It’s been about four-no five months in college. Daehyun was dating all four guys at the same time. More like forced to due to the fact that Yong Guk threatened to kick Daehyun out if he didn’t satisfied all of them. Kiseop was a model and Jaehyo still wanted to die. Not as much but he would never admit that. Jaehyo had a panic attack once a week though, which scared Kiseop a lot. Sometimes he would come back and find Jaehyo curled into a ball with a knife and blood on his wrist. He would then clean Jaehyo and whisper things that he knew would somehow comfort Jaehyo’s heart but never his mind.

            The reason this was happening was because of Zico. Everyone knew and no one blamed Zico. It wasn’t Zico’s fault really. But he hadn’t contact Jaehyo for 3 months. Jaehyo began to think Zico didn’t want…no, didn’t need him after the first week. Zico hadn’t been contacting anyone. They’ve tried contacting Kyung but nothing there either. Kyung was an orphan so it was as if those two disappeared from the world.

            With Mr. and Mrs. Lee, they decided to go on a world tour and go everywhere they could as they lived. Of course, knowing Jaehyo’s condition, they emailed, called and even webcam him every week. Jaehyo felt a bit happy knowing that they cared but sometimes he would think it was a burden to them. He told them once and they said they loved doing this. This comforted Jaehyo’s heart a little. But with Zico still missing, his heart clenched at the thought. It was until one night, Jaehyo was alone at home. Kiseop had to go to Busan for a modeling job and Daehyun tagged along due to the fact it was in Busan. His four boyfriends tagged along and Yong Guk went along too.

            Jaehyo decided he would stay home and that caused Daehyun and Kiseop to panic. He somehow was able to persuade them to let him be home alone and promised to call every hour. ‘The phone bill were going to be high this month.’ Jaehyo thought, ending another phone call. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Jaehyo got up and opened the door. If it was a murderer, Jaehyo would have gladly let him him. But no. It was Zico and that surprised Jaehyo.

            They stared at each other for a while. Jaehyo broke the silence. “Zico?” he practically whispered. Zico then collapsed into his hyung’s arms, sobbing apologies and such. Jaehyo pulled him towards the couch, kicking the front door closed. He comforted Zico, who was sobbing hard with words that Zico use to use when Jaehyo had a panic attack. Soon Zico’s sobs turned into sniffles. “God, this should not be how you see me after three months.” Zico laughed. ‘So he’s been counting too.’ Jaehyo thought pouring a cup of tea. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I disappeared on you guys all of a sudden.” Zico said, sniffling. Jaehyo shook his head and gave him the cup of tea. “It’s alright. I’m sure you had a good reason.” Jaehyo patted his head.  “Where’s Kyung?”

            Zico’s body shuddered when Jaehyo said Kyung’s name. “Is everything alright with him?” Jaehyo asked. “Kyung-he-nngh. I ate him.” Zico blurted out. Jaehyo blinked. “What?” “I ate Kyung. Three months ago, he wanted to break up with me. He said he was tired of me and my wild ways. I didn’t want to break up with him. I loved him too much. So I shoved him into the car and drove around. Somehow we wounded up in an empty high way. We were still shouting at each other. I don’t know how but then I killed him. I think I used a knife. I stabbed him repeatedly, saying he couldn’t leave me. He couldn’t. After I was done stabbing, he was dead. I start crying and realized I would go to jail. But I didn’t want to go to jail. I just couldn’t. Staring at Kyung, I realized I couldn’t be without him either. I was going to kill myself but then I thought of you. If I killed myself, you would probably end up dying too. Somehow in my twisted mind, I realized if I ate Kyung, I would be with him forever. His flesh and blood in me. So I ate him.” Zico said, all in one breath.

            The two boys stared at each other in silence for a while. Zico was the first one to break it. “Look, if you think its sick, I’m fine with it. I know its sick. But I swear to God, I will never, ever eat you.” Zico pleaded. “Please, just…be here for me?” Jaehyo stared at Zico. He knew what Zico did to Kyung was wrong. Terribly wrong. Heart breaks come and go. But if Zico was willing to eat Kyung because of his love for Kyung…Jaehyo sighed.

            “Well…” Zico looked at him with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I’ve always wanted to meet a cannibal.” Jaehyo cracked a smile. (A small one but still a smile.) Zico threw his arms around Jaehyo. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Jaehyo awkwardly patted Zico’s back and pushed him away. For a second, Zico had a hurt face until Jaehyo pointed towards the bathroom. “Bath now.” Zico nodded like a puppy and ran into the bathroom. Jaehyo clutched his hair and sighed. Why did Zico have to be his weakness?

