part one: the backstory

If someone were to randomly ask Choi Jinri if she were happy, then she would smile brightly and nod with fervor. It is something she can answer easily, a question she can brush off with ease.

She is Sulli, ideal type of many, an “eye smiling princess”, To The Beautiful You’s Goo Jaehee, and a member of the increasingly popular girl group f(x).

Why shouldn’t she be happy?

She technically has no reason not to be.

She doesn’t.

But if she were to think about it later, in the solitude and quiet peace of her own room, the question becomes less easily answered and more striking than anything else.

-

She thinks about it one night- am I happy?

Jinri thinks about all that she has accomplished so far, and all that she might accomplish in the future. She should feel happy- she has a bright future, all idol things considered.

She looks into a mirror, and she sees her pale skin, her silky hair, and she smiles, taking note of how her eyes have turned into moon crescents and how her smile shows her gums. She cannot find any reason to complain about her appearance either. Jinri isn’t an arrogant girl, not very much so anyway, but she knows what the Korean beauty standards are- and she knows that she fits the standard.

Jinri finds herself looking at a picture of her group on her phone (it’s her background, actually- so she can always remind herself that she is a part of something that has a bond beautiful enough to cry over)- her band mates, her sisters.

She loves them so much that she finds it hard to breathe sometimes.

Jinri loves her Soojungie- They’re the maknaes, so they’re automatically “friends” by age, but Jinri knows that there is no one she shares a deeper friendship with.

She also loves her Vic umma, who she so desperately adores and cares for, because her leader is beautiful and flawless.

Jinri can’t forget Amber either- because she is her hyung, and they will forever be bros. There is no one in this world that would rather have as her favorite (and only) hyung.

And precious Sunyoung, with her easy tears and her heart of gold- Jinri may be one year younger, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to protect Sunyoung from the world, from never wanting the older girl to shed tears of sadness.

She would do pretty much anything, be willing to give up almost everything for them. She loves them like no one else because they are a second family to her, people that have become so irreplaceable in such a short amount of time.

f(x) has only been around for a little longer than three years, but she already feels like she has spent a lifetime with these people.

And in this lifetime, she knows that she loves deeply, is cared for, and cannot wish for anything more- because hey- she is living the dream.

So Jinri concludes that she must be happy.

But her mind betrays her as whispers of haunting little words of, “no, not happy, no, no, no,” play in her head over and over and over again- and she has to take a deep breath to calm herself, because she is suddenly shaking.

Jinri doesn’t sleep that night.

-

She tries hard not to think about it, but it’s hard. It is all very hard.

Jinri knows what people say about her; that she’s the useless member, that she is only in f(x) because she is the visual- and that she’s not even that pretty, at that. She can hear perfectly fine, the hushed whispers about how Soojung should be the visual instead- but she’s not, because what other role would Sulli play? She reads thoroughly and concisely, is able to quickly skim over the biting criticisms on how she brings the rest of the group down, that she is why they cannot live up to their name as “Asia’s Best Pop Dance Group”.

She knows all of this, and she tries not to let it get to her. She knows all of this, and tries not to think about how she never seems to be good enough.

She tries not to think about how she never seems to be  good enough for everything, how she thinks that she can  never be good enough for anything.

Jinri tries to smile through it all, tries to bear it, tries not to break down and cry.

But it is hard.

It’s hard.

-

The life of an idol isn’t easy. Everything is set at a pace that shouldn’t be humanely possible to follow through with, there is as much criticism as there is adoration, and not an ounce of privacy can be found anywhere.

It is a whirlwind of stress, hard work, and tears. And satisfaction.

Because when everything is hectic and tiring and ridiculously stressful, everyone is living the dream. It is a collective dream that every idol shares. It is the dream of being able to stand on stage, being able to feel the warm stage lights fixate on you, being to hear the cheers and support of the people who follow you, and being able to share your passion for music with everyone else.

That is what Jinri thinks about, when she gets a few sparse moments to think to herself. She is putting herself through this for a reason, doing this all for a reason.

This is what she spent four years training at SM Entertainment training for. Anyone can say whatever they want about her, but she is still living her dream. She is performing; she is a performer. She was meant to be, and she is.

Regardless of what anyone says, she has earned her place in one of the rising girl groups of South Korea; she has worked her way to it.

To be a performer, plain and simple Choi Jinri became Sulli of f(x).

-

It’s complicated, differentiating from Sulli and Jinri.

Jinri is Sulli, but Sulli is not Jinri. Sometimes, she forgets that.

But it only takes one person to make her remember that yes, there is a difference.

-

Jinri has a friend named Jongin. He is someone she meets at the young age of thirteen, both barely teenagers, but already working hard towards their dreams.

