tôrment;

  To some, summer was joy. To others, summer was nothing but smouldering suns and exhausted beings suppressed under the sweltering heat. To Baekhyun, summer was an annoying period; a tedious period of emptiness and coldness.

As he trotted across the road, hands in the pockets of his jacket, the choking taste of the threatening humid air crammed his lungs, making him feel suffocated. The others stared at him in bewilderedness; why would a man be ignorant enough to be wearing such thick layers of cloth under such oppressive weather? Despite realizing the strange stares and glares of pure annoyance, he carries on walking- on him, a mask, and a heavy heart.

He doesn’t stop to think until a devilish, energetic child comes forth and tugs onto his thick jeans, making him realize that the atmosphere had been full of noise, only that he had totally blocked off his senses. He eyes the child in confusion, feeling nothing, expressing not even the slightest emotion. After a few seconds, he starts to feel emotions flow through him, and for the first time in five months, he feels a slight tinge of happiness. Suddenly, the child starts to cry, flushing all emotions out of Baekhyun, leaving only helplessness. Sobbing noisily, the child starts whining and leaves Baekhyun standing- rooted right onto the spot.

Then swiftly, it comes to his mind; perhaps nobody wants him, perhaps everyone would leave. He had remembered when he was a kid; when nothing mattered at all and everything, everyone seemed fine. During those times, he had completely no obligation of taking care of himself, everything was taken care of; it was like he’d been completely distanced intentionally to ensure that nobody inflicted any harm on him. But, that was an illusion. Now, it was different. Out in the real world, he felt vulnerable, feeble, and weak; as if he would break even with the slightest touch. And then he thinks, everyone probably lives the same- everyone was born into the world, innocent, and then tainted. Tainted with negativity and the idea that everyone leaves at the end of it- and that with every hint of happiness comes a bucket of sadness. Despite this, he doesn’t comprehend it completely. He doesn’t understand why God had to introduce someone into a person’s life and then make the person disappear; to take him away. Once again, his thoughts start to frustrate him, and he feels consistent and irritating throbs in his head.

    Last summer, they’d been lying down on the tender grass, waiting as time gone by; the lush grass tickling their very ears. Baekhyun had felt so in peace, so calm, so happy. As hours passed, they would be talking endlessly, oblivious to the existence of time. Momentarily in between the conversations shared between both of them, awkwardness prevailed. There were moments where they would laugh about almost everything and then instantly have silence engulf the atmosphere. During moments like these, they would turn to face each other; unaware of each other’s feelings but trying to get into the head of the other. And then, Chanyeol would whisper, “What if I leave you one day?”

Without even thinking, Baekhyun’s lips would curve downwards into a frown. After exhaling deeply he would then say, “I would die.” On hearing this, a mixture of feelings would flood Chanyeol’s mind, making him unsure of how to react. At the end, he would choose to hide his feelings, questioning Baekhyun with, “Does our friendship mean that much to you?” When Baekhyun hears this, he would feel his heart sink, unsure of whether Chanyeol meant to conceal his own feelings or if the question was intended to offend. Baekhyun would then, choose to reveal a smile, shut his eyelids, and fall asleep beside him, with a strange feeling in his heart; in his mind answering, you mean that much to me.

    As seconds turned into minutes, Baekhyun realizes that he’d been walking for three miles now, and that his legs had started hurting. Yet, the pain wouldn’t have been as bad as the agony he had undergone for the past few months. Eventually, he reaches the traffic lights, half-convinced that he should take the time to rest; the other half, convinced that he should not stop- should not wait. He should not wait for time to pass, for the traffic lights to turn green, for light to become darkness. He never understood the meaning of waiting- maybe he did, but not now. He’d been waiting instinctively all this while, with no avail, no purpose, in the end. He waited, but nobody waited for him. Even when they [he] left, they [he] expected him to be there. Baekhyun once thought that waiting was an honourable thing; now it was nothing but sorrow. No wonder people said waiting was agony and grief; and so he knew.

His stomach lurches; and suddenly he feels dizzy. Call him insane but he had not realized that he had not eaten for the day. Slowly, he staggers towards a coffee shop, pushing the entrance doors to be greeted by a smiling waitress, asking something he didn’t seem to be able to understand or recall. He shifts his gaze nonchalantly towards an empty table situated at a deserted corner, and made his way towards it. As Baekhyun walks, he glances at his watch; 5pm. Instantly, he is reminded of the fact that, exactly five months ago, he’d been lying down on a meadow beside Chanyeol, happily waiting for night to come, for peace and serenity to approach.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

Chanyeol leaned against the metal railing on a highway bridge, secured by another that was situated a few metres away from where they were standing. The wind rushed past them continuously, allowing Baekhyun to inhale Chanyeol’s body scent repetitively. Gazing up at the purplish sky filled with scattered stars, Chanyeol exhaled calmly, resting his head on his arms against the railing, and then turning to face Baekhyun.

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol pauses in deep thought, and finally whispers, “Maybe because… you’re worth it.”

This makes something flutter inside of Baekhyun, but he tries to conceal it by revealing a slight smile, and then leaning forward against the metal railing, facing the latter. Unknowingly, both of them had shifted closer and closer to each other and were now leaning elbow to elbow. Chanyeol gazed beneath the bridges to watch the tiny cars (resembling tiny flickers of light) passing by without stopping for even a second, a bemused expression plastered over his face. Entirely engrossed in his observations of these eccentrically fascinating sights, Chanyeol had not realized that Baekhyun had been silently watching him all along; trying to scrutinize his thoughts.

“Baekhyun…” Chanyeol’s voice trails off as they eyed each other in awkwardness; one trying to figure out what he was trying to say, the other trying to search for words to speak. Before Baekhyun decides to break the invisible barrier that was stopping the both of them from feeling comfortable like they’d been for the past few months, Chanyeol mutters, “When you said you would die if I left, was it true- I mean, would you really die?”

Baekhyun almost instantly nods, but chose to stare at Chanyeol in a baffled manner. As Baekhyun examines him, he realizes Chanyeol’s gorgeous hazel-brown eyes, something he wondered why he had never realized.

“Promise me something, please?”

Baekhyun was slightly shocked to hear the anxious and almost pleading request coming from Chanyeol’s lips. Feeling more than just uneasy, he replies [with a question even though he’d never intended to do so], “Yeah?”

Surprisingly, Chanyeol stops leaning against the metal railing, turns to face Baekhyun, and bends slightly towards his ear; breathing into Baekhyun. Against the noises of the traffic, the honks of the cars, the swishing of the wind, Chanyeol’s deep voice was obscure as he murmurs, “If I ever leave, please promise me you would still be there; and when I turn around, please let me be able to see you waiting for me…always.” While Chanyeol speaks, he doesn’t realize that he had been trembling; when Baekhyun sees this, he slowly leans closer to Chanyeol, gently bringing his hands nearer to the latter’s, and then intertwining his hands with Chanyeol’s.

Even though Baekhyun says nothing and continues to stay still, trying not to meet the latter’s eyes, he secretly wonders why Chanyeol had said such a thing- Chanyeol had always been the deep, sensitive, and quiet person he’d known, but it wasn’t like him to speak about leaving.

It’d been a cold night; enough to send everyone loitering around the streets back into their houses, back to their ‘designated’ spots in deserted tunnels, back to warmth. But Baekhyun didn’t need that. Just standing there with Chanyeol, their hands against each other, was enough for him to feel warm and appreciated, even though a part of him did not want to admit the confusing, deserted feeling lingering around the very corner of his mind.

