Entry 1. 

It's been almost a month since we last talked. You keep calling me, texting me, leaving me numerous messages. You've tried to come over here, to talk to me. My father almost let you in, until I screamed at him to close the door and never let you set foot in this house again. That pissed him off. 

You seem to care. About me, about how I'm doing. You have no clue as to why I'm avoiding you. I used to read every text you sent me, I used to listen to every voice mail you left. It was always the same few things. Your beautiful voice, asking me what's wrong, asking me what you did to upset me.  It made me cry even more, and I hated it. So I've stopped. I don't listen to your messages anymore. I don't read the texts you send me. But they're still there, on my phone. I can't bring myself to delete them, just like I can't bring myself to read them. 

Sometimes I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget you, I wish I could forget what I saw. I wish I could forget all the memories we shared.

But of all my desires, my biggest wish is to know what I've done wrong. What was it you wanted, that I never gave you? 

I want to ask you. I want to go back in time and ask you, what could I possibly have done that I didn't do to satisfy you? I would have given it to you in a heartbeat. 

Or was it that I did too much? Was I in your way? Did you just get tired of me? I'm sorry. 

It would be so much easier if you stopped acting like you cared. It would be so much easier if you would just stop texting me, stop leaving me voice mail. Why? Why do you do it? Is it just to torture me, to play with my feelings like I'm your ball of yarn? 

Sometimes I wonder if you really don't know why I've cut off from you. And then that makes me wonder, what if you really weren't cheating on me? What if he really kissed you first, out of nowhere? If I had stayed to watch, would I see you pulling away and screaming at him that you have a boyfriend? Or would I see you leaning in and kissing back? 

Entry 2.

Byunghun... I miss you. 

I've been avoiding the sun a lot lately. My father yells at me for always being in my room. He says he wants to be home alone once in a while. We've argued several times, and I am always left in bruises. But I can't go out, afraid that I'll run into you again. 

Have you thought about it? When we met in the supermarket. You cried. I cried. You kissed me and I ran away.

I can still remember your sweet voice, the feeling of your lips on mine. You saying you're sorry, begging me to explain. 

I can't deal with that. 

Entry 3.

Changhyun came over yesterday. I hadn't seen him in a long time. When I broke away from you, I broke away from everyone else as well. 

Apparently you sent him, to check on me. You must have been tired of banging on my door, screaming at me to open up. Every time you come over here and yell at me from the outside, I cry. 

He will probably tell you soon, about how horrible I look. My father's been getting angry a lot lately. This is when I miss you most. I miss you comforting me, telling me everything will be okay. Kissing my scars and saying you love me. 

I've been running out of my medication weeks before I'm suppose to get a refill. 

Entry 6. 

I'm in a lot of pain, Byunghun. Why can't you just leave me alone? Stop coming over to my house every single day. I can't stand it. The texts and voice mail I can avoid. But I can't avoid you, yelling at me from the outside. Why can't you just understand that I'm never going to open the door? 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even writing. Sometimes I wonder why I think about you every second of the day. I can't forget you. It's taking over my life. It's been months since we last talked. It's been months since I last went outside. 

My medicine is the only thing that makes me feel better. 

Entry 11. 

Please, just...stop..

Entry 22.

I've been writing a lot lately... I write down the things I could have done differently. I write down the flaws I have. It turns out I have a lot.

Reading over my own flaws just sparks this worthless feeling in me. It also makes me realize how pathetic I am, and how I don't deserve you. I never did in the first place. So I've ripped apart most of the entries I've made in my journal. 

Where are you? 

Entry 28.

I've written and torn apart 3 entries today already. I write every single day now. You haven't come by in a long time. I know you've probably grown tired of screaming at me with no reply, but.... do you still care? 

I don't take my medication anymore. No matter how much I take, it just doesn't work anymore. 

Entry 31.

Byunghun, I'm so sorry. I can't believe how I've been acting. I'm sorry I stopped talking to you. I'm sorry I started to avoid you. Please, forgive me. 

I regret what I've done with my life. I don't care if you kissed Jonghyun! I don't care if you cheated on me or not! I just want you back!

I'm a horrible boyfriend. Do you still think of me as yours? Have you moved on and forgotten me? Is that why you stopped coming over? I read all your texts. I listened to all your messages. I've called you several times, but you don't answer! 

