So I was in love with Lee Taemin. Big deal.

Or, at least I thought I was. After all, I don't really know what it's like to be in love. I can only hope that what I felt towards Taemin was at least similar to love. I have nothing to compare it to anyway. I can't exactly pinpoint the moment I fell for him, though. Maybe it was during the times we hit out in the library, talking about everything and nothing at once? Or, maybe it was the very moment I first met him. I didn't know. I didn't care. All I know is that it happened.

So, you're all probably wondering right now that if I was so in love with Taemin, then why the hell did I have with Kai? Well....the answer to that is....a little more complicated..

Girls my age would always care about the tiniest details, especially about their first time. They would want the perfect man --- preferably a Won Bin look-alike --- in the perfect setting, with the perfect bed, completely lit with candles along with the music crooning in the background. They would want their first time to be special, where as I could care less.

Okay, that's a tiny little lie. I did care --- sort of.

Losing your ity wasn't a momentous, once-in-a-life-time thing for me, really. It was just something you would do and then get over with. Kind of like your first day in school, actually. Let's face it though --- that comparison I just made really .

I have always accepted that I might never get to experience something like that, what with my social skills and lack of friends. However, right at that moment, with all the music, the lights, the heat, the emotions....it was just so hard to not get carried away. Also, Kai seemed to know what he was doing, so it wasn't that horrible.

Lie. It wasn't horrible at all. To be exact, it was mind-blowingly electrifying.

I have told you all about what happened during --- well, the very vague details --- but I have never told you about what had happened afterwards. I guess that it's important for you all to know about it.

Kai and I were both lying on our backs, side by side, our heavy breathing and thundering hearts were the only thing that could be heard in the dark room. The music had already died down a while ago. I had no idea what happened, but that definitely wasn't at the forefront of my mind in the heat of the moment, as you could imagine.

Cautiously, I turned my head to meet his stare. Even though it was dark, my eyes had adjusted enough to be able to make out his face. Kai was staring right at me, as if he couldn't really believe what had just happened between us. I was pretty sure that the same expression was written on my face, too.

"Hi," I simply whispered

"Hi," he whispered back.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, I awkwardly broke the silence. "Errrmmm....so....what the hell....just happened....?"

"I don't know," he said as his eyes turned apologetic. "I'm sorry for that. I didn't really mean to...."

I frowned at his words and sat up, dragging the covers up with me. "Of course you didn't." I answered a little bitterly. After finally gathering my thought process again, I was disgusted, at myself. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I mean, I just had with Kim Jongin. What the had I been thinking? Damn, I was about to slide out of the covers and gather my clothes, but his hand followed my forearm. I quickly froze at his actions.

"No, no, that's not what I meant! I mean....what we did was just....." he trailed off.

"I know." I said.

"I meant that...I'm sorry for how I acted. I was upset, and I just saw you at the front door and....well...." he trailed off, again

"Upset?" I blurted out.

"Yeah..." he said, blowing out a breath as he ran both of his hands through his dark copper hair. It was then that I realized that his usual, arrogant, cash-rules-everything-around-me mask wasn't up. In fact, it felt like I was talking to an actual human being. So, I stayed where I was, both wary but at the same time, intrigued.

He looked back at me. "My father....he did something....something bad...."

"Hey, come to think of it, if you managed throwing a massive party at your house, where are your parents?"

"Japan." he simply said, his gaze was at the ceiling as his jaw tightened. "They're at Tokyo in some international meeting with a bunch of Japanese businessmen." he shrugged. "I don't know the details, though."

"What did he do?" I asked hesitantly. This seemed to be a delicate subject to him, after all.

He glanced at me, his eyes calculating. Finally, he sighed. "I guess I can trust you with this. After, well, you know…… what we just did..."

"Go on." I snapped. I saw a slight smirk on his lips, before it went away. He sat up as well, turning his body so we sat opposite each other. The fact that we were both still wasn't lost on me. It wasn't lost on him either, it seems. His eyes flickered to my bare skin before settling back to my eyes. I flushed at his actions.

"My father.....he enjoys his liquor..." he muttered venomously. He didn't say 'enjoyed' like it was a nice thing, though. "...and...he's gone into a little debt to pay for his addiction."

"But your father's a billionaire. Billionaires can't get in debt."

"Oh, yes they can Krystal." he corrected. His bare shoulders were slumped, as if the weight of whatever secret he kept was pushing him down. "And we are. Not just because of the liquor, or all of the women he's had to bribe to keep quiet about having an affair with him. It's because of something......something more complex."

"Complex? What do you mean complex?" I asked, my curiosity skyrocketing. The 17-year-old side of me was just dying to hear about the scandals of the 'rich people'. Even if nobody would believe me if I would ever tell them about it, I at least still wanted some good gossip.

"I mean complex, as in, way too complicated." he sighed, burying his head in his hands. The earlier pain and stress I had seen him wear was back again, only this time, he didn't attack me to get away from it. "My family's in a lot of trouble, Krystal. Really big trouble. My father borrowed money from a lot of powerful people. Lots and lots of money, money that even we can't afford to pay back."

Without even thinking about it, I reached out and carefully put my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug. He froze in shock, before quickly getting over it as he slipped his arms around my waist. The thin blanket fell away between us, but I wasn't afraid. He gripped me tightly, and I melted against the warmth of his body.

No, I did not love Kai; however, love wasn't the same as lust.

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