    Impatiently, Baekhyun takes a glimpse at his watch once more to realise that ten minutes had passed. Nonetheless, he wasn’t waiting for the coffee to arrive [for it already did], or for someone to approach him [he didn’t need that anyway]. The truth was Baekhyun didn’t really have any idea why he was remaining in the coffee shop. He had finished his coffee; sip after sip, the coffee in the cup draining little by little, second by second- just like his patience and his memories of Chanyeol.

There had been a load of memories they’d both shared but for some unknown reason, he could not recall most of them. Every time he attempted to reminisce the moments he had spent with Chanyeol, his head would pound hysterically, causing him excruciating ache. Nevertheless, Baekhyun never stopped trying, for he expected the pain to lessen every time he did so [but it never happened]. Instead, each time he attempted recollection, he ended up in more agony than before.

By now, the coffee shop was getting crowded from weary, lethargic-filled people returning from work; and the atmosphere was getting noisier. As Baekhyun peers around emotionlessly, he realizes that he was the only one who had been sitting alone whilst the rest were in tables of four, six, and eight, having the usual colleague coffee sessions- the ones where people sit around talking, sulking and giggling about issues that weren’t even half relevant or related to their careers; a waste of time, simply.

But at least, they had topics to talk about- and at least, they had feelings- had stuff to laugh about, to whine or be vexed about. Baekhyun didn’t. Sometimes he spends his time spacing out- thinking about what it’ll take for him to feel again; about how this feeling of emptiness would disappear. And then he would sense a continuous throb, and his head would hurt once more. Just like now, as he ponders- his chin resting against his knuckles- an overwhelming sensation of distress overcomes him.

Decidedly, Baekhyun got up of his seat, checked his watch once more, and strolls out of the coffee shop; plenty of eyes on him as usual, questioning the peculiarity of his outfit.

As he steps out of the coffee shop, a surge of wind rushed upon him, rubbing against his tender skin. It wasn’t cooling, neither was it cold- no one expects freshening weather during summer; it’s just plain humid, accompanied with an unusual sultry feeling. Although Baekhyun seems to think of the atmosphere as neither oppressive nor refreshing, the feeling of being out of the coffee shop- jam-packed with people who seemed to be chuckling or grumbling non-stop- felt almost better than he had been in the coffee shop [ironically, since the shop consisted of air-conditioners].

At least, he doesn’t get the feeling that they’re laughing.

“What are we?”

Every afternoon, Baekhyun would accompany Chanyeol for a stroll along the streets; it didn’t matter where- it wasn’t important. They would usually walk in awkward silence for the first few minutes, and then either one would be able to think of a topic to talk about- everyday it was different; those were one of the most significant moments where they really appreciated each other for the effort they each made to keep the other comfortable. But today, Baekhyun feels fuzzier than usual. Suddenly, he’s reminded of a question he had been asking himself for a while now. It had left him feeling confused. With all the determination contained in the heart of his, Baekhyun decided to attempt asking Chanyeol a question- a question that he, if not both of them, had been avoiding.

Chanyeol met Baekhyun’s eyes in silence for a few minutes before muttering, “I don’t know.” After those three words, silence prevailed once more as both continued pacing, their eyes glued to the ground; Chanyeol with his hands intertwined in front of him, and Baekhyun with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Even though they had been awkward during moments like these before, the uncomfortable feeling never lasted for this long- and it was killing Baekhyun, if not, both of them. Fortunate enough for Baekhyun, Chanyeol gave a slight cough, cleared his throat, and attempted to make more of an effort to reply the question given. “I guess... we’re best friends?” Baekhyun glanced at him but turned away when Chanyeol returned the gaze.

Best friends. Best friends.

“And what if I said- what if I said I liked you?” Before Baekhyun could even register his thoughts, it escaped his lips. Of course, he was anxious for having blurted such a thought, but he knew better than to show it. Even though he wasn’t looking at Chanyeol, he knew that he still had his eyes on him- and obviously, he wasn’t going to stare back- that would just make both of them feel more uneasy than they already were. When Chanyeol took his eyes off him, Baekhyun felt a sudden sinking feeling and hence tried to undo what he’d just said.

“I’m just joking don’t need to get so tensed up.” Baekhyun peered at Chanyeol, trying to see if un-doing it worked- perhaps it did, but all Chanyeol did was glimpse back at him, and revealed a weak grin.

Baekhyun forced a smile [even though it looked convincing enough] and reassured Chanyeol, “Look, I’m sorry okay? Pretend I never said that.”

It worked better this time and Baekhyun could almost see Chanyeol relax instantly. “Yeah, it’s okay.” This time, Chanyeol really smiled- or perhaps, it seemed real enough, at least, to Baekhyun.

Without each of them knowing, the awkwardness in the atmosphere diminished gradually- although there was much lesser to talk about this time as compared to the previous afternoon strolls they’d been together. Before reaching the alley that marked the end of their journey, Chanyeol unexpectedly questioned, “But we’re best friends, right?”

Surprised by the question, Baekhyun struggled to search for an answer by revealing imploring expressions, but the effort was proven infertile.

    As he walked, and walked, and walked, with his mind preoccupied with reminiscence, Baekhyun unconsciously reaches a deserted studio. For a few moments, he’s completely unsure of why he’s here, how he even got here. But when he finally decides to leave, memories flood his mind; memories they’d left behind, in this studio, this art studio. Except it wasn’t really an art studio. Nobody really comes here- nobody takes care of it. It was just, the both of them.

Baekhyun stands outside the art studio, scrutinizing the surroundings, contemplating on leaving or staying. Part of him didn’t want to remember- remember everything that once happened here. The other part of him told him it was okay to stay- that it was fine since he wouldn’t feel anything, since he had nothing else to feel.

With his left hand in his pocket, he pushed the door open, and it abruptly gave out an oily, creaky sound, revealing a space of darkness accompanied with a pungent, muggy stench. Thinking nothing of it, Baekhyun searched for the switch and suddenly, a picture of familiarity was brought upon him.

The art studio was still the same. It was still in the same condition as when they’d last left it; the tables and chairs arranged neatly; the canvas-stands placed in a corner; the materials aligned on the wooden cupboard; the brushes, paints, and palettes; paintings hung on all four sides of the room- Chanyeol’s paintings.

He walked towards the mini wooden tables and chairs and remembered that amidst all of it, would always be a canvas-stand and a tall stool, situated at the front- as if it was for a teacher [and all the mini stools for the students]. But it was different. It wasn’t for a teacher, it was for Chanyeol.

Baekhyun let his hands trail across the tall stool, as he tilted his head and gazed at it almost in wonder, and then up the canvas-stand, and onto the canvas which was covered with a black coloured cloth. He swallowed a lump of saliva accumulating in his throat, moistened his lips, and then supported himself onto the tall stool. Now facing the canvas, he contemplated on removing the cloth, or not touching it at all. Yet a voice told him not to- and he wasn’t sure whose voice it was- perhaps it was a part of him that didn’t want to deal with whatever was behind the cloth- or maybe, just maybe, it was Chanyeol.

    “What’re you painting?” Baekhyun stared at the back of the canvas stand, his chin placed on top of his knuckles, and then to Chanyeol, who was entirely focused on the canvas. Chanyeol glimpsed at him, and then smiled before looking back at the canvas. “Why?”

