I continued to stare up at my bedroom ceiling begrudgingly. I had never felt so stressed out in my whole life. I felt so much anger and disappointment growing inside me that I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't care about anyone else but myself, nobody would care if I wasn't here, right? My mother and father wouldn't care much, my friends wouldn't care, and neither would Jongin. Nobody would miss me if I left, so what was the point being here? I turned my head to see the clock read 11:01 PM. My parents were probably asleep by now. I wonder what would happen if i left? Then everyone who knew me would get the brute and backlash from the public, blaming them for not being there for me.

What was I even saying? 

I ended up in the kitchen somehow. I had a major headache thudding profusely within my skull, and I could feel the baby kicking in my stomach. Maybe two Excedrins would be okay, just to get rid of my headache. I went digging through a kitchen cabinet to find the little green bottle, once I had it I popped two pills from my hand to my mouth. I swallowed them dryly and could feel my stomach pains worsen. I felt like a beached whale still. I felt so ugly, so stupid, so useless. I was still mad, at the whole world. I hated everyone I knew at the moment, especially Jongin. He did this to me, it was all his fault. I can't believe I actually loved him at one point. 

My headache progressed and I felt worse than before. Without thinking I grabbed the bottle of my parent's wine and poured some for myself into the glass. Just one won't hurt right? Just to make the pain go away, I told myself. I knew I was playing with fire, but my mind was to clouded with animosity to act rationally. I looked at my full glass and downed it, feeling the burn of the alcohol drain down my throat and into my stomach. It felt good, I could feel a shot of relief flow through my veins, but then I felt pain again. So I filled up my glass again to the brim, and downed the ruby red substance. I felt the rush reign through my body, and I found myself pouring into my glass again. I didn't even taste it, I gulped it as fast as I could and realized I had just ed up.

I felt something wasn't right and I stopped myself from having another one. Something was wrong, I needed to call for help. The medication had mixed with the alcohol, putting me in danger. Excruciating pain reached every inch of me and I ended up throwing up in the kitchen sink. My vision was blurred and I felt like I was about to pass out. I didn't feel good at all and I found myself looking up at the kitchen ceiling in a daze.

✿

I guess I didn't realize I had fallen asleep. But I was harshly woken up by blinding flouecent lights beaming into my sensitive pupils. After blinking a few times, i felt like I couldn't move. There was something restricting my head from moving it from side to side. And my right arm wasn't very accessible either. I tried moving my legs, which worked, and I could swivel my other arm. As my eyesight began to clear, I noticed something obstructing my view. An oxygen mask was glued to my face. I looked up and saw the stained white tiles on the ceiling, and when I looked to the right I noticed a line attached to my arm. As i slowly came back into consciousness, I looked down to see my stomach still bulging. I was relieved, hopefully, I hadn't hurt the baby. 

I was in the hospital, alone. I tried my best to sit up, but my body still felt heavy, also due to the weight i had gained. I could barely remember what had happened. I remembered taking the headache pills and then having some wine after and... Oh, that's probably what did it. I don't even know why I did it. I was so angry i had to take out my anger somehow. I wasn't trying to commit suicide, I was just so upset. 

But at the moment, I wasn't upset, I just wanted to know if my baby was okay. My little boy. I was a terrible mother and he wasn't even born yet. I'm not even the type to get so strung up over boys. Jongin's actions got to me, he acted as if he could care less. I didn't want to hold a grudge, I knew Jongin would come running back to me. It's easier to lash out at the ones you love the most, because subconsciously you know they will love you back.

I didn't want to stay mad at him, but we weren't exactly on good terms. Especially after I hit him. I was so mad I lashed out at him too. I promised myself I would never slap anyone like that ever again.

As i looked around my hospital room more, I noticed some flowers and a teddy bear scattered around the counter. How awkward. I wonder what my parents told everyone, that I fainted out of the blue? Or that I was just feeling sick? I figured from the aluminum balloon that said 'get well soon'. I hope my parents did tell them what actually happened. I knew it was my parents who found me. I wondered what they were thinking. Did they think I was crazy? I hope they wouldn't take the baby away from me.

Is still felt pain and tried to sit up. As I sat up my mother came into the room and I just looked at her awkwardly. I knew she knew what I did, the doctor had to tell her the truth. My mom was holding two jello cups and walked towards me confidently, she sat in the chair with a thick blue blanket sprawled on top. Did she spend the night?

"Hi mom." I said. She looked at me with sad eyes and placed the jello cups on the side table next to me.

