Count On Me by jelly_donut

(reviewed by Ren)

Comments before reading:

-Description is incredibly generic

-Wow, your foreword is like the definition of angsty love story

-Nice background. I like blue stripes.

Plot: ★★★★(4/5)

The plot actually has decent pacing, and, while cliche, it gets the point across. However, I didn't really feel very touched when reading the fic, as it gave me a very "I'm going to list everything that happens and the bulk of this fic is narration and stating my feels" vibe, so while I know what emotions are tied to the story, I don't feel them (See Characterization). Also, the focus of the plot changes a bit, which is a bit disconcerting: it starts out with Youngjae "breaking", which gives me an image of suicide or mental instability. However, the actual plot is Daehyun physically dying, which is kind of random because his spirit remains unbroken at the end and it's Youngjae trying to calm Daehyun (yay heroic death scenes) and Youngjae, who supposedly breaks, doesn't even throw an emotional hissy-fit. I could list plot holes about how to hide bruises, truancy, killing someone with a bottle and kicking down doors, but I don't think that's necessary to enjoying the story (However, an abused kid gone for a week who "never misses school" is pretty improbable- the abuser randomly decides to keep him from school for an entire week?). I'm all right with plot mutation even though it is kind of annoying because the foreword's kind of misleading, but my main complaint is still that it's not very touching.

Youngjae being abused to death is pretty random. "I can't save him from the darkness that swallowed him up" doesn't even fit that.

Characterization: ★★ (2/5)

Youngjae is abused and stubborn with trust issues and Daehyun loves Youngjae. That's pretty much all the characterization you have, and it doesn't even show up that well. For example, you straight out tell us that Youngjae is stubborn, yet his thought process doesn't reflect a refusal to change his opinion. Also, Youngjae doesn't give an explanation for shutting his emotions form the rest of the world, he simply states that he convinced himself that his burdens were his own. You reference that he thinks no one cares for him, but you don't work it into his thoughts so he seems to shut himself off for s and giggles. Youngjae talks about "dealing with the pain", but we never really know what the pain in or empathize with him. If I stated "I have an open wound", it would have next to no emotional effect for you. Similarly, when Youngjae says he can "deal with the pain", I really don't care. If you want to focus on the physical abuse, it's pretty easy for him to wince when a book hits his arm or something or the cold air to sting against a cut. If you want to focus on verbal abuse, you can make his ears ring or show himself trying not to believe what his abuser is saying while some part of him really does believe he's worthless. Why does the pain affect him and why won't he trust people? If you go back to the trust issue, you can elaborate on how he thinks that no one really cares about him by bringing up a past betrayal or even tying it in to the verbal abuse. For Daehyun, you say he loves Youngjae a ton and leave it at that without explaining how he knows and how he feels. Your characters are one-dimensional and hard to connect to. Also for emotions in general, you already imply things like guilt or happiness without outright stating them, but you don't work them into descriptions of actions. Instead of his "shoulder was bruised but Daehyun continued on", you could make him panic with "he barely registered his shoulder throbbing as he frantically slammed himself against the door" or whatevs.

Flow: ★★★ (3/5)  

It flows well enough that I can get the plot by a speed-read, but there's jarring moments that mess up the emotional flow. "Let out his feelings" cracked me up and diverted my attention from the melancholy theme, among others. My other complaint is that your story is an exercise in redundancy, and while it doesn't directly affect the flow, it makes me want to skim the story instead of reading it. Whenever you want to say something (Daehyun didn't mind Youngjae's stubbornness about mundane things) you restate it (No, those he didn't mind). While this technique adds voice, it's overused and adds no meaning or explanation (Forgotten container from the past- no, we totally made it fifteen years in the future and forgot last year). Some things sound overly dramatic ("He's falling...He is. And we need to be there to catch him.". I mean seriously. I get the motif and all, but can you imagine two people saying that over a crying person? It works in the moment, I guess, but I would personally leave the second part unsaid in the story.

 ("Yeah", Himchan mumbled.

And we have to catch him hung in the air. )

Also, of the most revealing or dramatic moments are skimmed over. I think the 119 phone call could be the most emotionally charged scene, but it only has one sentence. If you expand it (fumbling with the cell phone, babbling at the call taker and basically thinking about what you would do if you simply panicked), it could show exactly how worried Daehyun is. Youngjae's last moments are skimmed over as well, which lowers emotional impact. a "few more kisses" implies they had lots of time, so simply describe a bittersweet smile or a kiss through tears or something before he dies to make it more realistic. Also, after his death, you could have Daehyun in denial being unreasonable or just in shock for additional angst. Daehyun seems oddly well-adjusted after Youngjae's death.

You could also write about Youngjae's injuries if you felt like it- it seems kind of unreasonable for Daehyun's first instinct not to be to stop the bleeding/medicate as well as he can, but I'm not sure how that stuff works. Currently, he just kinda dies from "assorted abuse injuries".

The last two sentences are great, but for the love of god, change the second or compact them into one. "The ____ was _____"- how more bland can you get? It's a great image completely ruined by two uses of "container" and a bland sentence.

Plus, container? Yay for vague imagery.

On the corner of the newly made grave sat a glass jar overflowing with white lilies, a label reading "'Money for Dae & Jae's one-way ticket to Seoul' in a child's scrawl haphazardly stuck across the front.

^about that, the repetition doesn't make too strong of an impact, so although you can use exact wording like you did in the story, I wouldn't deem it necessary.

Originality: ★(1/5)

Abused child has trust issues. Drowning in the originality here.

Grammar/Spelling: ★★★★ (4/5)  

Grammar is not my forte, but there's a few things that stick out. Some random words are in present tense, so just make sure you stick to past tense. You use fragments for emphasis (starting sentences with 'cause and And in your foreword) which technically works, but makes your sentences choppy if the emphasis isn't necessary. For example, the last sentence of your foreword is grammatically incorrect (can't start a sentence with because) but works in a literary sense because it created a sense of foreboding, while earlier in your foreword, you could combine sentences (after all, and Jung Daehyun got used to everything eventually) without losing meaning or impact. You don't need a comma in "left behind, because they thought" and if you start a sentence with an adverb, put a comma after it (Smiling, etc) so be careful about commas. (Also "The warmth Youngjae was radiating, enough to keep him from shivering too violently" is a fragment, change it to "radiated enough warmth" or something similar). Be careful about commas and fragments, I guess.

Your story has pretty sound grammar.

Overall:   ★★★(3.5/5)

Today I wasn't in a very emotional mood, so I might've been a little scathing or sarcastic in my review. Sorry about that. Compared to most of AFF, your story's engaging, well-paced, and relatively touching. Sorry about it not being too thorough- I got kind of lazy when half my work got deleted.

Let me know if anything isn't clear or if you have any further questions!

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