Baekhyun shrugged, laid both of his hands horizontally on the wooden table and leaned down such that his head was against his hands. Grinning back at Chanyeol, he replied, “I don’t know, I’m curious.” From this angle, Chanyeol looked absolutely tall, and big. Baekhyun smiled to himself and gazed at him continuously. Suddenly, Chanyeol chuckled and answered [as if he’d been using the whole time trying to think of an answer], “Hmm, you know…they say curiosity kills the cat.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, giggled and said, “Well, I’m not a cat.”

“I’m not trying to say you are one,” Chanyeol laughed and met Baekhyun’s eyes before continuing, “It’s just… a figure of speech.”

“I’m confused.” Baekhyun looked around in puzzlement, and rubbed his neck lethargically.

“If you’re tired, go to sleep.” Chanyeol muttered, not taking his eyes off the canvas. But Baekhyun doesn’t say anything and instead, yawns and snuggles into his own arms, his gaze weakly fixed on Chanyeol.

Half an hour soon passed since any of them said a word, and Chanyeol was starting to feel tired. Chanyeol peeped at Baekhyun from behind the canvas and realized that he had been sound asleep. Yet it wasn’t as if he hadn’t known it- as a matter of fact, he hadn’t had his eyes glued onto the canvas all this while. Every now and then, Chanyeol would steal a quick look at Baekhyun, and then continue with his art piece- it was just that Baekhyun didn’t realize.

But it was better this way.

Chanyeol got up silently and realized that his legs had stiffened from the long hours of sitting. Slowly, he picked up the brushes and palettes that he’d been using and walked over to the basin. After rinsing them, he placed them onto a tray, and paced towards the table Baekhyun had settled on. Gently, he picked up a wooden chair beside Baekhyun and sat down. Chanyeol quietly observed Baekhyun for the next few minutes and for the first time, felt cold air brushing against him.

Chanyeol got up casually and was about to head towards the cupboard to get a jacket for Baekhyun when he felt something especially cold against his hand. Chanyeol glanced across his shoulder at Baekhyun, who still seemed asleep. He was about to shift Baekhyun’s hand back onto the table when Chanyeol heard his voice; a soft and inaudible murmur.

“Chanyeol-ah, are you happy?”

Not knowing if Baekhyun was awake all this while or if he was sleep-talking, Chanyeol stood still with his eyes on him. After several seconds, Baekhyun whispered, “I hope you’re happy.”

For the next few minutes, silence prevailed once more. When Chanyeol was finally sure that Baekhyun was asleep, he gently took Baekhyun’s soft hands off him and walked towards the cupboard.

But as Chanyeol placed the jacket tenderly over Baekhyun’s shoulders, he heard him mumble under his breath.

“Please be happy…. Happiness isn’t real to me, it doesn’t exist. But I hope it remains real to you.”

    Baekhyun doesn’t realize how long he has been sitting on the stool until he feels a slight falling sensation. He glances around at the stool in bafflement, and then groaned softly. But the groan doesn’t come out smoothly as a choking feeling overwhelmed him. Abruptly, a drop of tear trickled down his almost-crumpled face. Baekhyun was so engrossed in his reminiscence that he’d lost touch of his own feelings. Not wanting his own feelings to overcome and control him, he got up [almost glad that he doesn’t have to continue sitting on the irritatingly unstable stool], and wiped away the teardrop with the back of his fingers nonchalantly.

He gives the room one last look, switches off the lights, and closes the door behind him; faster than he could stop to give it a second thought.

Out here, the air is purer and clearer; the space is larger; the place is brighter. Baekhyun inhaled and exhaled deeply and then feels a tinge of disappointment; Chanyeol’s scent, he can’t detect it anymore. But then again, what’s there to detect? In the end, it’s just plain, empty space of nothingness.

Stuffing his hands in both sides of his pockets, he took off once more. Once again, he has no direction; only to end up in the place his legs want to take him to- just like how he got here. Yet, he hesitates; as he wouldn’t want his next destination to be yet another place he’d once gone with Chanyeol. Even so, he doesn’t make an effort to think of a place to go next; only to leave it as it had been. After all, his life had been a life of no direction, since Chanyeol’s departure.

---

From here, Baekhyun sees a vague silhouette settling on one side of the metallic bench. He had been walking for the past half an hour and strangely, he hadn’t felt a hint of fatigue until he approached an almost deserted street. The overpowering yearn of finally resting, of finally seating, causes him to quicken his pace till he was almost running.

As he moves towards the bench, he realizes that the figure he had seen had been a largely inaccurate gauge of the size of the person. From afar, the figure seemed tall- almost as tall as Chanyeol. But standing at this angle, Baekhyun notices that the person was distinctively shorter than Chanyeol- even shorter than himself. Yet this doesn’t make the person any less attractive; he had rather sharp and vivid features. Baekhyun takes a glance at him, and surprisingly, he smiles at Baekhyun and shifts a little, seeing how exhausted he was.

Trying to avoid being hostile towards a person who smiled to him [after so many months of disapproving stares and glares], Baekhyun manages to force a grin before sitting down. It feels really weird to be this close to someone after months and months of being alone. Eccentrically, with the awkward and uneasy feeling accompanied an unexplainable feeling of warmth and tenderness. What’s even more puzzling was the fact that Baekhyun had an urge- an urge to look at the stranger, and to observe him.

After sitting in silence for twenty minutes or so, the stranger turns to him and asks solemnly, “Do you think happiness exists?”

This leaves Baekhyun completely stunned- as if it’d been something he had been wondering about himself. He gazes at the stranger, who still had his eyes on him, and tries to take in whatever was before him. Here he was, after months of isolation- finally having some interaction- with some stranger with blackish-brown, spiked up hair; large jet black eyes; slightly sharp nose; and thick pink lips. Not to mention his slim neck, which made him look increasingly appealing.

“I..” Baekhyun struggled as he tried to pick his words. When the stranger realized he had been causing Baekhyun unease, he slowly shifts his attention to his surroundings, so as to not pressurize him. Gradually, Baekhyun allows the words to escape his lips.

“No, happiness is a delusion, a misconception….it’s a dream.”

He expects the stranger to be totally put off by his answer, and to leave in a hurry. Yet, the stranger does nothing but chuckle softly.

“I see,” That was all the stranger had said- which gave Baekhyun enough reason to think that he would leave any time now.

But after a few minutes, both remain seated. The silence wasn’t oppressive though. Peculiarly, it seemed like something natural, something worth experiencing. Baekhyun doesn’t understand why, but once again, he doesn’t bother- it’s not like he’s going to spend the rest of his lifetime sitting here, beside this stranger, talking about life; about topics he had usually prefer to avoid.

“You know, they say that people suffering from depression see life as it really is; and those who don’t, live in a perception, a dream, an expectation that can never be fulfilled.”

He sounds like Chanyeol, was all Baekhyun immediately thought of. Instinctively, Baekhyun glimpses at the stranger and reassures himself; he’s not Chanyeol, Chanyeol doesn’t exist, anymore.

    Few more steps, few more steps.

Despite walking a long way from home for several times now, his body still hasn’t adapted to the constant strolling he’d been doing and being the third day he’d travelled here, Baekhyun still felt as tired as ever; taking the last few steps towards the bench was as tough as it’d seem effortless.

The somewhat weary figure chuckles at the sight of Baekhyun panting uncontrollably.

Baekhyun settles down and leans back onto the bench, sweat trickling down his face. It wasn’t all that tiring though- since he was breathing normally after concentrating on inhaling and exhaling for several moments. He assumes his body was making the least endurance improvement after all that walking for a week.

“What?”

Baekhyun gazed at the male who was seated next to him. You’d expect people to seem different after a while since life was is a tiring journey. Yet in spite of a few hints of weariness plastered across the latter’s face here and there, he seemed exactly the same Baekhyun had seen him the first time they met; his eyes still brought the unusual, peculiar warmth.