            Jaehyo left clothing outside the bathroom door and walked into his room. He was tired and still trying to get into his mind that Kyung had been eaten. It’s your fault. If you had spoken about the tension in the car before, Kyung would still be alive. Not dead in Zico’s stomach. It’s all your fault. “ITS NOT. ITS NOT MY FAULT!” Jaehyo screamed at his mind. His mind just laughed and kept saying how he should die. Before Jaehyo knew it, he had a knife in his hand, sobbing and stabbing his arm repeatedly. “It’s not my fault.” He chant with tears coming down his cheek. Oh it is. Kyung blames you too. If it wasn’t for you, Zico would be with him in heaven. You stopped the two lovers from being in heaven together. Jaehyo whimpered. Was it true? Did Kyung really blame him? He sobbed harder, stabbing his arm twice as fast. “Hyung? Whats- oh my god. HYUNG!” Jaehyo felt Zico’s warm hands over his. Zico’s much alive hands. The hands that should not be here. The hands that should be with Kyung right now.

            Jaehyo sobbed harder, trying to stab more. “Hyung, hyung, HYUNG! Snap out of it!” Zico screamed desperately. Why was his hyung like this?  “I’m sorry, Kyung. I’m sorry I took Zico away. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Jaehyo sobbed, trying to resist Zico’s hands. But Zico was much stronger than him. He threw the knife across the room. The knife clattered on the floor, blood splattering everywhere. Zico pulled his hyung towards the kitchen sink, saying soothing words as he did. “Hyung, it’s going to be alright. Don’t cry anymore. Everything is going to be fine.” Zico whispered. Jaehyo sobbed. Zico is doing this only because he pities you. He doesn’t need you. Kyung needs him. But now Kyung is going to be all alone in heaven. And it’s all your fault. It’s not my fault! Jaehyo screamed, feeling exhausted. He didn’t want to battle anymore. “Hyung? Why are you losing color? Hyung? STAY WITH ME HYUNG! HYUNG!”  That was the last thing Jaehyo heard before blacking out.

            “Where am I?” Jaehyo said. Everywhere he turned, it was darkness.  ‘You are inside your mind.’ He turned and saw Kyung. “Kyung? I’m so sorry Kyung! I didn’t mean to take Zico away from you!” he sobbed. “Don’t cry hyung. I don’t blame you. I blame myself for not loving Zico enough. That’s why I died.” Kyung brushed away Jaehyo’s tears. “Hyung, you must wake up. There are so many people worried about you! So wake up!” Jaehyo stared at Kyung. “No one is worried about me. Its pity.”

            Kyung groaned. Why did Jaehyo have to be so stubborn and think he was not needed in this world. “Hyung, you have to live! If you die, who will be Kiseop’s roommate? Who will Daehyun go to for advice? Why, who is going to support Zico from now on?” Kyung reasoned with Jaehyo. Jaehyo shook his head. “They don’t need me. They don’t at all.” Kyung took a deep breath. “Hyung, you will live and I will make sure of that. I will never talk to you AGAIN if you die right this moment in front of me!” Jaehyo looked at him blankly. “Why Kyung? Why are you so desperate for me to live? I get it. You don’t want me to be with you in afterlife…” Kyung was about to scream in frustration. “THE REASON WHY  I DON’T WAN T YOU TO DIE IS BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS. I BROKE UP WITH ZICO BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE AND BE LOVE BY YOU. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!” Kyung screamed and pushed Jaehyo into the bright light. “I LOV E YOU, YOU DEPRESSED BASTARD!” Kyung screamed, smiling through his tears.

            Jaehyo woke up with a start. “Hyung!” Zico hugged him. Jaehyo blinked. “Zico…? Where am I?” Jaehyo blankly asked. “Hospital, you idiot! I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone! Why did you persuade me to leave you alone?” Daehyun sobbed, clutching Jaehyo’s hand. Don’t ever do that again!” Jaehyo looked at him, surprise flickering through his eyes. “D-Daehyun? Kiseop? Yong Guk? Pizza Stalkers? I thought you guys were in Busan!” “Well, you thought wrong. Zico called us and we rushed back here as soon as possible. You idiot. You almost killed yourself.” Kiseop scolded but his eyes showed something else entirely. His eyes showed fear, fear of losing Jaehyo to death. “Kill myself?” Jaehyo took a sharp breath. He had almost killed himself. He almost achieved his goal.