The first time they meet, it is the third day of Jongin being in SM Entertainment. He has walked the halls enough to not get terribly confused while moving about, but is still new enough to not know everyone that he should.

Jongin walks into a practice room that he thinks he has booked for the next two hours (except, really, the room he was actually looking for was two doors down), and is (not) pleasantly surprised to see someone already occupying the room. Jongin stares blankly for a moment, taking several seconds just to look at the young girl who he has just walked in on. He doesn’t know who she is, and he feels like he should- but that’s not even the important part. The important part is that she is dancing with only loud, pulsing music as company.

His first thought is to quietly scuttle out of the room, but there is something that keeps him in place. Years down the line, he’ll think back and realize that the pulsing music and the determined look he sees on her face glues him to where he stands.

He watches as she forces her moves, jerks instead of glides, and is more clumsy than graceful.

Jongin has half a mind to encouragingly clap when the music fades out and the girl collapses on the ground in exhaustion, but the perfectionist in him, the one that lives and breathes for dance, takes over his working mind for just a moment.

He lets it slip that he thinks her dancing (“wow, that was pretty bad”) and suddenly wants to kick himself in the face- because really, who was he to judge?

Her head snaps up in attention and she is suddenly off the floor, eyes striking and stance defensive. Jongin gets a better look at her as she stares back at him, and he realizes that they are probably around the same age.

And then he realizes that he has said something horribly offensive, and he tries to rectify the situation as best as he can.

(Except his best kind of .)

“Wait, I said that wrong,” he shuffles away from her because the way she is glaring at him almost physically hurts him. “It’s not that your dancing , it’s just that your moves were…not…smooth.” He winces as he finishes his sentence, mentally hurting himself because of his lack of tact. “Wait, wait-” But there is no waiting to be done.

She gets tears in her eyes at the blatant criticism (because she had already been having a bad day, which was why she decided on having extra practice by herself)- but getting insulted and judged by someone who didn’t know her at all is where Jinri figures that she has had enough with the world today.

Jongin sees the tears forming (and he thinks he even sees one fall) and completely panics. He is suddenly stuttering and stammering (and trying not to roll around the floor in guilt over making a girl cry) and trying to fix the already botched situation.

She walks towards the door (and him), taking a mild sense of satisfaction in knowing that they are around the same height, and promptly shoulder checks him into the nearest wall before sniffling and walking out the door.

Jongin figures that he deserves to be practically shoved into the wall and lets her leave without another failed attempt at reconciliation.

(But the guilt stays there- it practically multiplies tenfold in the next following week, and he can’t help but want to smack himself in the face every time he thinks about it.)

-

Jongin ends up asking around about the girl, just because the guilt is eating up at him, and he figures that the least he can do is find her and apologize.

(He really wants to kick himself in the face after fellow trainee Joonmyun tells him that the girl that he brought to tears is Choi Jinri- and that she is his sunbae by two whole years.)

-

After three hours of sleuthing (which led to a lot of pleading and creeping around), Jongin finds out that Choi Jinri usually practices on her own until nine in the evening. A quick look to the nearest clock tells him that he has about an hour to find her, tell her that he was just being stupid, and make her forgive him- all without withering away in a hopelessly awkward heap of pathetic teenage boy.

He figures that he has his work cut out for him.

After ten minutes of hesitantly opening doors, checking if she is in the room, and awkwardly scuffling out when she is not in the aforementioned room, Jongin finally gets a break.

And once he gets a break, he is not quite sure what to do.

As luck would have it, Jinri is situated in a practice room all the way at the end of a long hall; at that point, Jongin hadn’t been too optimistic on actually finding her, so he felt his surprise was warranted when he found Choi Jinri staring back at him as he held onto the doorknob.

He swallows thickly and mumbles a quick, “Hi,” before inclining his head in a bow that is required of all hoobaes to their sunbaes.

Jinri stares at the person who has just greeted her blankly; it takes her a full ten seconds of flat out staring to remember who this person is, and when she does remember, she feels like getting up and shoulder checking him again.

“O-okay,” Jongin stutters a little bit after seeing the hostile look in Jinri’s face and almost wants to run away from her (and the problem at hand); it takes a great deal of his willpower to stay put and try to make amends. “I know that we got off on the wrong foot and that you look like you’re going to hurt me again, but I…I come in peace?” he finishes lamely.

He’s not really afraid of being hurt by her again; if Jongin is being honest, he would admit to being more afraid of making her cry again than being slammed into a door (again).

“What do you want?” Jinri doesn’t look particularly angry, but her expression is schooled into a guarded look of indifference. All the anger ten seconds ago and frustration from one week prior were nowhere to be seen on her face.