They eyed each other and then the stranger muttered, “Are you tired?”

The question baffled Baekhyun. Who in the world would ask such a question after seeing somebody so utterly exhausted? But the person continues staring into Baekhyun’s eyes- and even though anyone would get irritated by such a question, Baekhyun manages to resist it somehow.

“Yeah.”

“Well you should get used to it now.” The latter stops staring and shifts his gaze elsewhere; onto the deserted, abandoned, old buildings in the surrounding and then continues, “Have you ever experienced moments where you feel so tired of everything you don’t even want to carry on?”

Baekhyun examined the person in interest, half-pondering about what this person’s getting at. He exhales deeply and says, “I feel tired.” Leaning forwards with his hands on his thighs and his head hanging low, he continues, “and I don’t want to carry on.”

“I don’t know what caused the experience for you. And I can see that you’re upset, but I’m not all that good at comforting people.” Amidst those words, was the presence of an abrupt silence. Then he decides to carry on, “Here’s something I hope will comfort you. Let’s just say…we’re the same.”

He then proceeds and lets out a soft chuckle before getting up. He turns to face Baekhyun and smiles- and that’s when Baekhyun sees the hurt in his face, his expression, his smile.

“I have to go, now. I’ll see you two days later. As usual.” He gives Baekhyun a wave and walks off, arms hanging on either side, head up in a forcible manner.

Baekhyun watches as he goes- and doesn’t take his eyes off him until he’s completely out of sight. He secretly wonders about how he’d managed to leave such an impression. What did he mean when he said ‘they were the same’? Baekhyun tries to think but is gradually interrupted by the usual throbbing in his head. Although it had not been happening as frequently as it did the week before, it still hurt as badly once it came.

Baekhyun grasps either side of his head in agony, lowering his head to knee level so that enough support could be given to prevent him from collapsing.

And once more- just like he always did- he’s reminded of Chanyeol. And then the misery he’d put him through by leaving.

    That one peaceful night; a night like any other; the continuous shower of rain, making the night feel more serene than ever; the only source of light seeping through the transparent- although the view was made obscure as a result of the raindrops- windows of his room, Baekhyun slept as soundly as ever. Despite the occasional sounds of traffic and the lingering chatters outside in the streets, he fell asleep in a matter of minutes.

Shifting his sleeping posture unconsciously, he adjusted himself, to his side and shoved his right arm under his pillow; his eyelids still shut. This was him.

A person who didn’t have any worries, nor pain. A person who has never seen or experience fear. The person he was was a joyful, fearless, secure, and happy Baekhyun. Nothing at that time- as fake as it’d sound- could spoil the happiness he felt every day.

What did he feel every day?

Sometimes, people feel unmotivated- they feel as if everything in their life, they do simply for the sake of doing it. There’s completely no interesting happenings, nothing to look forward to. Every day was just a replay of the day that they’d just been through; there was utterly no point. On the other hand, some feel as if their life had just started. As if they’d been living their lives with their eyes closed for the whole time. And now that they’ve finally seen the spice, the excitement in life, they decide to go after it; to pursue it; and to never let go. This defined Baekhyun.

But is it in our hands whether or not we choose to continue pursuing it? Or is this mysterious essence simply taken away from us unknowingly?

“You’re really mean.” Baekhyun pouted at Chanyeol in disappointment. “I’m always the one hiding- it’s not even fun anymore. Why don’t you hide for a change?”

Chanyeol chuckled and ruffled Baekhyun’s soft hair before replying, “Well, I’m too tall. Wherever I hide you’d be able to find me.” Baekhyun gazed at Chanyeol intently while he continued, “Its better if you hide and I continue seeking as usual.” Baekhyun frowned slightly and creased, causing adorable, temporary wrinkles to form around his hazel-brown eyes. Chanyeol softened at the sight of this and thus said, “Fine, you can be the one to seek this time. I’ll go hide.” Reluctantly, Chanyeol gave up his frequent role in the game of hide-and-seek and goes off to search for a proper hiding spot.

“One, two, three, four…….” Baekhyun covers his eyes with both his hands as he leaned against a tree trunk. “Ready or not? Here I come.” Baekhyun stepped away from the trees and headed off to look for Chanyeol. Just like Chanyeol had expected, Baekhyun doesn’t take much effort to notice his tall figure behind a bush- a terrible hiding effort made in Baekhyun’s opinion.

“Caught you.” Baekhyun placed his right hand on Chanyeol’s shoulders and giggled. Chanyeol got up and muttered in frustration, “See. Told you.”

Nevertheless, this doesn’t take away the glimmer of excitement in Baekhyun’s eyes. “It’s okay.” Baekhyun reassured Chanyeol,“Let’s try again. It was nice, for me.”Chanyeol sighed jokingly and did as told.

Once again, Baekhyun finds Chanyeol; this time, behind a thick tree trunk not far away.

“Can we just go back to our own roles? I’ll continue being the seeker and you’ll be the one to hide.” Chanyeol complains and walks off to the spot where the seeker usually counts. Baekhyun immediately turns around and tugs him by the arm, saying, “Please, just one more time? I’m really tired of hiding all the time.”Baekhyun continues staring into Chanyeol’s eyes and for a moment, Chanyeol’s expression softened. Finally, he agrees and heads off; Baekhyun trotting off to do the seeker’s job.

“One, two, three, four, five…..: For some reason, Baekhyun seemed to find the time passing rather slowly and thus, went off to look for Chanyeol even before it reached forty. Baekhyun walked around the park, the leaves below him crunching with every step he took. As he gazed around, he gradually noticed how quiet the atmosphere had become. Baekhyun quickens his pace in slight anxiety; the branches and leaves giving off frequent crackles this time.

He turns his head left to right every now and then to keep a look out for any movement- even if it was the chirp of a bird, or the swoosh of the wind; but his hopes were let down. After searching for about a few minutes or so without avail, Baekhyun started to worry. What if something happened to Chanyeol?

Apart from the usual crunching of the leaves beneath Baekhyun, there was completely no sound; no rustles, no movement. Baekhyun started running all over the place, shifting his gaze every now and then to perhaps catch any movement. Beads of sweat were now running down his face, and then either continuing down his neck, or dripping straight to the ground. He started to breathe loudly and with every second that passed, his heart beat faster and faster. Adrenalin rushed through his body as if a water fountain would when flowing down a cliff by the pull of gravity.

“Chanyeol, where are you?” Baekhyun tries to call out into the deserted space but the deafening silence covers up his voice relentlessly. He continues running along trees, and trees, and more trees. Sweat poured off him as he felt his fatigue overwhelming his body; making him feel more exhausted than ever. “It’s not funny, Chanyeol,” He pauses to swallow the saliva rising up his throat and continues in an inaudible manner, “Please, Chanyeol. Where are you?”

No reply.

At this moment, Baekhyun is completely bewildered of not only what to do, but also the beads of water droplets dripping down his face; he’s unsure if it’s just the long run that has caused him such exertion, or if it had been just fear. And a mixture of sadness. He only manages to distinguish the two when he feels his eyes stinging as hot tears streamed down his face, trickling further onto his neck, and then disappearing to nowhere. 

Baekhyun wakes up abruptly to realize that he was completely drenched in sweat. He struggles to get himself back to reality and turns around to gaze at the clock; 4a.m. Baekhyun lets out a sigh of relief as he realizes that his dream wasn’t reality. He then slowly lowers himself back onto bed and starts wondering (even though any human would be too tired at this point of time) if it was all just a dream or if it was would be reality. On the surface, he knew it had just been a dream; but there was an unexplainable, sickening feeling deep inside him that bothered him, really badly.

