the side of the pathway, not to be in anyone’s way.

‘I’m not the only one who noticed sweetie, everyone is worried about you. Even Donghae has noticed something’s up and he doesn’t really know you all that well yet.’ Hyukjae said in a soft voice.

Kyhyun flinched slightly at the endearment Hyukjae was using. He almost never called him sweetie anymore, it was something he had done in school mostly as a joke. Now he only used it when he was drunk or really wanted something. Realizing what Hyukjae had said about the fact that Donghae was also worrying, Kyuhyun couldn’t help but wonder why. He had only met the man a handful of times, and while he seemed incredibly nice, albeit a bit too naive, they had barley spoken. Like Hyukjae said, they really didn’t know each other.

‘What!? What did Donghae say?’ Kyuhyun couldn’t help but to be curious.

His friend seemed taken aback by the question and if Kyuhyun had been paying attention he would have seen the faint blush spreading on his cheeks.

‘He just said you seemed sort of depressed.’ Hyukjae blatantly lied.

He was not about to tell his Kyuhyun what his boyfriend had said after their very first meeting.

“Your friend needs to get laid, like really bad!”

And that was possibly the nicest thing he had said. On one hand Hyukjae was all giddy inside at his very perceptive boyfriend, at the other he knew that Kyuhyun needed more than a good to get out of whatever slump he was in. It was like his friend had lost all his spirit. Kyuhyun was gone and all that was left was an empty shell. It worried him, a lot more than he could even put into words.

‘You’re not the normal, temperamental, snarky brat that you’ve always been, and I feel like I’ve waited too long to tell you this, but I miss my best friend.’ Hyukjae almost whispered the last part.

Kyuhyun wasn’t at all surprised when he raised his head to find his oldest, closest friend with tears in his eyes. Hyukjae had always been a big baby.

Taking a big breath Kyuhyun decided he might as well open up and talk to Hyukjae. The other was clearly on a mission and he wouldn’t let Kyuhyun off until he had gotten a satisfying answer.

‘I don’t know Hyuk.’ He wasn’t sure where to start in telling his friend about his thoughts because he himself wasn’t sure what they were.

‘I just… I go to work, I hang out with you guys, I go home. Everything is normal.’

Hyukjae sent him a look telling him he didn’t agree.

‘That’s the thing though Kyu. You don’t really hang out with us anymore though, not like you used to. And when you do it’s like you’re not really there. You don’t talk, you hardly ever laugh… you’re not you anymore.’

Both men grew silent. Hyukjae had been spot on. He wasn’t himself anymore, he had no idea who he was or how he got to be this person. His life was the same as always and it confused him to no end that he would suddenly become someone else.

‘I don’t know why I’m not!’ Kyuhyun groaned loudly trying to find words for something that had no words.

‘I just feel like… I feel like I don’t feel. Does that make any sense?’

Hyukjae nodded, he had some clue what his friend was going through but he needed Kyuhyun to actually tell him for him to understand. And Kyuhyun did, he continued even though Hyukjae thought he would have to drag it out of the other.

‘I do the same thing every day. I used to love my work, now when I’m there I feel nothing. When I wake up in the morning all I want to do is go back to sleep. My life is exactly the same as it was before, nothing changed so I don’t know why I’m like this Hyuk. But it’s like nothing affects me anymore, I’m just… BLAH!’

Kyuhyun threw his arms out as if to show his desperation.

Hyukjae was just watching him for a while. The rain had started up again, and droplets were running from their hair into their eyes.

‘You’re blah?’ he said the word slowly, as if he was trying to let it sink in.

‘Yea… I’m blah.’ Kyuhyuns answer was simple.

‘As in Blah blah blah?’ Kyuhyun could hear the amusement growing in Hyukjae’s voice and he couldn’t stop himself from lunging forward to grab Hyukjae’s shoulders in a grand gesture.

‘I swear you are the only person in the world who gets me’ he said in a theatrical voice, laced with fake sobs.