Jongin doesn’t know how to say what he wants to do; his ability to properly formulate sentences is nowhere to be found at the moment, and he is left just standing there. He smiles at her slightly, albeit awkwardly, and figures that if he doesn’t know how to say it, he should just show her instead.

He hopes she doesn’t think he is being a stupid and disrespectful hoobae, but he has already completely ruined whatever great first impression he could have left, so he thinks it is worth a try. He walks towards the sound system, letting her burn her curious gaze into his back.

A familiar beat fills the room- it is the same song that Jinri had been dancing to one-week prior.

Jinri doesn’t know whether to laugh or be irritated with how easily Jongin dances to the choreography that had been giving her so much trouble before. She almost wants to ask, “Are you mocking me right now?” but thinks against it.

His moves are slower than they should be, making him off beat a little- it is obvious that he could easily keep up with the music though, with how smoothly and gracefully he moves. It is that recognition that makes Jinri hold her tongue- because after fifteen seconds of just blatant staring, Jinri realizes that he is trying to help her.

With a little grimace, she steps up next to him and tries to follow his movements. She isn’t going to reject his help, not when she can see that he is trying hard to make it up to her. She can see it, the sincerity, in the way that he watches her. He is willing her to move, to follow along, to improve.

He guides her through the set choreography, pointing out easily fixed mistakes and supplying helpful tips and tricks.

Somewhere between him adjusting her footwork and smiling proudly when she executes part of the routine flawlessly, she finds herself beginning to forgive him for making her cry.

They spend the next forty minutes not saying a word to each other; instead, they communicate through practiced footwork, gliding steps, and guided routine.

It is only when Jinri calls for a quits and shuts off the stereo that words are suddenly needed- and words aren’t really Jongin’s forte.

But he figures that a proper apology is the best course of action (and is rather long overdue). “Hey, about before-”

Jinri waves off what she knows is going to be an apology. “Don’t worry about it, apology accepted.” She forgave him completely ten minutes ago when she had tripped over her own feet and he was there in a second, helping her up and correcting her stance.

Jongin is a little bewildered at the easy acceptance, seeing as how she had pushed him into a wall the last time they met, but he is willing to take what he can get. “Jinri sunbae-”

“Just Jinri is fine,” she says, tone now relaxed and nonchalant. Every little bit of irritation and hostility had faded away already, leaving only a chill and calm Jinri behind. “You don’t have to call me sunbae-” There is an awkward pause in her sentence when Jinri wants to return the favor of calling him by his first name to show that it is okay to call her Jinri- except she doesn’t know it.

It is then that Jinri realizes that she doesn’t even know who this person is- which makes her feel awkward, especially since he called her “Jinri sunbae” only half a minute ago. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“It’s Kim Jongin.” A little flash of recognition flies by her once she hears the name. She knows who this is after all. But then again, every trainee does. Kim Jongin has been here for about two weeks, and yet he is already making a name for himself as one of the most promising dancers to ever come in. She finds herself shaking her head, telling herself, I should have known. From what she has witnessed for the past forty minutes, she would say that the rumors had truth in them. A lot of truth.

“My name is Choi Jinri.” She reintroduces herself and they both awkwardly bow to each other.

“I think I already figured that out,” he says this with a small, teasing smile, once he is done bowing; that makes her roll her eyes good naturedly and huff.

“In any case, thank you.”

Jongin can hear the sincere gratitude in every syllable of the short sentence, and that makes him blush. He didn’t do anything to be thanked like that- he just made it up to her for making her sad the first time, anyway- so he stays quiet, unsure of how to respond.

She pouts at the lack of reaction, poking him lightly on the shoulder. “Respond to your sunbaes when they are talking to you.” Jinri hates to pull rank on unsuspecting hoobaes, but she figures that is the only way she is going to make Jongin accept her appreciation for him. (She doesn’t like being called sunbae, but she’ll use the perks that come with it if she has to. And right now, she has to.)

That brings Jongin’s attention back, front and center. “I’m sorry, I just-”

Jinri pokes him playfully again, although this time a little harder. “Thank you, Jongin.” Her lips curl upwards and suddenly she is flashing her teeth, showcasing a sweet smile that is completely Choi Jinri.

The smile that he sees right in front of him makes him want to ram his head into the nearest wall because- how could he make someone with such an adorable smile cry? He smiles back at her, albeit not as brightly, and breathes out a quiet, “No problem, Jinri.”

-

They click, but in a strange way. It is in a way that no one around them would have ever expected. It doesn’t take Jongin long to figure out that, for all the hostility that he had seen, Jinri is someone with a sweet smile and an infectious laugh. Likewise, it doesn’t take Jinri very long to get used to Jongin’s teasing nature, his general cheekiness, and his charming everything. (Of course, she would never breathe a word of that to him- not now.)