"Hi Jen, I'm glad you're awake now." I opened my arms out for a hug and she hugged me close. I clung to her as tightly as I could and buried my face into her shoulder. I didn't cry, I just felt so sorry I had hurt her and my dad. But I could feel her crying a little. 

She pulled away and looked me with tears in her eyes, " We were so worried about you." She wiped the remaining tear off her cheek.

"Is the baby okay?" I asked, I cringed hoping for good news.

"Yes, the doctor said there is no damage done. But honey, I know this isn't your fault.."

"It is my fault mom, all my fault. I should have know better."

My mom shook her head. "Shortly after you had been rushed to the hospital, I called Jongin's family to let them know. After when we were allowed to see you, Jongin had showed up and explain to us what he did, and your father punched him in the eye."

"WHAT?!" My dad did... what? "Mom! Why would dad do that?! Tell him to apologize now! I can't believe this... I already hit Jongin once. He's not a punching bag!"

I felt my stomach drop, and not because of the baby. I was pretty sure I would never hear from Jongin again.

"Well your father was already very distressed when you were rushed to the hospital, and knowing Jongin was the reason why, he got so angry and just punched him. He apologized already."

I held my face in my hands. "Wait, why did he even punch him. Was it necessary?"

"Well Jongin showed up and I asked him when was the last time he talked to you, and he told us how you showed up to his house, and how he was so mean to you and that it was all his fault. Then that's when your dad called him a er and whopped him. It's okay, he wasn't hurt too bad, and your dad had been wanting to do that for a while now."

I was speechless. Jongin had come here? He had actually felt sorry but he got hit by my dad. I would understand if he thought my whole family was nuts.

"So, dad drove him away?" I asked sheepishly.

"No, they're fine now." My mom dismissed it like it was no big deal. But I was still horrified my dad had done that to him. I had to apologize to Jongin now.

"Didn't you know he spent the night here?" My mom leaned back in the chair and peeled the lid off her jello cup. I wasn't hungry at the moment.

"Wait, Jongin did? Really?" My heart softened a bit. A part of me was relieved he wasn't afraid to come near me after what happened with my dad.

"Yeah, I have to take your father to his eye appointment. But Jongin said he would be right back."

"So, you're not mad at him?" I asked confused. My mom acted as if the whole ordeal was nothing.

"Jen, I've been married to your dad for a long time. Couples get into fights then make up again. Nothing new." She had finished her jello cup and threw it in the trash.

I nodded and knew she was right. I kissed on the cheek and bid her farewell. Wow, that was a lot to take in. All of this happened while i was unconscious I presumed. I still can't believe my dad touched him. And I'm surprised Jongin was here, and he actually told my dad in person what had happened. I felt so bad for him. As if me hitting him wasn't bad enough. I was going to yell at my dad later.

I was also placated to know that my baby was okay. Even though I had done what I done to it. I looked down into my hands and heard someone walk into my room. I looked up to see Jongin holding a cup of coffee and a paper bag. He stood before my bed and waited to see what my reaction would be. I felt my stomach tighten as I noticed the black eye he was sporting. It was no joke, his eye looked pretty bad. He moved slowly where he was standing from and went to sit at the chair my mom had been sitting in.

"I brought you a danish, incase you were hungry." He said softly. I couldn't stop staring at his black eye, then I noticed he looked kind of down, avoiding my gaze.

"Thank you" I said.

It was awkwardly silent for a moment.

"I'm glad you're okay." He finally said, "And the baby too."

I nodded, "Thanks for coming." 

"I'm sorry about what I said to you that night. I wasn't being considerate...." He started. I could tell he wanted to say something else but he was being careful about it.

"...And also... Why?" He looked at me painfully and I had to look away.

"Why what?" I said.

"Why did you do that?" 

I didn't have to look at him to see the tears forming in his eyes.

"I... I wasn't thinking.... I was just mad... But I'm never doing it-"

"So it was my fault then." He spoke so timidly, it didn't sound like him. I willed myself to look at his troubled face.

"No! It was my fault...I..."

"It was because of me, I don't even know why I said that to you. But if I could take it back I would." Hearing his shaky voice made me want to cry, although I already was. I noticed he had his hand on my stomach. I cupped it with mine.

"Just forget about it, It's in the past now. At least the baby is okay."

All he did was nod and leaned in closer to me and pressed his face against my torso. I could hear him let out a sob against me and I his hair soothingly. I could feel him cling to me tighter. I felt like this was all my fault to begin with, but I knew if I blamed myself, Jongin would interject me and just blame himself even more.

