word:kill by riraitoe

Reviewed by: Lia (unnamed1demannu)

Non-graded:

Title: I like it. It's very stylistic and makes me wonder what the story may be about. After actually reading the story, I think it's still stylistic but it doesn't have much of a relation to the story itself. I like that ambiguity, but others might not.

Description: It's very interesting. There's tons of exposition, which helps the reader understand your universe. It can come off as a bit droning, because it's purely exposition; some people would prefer to learn about the world as they go on. I personally don't mind exposition, and so I enjoyed it.

Foreword: It was like the kind of foreword I'd write, so I liked it.

Appearance: I liked the layout; it was very minimalistic, but it made everything easy to read and I felt it fit with the tone of the story. No graphics, so I won't say anything about that.

Enjoyment: The first chapter was a bit stunted, for lack of a better word - I had difficulty getting into it. From the second chapter on, though, it was very compelling and enjoyable. I was rather disappointed when it ended.

Graded:

Plot: ★★★ (3/5)

The plot itself was confusing. I couldn't figure the main "goal" of the story, possibly because it's unfinished. At first, I thought it was going to be about Sungkyu trying to figure out who L is while Min dealt with her past and something shady doing on in the underground/with the Snatchers. Then, the L/Min plot point got resolved very suddenly, and Sungkyu went Aboveground and made a deal with Zinger.

So, my main problem with the story is that there doesn't appear to be a central conflict, and therefore the entire story feels a bit "rambly" and disconnected. The fact that you move very quickly (the L/Min subplot got resolved within, what, three chapters? and the L/Sungkyu subplot got resolved in two chapters or so, too) doesn't help matters much.

It's very possible that there is no central conflict yet because the story isn't complete - that isn't a problem at all, and I'm very interested to see where the plot goes next. The only thing that I think could be improved is the pacing. Space out big revelations (L and Min's history, Jiyoon randomly showing up out of the blue) with smaller, less exciting events. It'll probably have a very "filler" feel, but it won't overwhelm the reader as much.

Characterization: ★★★★ (4/5)

I'll start off by saying that I love the way you write your characters. I felt like I had a very good feel on CL, Jepp, and Sungkyu's personalities. I loved CL as a sugar addict, and I love both her near-psychosis and her sense of responsibility as a pseudo-leader. She seemed very realistic, if a little screwed up, and I like that. Jepp seemed a little more flat, but that was probably because he didn't have enough "screentime"; I got that he was a bit of a carefree guy, maybe even a bit of a flirt, but I didn't get any sense of depth beyond that. He also seems to be less involved in the story - Min has a history with L (and got abducted by him), CL seems to be "friends" with a lot of people, Sungkyu went off and got himself a subplot, but poor Jepp seems to lead a relatively uninteresting life, hanging in orbit around his "friends".

Min...I liked her background, and I like how, previous to her background, you'd hinted that she'd once been different and that she probably still had the capacity to be more outgoing and such. Her personality was good as well. However, her motivation for being quiet was unclear. It seemed like the biggest regret she had about her past was that she'd left L behind - why would that be enough to render her almost mute? If it wasn't, why did she suddenly stop being mute when she met L again?

Personally, I liked the diversity of your characters - I got a serious pleasant surprise with the appearance of Key (ultimate bias FTW) and I liked all of the other characters as well - G.O., BoA, Jiyoon, Zinger, Zico etc. Since I know a lot of groups, I can therefore recognize names and categorize your characters easier. For someone who doesn't know all of the groups and to whom the names are completely new and alien, the influx of characters may be confusing. It feels like you're introducing three new people per chapter, and after the cast grows to a certain extent, people may stop caring about each individual character because there's simply too many of them.

Another problem with loads and loads of characters is some of them start to have indistinguishable personalities. BoA (at least, I think it was BoA) seemed to have a similar personality to Jiyoon, except that Jiyoon had anger and abandonment issues and BoA was very uncharacterized. I didn't see the purpose of Amber, and Zico seemed like Key, only more cocky and without anger/werefox issues.

Speaking of the werefox - I'm guessing that you added supernatural elements (like the crazy healing after getting shot in the heat and throat) for a reason. It's getting confusing remembering who has what ability.

Flow: ★★★★ (4/5)

The story reads very easily. There are a couple little hiccups, but they do little to detract from the overall feel of the story.

Examples:

Chapter 1: "even then he only looked 14" seems out-of-place; it seems to be modifying the fight and not the oldest boy.
"The smile in them" seems to be referring to Ricky, not to his eyes.
"stop himself from screaming" would probably be better as "keep himself from screaming"
"were going unanswered" would be better as "were going to be unanswered" or "would be unanswered": it's a future event, even though it's very near future
"maybe he was dead right then" should probably be "maybe he was dead right now" because it's a thought, and he's thinking in the present, not the past.

There are a couple places where dialogue gets confusing - it's difficult to tell who's talking. The only other recurring problem I found was, similar to the "Ricky's eyes smiling" example above, where your modifiers are unclear.

Originality: ★★★★ (4/5)

This is not the first postapocalyptic fic I've ever read. This also isn't the first fic with supernatural elements. However, there's still a very original feel to it; the juxtaposition of all the elements isn't used often (if at all).

Grammar/Spelling: ★★★★★ (4.5/5)

I couldn't find any spelling errors, so props for that. Grammar errors were few and far between - I think you have a couple comma splices (where you join two independent clauses with a comma), and a couple syntax problems (which I covered in flow).

(If you'd like a more detailed grammar edit, just PM me. I may take  while to get back to you, though; just as a warning)

Overall: ★★★★ (4/5)

(mathematically a bit lower, but I enjoyed it so I just pushed it higher)

It was a very well-written story. Even though there's a couple areas that could be improved, it didn't detract much from the overall story.

(Also, I wrote this before the twelfth chapter was posted. Most of the points still stand, especially with the added twist of the factory - I would advise you to deal with Sungkyu's mission first, unless the factory is necessary for the completion of the mission.)

Thanks for requesting!

Your fic was really good; I'm glad you asked for a review, because, truthfully, I wouldn't have otherwise read it. I especially love the way you write dialogue - it's very natural and flows well. I personally at writing dialogue, so I'll take notes from your story XD

I hope this was satisfactory?