Chapter two

Kai took off his coat, sighing as he dropped it on the chair next to him before sitting on the chair. He rubbed his exhausted eyes, his tired body complaining loudly about all the energy it had spent today. Kai frowned disapprovingly at the memory of the conversation with the producers just now. He had no interest in going to some foreign country for a period to discover whatever was to explore there. He cupped his forehead with his hand, the tiredness crashing on him all at once. His gaze lingered on the desk, before landing on a few copies of his new CD. He smiled bitterly as he reached out for one of them, holding onto the plastic case while eyeing it with glassy eyes.

Perfection.

It was irony at its highest, but only he had to know that. Only he had to know what exactly went through him every single minute, every single second. He was the only one to carry the burden, the only one who should be carrying the burden. He dropped the CD on the desk again before looking around, eyes blinking a couple of times when it landed on the figure sitting on the couch, sleeping. Luhan held onto his backpack protectively as he slept, his head leaning down on the couch. A first day was always exhausting, that Kai knew very well.

“Jongin.”

Kai clenched his hands into fists, gritted his teeth as he continued to look at Luhan. Why, from all the people, did it have to be Luhan? Why did it have to be him? Kai had wanted to leave it all behind, all of the past, yet here Luhan was, triggering it all up again.

He doesn’t know anything, Kai, so don’t blame him, Kai told himself in the hope he would calm down. Indeed, Luhan did not know anything. He did not know what had happened, what had caused him to be the Kai he was today. Yet, he wished he did not have to see Luhan again. It was hard to forget the past, but almost impossibly hard to pretend it never happened in front of the other. But yet also, he had longed to see the other. He had wished to be able to see the other again, even if it were only a glimpse.

He hesitated a while, eyes fixed on the sleeping other, before he carefully stood up and approached Luhan. He never meant to be so cold to the other, never meant to pretend as if it had all been nothing, but it was for the better. All for the better. The closer he was to Luhan, the clearer all of Luhan’s perfections came into view, all the little things that Jongin had adored him for. He looked tired, exhausted of life, yet ever so innocent. The cruelty of life had been merciful to Luhan, allowing him to wear the colorful glasses of childish youth just a little longer.

The close distance between the two of them was suffocating, yet he did not stop, did not want to stop. Luhan’s complexion was still above well for someone his age, the imperfections brought to the minimum. The scar on his lip was almost invisible, again evidence of the mercy of the Heaven. His hand moved slowly, shaking a little, but eventually came in contact with Luhan’s hair. He brushed away the strands that covered the other’s eyes, a warm smile appearing on his lips as he stared at the other. Nothing had really changed. Luhan was still the Luhan he knew. Time had forgotten about Luhan, because here he was, no such evidence of time leaving lifetime scars. No, Luhan was unharmed. Luhan was still Luhan from years ago.

He was the only one who had changed so radically, so painfully.

“Luhannie hyung…” He bit his lower lip, “I’ve missed you so much…”

There were so many things he wanted to tell Luhan, so many things he regretted, but it was too late already. If there was a possibility to turn back time, maybe things could have been different, but right now, there was no such thing as redemption. No, no such thing.

His fingers softly lingered over Luhan’s face, coming lightly in contact with his skin. His eyes showed nothing but longing, nothing but hoping, nothing but loving. It was sadness and pain dancing brilliantly, nostalgia and melancholia starting an affair. He was so absorbed in all of it that he did not even notice the door opening, the person walking in.

“He’s the one, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo asked gently, yet with the slightest bit of distance.

Kai merely nodded, a tear already forming in his eye.

Kyungsoo sighed, “Let’s just ask Chanyeol to come back, Kai. You can’t do this to yourself.”

“No,” Kai spoke out so softly that it was almost a whisper, “no, I can handle this.”

“You can’t, Kai, you can’t,” Kyungsoo’s eyes were filled with concern, “and the moment you break, everything you’ve built so hardly the past few years will be gone.”

