Donghae doesn’t like to cry. He always try his best not to. Crying takes energy he doesn’t have, it leaves him feeling empty inside. Crying always brings back painful memories. They push into his mind threatening to take over. All it takes is that one tear.

He doesn’t like crying, he will rather suppress the feelings even though he knows they keep on piling up just waiting for the next tear to fall.

Donghae is good at suppressing, pretending, conveniently forgetting. He smiles a lot.
Not many people know the real him, the sad him, the broken him. If he told them what would they think? Donghae is a positive person they say. Yes he has had a lot of sadness in his past but now he is a joyful person.

He’s not really though.

He doesn’t like crying, but sometimes, when the pain and exhaustion gets to great, he just wants to break down. But he won’t, because he’s afraid that ones he starts he won’t be able to stop. He’s afraid he will lose himself completely. He’s afraid he will let the real him out.

But this very minute, he can feel it building up in his throat. He is trying not to think about it. Sitting in the waiting room, outside the studio where he just made an appearance on a talk show, he can feel it rising in his throat, making it impossible to utter any sound except the small whimper that leaves his lips. The day hasn’t been any different from other days. But somehow, for some god damn reason today has just been too emotional for his mind to handle. He can feel himself ripping apart at the seams, his body shivering from the intensity of it all.
He is waiting for his manager to take him home. He needs to be taken home now. He needs to let it all go now. But people are around and his smile is frozen on his lips.

He is frantically searching through his pockets only to realize that the headphones he is looking for are left home, in his room. Not even music can soothe him. He wants to call someone even though he knows his voice wont work and he scrolls through the contacts on his phone only to hover over his dad’s number. He doesn’t realize his mistake until it’s too late, and he freezes, afraid that the slightest movement will cause the tears in his eyes to fall and ruin him. He blinks them away, pretends to chase sleepiness away from his face, and hides his real self in his hands.

What he really needs right now is someone to hold him. He feels it in his entire being, and he craves it so badly, but he knows he is at the edge of his sanity and any form of contact will push him off. He will cry, once he gets home, he will shower and cry. But just a little. He will push it back down. He will bury it.

Manager is taking such a long time. He tried to distract himself with a game on his phone. It works, until his phone blinks and a familiar face appears.
Hyukjae is calling him.

He can’t pick up.

He won’t pick up.

He can’t hide it from Hyukjae.
He lets it ring, covering the device with his hands to keep the sound down. He won’t see Hyukjae tonight, the other has a schedule. Donghae will be safe once he gets home. He will text the man later.

Hyukjae calls two more times before manager arrives to lead Donghae to the car.

Donghae sits in the back. Normally he would sit in the front and talk but he can’t. He’s not ok, he’s too tired to pretend to be ok. He’s just too tired.

The closer to home he gets the more the tears gather. Stopping them seems futile. It’s as if they know they are close to the haven that is his room. He just needs to hold them in for a little bit longer. Every step from the elevator towards the door makes it more difficult. Unlocking the door almost makes his heart leap out from his chest. He’s silently praying that nobody is home.

The door is closed, manager has said his goodbyes, and the dorm is dark and empty apart from Kangin sleeping on the couch. He’s almost there. He is overwhelmed by the feelings, his breath is coming in short pants, his frame rigid from the tension. He stumbles through his door, shoves it closed and locks it behind him. He is at the breaking point and he can’t keep it inside anymore. He turns around to find a pillow to lessen his sobs that he knows are coming.

He stops when he sees Hyukjae sitting on his bed, book on his lap and his phone in his hands.

Hyukjae calmly puts the phone on the bedside table, closes his book and puts it on the floor. He walks over to the man standing by the door. He takes Donghaes jacket off and Donghaes tears fall. He leads the other to the bed and places him on the mattress. He turns around and Donghae feels the panic rise, thinking that he will be left alone. But Hyukjae starts the stereo, low enough not to disturb the other, high enough to drown out Donghae’s pain. He lays down beside his best friend and not one second passes before he has gathered Donghae in his arms, fitting them so perfectly around the others torso. Donghae knows that no matter how much he doesn’t want to, he will fall apart tonight.
Because sometimes, some nights, it just takes over. Sometimes Hyukjae gets to see the real Donghae. Sometimes he just really needs someone to hold him while he breaks, sometimes he needs Hyukjae to put him back together.