Perhaps Chanyeol was right; perhaps he shouldn’t be the one to hide. Perhaps Baekhyun should’ve continued hiding. Perhaps seeking doesn’t suit Baekhyun; perhaps it’s not that fun. And perhaps, Baekhyun wouldn’t enjoy it- not till the end. Not even one bit.

    It’s been more than a week, and Baekhyun still hasn’t figured the name of the person. The most peculiar thing was the fact that neither of them asked. At first, Baekhyun wasn’t certain if he should, since there was absolutely no meaning and point of that; but after having several interactions with the said person, he slowly became interested into knowing him. Baekhyun feels rather amused by his own interest- because the only person who’d ever appealed to him was Chanyeol. And he’s gone.

Baekhyun stares at the being who seemed more than frail as compared to the days before, when he last saw him; last spoke to him. It was more than obvious that something had been troubling him, adding on the words he’d last muttered during the previous meet-up.

He gradually notices Baekhyun’s incessant gaze and turns around to meet his eyes. For a slight moment, Baekhyun is convinced of his interest in this eccentric stranger- perhaps it could be explained by pain. They were probably on the same boat; the same kind; two different people that experienced the same thing; the same pain. Besides, wasn’t that what he’d last revealed- the fact that they were the same?

Maybe they weren’t. Regardless of how he could’ve suffered- and as much as the remorse in Baekhyun to feel so- he wouldn’t have possibly undergone a pain as immense as Baekhyun had. Even if he had, something in Baekhyun refused to acknowledge such a possibility; it was just something too unimaginable, too painful.

With the disappearance of the glimmer of hope that someone could possibly understand him, Baekhyun stops making eye contact with the latter and returns to his reserved self.

“What’s wrong?” The said person seemed to be able to spot the difference in Baekhyun’s eyes, much to Baekhyun’s astonishment.

“Nothing,” Baekhyun leans back and stares at the sky before questioning, “Why?”

He shakes his head in reply to Baekhyun’s question, pauses for a few seconds, before saying, “Have you ever had this feeling of uncertainty that you despise so much you just want to free yourself from it; but you know there’s no chance of you being able to do it so you just wait till it all goes away?” He lowers himself and continues, “The feeling, it goes away; but only for a while. After several days, weeks- or even seconds- it comes back once more; and each time it does, the feeling just gets worse.”

Baekhyun observes him in a musing manner and chooses not to say anything; for he has learned that, the way to get him to talk was to remain silent.

But he doesn’t.

For the next half an hour or so, both of them sat in silence, watching the sun as it slowly descended; the moon as it ascended spontaneously into the night sky, around it a sheen of serenity.

“It’s time to go, don’t you think?” The stranger speaks up as he straightened himself, patting his thighs as if there had been dust on his jeans. Baekhyun gazes at him for a second and stands up, rubbing his neck in discomfort (for he had unconsciously been in the same position all this while). They eyed each other as Baekhyun replied softly, “It’s getting late, I suppose so.” A cloud of awkwardness prevailed as a consequence of the unspoken words of the stranger. Baekhyun had not known what to say of it; the said person chose to stay silent; and so they both did what they ought to.

“Goodnight, see you two days later.” Those were the last words he had said, before they both embarked on separate ways.

 And so Baekhyun thought.

Baekhyun continues walking ahead until he hears a soft murmur amidst the peaceful night. “Wait,” the familiar voice travels towards Baekhyun’s direction as the audible sounds of footsteps drew nearer, “You haven’t told me your name.”

For a moment, Baekhyun is baffled at the sudden question; because really, why now? He could’ve asked in any other occasion and it just had to be now. Not that Baekhyun didn’t want it (because he really did, after weeks of anonymity), but because it had seemed unusually strange for anyone to do so.

“Baekhyun,” He turns around to face the anonymous figure- whose expressions, along with his features had turned vague- and questioned, “Yours?”

“Kyungsoo.”

He reveals a smile (as if he’d been really happy to finally know Baekhyun’s name), turns around, and walks off without saying another word, the darkness slowly consuming his silhouette. Baekhyun stands in silence for a few seconds emotionlessly before heading off into the opposite direction.

As he saunters with his hands stuffed in his pockets (an unavoidable habit now), he unconsciously mouths the words repeatedly.

“Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo….”

    Two days later, they meet again; but it doesn’t exactly resemble the previous meet-ups. Ever since the night they’d last seen each other, something in Baekhyun had been pestering him incessantly, leaving him in a state of indignation for the days that passed. As soon as Baekhyun reaches (this time in a more solemn manner; unlike the disheveled state he’d been in the previous encounter), he sees Kyungsoo sitting by the bench, his appearance immaculate, his feet tapping onto the ground repetitively in cadence.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says, before stopping in his tracks in a state of perplexity; the words tumbled out of his lips rather easily but as it echoed in his mind, a feeling of uneasiness surged through him, “Um, I have something to show you- if you don’t mind.”

Kyungsoo looks up at him in bewilderment as he tries to register the sound of his name being pronounced by Baekhyun- for the first time ever. He attempts to compose himself and replies, “Not at all.”

Baekhyun grins and hurries off, leaving Kyungsoo behind as he struggled to keep up to Baekhyun’s pace; his mind still recalling what had just happened a few minutes ago.

The walk seemingly took forever, and Kyungsoo finally understands the reason why Baekhyun always arrive in a somewhat unkempt manner, his expression always languid. Just when Kyungsoo was about to request for a rest, he sees Baekhyun turn around the corner into a deserted area filled with buildings that were apparently abandoned. Baekhyun ambles up a tiny set of stairs, and ceases, turning around to check on Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo attempts to quicken his pace, not wanting to be mocked about his frailty. As he reaches the top of the stairs (not that it was even long), he comes to an abrupt stop, leans down; hands clasping his knees, and breathes heavily. Baekhyun glances at the sight of the exhausted figure and smiles in slight mirth before proceeding to push open the slightly-more-than-squeaky brown wooden door.

Both stepped into the room to be greeted by a familiar overpowering, muggy smell. The same smell, thought Baekhyun somberly. Baekhyun trailed his fingers along the walls that have long turned yellow, searched for a switch, and click. A complete, sped-up scene of what happened in this room just a few months ago flashed past Baekhyun’s mind, causing him unexplainable distress.

Baekhyun glimpses at Kyungsoo, who had long shrugged off the sheen of lethargy and was now exploring the aspects of the room; mind wandering as he gazed at the paintings hung all over in amazement.

Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, for a reason he couldn’t seem to fathom, his mind consistently conflicted itself as a patient suffering from cognitive dissonance would. This left him rooted to the spot a few inches away from the door, uncertain if he should just take Kyungsoo and leave this place right away, or if he they should just stay.

“These paintings are so beautiful,” Kyungsoo muttered under his breath as he lets his fingers trail against the textures of the lustrous portraits and landscapes, “Did you draw these?”

Baekhyun swallowed in grief as he eyed Kyungsoo in an imploring manner. By the time Kyungsoo realized what he’d meant to say, Baekhyun had managed to let a word escape his lips as he mumbled softly, “no-“

“Sorry, I see,” Kyungsoo kept his hands to himself and stood as he gazed around self-consciously, “I understand.” He tries to avoid making eye contact of any sort as he took tiny steps around the room- a little too prudently.

