He was just like a dream willowy and full of possibilities, Responsive, intelligent, gentle ,and kind. He never ceased to amaze me. And for the short period of time he was mines, all I experienced was happiness beyond anything I had ever felt before. He had a way of making me feel special, making me feel as if I was wanted and I had never felt that way before he was truly my saving grace , for I had met him at a time when I had lost a sense of self and he had pulled me out of my pit of loathing and self-pity with kind words , an open heart and gentle hands . And I could hardly believe someone that incredible could fall for a up like me . But here we were playing on the beach next to our favorite park every now and then we would steal glances at one another like blushing teenagers who are just experiencing love for the first time. We make our way over to the park and sit in the grass and look at the clouds go by, as I rest my head in his lap he made a crown made of daisy’s and other wild flowers to put one my head. It was childish I admit, but I couldn’t help but let him as long as I got to see that genuine smile he rarely wore these days . It was times like these that made me realize I wanted to  spend the rest of my life with this man; Making him happy, and  sometimes unintentionally mad  or sad but always making up for it in the end. I sit up as he whines cutely about not being finished , I grab his hands as I sternly look into his amber colored eyes , “Junsu , Marry me pl-“  I suddenly stop my words  as they become heavy and too thick to push out any longer as I see  tears start to trail his cherubic face. I see his eyebrows knit together as he spits out words sourly at me. “ Changmin , you know I  can’t marry you,  you need to stop following a fools dream. You’ve asked me this every night for the past year  and each time it breaks my heart to have to tell you no.”  I was so confused what did he mean past year and was he not willing to marry I thought he loved me . . .  wait no I know he loves me there is no way he doesn’t  we both mean a lot to each other  and I  just can’t no for an answer.  I lightly grit my teeth   I hated arguing with junsu but if was for the sake of our future together I was willing to fight for it  tooth and nail., “ Junsu what do you mean a fools dream? This is possible and I’ve never been so serious in my lifetime than I am now, I only love you , the reason I live is you the only person I know how to love is you.” I try to hug him but he pushes me away to put a little distance between us, now he hysterical , “ CHANGMIN STOP IT’S BEEN A YEAR I’M GONE , YOU CAN’T KEEP TORTURING YOURSELF  LIKE THIS!  I  TRULY LOVE YOU I DO AND I ALWAYS WILL, BUT YOU’RE KILLING YOURSELF WAITING FOR ME. LET ME GO AND LIVE HAPPILY , I BEG YOU PLEASE , PLEASE  WAKE UP AND LIVE. . . . LIVE FOR YOUR BROTHER , LIVE FOR YOUR MOM, LIVE FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING LIFE  PLEASE  CHANGMIN PLEASE LIVE FOR ME!”  Junsu grabbed my face and kisses me roughly and all I can taste is salty tears as his perfume fills my other senses . We part and he gives me a breath takingly beautiful smile  , “ Now go live happily and obey my wish, forget about me until were able to meet agin.”  Suddenly my eyes snap open and I’m no longer on that sunny breezy beach where we once played , or the park where we would spend our lazy Sundays. I was in our one room apartment that we used to call home , it still looked the same.  Everything  you had possessed was here along with your memory . I was told once in order to move on I had to rid myself of all your things, but I wouldn’t do it; I couldn’t do it.  I sat up and looked at my phone as it flashed   Dec. 15 , 12:00am  Changmin sighed, “ Happy birthday Junsu , Can you hear me?  I know I’m supposed to forget, but I can’t junsu, I can’t forget and I won’t forget as long as I live, I won’t I love you and I always will.” As crazy as I know I sound it just feels right and as long as junsu was in eternal paradise and I was stuck on earth in this hell we call living I was never going to stop missing him. Suddenly overwhelming sadness took over my body I couldn’t take it anymore my body ripped out screams that seemed  impossibly loud. Maybe I was subconsciously hoping that if I yelled loud enough junsu would hear me. “JUNSU  I LOVE YOU , PLEASE FORGIVE ME I CANT OBEY YOUR WISH. I KNOW I’M BEING SELFISH BUT ,JUNSU YOU MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EVER LET YOU GO! MY HEART WONT LET YOU REST , JUNSU MY HEART JUST CANT!”  After that I lay in bed throat raw from screaming head light from breathlessness and heart aching. I lay there waiting for the sun to raise maybe as time goes on i'll learn to live with a sense of normalcy but for now I’ll see junsu in my dreams every night and we’ll  play on the beach and he’ll  make me flower crowns and we’ll kiss and snuggle like absent minded teens and hopefully that will be enough to keep me going until we actually meet again.