I stumble through the front door, just barely remembering to kick off my shoes at the entrance.  After Daesung ignored me, I thought I could find the reason why at the bottom of one too many a wine glass.  Need to get to my room, my bed, now.  I barely make it through the door when I’m pushed up against the wall.  It’s not enough to hurt, but I can’t see anything and have no idea who is attacking me.  If I had proper control of my limbs, I could maybe push back, but I’m too slow to react.  I feel hands on each of my shoulders, holding me to the wall.

“Having fun at the club until now Hyung or are you coming from somewhere else?”

Daesungie?  I don’t even remember when he left the club.  He left before me?  And he was here, waiting for me in my room?  And what’s this about somewhere else?

He shoves me away from the door, further into the room.  Even through my haze, I can see that I’m not the only one to have had too much to drink tonight.  Daesung looks messy, and my Daesung never looks messy.  His shirt is only half tucked, one pant leg is riding above his boots and his hair is sticking up like… well, like I’ve been grabbing it, to be honest.

“I asked you where you’re coming from,” he growls as I’m pushed toward the bed.

“The club, the club!  The driver brought me from the club.  What are you doing?”

He softly knocks me onto the bed, and I almost smile.  Even with whatever is going on, Daesung is still my Daesung, the gentle person who would never knowingly hurt anyone.  He leans over me, his face right in mine.

“You must think I’m such an idiot, right Hyung?  Simple, country Daesung, I’m going to have some fun with him…. for now,” he whispers, and I hear his voice catch on those last words.  That little hitch is enough to clear my head of its daze, I’m all attention now.  What is wrong with him?

“No, what? No.  What are you even talking about?”

“You didn’t even have to try, did you?  You must have learned it from somewhere, because it wasn’t the first time.  Maybe from watching someone do it to you… and then you definitely had the chance to perfect your skill at it…”

I didn’t realize it, but I had been backing up from him and was almost at the headboard.  He was still on all fours above me, but the look of anger, fear and sadness on his face has booted any naughty thoughts that had flitted in my mind.

“I mean, you’re TOP.  Look at you, you can have anyone you want.  And, clearly, you have.  Charismatic, experienced Seunghyun.  With me?  The boy who has had one relationship, with a girl when we were teenagers.  I must have been crazy to think that you could be with me,” he blurts out.  Like a balloon deflating, he now seems to be empty, sitting back with his legs beneath him.

“What?  No.  Anyone I want?  And, what do you mean by ‘clearly I have’?”  We’d only been official for a short time, but I had no clue where this was coming from.  What did he think I had done – and when – that he was saying these things?

“Hyung, it’s okay.  You don’t have to pretend to be innocent with me, I know you’ve been with more people than I have.  I know I’ve got a lot to learn, and I’m sure it’s fun to be with someone like me for a little while.  But you’ll get bored, I know, it’s okay, I know,” he says, not even looking at me.

I am completely floored, my chin is probably ten inches from my nose right now.  I sit upright and force him to face me.

“First, what are you talking about?  What is this about me being with so many people?  And what have I perfected?  Tell me.”

He stays silent and I rack my brain to think of what he’s thinking about.

“I was just kidding around with the coordi noona, she sneaks me chocolate during the show if I’m nice to her.”

“That lady put her arm around me first, Daesungie, I didn’t even realize that I was hugging her shoulder until after the picture was over.”

“Does this have anything to do with my trying to take off your shirt today?  I mean, it’s just a joke cuz the fans-“

“What? No, that’s nothing new.  You do that at half the shows,” he replies suddenly.  I smile, because I got him.  I look at him expectantly, urging him to continue.  He takes a deep breath and his voice is just above a whisper when he finally speaks.

“My button.  On my shirt.  You barely even touched it and it just flew off.  Even with your bandaged hand.  Like you’ve done that a thousand times.  To someone else.  To some other man’s shirt.”

Oh.  Wow.

“I didn’t mean to do it like that.  It was an accident, it just happened,” I say, as I grab the hands in his lap.

“But you just touched it once and it popped off.  Like someone taught you how to do that.”

“Daesungie, look at me.  It really was an accident.  I mean, I meant to try to take your shirt off, so I wanted to get the button undone, but maybe because of the bandage on my hand?  Maybe I used too much force?” I really needed him to understand this fact first.

He dips his head, but I know he is far from convinced.

“No one taught me anything.  And, speaking of… everything else you said.  About me being experienced.  Explain.”

“I just.  Hyung.  I just thought, the way you did that, it reminded me that you’ve been with more people than I have.  I’m not going to be able to keep you interested.  It might be exciting now, but sooner or later, it won’t be interesting anymore.  It’ll be boring… I’ll be boring.  And I have to deal with that.  It’s not your fault, I’m just weirdly inexperienced.”

“Daesungie, you need to stop right there.  I don’t know how you’ve talked yourself into this, but this isn’t an issue between us.  Yes, I’ve been with more people than you have, but it’s not like I’ve been with a lot.  If you’re curious, maybe like three girls before our debut and a handful of hookups with guys since then.  I am not the player that Jiyong is, and you know that.  So stop even thinking one bit about anything.”

He doesn’t say anything, but I feel like he heard me because he squeezes my hands and nods slightly.  We have more to talk about, but the reality is that the wine in which I had drown my confused sorrows earlier is making a comeback.  We’ll need to continue this conversation tomorrow, but hopefully, right now, we can take advantage of already being in the same bed, and just lie down.

I don’t even have the energy to say another word, so I move us both to the head of the bed and under the covers.  I sling one leg over his waist, so I can feel him trying to toe off his boots, but I just grab on tighter to keep him from moving anymore.  He stills, and I can hold my eyes open long enough to whisper good night.

…