“What?” Baekhyun stepped away from the door, putting away thoughts of leaving; taking steps towards Kyungsoo in an attempt to question him. “What do you understand?”

Kyungsoo notices his gradual approach and tries hard to keep away from him- for it seemed strange enough to be standing here, in this art studio, with Baekhyun. Then, having understood the purpose of being here, and the meaning of all these; whose memories these were. To be able to experience Baekhyun’s pain for the first time, to feel it, and to have it surround him; enclose around him, in this very room- it all seemed almost unreal.

“I-I..” Kyungsoo stares at Baekhyun nervously as he walks towards him slowly, and then asks in a somewhat solemn manner, “This, it’s your pain isn’t it?”

Baekhyun tries to fight the emotions that bug him constantly, continually convincing his feelings to take over him. He stops walking and remains a few inches away from Kyungsoo, his heavy heart sinking down on him. “It’s suppressing,” is the next word that stumbles out of Kyungsoo’s lips as he roams around the room, pretending to be indifferent.

“What is?”

“The pain, the agony,” Kyungsoo ceases and turns around to look at Baekhyun, finding it increasingly difficult to continue; nevertheless he did. “I’m sorry- it’s all over the room, I can practically feel it weighing down on me.”

Baekhyun doesn’t want to question any further; he doesn’t want to speak. He doesn’t want to have to face it- although he doesn’t exactly understand what he’s trying to escape from. Baekhyun just wants it all to leave, to go away; he wants to cry and be comforted- just like the treatment parents provide their children. But he knows these wants of his can never be fulfilled. Besides, the real world is unlike the world children live in; when you grow up, everything diminishes; innocence, happiness, and protection. It’s almost as if what used to be the world you live in isn’t there anymore.

"Don't say it." Baekhyun chokes on his words half-way but manages to deliver it coherently.

"What happened?" Kyungsoo takes tiny steps; moving closer to Baekhyun, his voice filled with curiosity and an evident hint of consolation. However, he sees Baekhyun starting to back away in fear; making him stop in his tracks in perplexity.

Baekhyun gazes at him in anxiety as he continues backing away, his arms raised to his ears as he harshly clasps them in the palms of his. "Please, don't say it," he struggles to keep back his tears, but his eyes starts to water; his vision starts to vague as a layer of water surges over. He starts squinting as if he's hurting, as if a sudden pain had overwhelmed and smothered him.

He continues stepping backwards until he finally feels himself bump against a wooden cabinet. Placing his cold, trembling hands against the rough surface, he pleads for Kyungsoo to stop speaking, once more.

“Shh,” Kyungsoo steps forward and tries to hold Baekhyun; who rejects the embrace at first, but whose vulnerability led him to give in at the end. He pulls Kyungsoo closer to him and grips onto his back, harder than Kyungsoo had imagined.

Gradually, Kyungsoo feels his cloth start to dampen; his back start to moisten. But Baekhyun doesn’t let go; each time he sobs, he holds onto Kyungsoo tighter- as if letting him go would make him die.

The room starts to fill with memories again; feelings inundated the room. Yet it wasn’t only sadness that had streamed into this room in less than an hour, but also warmth and affection. The kind of warmth that had not returned since a long, long time ago.

It is this sole moment where Kyungsoo finally realises that, he could possibly let go of the past for the sake of the future.

    It wasn’t long after that day that Baekhyun finds himself standing beside the bench once more. Everything had been the same; the weather, the usual isolation of the region, and the feelings this place gave him- except, Kyungsoo isn’t here.

Baekhyun stares at the empty spot beside him and wonders where Kyungsoo could be. The absence of Kyungsoo had changed the atmosphere around Baekhyun so immensely that he felt increasingly uncomfortable and had the sudden urge to return to his old ways; solitude.

Despite so, he was completely aware that his feelings were wrong. So what if Kyungsoo doesn’t come for a few days or so? Perhaps he fell sick or had been caught up in his own matters. Baekhyun attempts to reassure himself; resting against the bench, a smile plastered across his face.

Baekhyun spends his entire day sitting on the bench, awaiting Kyungsoo’s arrival- however, he doesn’t come. Slowly, his smile starts to curve downwards into a frown. Nevertheless, it doesn’t matter; Baekhyun remains seated on the exact spot till midnight- until he finally convinces himself to return.

For the next few days, Baekhyun doesn’t put much attention into washing his cloths, his dishes, cleaning his room- everything, in general. Even with lethargy washing over him, he couldn’t help but think of the possibilities of Kyungsoo encountering a mishap. When he feels as if he can’t continue thinking (for his head still throbbed once in a while), he presses his palms against one another and prays; in hope that nothing unfortunate happens to Kyungsoo.

    He finally gets to see Kyungsoo eight days later- but he doesn’t get to say much- neither does he get to express his frustration or voice out his questions regarding Kyungsoo’s sudden absence. When Kyungsoo requests for Baekhyun to follow him, Baekhyun realises the abrupt change in him; he looks frailer than usual; paler; evident dark circles around his tired eyes. Although this further provokes the urge in Baekhyun to understand why he hadn’t come for the past week, he chose not to speak; only to nod and follow.

They arrive and Baekhyun wonders what this is all about since it hadn’t seem to be really a place; it was just like any other street, any other pavement, any other tree. Kyungsoo stops under an exceptionally huge tree and trails his finger across the rigid tree trunk, seemingly hesitant about something. Baekhyun finally tries to speak, but Kyungsoo immediately cuts him off without even turning around. 

“This,” he pauses half-way in reluctance before walking towards the tree, and then continuing; “is my story.”

Baekhyun almost doesn’t register Kyungsoo’s words into his mind- but thoughts drifted into him, allowing him to understand the significance of this- why Kyungsoo had brought him here. For a moment he is overwhelmed with happiness of the fact that Kyungsoo was finally sharing his personal life with him. But as he remembers his unspoken absence, bewilderment slowly overcame him as he tries to fathom all that was happening.

He attempts to knock off all the thoughts- but as he does, he realises Kyungsoo standing near the tree, so close it was almost impossible for anyone to realise the special relationship between him and whatever the tree reminded him of.

Love.

Baekhyun feels his heart sinking as he acknowledges his thoughts; was this what Kyungsoo had meant when he said they were both the same? Could it be that he, too, had someone whom he could not forget for a long long time? Someone who left him in agony and torment without even bothering to lift an eyebrow?

But this isn’t the reason for his sudden, unusual feeling. Perhaps deep down, he doesn’t want to admit that this would mean it would take just as much effort for Kyungsoo as it did for himself, to forget the person they had each longed for.

    The night was soft, filled with solemnity. The stars shone brighter than usual; the moon hung higher; the wind blew stronger. Nevertheless, an eccentric, uncomfortable feeling hung unceremoniously in the air.

“Yeol-ah,” Baekhyun tilts his head so that it was propped onto Chanyeol’s broad shoulders, and muttered softly, “guess what I dreamt about last night.”

A sudden breeze blew past, causing Baekhyun to lean closer to Chanyeol just to grasp onto the warmth emitting from the latter’s body; Chanyeol to wince as his fringe covers his eyes- not forgetting to hold onto Baekhyun tighter lest he felt cold.

“You dreamt of a place with only the two of us sitting by the shore; I, with a paint brush and a canvas; you, with an ice cream cone in your hands, singing tenderly to me.” Even though Baekhyun couldn’t see Chanyeol’s face, he could almost hear the smile that was evident in his tone. He really hated to burst his bubble, but it felt strange for Baekhyun not to tell him about his dreams- especially since it involved the both of them [and was apparently bugging him a lot lately].