This was really a wake up for me, I wasn't a little kid anymore. I couldn't just let my anger get the best of me and then get away with it scotch free. Everything I did now, effected someone. I couldn't think with the mentality of a teenager anymore. I was technically an adult now, but it was time for me to start acting like one. I can't just run away from my problems or do irrational things anymore. I have to think of the people around me. 

I had to start growing up quickly, actually I have less than 4 months left. Yeah, it seems pretty fast, but I don't have the luxury of making mistakes anymore. I have to think of the future of my family now. In a way, I do feel envious of all the other pre-adults that go out recklessly with no serious consequences. But I'm not them, and I have to accept this is what I need to focus on. I know Jongin wanted to seem guilty, but I knew I was the one to charge.

"I'm so sorry Jongin." I managed to choke out.

He still kept his face pressed against me and shook his head, "I'm sorry too."

We sat there and held each other quietly.

"And I'm even more sorry for the black eye my dad gave you." I tried to lighten the mood. I could hear him chuckle against me.

"I deserved it." He said with a giggle.

I just shook my head. It was silent again and he lifted his wet face to me. His doleful face could have been enough to tear me apart, but I just took a deep breath. I had to be strong now. I had to stop unleashing my feelings at the drop of a hat.

I felt words weren't enough, I wiped his tears with my hands, which said I love you. He kissed me nimbly on the lips, which said, I love you too.

"Just out of curiosity Jen, why didn't you sign the paper that day?" He asked me as I leaned against him on the bench. It was chillier today, even with my scarf, I could feel the cold nipping at me. But I was dying to go out. My mom was lecturing me on all the things that need to be done before the baby comes, it was stressing me out. Jongin was warm, so I cuddled closer to him. I thought over his question, being quiet for a second.

"I guess.... I just grew used to it. I couldn't imagine carrying it for 9 months and then just giving it away. I would miss it every single day."

I could feel where he was coming from now.

"I noticed you refer to it as an 'it' still." He laughed. My head moved against his chest as he laughed which resulted in me chuckling too.

"Oh, I forgot. He I meant." I rolled my eyes.

We sat and enjoyed the cool air together. watching various things like birds pecking at the concrete, or couples walking their dogs, or young children picking up leaves off the ground. 

"Wait," Jongin snapped me back to reality, "What about The Choi's? So, what are they going to do now?"

I hadn't given it much thought, but I had wondered if they were angry at me, or worse, depressed. I meant no harm at all. But I hope they knew I was scared in the beginning. I didn't really think Jongin was going to stick around, and I didn't want to be a single mother barely making it. I hadn't heard from them, but I hoped they would come to forgive me.

"I don't know, maybe this child just wasn't for them..." I trailed off, feeling like a up all over again. I hoped I was doing something right. It was weirdly quiet and I turned my head to see Jongin giving me a creepy grin.

"I'm glad you changed your mind. But even if you did hand him over to them, I would have still loved you."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Oh yes, I could feel the love of you ignoring me for a few weeks." I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to stay away. Everyday I went without talking to you hurt me more and more." His voice was low and had a wistful tone to it. He tightened his arm around me and I settled on his shoulder.

"I really don't deserve you." I said.

"Don't say that, I wouldn't have settled for anyone else."

I figured arguing would be useless. But I was glad Jongin had stayed with me. I did love him a lot. But I guess it was the fear that I had of being rejected or dumped for so long, it still makes me cautious. My thoughts were interrupted once again as I felt the baby kick. I realized Jongin had never felt it before, so I grabbed his hand and pressed it on the lower part of my stomach.

He looked confused, "What is it?"

"Do you feel that?!" I said delighted.

"No..."

I pressed his hand firm against me and felt the baby kick once more. I looked up at his face and swore his eyes were going to pop out of his skull. I couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face. He looked like he was a deer about to be run over or something. 

"Wa- was that th-the...." He couldn't find the words.

"Yes! It is!" I nodded enthusiastically. I was happy to see the look of surprise on his face, just as I was hoping for.

"Whoa... it felt... weird. i can't believe it." He said intently. I was pleased.

✿

wow sorry this chapter was so angsty >__< I know it's not alot, but my break ended and it's back to school for me. OTL. I haven't had much time to write a long chapter, but I feel it's good to stop here. Oh and I chose a lacy background cuz it's a baby and babies are cute with lace and yeah. hehe. thank you new readers/subscribers ;; forgive the unedited grammar-ness. I really think exo x OC fics are my forte. I can express more into it and I'm gonna stop now yeah anyways *kiss u all*

feedback? :)