(And Jongin would pretty much keel over and lay in fetal position before admitting that he thought she had a sweet smile- he already knew that his hyungs would never let him live it down. Choi Jinri isn’t someone lightly talked about- he knew of at least three overprotective hyungs that would hurt him for being “interested” in Jinri.)

Their personalities don’t seem to match, and they don’t even have mutual friends, or anything in common, besides both being trainees- but really, they make it work.

They make it work through constant conversation, cheerful bickering, random dance practices, and the quiet happiness of having a friend that is going through the same hardship.

-

Jinri doesn’t quite know how it starts, or when, but they have taken to talking to each other frequently. She supposes that after the second encounter, they just started spotting each other naturally and made an effort to at least greet each other. And then after they expanded from just greetings, they moved onto small conversations and impromptu dance lessons. After those small conversations and practices were no longer satisfactory, they arrived to where they were now.

Constantly in each other’s presence.

It is only when Jongin, in a completely Jongin manner, comes up to her, pokes her shoulder, and greets her easily after general practice has ended for the day that her friends take notice.  

When she turns around to look at the person who has essentially jabbed her shoulder, she is greeted with a brightly smiling Jongin. “Jinri, meet me at the cafeteria later, okay?” General practice is over, but now trainees will go off into their respective lessons; for Jongin, it’s dance. For Jinri, it’s acting. Still, they get a break after, which is when Jongin has requested for Jinri’s presence.

She gives a smile as her answer and waves him off so that she can get back to her conversation with Soojung. Jongin leaves with the same bright smile on his face and an arm slung around Joonmyun.

Jinri turns back to face Jung Soojung, except now Soojung has a curious eyebrow raised and a teasing smile in place. “I didn’t know you were such good friends with Kim Jongin.”

Jinri blinks once, twice, and then chuckles like Soojung has just said an unbelievably priceless inside joke. “I didn’t know either.”

-

Five months into knowing Choi Jinri, and Kim Jongin could have sworn that he has known her his whole life. The easiness he feels when he is around her is certainly telling.

It is something that is unexpected, but not unwelcome. He finds himself automatically smiling around her, being able to casually sling an arm over her shoulder (very much like how he does to his shorter hyungs, like Joonmyun and Luhan), and talking to her endlessly about nothing really at all.

But sometimes, they fight.

Like right now.

“Yah, Choi Jinri.”

Sometimes their fights are serious, where both of them refuse to talk to one another for days. Sometimes, their fights will stretch on into deafening silence, where there will be so much pent up guilt that both of them will simultaneously break and apologize to one another for hours.

“Yah, Kim Jongin.”

And other times, their fights are stupid.

“Seriously, can’t you just let me pay for once? You treated me last time!” Jinri is pouting as she is holding her chopsticks up in what she assumes is a threatening manner.

A small group of trainees (which consisted of Jongin, Jinri, Soojung, and Joonmyun) had decided to go for a late night ramen dinner, and while they were all people that got along well with one another, there was always something to bicker about on their days out.

And the topic of choice was typically the bill.

“Lalala, I can’t hear you~” Jongin is childishly covering his ears as he stubbornly sits on the bill, refusing to let Jinri even look at it.

“Excuse me, but I just thought I should let you know that there are still other people around you.” Joonmyun is one of the older trainees (in terms of seniority), and he is adored like no other by Jongin, Jinri, and Soojung. The way he says this statement, although meant to be chiding and sarcastic, comes out as merely teasing and cheerful instead.

Jongin pouts for a moment before decidedly continuing his act of ignorance. “Lalala, can’t hear you either!”

Soojung looks up from her bowl of ramen and sighs with an exaggerated pout. “Can you guys stop flirting? It is making my food taste weird.” Her pout turns into a teasing smile by the end of her sentence- and once she sees Jinri and Jongin both drop their chopsticks in horror, she starts laughing.

“Yah, Jung Soojung!” When they exclaim her name in perfect unison, it makes the situation just that much more embarrassing- and makes Soojung laugh just that much harder.

It is just another day in the lives of Choi Jinri and Kim Jongin.

end.

Okay, so this was intitially supposed to be just a one-shot, but then I actually started writing it and it turned into this whole monster of a one-shot (that I am not done yet, but I'm already close to 13k) so I decided to break it up into parts. Consider this part the backstory/insight into what Jongin and Jinri's relationship is like? ;D <3

I am guessing that there will be at least two more parts to this ;o so bear with me please? >< I hope you guys enjoyed all the KaiLli so far ^^

Here is a big thank you to everyone that has read, subscribed, and commented! You guys are all lovely ;3