“No, not really,” Despite the urge to get up so he could see Chanyeol’s face, Baekhyun didn’t want to leave his embrace, thus choosing to remain instead.

“I dreamt that,” Baekhyun instinctively held onto Chanyeol’s arm tighter as he continued, “I dreamt that we were playing hide-and-seek.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol’s tone was monotonous, although an evident hint of delight lingered. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“It is, but, that wasn’t really the end.” Unknowingly, Baekhyun’s voice had turned rigid and cold- suddenly the atmosphere seemed to become colder. “It was your turn, to hide. At first, it was okay because I found you after a few seconds. But on the second round, I couldn’t find you; I searched everywhere; I ran and ran until exhaustion washed over me- but I still couldn’t find you.”

“Did you find me at the end?” Chanyeol was trying very evidently, to retain the happiness and joy that had hung around just a few moments ago; his optimist efforts going to waste.

“No,” Baekhyun continued admittedly, “I didn’t. I only remembered that I continued running- when I felt tired, I just stood there… and wept.”

Chanyeol hears the firmness in Baekhyun’s voice and holds him even tighter as a form of reassurance, even though he was completely unaware of how he should react. He doesn’t know how to react because he knows he cannot reassure someone when he is himself, unsure of whether it’ll become reality one day.

    Kyungsoo stood near the tree trunk, eyes closed, palms pressing softly against the rough surface of the trunk, breathing faintly. “This was what I meant when I said we were the same.” Without moving away from the tree, he turns around and glances at Baekhyun, who stands rooted onto a spot several centimetres away, a trace of confusion over his face. 

“I don’t understand,” Baekhyun makes eye contact with Kyungsoo for a few seconds before shifting his gaze elsewhere in discomfort. “I understand what you mean- I just don’t understand why you’re doing this all of a sudden.”

“It’s okay if you don’t.”

“I-“

“Just listen to me, please.” Even though Kyungsoo had meant for his words to be a sole request, it seemed as if he was begging rather than requesting. “Just this once, please?”

Baekhyun nods even though he’s completely baffled by everything; that had happened; that was happening; that was going to happen. There was simply so many questions in his head, so many things he want to say- so much he wants to ask- but something tells him to keep quiet; that this was the only time he was actually going to be let into Kyungsoo’s world.

“I really loved him,” Kyungsoo remains near the trunk of the large oak tree- except he didn’t have his eyes closed; one of his hands was now pressed against the trunk whilst the other hung loose beside him as he stared blankly onto the ground. “Except, I had to leave,” Kyungsoo breathed harshly as he continues, “I wasn’t- there wasn’t any other choice left for me.”

“I really thought it’d be good for the both of us- but I don’t know- I guess I was wrong because it really did hurt, a lot. There were times where the feeling was so intense I felt like dying- but something kept me alive- I don’t know what it was- perhaps it was hope? Hope that I would get over it one day- that I would get the chance to be a better person the next time.”

Although Kyungsoo hadn’t started crying, Baekhyun could sense the overwhelming urge in his voice to just let it all out this instant. Despite Baekhyun hating to see him cry, something in Baekhyun couldn’t just let it all go; to just keep quiet and let everything pass him by, not this time.

“I don’t understand- what did you mean you thought it would be good for the both of us? You mean you didn’t know it would hurt? I’m glad it ached for you- because it caused me so much of suffering- don’t tell me you wanted to die because I really died inside. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t even get up from bed all because you left. I gave you so much, I thought-“

“Baekhyun-ah-“

 “I thought I would be good enough for you because of all that I gave but I guess I wasn’t since you left without even saying a single word. It was as if everything we had all this while had been nothing- a-as if I wasn’t the least bit important to you.”

Baekhyun’s voice starts to crack, and as he loses the strength to even stand, he crouches on the floor and lets his tears flow continuously onto the ground.

Kyungsoo sees this and starts to weep softly as he walks towards Baekhyun in a flimsy manner. He stands by Baekhyun and looks down at him as he tries hard to stop the tears from trickling.

“Even when we were so close- we would tell each other everything; do everything together- you claimed we were best friends. Perhaps you didn’t feel it but I did- and I’ll admit that it wasn’t friendship I felt, but love. I liked you a lot but I didn’t dare to say it, in fear that you would start to grow distant. Now it seems that all we once had had been nothing.”

“Baekhyun please let me-“

“I’m sorry I expected so much- I’m sorry I imposed too many expectations on you. I just- I can’t believe you said you loved me when you left- just vanished into thin air. And when you did that, I don’t think you ever considered my feelings. I’m sorry- I’m just disappointed with you- and myself.”

Just seeing Baekhyun like this- trembling, scared, and confused- created an urge in Kyungsoo to place his arms around Baekhyun to ensure that he was okay and that it’ll be okay; but he knows he isn’t able to do it- not because he didn’t dare, but simply because even he wasn’t sure himself if it would be okay.

Kyungsoo tries to open his mouth to think about what to say next, but without saying another word, or even giving Kyungsoo the chance to, Baekhyun gets up, runs across the street, and disappears in an alley in less than a minute; leaving Kyungsoo standing under the huge, old oak tree in sole perplexity and solitude.

    They don’t see each other for the following two months although Kyungsoo continues frequenting the place which held the meet-ups he’d previously had with Baekhyun. As much as he doesn’t want to be reminded of him, of the times when they’ve had, and the pain he’d caused Baekhyun, Kyungsoo knows the only way to possibly see him again is right here.

It gets tiring when a voice in his head continuously echoes, he won’t come, and sometimes Kyungsoo manages to fights it off, sometimes he doesn’t. But it’s strange how he even manages to fight it off since his hopes are being let down day by day as he realises, in the silence of those nights, that it’s too late. Sometimes he despises his own ignorance, sometimes he wonders why he had not asked where Baekhyun lived, and sometimes he blames himself for everything. But it’s too late now, isn’t it?

Kyungsoo finds himself roaming around the streets nearby one day, with no direction or destination in mind; it was merely out of desperation as a part of him told him to remain seated on the bench [just as he had been every other day] while the other part of him advised him to take the chance to walk around [it’s something new and not half as boring as being rooted on the same spot all day anyway].

As he starts questioning himself of why he was even away from the bench- since it was the place Baekhyun would most likely appear, he sees someone, someone so familiar he doesn’t recognise the person on first thought.

    As much as Baekhyun doesn’t want to stay home and return to his old ways of seclusion, he doesn’t want to see anyone. And it’s rather contradictory because deep in his heart, he’s aware of his yearn to see Kyungsoo. After weeks and weeks of walking a terribly long way to just spend hours and hours being seated next to him in silence, it feels strange to not see him.

To think of it, it’s even stranger to be standing here, not far away from their usual meet-up, after two months without talking or even seeing him. Baekhyun doesn’t even comprehend the reason he’s doing this- and why he even lost control after two months of ostensible willpower- but he doesn’t want to care because he feels that he has to make up to Kyungsoo; for the previous time he had mistaken him for Chanyeol.

And so Baekhyun slowly makes his way, in hope that Kyungsoo still makes the effort to visit the place occasionally, in hope that they meet again.

As he realises the distance between the destination and his position, he stops and attempts to whisper wishfully to himself, afraid to be disappointed. But it doesn’t take him long to realise the redundancy of his wish as a familiar figure saunters towards him.

They eyed each other intently, and for a moment Baekhyun doesn’t know what to feel because everything is just so sudden, so astonishing, so right. But what isn’t right is the evident dark eye rings, the haggard and exhausted look on Kyungsoo’s face, and the abrupt realisation that he had grown thinner than he had last been.

