It was 12AM.

My phone started ringing and vibrating from all the text messages that had flooded in. I scrolled through every single one, looking for yours.

It didn’t exist.

I sighed as I replied all my other friends, and switched off my phone. Perhaps you were busy, perhaps you already went to bed, that’s why you didn’t wish me happy birthday, like you always did.

I refused to believe that you forgot.

I waited for your text message the whole day. It never came.

I tapped my pencil impatiently as I sat in my office, constantly staring at my phone. The occasional vibration would raise my hopes, and I immediately checked, only to see that it was just from a friend that I hadn’t contacted in years. I replied a quick ‘thanks’, and continued to wait, and wait, and wait.

It never came.

I checked my social networking sites. There you were, posting about how tired you were.

Kim Myungsoo: Today was tiring. Ah well.
Kim Myungsoo: DBSK hyungs are amazing, as always.

I didn’t mean as much to you as your idols?

You couldn’t even be bothered to wish your good friend a happy birthday?

Tears started welling up, and I wondered if I was being unreasonable for expecting you to even remember my birthday. You were popular, of course. You had every girl to choose from, so why me? I realized that maybe, maybe I really did have feelings for you, but even as a friend, I thought I deserved a simple ‘happy birthday’ from you.

I looked at the birthday presents you gave me last year. Just two simple figurines, but they meant so much more to me. I remembered how you took them out, and gave it to me while giving that beautiful, dimpled smile of yours. You didn’t tell me what the presents meant, but I didn’t ask you either. If I asked you, I was sure that you would be angry with me. You weren’t famous for having a good temper, and your cold attitude to strangers did scare me sometimes too.

Had I become a stranger?

I wondered if I had offended you somehow. You were sensitive, but so was I. Perhaps it was this lack of understanding there that had tore us apart, the couple that never was.

I had often imagined how it would be like for us to be together. I thought we might be awkward, might be cute, might be sweet, might be loving. But everything was just a silly fantasy of mine, of course. Who was I to you?

The clock struck 12AM.

I gave up all hope in waiting for you to wish me a happy birthday.

Thank you for telling me that I didn’t exist in your world at all.

A year had passed.

I hadn’t talked to you ever since then. I wondered if you actually realized that I was avoiding you. I didn’t think so. You didn’t ask, didn’t call me out for bowling, for a cup of coffee, or even text to say hi. Perhaps you had found someone to love.

The day I dreaded so much came again.

The clock struck 11.30PM, and I reached out to switch off my phone. Just then, the doorbell rang.

I had apprehensions about opening the door at this time of the night, but I did so anyway. Perhaps it was intuitive, or perhaps I was hoping for a miracle.

And there you were, with a bunch of sunflowers.

We stood like this on my front porch, both of us looking at each other, not knowing what to say. You finally spoke, and I couldn’t describe how every heartstring of mine you had pulled with that voice of yours I missed so dearly. You said you were sorry, you said you needed time. You said you wanted to confess to me on that very same day, one year ago. You said you were a coward, and it took you long enough to confess to me, that day, that night, one year later. You said roses were conventional, and sunflowers represented everything better, because from that day onwards we could have a bright future together.

I didn’t know how to respond. You broke my heart, trampled on my feelings, made me disappointed, and now you were telling me that I was wrong all along. Again.

You took my hand and placed it in yours. Did you know how tempted I was to slam the door in your face and tell you to never come and find me again, because you left me dangling there in mid-air for one year, not knowing what I meant to you? Did you know how I had an internal struggle with my mind and my heart? All you did was make me more confused as you kissed me right there, under the moonlight, in that cold, silent night.

“Be mine.”

Did two rights make one wrong?

I looked into your eyes, searching for sincerity, but somehow everything just blurred out. You were disappearing right before me, and I knew right there and then, that I wanted you back in my life.

It was too late.

My phone vibrated, and I woke up, only to see that it was 12AM. I never did turn off my phone, and everything was just a dream.

A dream.

How funny.

I opened the text message without looking at the sender.

“Happy birthday.”

It was from you.

It was cold, insincere, and unfeeling.

I was right.

I had been stupid and foolish to think that I was even remotely close to you. Our friendship was just a figment of our imagination. I didn’t exist in your world.

I deleted your text, blocked your number, deleted your text, switched off my phone and cried myself to sleep.

If this is the way you want to end our story, so be it.

Kim Myungsoo, I hereby erase you from my life.