Dear Diary,

I hate myself. I can’t handle this. It’s too much.

My ‘crush’ isn’t fading. It’s quickly escalating. It’s become unacceptable. When he took off his shirt today after practice, I caught myself looking. Not just looking, but actually seeing. I was checking out a boy’s body. This is so not normal and totally not okay. I feel like Satan is coming to corrupt my brain and it’s totally working.

Minhyun’s body isn’t anything special. JR and Baekho are a lot more muscular and had better bodies in general, but I was looking at Minhyun's body in that sinful way. I wasn’t looking at it to admire it per se. I wasn’t looking at it because it was hot. I was looking at it because it was him.

I was never really religious, but I went to a Catholic high school, and I was raised by Catholic ideals. This being attracted to a boy thing is wrong beyond wrong and a sin to say the least. God will punish me. I can’t. I have to get rid of this feeling. I have to stop liking Minhyun somehow. I wish he would do something to make me hate him. Please, Lord, make him do something to make me hate him. I’d rather hate him than love him.

I’m under so much stress right now. After I caught myself looking at Minhyun in that way, looking at his bare chest, thinking about him in that way, I realized something I should have realized long ago. I’m in love with him. I am becoming gay.

Imagine my parents read that? How disappointed would they be? They’d disown me. They would hate me forever. They would be disappointed in themselves and they would regret ever allowing me to become an idol. They’d think it was this idol business that corrupted me like this, but it’s not. It’s just him. It’s just my Optimus Prince that I love. I’m in love with him godammit, and I have to stop this feeling right away.