It didn’t last long as Hyukjae was watching him with one brow raised and a sceptical smirk and that was all it took for Kyuhyun to start laughing. Hyukjae immediately pounced on his friend, pressing Kyuhyun’s face into his own chest and hugged him tightly. His arms wound around Kyuhyn’s back were one settled while the other was combing through his now wet hair.

‘I missed hearing you laugh you know.’ Hyukjae mumbled into his neck. They were standing there for some time, just enjoying the closeness and ignoring passer-by’s who stared at the two grown men embracing each other in the middle of the park. It was cold but Kyuhyun felt warm in Hyukjae’s arms. For the first time in a long time he felt almost content and safe. He hadn’t realized how much he missed being held.

‘Alright we should stop this now because it’s getting way to mushy even for gay men.’ Kyuhyun decided to break it up and withdrew from the hug while giving Hyukjae a rough slap on his shoulder, trying to earn some manliness back. His friend just laughed at him.

They exchanged small smile while Hyukjae once again took out the umbrella to shelter Kyuhyun who was by now looking like a drenched dog. Then he slid an arm around his friends waist and leant in to put his head under the umbrella as well. They started walking again, turning in to a more quiet part of the park, lined with old trees with branches that formed a green ceiling high above them.

‘Kyu?’ Hyukjae said after a while

Kyuhyun was enjoying the touch of Hyukjae’s hand against his ribs and didn’t want to pull away to look at the man.

‘Yea?’ He was looking at his feet, noticing his wet shoes but trying not to think about how expensive it would be to get them cleaned.

‘Did you ever stop to think that maybe the fact that nothing has changed is the very reason you feel this… apathy?’ Hyukjae’s choice of words hit home and Kyuhyun couldn’t help but feel that yes, apathy was exactly what he felt. He kept silent, he wanted to know where his friend was going with this.

‘You’ve had your job almost since you graduated, you hang out with the same people as always. You haven’t dated anyone in what…three years, four?’

Kyuhyun immediately cut him off.

‘I don’t have time for dating Hyukjae!’

‘NO, you DIDN’T have time for dating when you were working to get your promotion. You DO have time now. Kyuhyun, when was the last time you did something for yourself. When was the last time you took a day off, or took a vacation, you could go anywhere you want it’s not like you’re low on cash.’

Thinking about it Kyuhyun couldn’t really say the last time he had taken time off from work. Trying to get the promotion had taken a lot of effort, it seemed he got so used to working all the time that he didn’t even notice that it happened. But it wasn’t like a vacation would help him anyway. People in general annoyed him and fighting with tourist over the best spot on the beach was not on his list of fun things to do. Well nothing was really on that list anymore though.

And where would he go in the first place? His routines had in this point in his life taken over completely even if he wasn’t aware of it. He could feel the dread creeping on the edge of his mind when he thought of hotelrooms with dirty bathrooms and rough cotton towels. Where would he get his coffee, what would he do all day long? He remembered countless of horrifying business-trips that he spent counting the hours until he could return home. He did not do new places, that Kyuhyun was long gone.

‘I don’t want a vacation Hyukjae, nor do I need one.’ He said, possibly with a little more force than necessary.

Hyukjae didn’t seem to notice though, only leaning further into Kyuyun’s side to get away from the increasingly heavy rain.

‘You know I only want what’s best for you Kyu. I love you.’ He was speaking in a low tone but Kyuhyun heard him perfectly.

‘I know Hyung, I love you too.’ His voice sounded sad. He didn’t even know why. He was just tired and the rain was annoying him.

‘You need a change Kyuhyun, you can’t keep going like this. You know you can’t.’

The two men kept walking in the park for a while longer. They didn’t talk anymore, Kyuhyun was lost in though and Hyukjae didn’t see the point in filling the silence with meaningless words. Instead they walked, close together. Huddled under the black umbrella while the heavy clouds above continued to make his world dark.