Kai understood this. He understood it well. But there was no need to make things more difficult than they were, no need to hurt Luhan more than he already did. He had seen the look on Luhan’s face when he had spoken so coldly that even he himself felt the sting in his heart, and he had heart the longing when Luhan had spoken out his name. He could do this, he wanted to do this.

“You’ve been avoiding confronting him for so long, Kai. So long that you almost forgot about him, yet-”

“It’s not like that, hyung,” Kai spoke out, finally looking the other in the eyes, “it’s not like that.”

Kai threw one last glance at Luhan before standing up. He took the coat from the chair before looking at Kyungsoo.

“Please don’t tell him anything,” Kai said, his voice raw from the boiling emotions inside of him.

Kyungsoo smiled softly, “I never even thought about doing so, Kai.”

And with the reassurance of Kyungsoo and the trust he had in the other, he left the room, desperately in need of fresh air.

-

“K-Kai.”

Luhan had been hesitant to speak up again to Kai, fearing that the other would get angry at him for even calling out his name. But he wanted to talk, he wanted to ask, so he grabbed all his courage and simply did it.

“We’re leaving in ten minutes, so don’t waste any time talking,” Kai merely replied, cold as ever.

“I… I already have everything packed. I…” Luhan took a deep breath, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

Luhan watched Jongin as the other stopped moving, eyes glancing slightly to Luhan without actually looking at the other. Almost, almost it seemed as though Jongin would say something, before the same cold façade returned again and he quickly looked away.

“I don’t see any need in that.”

“Please,” Luhan said bravely, and in the spur of a moment held onto Kai’s arm, “please…”

Kai visibly flinched, causing Luhan’s heart to break ever so hardly, “I said no.”

“But-”

“If you don’t want Chanyeol to be without a job,” Kai said emotionlessly, “I suggest you to stop asking questions and just do what you have to do.”

And with that, Kai left the room, leaving Luhan on his own.

“Luhannie hyung, I get to debut!”

Jongin said happily with tears in his eyes. Luhan smiled proudly, his own eyes slowly tearing up.

“I’m so happy for you, Jongin-ah!”

“Hyung,” Jongin said before embracing the other, “thank you so much for everything.”

Luhan was never a person that would cry easily, but on that moment, he just felt so happy, so excessively happy, that the tears just flew. Jongin lips curved into a beautiful smile as he moved his face closer to Luhan’s ear, saying the words Luhan had been wanting to hear so dearly.

“Hyung,” Jongin whispered in the other’s ear, “I love you.”

It was cold, painful nostalgia that filled Luhan’s empty heart as the words echoed in his head, ever so loudly and ever so clear. He bit his lip harshly as he thought about that moment, wishing so badly that he could live in that memory for a lifetime, because that was the one best moment in his entire life. He would do anything, simply anything to get that moment of his life back in his current.

“Hyung rarely cries…” Jongin said while intertwining their fingers, “Hyung is so strong…”

A tear escaped his eye as thought about the boy he loved so dearly.

-

“Rumors have it that you’re dating someone, Kai-sshi! Please tell us if that’s true!” The interviewer asked curiously, all the cameras focusing on the two of them.

Kai grinned amused, “I’d love to date, but I haven’t found that special person yet.”

“Eh? Then it seems the fans still have a chance then!” The interviewer commented.

Kai’s trademark grin danced on his lips as he remarked, “I love all of my fans.”

“Aish, your fans are so lucky.” The interviewer quickly glanced at the card in his hand, “Is it also true that you’ve been disturbed these days? It was quite a chaos when the news came out that you got a gift with a camera in it.”

“Ah, yes,” Kai said, face stiffening almost invisibly, “that’s correct. It must have been meant as a joke or anything, and I simply wish it won’t happen anymore.”

“Have these kinds of actions been occurring again?” The interviewer asked, “Because it would be quite concerning if that were to be the case.”

“No, nothing has happened after that, which I’m grateful for.”

