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Some believed that the fiery depths of hell was below us, eternally torturing those who had gone against god’s indisputable word and that heaven was the reward for those who had lived their lives correctly, not straying from a path that had been carved for them. Every single time that this belief happened to be said in my presence, I have to try to contain a scoff. Hell isn’t just underneath our every step; it’s suffocating me daily, digging its unrelenting claws into the shredded remains that are my life. Tilting back, yet another, alcoholic beverage that I was no stranger to, I clenched my eyes shut and focused on the searing liquid as it made its way down my throat. Slamming the bottle back down onto the grimy bar in front of me, I let out an anguished sigh. Not even the alcohol was enough to lure me out of my depressing thoughts. It was as though a thick fog had rolled through, blanketing its self on my very existence.

Even if anyone bothered to ask, I couldn’t tell them what exactly it was that threw my life into that of loneliness and despair. Maybe It was the beatings I received from my father after he too, drank the night away. Maybe it was the constant taunts directed my way whilst I was at high school. Or maybe it was seeing the only girl that I had ever loved, murdered before my very eyes, as I stood there, helpless. I could still picture the glistening blood, as it slowly ran down her pale flesh, only to be absorbed into her beautiful clothing.

Every night, the face of the murderer reflected itself in my brain, smirking, almost as if to say, you’re a failure. I killed Aera and you did nothing. Then he would slowly disintegrate and the only remaining thing that I could see, in an array of darkness was the short blunt knife as he drew it along the length of her skin.

Picking at some dried mud on my soiled jacket, I let out a deep sigh, before signalling to the bartender.

“Give me another; something stronger this time. Preferably something that will make me forget myself, just like everyone else already has.”

Looking me up and down, the bar tender seemed slightly stunned at my words. He must be new. Everyone else just acted as though I was a shadow in the background, occasionally shifting. The only time that my existence was ever acknowledged was when I ordered yet another round, and even then, no one dared look me in the eye.

“I don’t think that’s too good for your health. I don’t want no ambulance coming in here and taking away your cold corpse.”

Throwing a faded white tea towel over his shoulder, the bar tender rested his elbows on the hard wood of the bar, directly across from me. The staleness of his breath caused my stomach to churn. Had he never heard of a thing called a toothbrush? I ran my tongue along my teeth before responding.

“Can you just shut up and get me another drink.”

A wave of shock and then anger rolled through the man’s face as he took in what I had said. 

“Look, whatever your name is; I think that you should leave. I don’t tolerate being spoken to in such a rude manner. I don’t care if you are intoxicated, I will always be addressed with a manner of respect. Get out before I throw you out.”

Rolling my eyes, I slid my slender frame out of the lumpy stool, making sure to take my time. I suppose I will just have to choose a different way to drown my woes tonight. Flicking my hair out of my eyes, I contemplated starting a fight with the bar tender. Maybe if I provoked him far enough, his self-control would snap and he would start throwing punches. I could already feel the crack of my bones as his hands came into contact with skin; I could already hear the thud that would resinate all throughout the bar as I hit the floor.  Shaking my head, I decided against it. I didn’t really want to ruin anyone else’s night. Even if I had to have a terrible one, at least others could bathe in the magnificence of their peaceful lives.

Listening to the soft tap of my footsteps, I paused moments before pushing open the door to the outside world. Looking back, I connected my gaze with that of the bar tenders before whispering,

“My name is Tao, not that you probably care.”

As I swept into the cold streets of the city, I watched as, almost immediately, a flurry of goose bumps formed on the surface of my arms. Drawing my jacket tighter around me, I tried, unsuccessfully to feign away the chilling night air. I suppose that’s impossible when it’s coursing through your very soul. Adverting my eyes towards the cracked concrete path, I began walking forwards, attempting to locate a dark, well hidden corner.

With my eyes flickering from side to side almost frantically, I couldn’t begin to imagine how psychotic I must look in this moment. Rushing forward, almost triumphantly, I blended into a small crevice, making sure to conceal myself from any pedestrians that may pass by. Kicking aside a scrawny rat, I crouched down, resting on the balls of my feet. Sliding my hand into my pocket, I drew out a small, already stained blade. Inching up the thin material of my sleeves, I looked down upon the raw scars displayed upon myself. Flashes of Aera’s screams began to play out in my thoughts, not relenting until my hands begin to shake uncontrollably. With the moonlight reflecting on the silver of the blade, I, with a fountain of tears caressing my cheeks, forced upon myself the same kind of pain that Aera felt resulting in her demise. Choking, sobs wracked through my whole body as I watched droplets of blood fall beside my feet. I really was living in a cruel, demanding hell and I didn’t know how much longer I could last.