I hated you, Nam Woohyun. I really did.

I hated you from the moment I saw you.

How you smiled so perfectly to everyone, how you made all the girls feel like they were floating on cotton candy, how you were the perfect guy. I hated how I knew that even though you were so good, so desirable, you would never be mine.

I hated you for proving me wrong.

You took an interest in me, the wallflower, the secret admirer, even though we hardly talked. I remember the first time I spoke to you, when you helped me pick up my book that I had dropped on the floor, and you gave me that smile of yours. I said a soft thank you, and you looked at me longingly, as though you were hoping for something more. I didn’t know exactly how we started eating strawberry shortcake together at our favourite cafe, nor lying on a field of sunflowers and staring blankly at the clear blue sky, nor sitting at the beach on a cold chilly night counting the number of stars in the night sky. I remembered that time you turned towards me, and hugged me close. I remembered how my heart thumped wildly, wondering what you were doing. I remembered you leaning in close, and whispering that you love me in my ear. I remembered how I said the same, and things started becoming a whirlwind.

I hated you for proving that fairytale endings didn’t exist.

I never thought this would happen. Never. I’d seen it in movies, read it in books, and even had nightmares about it, but I never thought it would ever happen in real life.

You cheated on me.

My heart sunk as I saw you holding another girl’s hand, smiling sweetly at her, showering her with grease - it was reminiscent of the days at the very beginning, our very own beginning, when we just started dating. You would treat me like a princess, the only love of your life, but all this faded into oblivion as I watched the scene unfold before my eyes. I didn’t really feel heartache, but something just hit me at that point of time - was it realization, that our relationship was just a fragment of our relationship? Or it was realization of how stupid I really was? Or that I was free to find someone else who was better?

My mind buzzed, and it didn’t help when you turned around to see me looking straight at you.

The expression on your face changed slightly, that of a genuine smile, to that of one that hid disgust, fear, and maybe even relief. I didn’t know which. I didn’t want to know.

Our gazes interlocked, and time seemed to have stopped. I wish it did. Maybe if time stopped, you would never tell me that it was over, that we were over. Maybe if time stopped, we could even reverse it, and I could relive those precious memories, and save our relationship. Maybe if time stopped, it would mean that the world stopped moving too.

I hated you for not stopping me.

Time passed by slowly, and painfully. Days seemed like months, as I spent each day thinking of you. I knew it was bad, and absolutely disgusting of myself to keep thinking of you when what I needed to do was move on. I tore up all our photos, burned them, and kept nothing of ours to remind me of you. I deleted your number from my phone, blocked it too, and kept myself in this tiny, safe, yet secure world of my own. I kept myself alive with that burning hatred and utter despair inside of me.

I hated you for making my heart confused.

Just when I thought I could get over you, you came back into my life again. You didn’t have to save me, when you had already killed me once. Why were you even there in that dark alley? Why did you have to attempt to be the hero again, trying to fend off all those gangsters that were pouncing on me? I didn’t need you to save me, and neither did I want you to. You were so badly bruised, I had no choice but to bring you back home and nurse your wounds. You looked at me with that fail aegyo of yours, and I had to try so hard not to laugh, or even fall for you again. You told me that you broke up with that girl I saw that time, and that you wanted to start afresh with me. Do you know how tempted I was to say yes again? I had to suppress all those emotions, only to tell you with a poker face that over is over. You tried to kiss me again, hoping that it would disillusion me, but I saw through everything. I could think clearly, or so I thought.

I hated you for leaving.

I found a note on my door the next day from you. Did you really think that ‘sorry’ could cure everything? You tried to apologize for not keeping me, for not treasuring me, and so you wanted to leave me alone forever, and never come back again.

I hated you for lying.

You didn’t mean it when you said you truly wanted to leave me alone, give me space to breathe. You were there again for me. I went home in a stupor that night after reading your note, intoxicated by all the liquor from the pub. I stumbled on my front porch, and there you were, ready to catch me. You brought me into my own house with the set of spare keys I gave you from a long time ago, and fell asleep on my sofa, where I found you the next morning. I was sober, and asked you sternly why you were even there. You mumbled another apology, and turned to leave, but you changed your mind. You dashed back to my side and kissed me full and hard on the lips, mumbling that you loved me and everything was wrong. I couldn’t think - I wanted to push you away, but something within me just pulled you back to me again.

I hated you for making me love you again.

We got back together, and everything seemed perfectly fine. We were that perfect couple again, but I guess something buried deep down inside of mine didn’t trust you as much as I wanted to. I guess you could see through me, because you understood me so well, so well.

I hated you for abandoning me.

You left without a word. You wouldn’t answer my calls, my texts, and you even moved out of your house. I didn’t know where you went, and no one else did. I wonder if it was something I said, or something I did. Were you offended by my lack of trust in you? Should we have talked things through? Was our relationship just so prone to cracks? Was it just so vulnerable?

Nam Woohyun, if you read this, I hate you for all those memories you’ve left with me. Call me if you want them back, or if you want me back.

I love you.