“That’s wonderful to hear! Then back to your music career. From what I’ve heard, your new album ‘Perfection’ is the current number one hit on all the music stations and music portals! It’s a huge success! You’re even defeating the nation’s little brother Baekhyun, whose new single only managed to reach the top 5.”

“Baekhyun sunbae is someone I really admire, and I believe that his new single is truly brilliant to have reached the top 5 within a week.” Kai chuckled softly, “I’m sure that once he’s album gets out, I’ll have to give up the number one spot to him.”

Luhan followed the whole interview passively, mind too clouded to really listen to what they were talking about. Kai was, in his eyes, the perfect example of an idol that got totally eaten up by the entertainment industry. He fit that world so easily, so effortlessly, as if he was born in that cruel world that was to entertain people. It was not working hard anymore, but purely selling oneself. Kai was an idol that people adored, a superstar that would be praised to the Heaven. Yet Kai was also the perfect example of a person that was not a star for himself anymore, because he lost himself on the road to being other people’s superstar.

“I don’t want to be anyone’s superstar,” Jongin said before kissing Luhan softly on the lips, a shy smile lingering on his lips when he looked Luhan’s in the eyes, “I only want to be your superstar.”

Kai was not Luhan’s superstar. No, not at all. He was everyone’s superstar, everyone except for Luhan’s. Luhan’s superstar was Kim Jongin, the boy with the undying passion and a heart of a child, not Kai, the man who seemed to have died a hundred times in life.

“He’s very good at handling interviews, isn’t he?”

Luhan blinked his eyes a couple of times before turning to look to his side, his gaze landing on Kai’s coordinator, Kyungsoo. A small smile appeared on his lips upon seeing the other, who he thought was certainly a nice, gentle person.

“Yeah,” Luhan said, before a little frown appeared on his lips, “yeah, he is.”

“You look as if something’s troubling you,” Kyungsoo said, genuinely concerned.

Everything about Kai is troubling me, Luhan wanted to scream, but instead merely shook his head lightly, “No, not at all.”

“I heard you already know Kai, right?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Ah, yes,” Luhan smiled bitterly, “we…” We were lovers. “We were trainees under the same company.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo’s eyes widened slightly in interest, “You were supposed to be an idol yourself then! How come…”

“No special reason,” Luhan said far too quickly, eyes suddenly turning horrifying glassy, “no such reason at all. Hope flies away and passion vanishes way too quickly for me to hold onto this idol dream of mine.” His gaze lingered to Kai, “I’m not like Kai… He was supposed to achieve a kind of perfection I would never be able to reach.”

“Perfection?” Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows at the word, “What makes you think that he would be able to achieve perfection? Nobody can achieve perfection.”

“Jongin-ah, your dancing is the best!”

Luhan said with bright eyes, the compliment making the other blush slightly. The older of the two smiled genuinely as he looked Jongin in the eyes.

“You’ll be the perfect idol, Jongin-ah, the perfect idol.”

Jongin’s eyes blinked for a few times, before a smile appeared on his lips, “I will, for hyung.”

“Kai can never be-” Kyungsoo began, before another voice cut him off.

“The interview is over,” Kai said matter-of-factly, again not even looking at Luhan while he spoke, “so let’s get changed.”

Luhan saw the slight frustration painted on Kyungsoo’s face as he looked at Kai, while Kai looked apathetic as ever. It gnawed at his conscious, made him feel uneasy for no justified reason other than that he wanted to yell, scream out Jongin’s name, not Kai’s, and hope this nightmare would finally turn into a lovely dream again.

“Alright,” Kyungsoo said before throwing a quick glance at Luhan, and Luhan noticed the lack of warmth in it, “let’s go.”

Kai and Kyungsoo walked away without saying anything more, leaving Luhan with no other choice but to trail behind slowly. He watched with pain in his heart as he saw Kyungsoo intertwining his fingers with Kai’s, seeing how there was this slightest bit of a reassuring smile dancing on Kai’s lips as he looked at Kyungsoo, and he saw the visible adoration swimming in Kyungsoo’s eyes. He saw it all, and every single of these were bullets straight through his heart, hitting him ever so brilliantly precise in the core, making him bleed rivers of sorrow.

