Fool For Love
SpecialI stared at the person standing before me. I couldn't think. I had so many questions in my mind I didn't know what to think, how to think.
His smile. He was smiling, why? He had taught me a love that didn't seem like love at all - he made me a fool for love. Yes his smile right now, no matter what his intentions were, made my heart warm. Seeing JB smiling before me... It meant a lot to me. It meant that he was happy to see me - be sincere or not.
But all my pent-up emotions from last night came running through my mind, and my mind was telling me, "Oh Seungah, you can't - you musn't be a fool anymore... You musn't fall for him again," I knew how much it hurt, I shouldn't - musn't become a fool again. Why should I, when I was the one giving everything, yet being forgotten all the time?
How can you do this to me?
It took me a while to realise that I had thought out loud. Then all the times where he had hurt me, where he had treated me like a broken ragdoll to play with, where he had broken my heart even when it was wounded. The tears couldn't stop and the words "How can you do this to me?" never stopped flowing. I was hurling fists at him but I could barely gather enough strength to physically hurt him - and I'm not sure if I couldn't or I wouldn't.
His voice rang in my ears but I could barely make out what he was saying. Something along the lines or "Why" and "crying"... And "Noona". I sniffled and laughed at myself. What was I thinking? I'm only a noona to him. Nothing more, nothing less. I calmed myself down and tried to smile - for myself, and for him. Why I wanted to smile for JB, I never knew.
Perhaps I'm just a fool who gives all and smiles even when everything is lost.
"Seungah, if you accept him, then you can hug him, if not you can push him away,"
The entire process of choosing seemed like a blur to me. His nervous face. Slowly walking towards him. Trying hard not to let his presence affect my choice. Hugging. Not knowing what I've just done. Regret, not love. JB's cocky smile. JB's warmth when I hugged him. Regret. JB's smile. JB. JB. JB.
I knew I had made a fool out of myself again, but I was a fool for love. I'm clinging onto any last piece of hope, any last scrap of love, any last remains of his heart. His heart...which was never and will never be mine. I kept my distance with him as he kept casting curious glances at me and also a bit of...regret? Reluctance?
Awkwardly, he placed his jacket over my shoulders, but in a much too friendly way. In a way like a loving brother would care for his sister. In a way like a hoobae would respect his sunbae. In a way like how someone would take pity of a fool, a fool in unrequited love.
I sighed and tried to remain my composure till the filming ended. As I stared off into the sunset, I wondered if I had just made myself the biggest fool for love in this world. Is there anyone out there just like me? Who would give their all and smile even when everything is lost? Who would continue loving even when there was no one to love you back anymore?
I felt my eyes watering.
I didn't and never would resemble JB. But someday, I'll find someone who resembles me, who's a fool for love as well, who would give their all and smile only at me, and I would give my all and smile only at him. There has to be a fool like me somewhere, and that person will be waiting for me like a fool we both are.
I'm a fool, I know.
I'm sorry for being like this.
But I'll always be a fool for love.
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