I just want to talk to you.. I just want to hear your voice, one last time. 

Entry 35. 

Byunghun.... In all the entries I've made, I haven't once said I love you... I've written about missing you, wanting to hear your voice.. wanting to forget you and our memories. I take it back. I don't want to forget you, I don't want to forget us. I love you. I love you so much.

I went outside for the first time in what felt like years. I went to your house. There were a few cars in the driveway, and as I knocked on the door I could hear voices behind it, laughing. I heard your distant voice, and it sounded sweet. 

Jonghyun was the one who opened the door. 

. . . .

That...hurt. It hurt so much. 

Is he the reason you stopped coming over? Is he the reason you stopped texting me and leaving me messages? Is that why you don't even reply to my texts and voice mail? Or did you just stop bothering to check your phone at all? 

After seeing him in the doorway, I froze for a few seconds. The pain I felt at that moment. . . was probably more pain than I've ever felt during these past few months.

I ran... I ran before he even had the chance to say anything. Before you even had the chance to come to the door, and talk to me. 

It's so hard to write right now..I'm a sobbing mess. But I can't stop, I just can't. 

Byunghun. . . I don't know if I'm going to be okay. 

A while after I got back, my father came home. He heard me crying. He's so tired of hearing me cry, almost every day. I've been black and blue for the longest time.

But this time was really bad. He kept hitting and kicking me, calling me a and saying I can go to hell and then I'll "really" have a reason to cry. 

Byunghun... it hurts. Everywhere. I love you so much.. I really, really cannot tell you enough. I love you with every ounce of my heart. I don't think I'm going to be around much longer enough to tell you in person. So here's to praying you'll read this. I love you, so much. 

I think my ankle is sprained. It pains me physically to write this. 

I really hope you know how much I ing love you. These words are not being written lightly. I love you so much.

Can you see the spots on this paper where my tears have landed? It's probably dry by now. 

Byunghun... I really think I'm going to die. My heart is racing incredibly fast, and I feel so weak. It's all my fault.  I stopped taking my medicine because it wasn't making me feel better anymore. I had a two-and-a-half month supply of it stashed away. 

The silence seems so strong. It feels really weird. There are many noises, the TV in my father's room on, my sobbing, the pencil moving on the paper. It's shouldn't be quiet at all...and yet I hear nothing.

My whole body is tingling. I am really freaking out. I didn't know it was possible for my heart to beat so fast. 

I took all my medicine, to make the pain go away. 

So why is it I only feel worse? 

Who am I kidding... Byunghun, I'm sorry. For anything I lack, for anything I've ever done to ever upset you, I'm sorry. I knew what the consequences were of overdosing by so much, and now it's happening. And I honestly don't know if I'm regretting it or not, but my heart keeps racing faster and faster, so I have to write quickly. I don't want something bad to happen until I finish this.

I want you to know that I hope you're happy. Above anything else, I take most comfort in knowing you're smiling. I'm sorry I've made you angry, by ignoring you for so long. When I went to your house, and Jonghyun opened the door... I saw you, behind him, sitting on the couch in the living room. You were smiling. You looked so happy...and I'm glad. 

So, maybe I'm not the one on your mind anymore.. even though that hurts me so much, I'm glad. But I know you must love me, at least a little bit, right? 

That's why I'm going to tell you this,

Byunghun. . I love you more than anything in the world. Please don't have any thoughts that you're the reason I'm not here anymore. It's not your fault. It's mine. I have isolated myself to the point that depression was bound to take over. Maybe if I had gone out some more, hung out with friends, had some fun... I wouldn't have felt this way..

This is entry #35... It feels like I've written so many more entries than this. I've ripped up so many, more are torn than aren't. I don't know why I started writing in the first place, but I definitely never thought you would read them, nor that this would turn into a suicide note. But I really hope you do read them, because I want you to understand. My dying wish is for you to be happy. 

It's starting to hurt, a lot. So much. My left arm just went numb, I can't move it at all. It's scary. 

I keep asking myself if I regret this. I think I should, but I don't. I'm sorry. 

Good bye. 

Link to the sequel :  I Wish I Could Tell You