“I love you.”

And he asked himself again and again, even as he sat down on the ground next to the dressing room, what exactly happened to the Kim Jongin he loved.

-

Luhan stood awkwardly behind Kai, wishing intently that he did not look too hideous with his plain t-shirt and jeans, his worn out backpack showing nothing of the luxury this place screamed. Joonmyun suddenly told him they were going to the opening of some art exhibition of the company Kai was under, and that Luhan should come along. Of course, he did not know this until they were already on their way, so he was the only one who looked like some poor fellow who was lost. Kai, on the other hand, obviously was the star of the evening, with his perfectly styled hair and perfectly chosen outfit that perfectly fit his perfect body and- Kai was simply perfect, the kind of perfection Luhan knew Kim Jongin would be able to achieve as an idol. But there was still something nagging him, something telling him that this was not Kim Jongin, that this kind of perfection made Kai, not Kim Jongin.

Kai did not smile, did not enjoy. Every single action was planned, and maybe it was this so-called perfection that had made Jongin Kai, made Luhan see the inner superstar in Jongin, but lose Jongin at the same time. Jongin was meant to achieve perfection in his life, but he was not supposed to lose himself as he walked this road.

“Kai, your new album is brilliant,” Someone said who Luhan did not know, “I’m pretty sure the company is very delighted to have you as their gem. Their profit is skyrocketing this year.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Kai said humbly, a grin dancing on his lips, “I’m pretty sure I just got lucky with the releasing date of my album. If I were to have waited a few more weeks, I’d surely be pushed to the sidelines while admiring the outstanding performance of EXO-S.”

“A group with five members always has some advantages, but for a solo artist to have such outstanding achievements in such a short time, that’s really impressive.”

Luhan thought about how little he knew of Kai’s life, about how little he knew of this superstar that had been conquering this entertainment industry that was so hard to survive in. And Luhan had not been there for the other while he was having hard times, was there for him when things got too stressful. Luhan was not there for the other when he was still a rookie that nobody knew. He had promised Kai that he would follow his footsteps closely, one day standing on the same podium as him, performing for the same audience and him, yet this was where they stood right now. It crushed Luhan more than it should, but it still mercilessly did over and over again, emphasizing just how cruel life could be.

“Let’s go.”  A voice suddenly said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

His eyes quickly flickered to Kai, who was looking at him intently, “Eh?”

“You’re lack of enthusiasm is painfully obvious, you know?” Kai said matter-of-factly.

Luhan felt a rush of guilt upon realizing that he had not only disgraced the dress code, but also showed a laughable little amount of attention to the exhibition. It was never his trait to be like that, never his intention to make others think he did not care about anything. Because he did care. He cared a lot about it.   

“I- It’s not like that!”

“I don’t care, let’s go,” Kai said while looking away from him, hands buried comfortably in his pockets, “I’m tired.”

Luhan blinked his eyes a couple of times before hurrying following the other, who was already making his way to the elevators. Luhan noticed the slow pace and the slight visible strain in Kai’s walking, causing him to furrow him eyebrows in concern. Kai must be tired from all the standing and walking around and being perfect.

“Are you tired?” Luhan asked with genuine concern.

This caused Kai to look at him surprised, “What?”

“Your walking is slower than usual, and it seems as though you’re really tired.” Luhan replied.

For a moment, there was this flash in Kai’s eyes, something horrifyingly emotional, before it disappeared. Those little emotions that screamed Jongin were always so brief, but Luhan always noticed them. He could not possibly not notice them, honestly.

“Yeah…” Kai said while looking down, his voice suddenly tired and raw, “Yeah, just tired.”

