Kyuhyun had found out about Sungmin’s condition just a few weeks before graduation.

It had been an accident, of course. Kyuhyun had later discovered that Sungmin had gone to enormous lengths to conceal the information from him, so it was just by chance that he’d walked in on Sungmin having what could only be called a mental breakdown.

His boyfriend had been sitting in the very centre of his bed, his room completely dark and pitch black, save for the tiny light that emanated from the screen of his phone. It wasn’t an odd sight to see Sungmin in the middle of some kind of deep thought, but what had Kyuhyun’s brows furrowing was the sight of a slim kitchen knife resting delicately on top of the blue covers.

Sungmin hadn’t even noticed Kyuhyun in the doorway, his eyes so completely fixated on the blade in front of him.

The most frightening part of it was seeing the calculations running through Sungmin’s orbs, as though he was contemplating on actually using it.

In what way, the younger didn’t want to know.

Shaken, Kyuhyun had quickly slipped out of the room and back down the hallway, his body putting as much distance between himself and the boy as possible.

After that, Kyuhyun suddenly became more aware of Sungmin’s movements around him.

In the past, whenever his boyfriend had an argument with himself or someone else, Kyuhyun had just assumed that he’d walked away to blow off steam. It was only just coming to his attention that, after following Sungmin, the shorter teen was simply walking to somewhere secluded, to clutch at his own arms and cry his eyes out.

And it wasn’t just once.

Even for small things, such as his younger brother not shutting the door when he left the room, Kyuhyun could only just notice the tears of frustration that would fill Sungmin’s eyes before he managed to blink them away, quickly excusing himself from the room.

Kyuhyun had followed Sungmin quietly to the bathroom, where he could faintly hear the other screaming into a wadded towel.

Sungmin would emerge from the room some time later, his face streaked with dried tears and his eyes dull.

Kyuhyun had no idea what one earth was going on, and he was frightened. Never before had he seen this dark, oddly suffering side of Sungmin, and he wondered why they’d never talked about it before.

But he also couldn’t escape the knowledge that he had clearly rendered enough of his attention elsewhere while Sungmin was taking a heavy downward spiral.

Kyuhyun knew that something had to be done when he heard from his friends that Sungmin had screamed at his math teacher before he promptly kicked a hole in the door, shocking the entire room’s occupants, and more so, himself.

Which was why when Kyuhyun showed up to Sungmin’s house that night unannounced, he was only a little surprised to see that Sungmin was once again back in the darkness of his room, but this time tucked away in the far corner. Kyuhyun’s heart broke at the sight of Sungmin’s stricken face as it snapped around, a bloody tissue held to his nose.

“Jesus, Min!” Kyuhyun had exclaimed, wasting no time in rushing over to his boyfriend, gently lifting his head in search of a wound. “What happened? Are you ok?”

Grimacing, Sungmin had tried to push him away with one hand, shaking his head. “I’m fine, Kyuhyun, relax.”

“You’re bleeding-”

“I have a nosebleed,” Sungmin mumbled, trying to turn his face away and not quite meeting Kyuhyun’s frantic gaze. “I get them when I’m tired.”

Not convinced at all, Kyuhyun pulled his own handkerchief from his uniform pocket, pulling Sungmin’s hand away so he could gingerly dab at the trickle of blood. “Don’t lie to me.” Kyuhyun shifted so that he could sit as closely to Sungmin as possible, ignoring his boyfriend’s protest.

That night, it took over an hour for Sungmin to lower his guard and let Kyuhyun take care of him, almost in a kind of trance as he was placed on the bed and his shirt was tugged over his head. Only when Kyuhyun had placed Sungmin under the covers securely did the shorter finally look at him, his lips trembling.

“You’re too good to me,” Sungmin had whispered, his voice shatteringly convinced. “You deserve so much better, Kyu.”

“Don’t say that,” Kyuhyun sighed then, sitting beside Sungmin’s blanket-covered form and lightly brushing his fingers across the latter’s cheek. “You know that I don’t want anyone else.”

And Kyuhyun thought that the single most horrible moment of his life was then; as Sungmin’s eyes reflected nothing but worn, crumpled sadness, so clearly disbelieving of every word that was coming out of Kyuhyun’s mouth.

To change the subject, Sungmin had averted his eyes. “Are you sleeping here tonight?”

“I can’t,” Kyuhyun had said regretfully, his tone sincerely apologetic. “I have too much homework. But I can stay until you fall asleep.”

Sungmin’s response had been bland and quite obviously forced. “No, it’s ok,” a tight smile pulled at his chapped lips. “Go home, you need to study.”