And the sadness in his eyes.

Baekhyun feels confused when he realises the absence of the glimmer of recognition in Kyungsoo’s eyes because he’s unsure if Kyungsoo had forgotten him or if it was all just pretend. But as they approached each other, Baekhyun suddenly understands that it was probably because this had all been too abrupt, because they both had not known they would meet under circumstances like this.

After months of not talking to him, Baekhyun really wants to speak, but he’s completely unaware of what he should say; how are you? how have you been? Or perhaps, I’m sorry?

And so both stood there, gazing into each other’s eyes, unable to register their own thoughts. But the silence doesn’t remain long because Kyungsoo takes the first step and walks up to Baekhyun, in a somewhat fearless manner, unsure of how Baekhyun would react, but not at all concerned.

Baekhyun sees him coming closer and closer but is unable to even move because he’s not even sure of what Kyungsoo is doing, and because he’s not at all sure of what he was doing himself. So he just stands there, watching as Kyungsoo comes nearer and nearer, until he takes Baekhyun by the neck and pulls him into an embrace.

“I’m really sorry, Baekhyun.”

As Kyungsoo speaks, Baekhyun feels the warmth of his breath against his neck which causes him to flinch a little because it’s been a long time since anyone’s been this close to him- because Kyungsoo’s the other person besides Chanyeol, to have held him so close it makes his heart palpitate uncontrollably. Yet, he doesn’t recoil, he doesn’t want to; instead, Baekhyun raises his arms slowly and lets his fingers trail along Kyungsoo’s back, until he feels the spine of his and ceases movement.

Although he somewhat understands the reason for Kyungsoo’s apology, he lets a question stumble out of his lips that shows otherwise. 

“Why?”

There is a moment of silence as if Kyungsoo was trying hard to think of why he was even apologising. Baekhyun doesn’t want to make it difficult for him so he decides to take back the question; but before he’s even allowed to do so, Kyungsoo answers, still holding onto Baekhyun’s neck.

“I’m sorry because I should have told you earlier, and I’m sorry because when I told you, I completely disregarded the fact that you would feel pain- that you would be reminded of the past,” Kyungsoo pauses and breathes heavily before continuing, “I’m sorry I disappeared for a week after learning your past- even though I was supposed to be there for you.”

“Why didn’t you come?” Baekhyun speaks calmly but is unable to hide the unusual, flimsy feeling that was overtaking his body.

“I was afraid,” it is at this point of time when Baekhyun feels something wet on his shirt and abruptly realises Kyungsoo was crying. But he chooses to say nothing, only to continue hearing him out.

“After witnessing the pain you had once experienced, I was scared because something kept telling me I would hurt you if I continued being close to you; because I knew what I once did and you didn’t- because if I told you, I don’t think we would continue talking. T-this was also why I brought you to the large oak tree the day I reappeared, to make you understand the sort of person I am.”

Kyungsoo starts trembling intensely and Baekhyun sees that and holds onto him tighter and closer with words that spoke, “you’re not a bad person.”

“I doubted I could become a better person, and I don’t want to hurt you because of my selfishness-“

His words were abruptly cut off as Baekhyun backs away slightly, bends down with his hands still on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, and kisses him on his lips softly.

He can tell that Kyungsoo is shocked by the sudden, rash movement made because he shudders and almost draws back but he doesn’t do so completely; choosing to slip his hands into Baekhyun’s as he held onto them tightly, entangling both their fingers together so the delicate gaps between their fingers diminished.

Baekhyun feels this and smiles amidst the gentle kiss.

The kiss feels strange at first but several moments later, warmth seemed to spread throughout Baekhyun’s body. Baekhyun doesn’t comprehend this completely but assumes it to be the kiss, the way it felt; it wasn’t desperate, neither was it uncontrollable, it had been so tender, so tamed, so comfortable. The moment he feels Kyungsoo’s lips against his, time seemed to slow down. Baekhyun doesn‘t understand why he did it- it had been simply out of nothing but an overwhelming voice in his head telling him to- but the feeling- it feels so good to be near him, he doesn’t even want to bother thinking.

 “Kyungsoo-ah,” it feels slightly more than weird to be calling him by his name for the first time ever, but he has to admit that he likes it more than anything else. Baekhyun doesn’t want the kiss to end but he knows it’s the right time to, so he leans towards Kyungsoo’s ears and whispers softly, “I think I like you.”

He feels Kyungsoo’s fingers grasping gently on his back as he pulls Baekhyun closer to him. Kyungsoo places his forehead against Baekhyun’s, his nose nuzzling the latter’s, and smiles slightly as he replies, “and I think I do, too.”

Both revealed a smile as they listened to the heart-warming confessions they each made as they held onto each other neither too tightly nor too gently. And Baekhyun suddenly gets the feeling of being revived as lustrous colours spread across his vision of what he had once perceived as the world , the abrupt sensation tells him that he had not been living all this while- ever since Chanyeol- and that it was probably time to end this self-inflicted torment. But it is after all, a probably, and as Kyungsoo leans in and kisses him in slight mischief, Baekhyun feels himself hesitating all of a sudden, as if he isn’t sure if doing this is the right thing.

“What’s wrong?” Kyungsoo immediately senses the reluctance in him and grasps lightly onto Baekhyun’s arm.

Baekhyun blinks slightly and reveals an expression that’s somewhat a combination of fear and distress as he lowers his head, saying, “I don’t know. Kyungsoo-ah, I ‘m so scared.”

“Of what?” Kyungsoo places his hand onto Baekhyun’s neck as he pulls him closer hoping doing this would remove all his doubts and fears.

“I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to us in the future- I’m just filled with so many doubts, I don’t really know what to believe in. I know that I like you, and I want the both of us to be happy, b-but I’m so afraid it’s all going to end up like how Chanyeol and I had turned out to be. I’m not trying to be selfish- but I just don’t want to hurt again- I trust you completely but I-”

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo reassures him as he laced his fingers into Baekhyun’s, pulling him in for an embrace. To his surprise, it had been especially easy since Baekhyun had been in a somewhat distorted state. After moments of silence- when Kyungsoo finally feels that Baekhyun has calmed down, he props his head onto Baekhyun’s shoulder and whispers faintly into his ears, breathing out warm air that seemed to make contact with Baekhyun’s ears so delicately.

“I’ll never leave you,” he pauses midway, closes his eyes; concentrating on emitting warmth onto Baekhyun’s body, and continues once more, “please trust me this one time.” 

Baekhyun thinks theres magic in these words of his because it's when he hears these words that his fears are gradually being washed away; something in him telling him to trust Kyungsoo, because he's the right person. And even though there's a constant skeptical thought that remains in the very mind of his, Baekhyun decides to push it all away with the mere reason that he lives in the present, not the past nor the future. After all, how was he to know what the future held for them both? 

As he returns the embrace, caresses the latter's soft hair, and softly murmurs I love you, Baekhyun is convinced that life isn't that bad after all; and that it's true after all, that a beautiful rainbow follows a heavy downpour; and that beautiful rainbow, is none other than Kyungsoo. 

oh my god srsly I can't believe i actually finished this; i'm terribly sorry about the wordiness of it- it's simply because I really fail at this. so yeah if there are any grammatical or punctuation errors or mistakes; I didn't want to trouble people into having to beta this for me, so I simply left it as it is orz. blame my horrible english and my inexperience in writing oneshots

*and please don't mistaken because i love baekyeol and i ship them forever but i secretly ship baeksoo too because idk i feel that it's rather realistic since they're both main vocals