"Even if it means I gotta let you go."

 

 

He held his head in his hands, shaking it, staring down at the floor, his gaze about to burn a hole in it.

 

How could he say that? What was he thinking? He didn't want to let you go! He never did!

 

His long fingers dug into his scalp, almost pulling at the red hair there. He scrunched his face, trying not to let the tears run down his face.

 

How was he so stupid? 

 

His heart was breaking in pieces and shattering to the floor to be swallowed up by the pain in his head. 

 

 

"With or without me, you should be happy."

 

 

How he wished he could take words back, shove them back in his mouth and hide them, lock them inside himself. 

 

He was too busy, he was too popular, he was too much of a workaholic... 

 

He'd trade it all if he could just see you smile at him again, and not have to worry about the shadows behind your eyes. 

 

He'd give back the train rides to his career, he'd give back the tour dates, the traveling. Before he met you, it was all he thought he wanted.

 

Yet now that he had it, why couldn't he see straight? Why could he breathe without you sitting by him on this couch?

 

 

"Maybe you'll find what you really want."

 

 

A whimpered sound broke its way through his lips, bouncing his left foot on the carpeted floor. He should have never opened his mouth; what if you didn't come back to him? What if you thought it over, like he told you that you could...

 

What if you decided it wasn't worth it? That he wasn't worth it?

 

He would never be the same. Forget the people that say this was his first love, that he'd get over it... 

 

They had no idea what was in his heart. 

 

He'd already found the one for him.

 

 

"But don't let me be the last to know."

 

 

He wanted to be the last to know now. He wanted to never know, to not think about it, to never hear it. 

 

His basketball cap tipped off his head and he stared at it dully, the plush white of the carpet trying to swallow the red. 

 

It was unnerving to watch. 

 

He closed his brown eyes tightly, trying not to think about it, but his mind wouldn't think about anything else. What was wrong with him?

 

 

"It's all I ever wanted."

 

 

He was a liar. 

 

He wanted so much more. 

 

Choi Jun Hong stood up to his impressive full height, but he felt so small right now. 

 

He felt so young, so unfinished. The walk to the hotel's plate window was a short one, the curtains pulled wide to show the sky. 

 

Or what you would see of it if the rain would only stop tapping furiously at it. He hated how much it matched him. He didn't want to be a stupid romance book or some clichéd live action. The lighting was streaking across the sky, the thunder so boomingly loud it hurt his ears. 

 

"Maybe I'll move on..." he whispered, something he told his hyungs...barely hearing himself. 

 

Only, pulling out his phone, his background reminded him that he was still very much in love, the picture of your smiling face haunting him. 

 

"Or maybe I'll just stay..." he whispered to it...

 

Closing it with a snap, he laid his head against the window, biting his lip hard. Why couldn't he decide? It had been four days since he heard from you. It seemed like you made your mind up, so why couldn't he break off this piece of his soul?

 

If this was what love was like, why did people fall for it?!

 

His hand went in the pockets of his blue basketball shorts, the sleeveless white t-shirt providing no warmth. His Hyungs had complained of the heat outside, turning the air conditioner way down before all leaving to go to dinner. 

 

They had tried to make him go, but he was too sad to fake the smile for the fans. They had patted him on his back, Jongup pulling him in for a hug, and he had felt loved for just a moment. Even if it wasn't the kind he wanted.

 

He was too preoccupied now to change the temperature, the task seeming redundant. The heat had broken with the sudden thunderstorm; the rain was probably soothing on someone's skin. He looked down at the tiny looking headlights from the road, a burst of worry shooting through him.

 

The protective side off him hoped his elders would get through the storm all right. He wanted them to come here soon. 

 

The heartbreak was always better when they distracted him...

 

A knock on the hotel door startled him and he jumped, bonking his head on the window. Wincing he rubbed at the spot, glaring at the offending object, raising his eyebrow at the intrusion. 

 

The sound came again, a bit louder this time, and he turned from the window. Hopefully it wasn't another fan that had snuck into the hotel. He wasn't very good at dealing with them alone. 

 

Stepping delicately over the clothes thrown around, he could help the small smile that crossed his face. Youngguk-Hyung would be furious when he came back. He would make Himchan-hyung pick every piece up, hiding his own smile for the pursed lips of their group diva. 

 

When he reached the door the smile fell off his face, and he opened the door, trying to prepare himself for what was behind it.

 

...He wasn't when he saw you there.

 

You...you looked gorgeous. 

 

He swallowed hard, unable to wrap his mind around it. Only four days he hadn't seen you and it was like lifetime. You were a dream, a fairytale to him. How could he let you go if this was the speech he was going to hear?

 

He stared at you for a moment. You weren't moving either and he was afraid you might run away. Your hands were twisting in front of you and he let his eyes drop to watch them. He knew he would have to speak first, but he didn't want to start his spiral. 

 

"I’ll understand you. Just give me the chance to." It popped out of his mouth before he could stop it, and he almost slapped himself. What if it was the wrong thing to say?

 

You launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his waist, and he gasped, his hands coming up to return the hug. You buried your head in his chest, your hair tickling him, your warmth chasing the cold away.

 

"Choi-yah..." you whispered, "I'll never find someone like you... I don't know what I was thinking...All I wanted was right in front of me." The huge weight that had been bearing down on him lifted so suddenly he was breathless. 

 

He smiled, his arms wrapping even tighter around you, folding himself almost over you. He felt so free, he didn't know if his feet were still attached to the floor. 

 

Then he noticed something.

 

You were wet.

 

Really wet.

 

"Yah! Why are you so wet?" His voice must have been so astonished, because you laughed, tipped your head back and smiled at him. 

"Well, it is raining..." The cute look on your still-dripping face had him laughing too, and he slowly let you go. 

 

"Go to the bathroom, I'll get some clothes for you." 

 

You nodded, happily skipping off to the bathroom.

 

He smiled after you, shaking his head as the door to the bathroom closed and the light flickered on.

 

He didn't really care, he didn't need any more explanation; he was just happy you were going to be with him.

 

He walked over to his suitcase, the only one his favorite color in the room, and grabbed the smallest, softest shirt he could find. It would still swim on you, and so would his only pair of black basketball shorts.

 

But it would look so cute...

 

"I'm leaving the clothes by the door." He half-shouted through the door, laughing at your mumbled response. You must be pulling your shirt up, a thought that caused a blush to his cheeks. 

 

He turned his back to the door, just as it opened a crack, your arm reaching around to find them.  

 

He turned the light on dim, trying, and failing to hold back a yawn. It was getting late, he hadn't slept well lately. Pulling the covers back from his bed he lay under them, throwing an arm over his eyes. 

 

 

He must have fallen asleep, for the next thing he knew, you were lifting the corner of the blanket, sliding in next to him.

 

"Do you mind?" you whispered, looking at him with a blush on your face, returning his smile when he gave it.

 

"Not at all...if you want to stay here forever you can."

 

Your smile turned so sweet he felt his heart skip, pushing an arm under you, he cuddled you to his chest. His chin went gently on your head, inhaling the sweet smell of your hair as he drifted off.

 

 

And maybe you’ll find what you really wanted

 

Cause what you left behind and all your dreams are haunted...

 

             

                        *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

 

 

Later that night his Hyungs walked in the room, trying to be quiet, for they hoped he was sleeping tightly in his bed. They knew he was having a hard time, and hoped those knuckle heads would figure it out soon. What greeted them made them smile; their maknae was nestled in his covers, his arms wrapped tightly around his love, a peaceful smile on his face. YoungGuk pulled the covers higher over the two, mentally promising to make Himchannie clean the room tomorrow.