Luhan was about to point out the sudden change in this tone, Kais intonation reduced to a monotone sound, when there was a ding sound and one of the elevator doors opened. Kai stepped inside and Luhan followed, both standing awkwardly next to each other as Kai quickly pressed a button to the parking lot. There was a vague reflection that could be seen on the window, and Luhan used this as the opportunity to look at the other, really looking at the other. It must have been obviously felt by the other, because it did not take more than seconds before Kai looked into the same window and caught Luhan’s stare. He did not look away, did not cut the gaze, and for this Luhan was immensely grateful.

But the stare broke immediately when they felt the elevator shake a little bit too vigorously, and the lights flickering hauntingly fast for both their liking. Luhan watched in horror as the lights turned off, quickly looking over at Kai who did not seem too affected by this all. Soon after that, the elevator came to a stop, but the doors would not open. They were stuck in an elevator, from all the things that could happen. Luhan watched as Kai pressed some buttons, spoke something about people stuck in the elevator, and asking for help. A voice responded quickly that they were working on it already, and that they would have to be patient.

Kai sighed before glancing at Luhan, who seemed a little frightened, “It’s okay. Help is coming.”

“Y-Yeah…” Luhan said, his voice a bit too shaky for his own good, “Yeah…”

He decided to sit down on the ground, hugging his backpack lightly as he looked around. He was not claustrophobic, fortunately, but this still was something he did not like. He did not like the feeling of being locked up in a small elevator, with nowhere to escape. It suffocated him. He was trembling slightly, too caught up in his own fear, when he suddenly felt something brush against him. Luhan looked to his left, surprised to see Kai sitting next to him, a small groan escaping his lips as he tried to get into a good sitting position. Was he really that tired?

“It’s okay,” Kai said while leaning his head back against the cold glass window, “don’t be scared.”

“Hyung, don’t be scared, Jongin is here!”

A nostalgic smile appeared on Luhan’s lips as he looked at Kai, his eyes shining with melancholic gentleness, “I’m not.” Because you’re here.

Kai turned to stare back in his eyes, and for a moment, Luhan had been startled, shocked that Kai really was looking at him, without looking away, without turning his back to him. It meant the world to him, the fact that Kai did not break off their eye contact. It meant terribly much to him.

“I missed you…” Luhan said softly, breaking the silence, “I missed you so much…”

There was the stiffening again, the reluctance in Kai’s eyes, and of course, the heartbreaking looking away. Luhan had expected it already, already prepared himself for the harsh rejection to speak to him, but it still hurt. It still hurt.

“You were supposed to debut as Kim Jongin. What happened to that? You were supposed to debut with your own song, your own perfect style.” Luhan smiled sadly, “You’re the perfect superstar now, yet… Yet you’re not the brilliant superstar you dreamt of becoming.”

Kai was perfect in every single way. If anything, he might have surpassed anything Jongin could ever achieve. But this was not Jongin’s dream. Jongin’s dream was not to become a product, some kind of smoke and mirrors magician that would sell himself for the means of pleasuring others.

“I want to become the greatest performer, the best dancer. I want people to smile while seeing me perform. I want hyung to fall in love with the me who performs on stage.”

 Kim Jongin had a dream. Not to become everyone else’s star, but to become Luhan’s superstar. Jongin had a childish dream to make people happy, and make himself happy at the same time.

“People change…” Kai responded coldly, “Sometimes certain things don’t work out.”

Silence. Cold silence. It was the only thing that seemed to suit right now. Speaking seemed to ruin everything, yet Luhan could not help but feel this urge to talk. To speak up. Next to him sat the boy he had been looking for, been waiting for. Next to him sat the person he loved, adored to the core, so there was no reason for him to stop talking. He had wanted to speak to the other for as long as he could remember. 

“I never thought you would debut as someone else, someone other than Kim Jongin.” Luhan spoke out bitterly, “I never thought you would leave behind the you who started this dream of becoming an idol.”

“Jongin… Jongin’s gone.”

