Chapter 1: Hello :) This can be an interesting read if you arrange the paragraphs correctly. I know it is impolite to just point your mistakes and such, but since you mentioned about wanting some advice, so here we go (please don't be offended, or tell me if you do so I can stop):
First of all, paragraphing. I think it is better to divide the story into several paragraph. Don't put everything into one single paragraph because it will be difficult for people to understand the story. Make sure you write dialogues in a new paragraph for each person if you don't make it into script mode so people will now who was talking.
The second thing is about description. It is sometimes difficult to describe a scene without dialogue, but it is advisable to write down some descriptions, especially when your characters are moving around. When you only use one setting of place (for example in a single room), you may not need a lot of description of place and simply have to focus on what people are doing.
The third thing is about sentences. One thing I always try to do when writing a story is to write a word in its formal spelling. I know it is easier and more quickly to type only the abbreviations (like: "u" instead of "you" and "sth" instead of "something") but again, we have to remember that sometimes our readers' knowledge isn't as broad as ourselves and it may be difficult for them to grasp the meaning of an abbreviated word.
Grammar is not less important, of course, but this comment has taken too long (and rude!) already so I'm going to stop. I really hope you're not offended by this. Feel free to delete this if you do.
Comments