So Special, To Me
Special
Finally it was the end of filming for The Romantic & The Idol. I sighed loudly and headed back to the dorm immediately where my comforting bed was at. I was drained...emotionally more than physically.I plugged in my earphones and clicked shuffled and Lee Hi's deep soulful voice filled my ears.
Heartbeat, beat, beat...
Strange how I can't really hear my own heartbeat. Maybe my heart's just had enough. I tried so hard not to let today's events go through my head. I closed my eyes and rolled over to the other side of the bed. I picked up my iPod to change the song, but I stopped.
At the tangled memories, I smile and I cry.
Jaebeom's face during our so-called date suddenly appeared in my head. He looked so disappointed, disgruntled, unhappy. I knew he liked Jei. I knew he saw me only as a friend. Or maybe even less. The whole time, he was just talking about Jei. I don't blame him. I only blame myself for being so stupid, to fall for someone who would never love - forget love - even like me back.
Then I remembered Jaebeom piggybacking me so excitedly. Saying "Let's go Noona!" with his smiling face. I remembered the way my heart started beating faster when he came out during my song. I remembered being on his broad shoulders, feeling so secure even though he was the younger one. I was so happy then. I knew he still liked Jei, but I just decided... Hey, I can always dream can't I?
If love is measured by how much one was in pain, then you were a love that I won’t ever have again.
Then I remembered what he told me in the truth room. I laughed. Stupid of me. So foolish of me to think that he was going to confess to me when he took my hand without any hesitation. When he chose me to go to the tuth room with. Half of me was hoping, the other half was dreading. The other half was right.
"I really like you as a Noona... But not more than that... And I guess you were thinking of us being more than that..."
I laughed again as I stared up at the ceiling. Foolish me. You're so foolish Oh Seungah. Love hurts... You shouldn't have fallen. Then I felt something wet on my cheek. I wiped it away and I laughed again. Why am I even crying? I shouldn't even cry... This.. This is just a reality show? Isn't it?
You are, you are, you a-are, so special... To me...
Except I know it wasn't anymore. At least not to me. I let my guard down. I was too careless. I knew that weird yet adorable boy had a special place in my heart now... Even though he may do anything to have a special place in Jei's heart instead. More tears rolled down my cheeks and I laughed at myself silently.
Even it hurts, it's okay if it's you...
Even if it's sad memories, it's okay if it's mine...
The rap came and everything she said just felt like...like it was telling my story now. I covered my mouth and cried more. I let everything out. I could care less if anyone saw me. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I murmured to myself:
"Foolish, you are so foolish Oh Seungah..."
The worst part of this whole thing was that I knew I was never going to let it go. I knew I was going to take a long time to get over him. I knew I was going to hold on to whatever he had given me, be it sincere or not, I could care less. Even if I was going to break down... I would still hold on.
Even if it's in this way, even if I will regret it, thank you for remaining in me.
And that itself... It's the scariest part of this whole thing.
I sat up and wiped my tears away. I pulled out my earphones unable to listen to anything anymore. I already knew what JB meant to me. He was special. To me.
First you made my heart beat... Now you beat my heart...
He'll always be in my heart, making my heart beat, making my heart ache, until I'm strong enough to let him go.
Gah it's kind of crappy >< Anyway yeah... Just like a sudden idea so yep ^^; It's also inspired by Lee Hi's Special in her new album... I was listening to that and suddenly Seungah came to mind... Poor gurl really :(
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