Luhan’s eyes widened in horror, the glass in his hand dropping down, causing a terrifyingly loud high-pitched sound to resonate in the room, “W-What?”

“He was supposed to film his music video in Thailand, but he suddenly disappeared. Nobody can find him anymore.”

“How come you’re back all of a sudden, after being gone for so long…” Tears threatened to fall down again as Luhan spoke, “How come you never came back for me…” Do I mean nothing to you anymore?

“I…” Luhan was choking on his tears that he did not bother stopping form falling, “I was s-so frightened w-when I heard you disappeared… T-They couldn’t find y-you, couldn’t… I thought… I thought you were gone forever.”

Luhan had been so scared when he heard about Jongin, had not known what to do. It sounded so unreal, so stupidly much like a bad dream that would be over as soon as he woke up again, but it was not. It was a bitter reality that Luhan had to accept, and it felt horrible. He felt empty, simply empty.


Luhan was too caught up in his own crying, his own misery, to notice the pain in Kai’s eyes, the hurt, the longing, the guilt. He did not notice the hand that slowly reached out, wanting so much to comfort him, but also the hesitation to really touch the other. Luhan only noticed the courageous touch on his shoulder, the warmth that felt so terribly familiar, making him cry out even louder. It pained Kai’s heart more than it should, and made him do something he should have never done.

He embraced Luhan tightly, burying his own face in the other’s shoulder, letting down his wary guard for just this moment. He was going to regret it, so going to regret this, but if he was not going to hold onto Luhan at this moment, did not show Luhan that he still cared about him at that moment, he would definitely, completely lose the other. And though that was his initial plan, he still could not bear to do so. He still could not bear to let go of Luhan. Maybe Kyungsoo was right. Maybe this was a bad decision to let Luhan by his side for two weeks. Nothing good would come out of it. But yet this felt so amazing, so good, that he did not want to think too much about it.

“Don’t cry, hyung…” Kai said soothingly, “Don’t cry…”

Flashbacks showed in front of his eyes of the times when it was just Luhan and himself, wearing carefree smiles while dreaming about how their lives would one day turn out. It had been a little heaven for the both of them, a kind of little place that truly only belonged to them. This moment felt exactly the same, an exact replica of those moments in the past, and how much Kai missed it. He missed it too much, had longed for Luhan too much.

“Jongin-ah…” Luhan muttered out, almost inaudible, but Jongin could still hear it.

Jongin smiled this time, admitting to himself that he had been waiting for Luhan to speak out his name all this time, “I’m here…”

“Jongin-ah,” Luhan spoke out again, the words laced with more tears and happiness, “Jongin-ah…”

The scent of Luhan reminded Kai of used-to-be’s, of how their lives used to be so promising and beautiful. He had never forgotten his promise with Luhan, never forgotten his initial dream. However, the past was something that he should not think about anymore. Right now, he was Kai. He was the kind of star that screamed perfection, and it was the closest bit to the perfection Luhan saw in Jongin that he could possibly achieve right now. He was imperfect, forever flawed, but if a mask can make him pretend he is, in some way, perfect, then he wants to wear that mask for a lifetime.

“I missed you so much…” Luhan muttered softly.

I know, I know, I know, Kai wanted to say so badly, because he knew so damn well that Luhan had been missing him as much as he missed the other, but their hearts already knew, so words were not needed. All that was needed was Kai holding onto Luhan and never letting go. So that was exactly what he did. Right then, on that moment, they could pretend they were in heaven. On that moment, they wanted to pretend they were back to the times years ago, when Kai was still Jongin.

“I’m sorry, Luhannie hyung…” A tear escaped Kai’s eye, even though he tried his best not to let any tears flow down, “I’m so sorry…”

I’m so sorry for being imperfect. I’m so sorry I can never reach the perfection you wanted me to. I’m so sorry for never being able to be the Jongin you loved again.
 

Part two of this fourshot. Sigh, what is this? The other two chapters coming up soon :) Perfection, perfection~ Who can ever reach perfection?