And despite Kyuhyun’s insistence, Sungmin had declined any further offers of companionship. That night, Kyuhyun had walked home with his head down and his shoulders slouched, wondering what on earth had changed so quickly, or had changed simply without him noticing.

“Severe depression,” Kyuhyun had been told later, as he sat at the Lee family’s kitchen table early one morning, two weeks later. He usually walked by Sungmin’s house each day and they’d go to school together, but today, Sungmin was apparently still in bed.

In front of him sat Sungmin’s father, the older man’s eyes filled with a deep sympathy as Kyuhyun could only blanch, caught off guard completely.

“What?” He’d managed to choke out, his grip on his mug of coffee so tight that his fingers had begun to turn a sickening shade of white. “How? When?”

“He didn’t want to worry you,” Mr Lee had muttered blandly, “But it was about four or five months ago. Sungmin’s temper was all over the place, so we took him to a doctor to make sure that he was ok.”

“Why didn’t he say anything?” Kyuhyun had asked softly, hurt that he’d never heard a single mention of this. “We’re…we’re dating.”

“We respected his wish to keep you out of it for a most part, but his…condition…has gotten pretty bad lately.”

Kyuhyun couldn’t help but agree.

When he found Sungmin in his second compromising position, everything hit the fan.

“Don’t tell me that you understand. Don’t sit there and say that you know what’s going on in my head.” Sungmin had snarled from where he stood by the shower, an opened bottle of sleeping pills in one hand. Kyuhyun had barely been able to put together the intent that was behind the sudden use of meds.

Pills that weren’t even prescribed to Sungmin. They were his mother’s, but Sungmin didn’t seem to care in the slightest.

But Kyuhyun was having a hard time getting his head around the sudden realisation that Sungmin was ing suicidal.

“You can’t seriously be considering this!” Kyuhyun had objected, his eyes nervously shifting to the pills. “Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“I am,” Sungmin had spoken with conviction, so completely sure of his words. “Are you?” he’d shot back, clutching the bottle tightly between his clenched fingers, his hand visibly shaking.

Kyuhyun had nodded resolutely. “Of course I do. Put them down, Min. Please.” He’d pleaded so desperately; unsure of whether he was supposed to approach Sungmin and take the pills by force or simply be patient, and wait for Sungmin to wake from whatever mood he was clinging to.

So Kyuhyun kept a small distance between them, begging for Sungmin to think twice. That he still needed him. The fear that Sungmin was even considering to do something such as this was making him so worried he feared that he was going to throw up, but he tried to keep a level head.

This moment wasn’t about himself, or anyone else.

This was about Sungmin.

Sure enough, after five minutes of intense, back-and-forth arguing, Sungmin cracked. After a broken whisper of, “I love you Min, please, don’t do it”, the older teen had collapsed forward into Kyuhyun’s arms, the bottle spilling its contents all over the bathroom floor as Sungmin cried his heart out into the brunette’s chest.

“I’m so tired, Kyu,” Sungmin had sobbed out, his tears soaking through his shirt and yet Kyuhyun didn’t care. He could only bury his hands into Sungmin’s hair as his own eyes stung and prickled as the smaller had choked, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done, Kyuhyun, I have nothing to live for.”

It had burned everything in Kyuhyun to know that he really couldn’t relate. He could never know what Sungmin was going through.

Sungmin was suffering through something that Kyuhyun could never begin to comprehend.

It had burned him to think that he wasn’t enough for Sungmin.

He was still willing to tear them apart.

And all Kyuhyun could do was hold Sungmin, hugging him so tightly that it made it hard for both of them to breathe. Never had he loved another person so much. Knowing that Sungmin had considered the worst had Kyuhyun shuddering and clutching to the shorter even more as they sank down onto the floor, their legs surrounded by the very things that Sungmin had planned to end his life with.

That night, Kyuhyun had slept beside Sungmin.


Kyuhyun had awoken the next morning to empty, cold sheets, the clear and obvious absence of Sungmin screaming at him the moment his eyes opened.

“Min?” He had called, sickening, heavy fear already twisting and knotting at his heart as he slowly sat up, a lump sticking in his throat. “Sungmin?”

Kyuhyun couldn’t even talk when he saw the bathroom door cracked open, soft, gentle light escaping from it into the darkness of Sungmin’s dark bedroom.

It was all Kyuhyun needed to see before he broke down completely, the tears that fogged his vision too thick and heady for him to see the small note that poked out from beneath the pillow they had shared.

 

"You deserve better."