            “I’m not going to tell Dad and Mom about this. I don’t want them to panic. But what I’m going to do is move in with you and Kiseop.” Yong Guk glared. “I don’t want you to do anymore stupid things.” Yong Guk felt as if his heart had died and came back to life within seconds. No way was he going to let Jaehyo do that to him again. “And Zico, you are going to move in with Daehyun. I don’t want my only brother disappearing either.” Zico could only mutter an apology, staring at the floor.

            The tension in the room was strong and scary. Yong Guk was angry, Kiseop was scared, Daehyun was upset and Zico was just plain tired. Youngjae, Himchan, Zelo and Jongup excused themselves to get drinks for everyone. “Jaehyo…” Daehyun broke the tension. “I’m begging you, don’t try to kill yourself anymore. I’ve been there to stop you many times, but what if one day I wasn’t? What if you actually died one day?”  Jaehyo bit his lip. He knew he shouldn’t die. But what was life without his loving family. He wanted to be with his family.

            “I’m sorry. I’ll do my best to live from now on.” He lied through his teeth. Kiseop and Yong Guk let out a sigh of relief. Daehyun smiled and held onto Jaehyo’s hand tighter. But Zico saw right through the lie. He was going to have to keep a closer look on Jaehyo from now on. He couldn’t let his hyung die in front of him just like Kyung did.

            After a few days, Jaehyo was moved back to the dorm with a special guest watching him at all times. He protested but the guest didn’t mind watching him one bit. “Take care of Jaehyo okay?” Kiseop ruffled his brother’s head. “Yes hyung!” Gongchan saluted. Gongchan was only seven but he had a break from school. “Why in the world would you ask Gongchan to take care of me?” Jaehyo protested for the billionth time. “I don’t think you would want to have Gongchan watching you die. Plus he stops you from having panic attacks!” Yong Guk waved, walking out the door with Kiseop behind him. Gongchan waved good bye and locked the door. He turned with eyes sparkling. “Let’s have some fun hyung!”

            After 8 hours, Kiseop and Yong Guk finally returned to the dorm to find it sparkling clean and Jaehyo sitting at the television eating popcorn. “Jaehyo, what happened?” Kiseop said, sniffing the air. “Gongchan would be a good housewife when he grows up.” Jaehyo said, not tearing his eyes from the television. “Gongchan?” Kiseop yelled and Gongchan came running from the kitchen, dressed as mother. “Welcome home hyungs!” he said, taking off their jackets and placing them into the coat closet. “Dinner will be served soon. Please just enjoy the television for now! I’ll serve you guys some tea!” Gongchan smiled, bringing tea out within seconds. “Don’t worry about Jaehyo hyung. He didn’t have any panic attacks. Why, I even made him take a miniature walk. Of course I was with him the whole entire time. You guys spoil him too much! He almost cried when I didn’t give him ice cream. Ice cream is not healthy for you hyung! And your rooms are disasters! You guys are lucky I am here now!” Gongchan didn’t stop blabbering as he cooked dinner.

            Yong Guk stared at Kiseop. Kiseop shrugged. “He picked up some of my mom’s habits I guess. I always just went with the flow.” Kiseop kicked up his legs and stole some popcorn from the bowl. Yong Guk blinked. “Your brother did house chores and is cooking us dinner.” Kiseop sprang up. “About the dinner part...invite as many people possible. Gongchan likes to cook a lot and ends up cooking at least 4 times more than he should.”

            “You know, when did we start calling Gongchan, Gongchan?” Jaehyo asked, eyes still glued to the scene. “Ever since that boy next door called him that. It stuck since the boy next door demanded us to call him that.” Kiseop said, stealing more popcorn. “Hyung…” Gongchan’s voice whimpered from the kitchen. “Yeah?” Kiseop looked at his brother. “I may have cooked too much again…” Gongchan murmured, twisting a cloth in his hand. “How much?” “Enough for about 15 people?” “Oh my god.” Yong Guk’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fainted.

Yaaaaay! Gongchan is back in the story. –cheers- Thank you to those who subscribed so far. The next chapter will be the last chapter where Jaehyo smiles. From then on, it will be downfall into angst, angst and angst. So until then…ppyong~