► Chapter Thirteen

The Wrong Way

Come sunrise and Joonmyun stirs to the feeling of fingertips tracing circles on the length of his arms. It dances and runs along the jut of his elbow then lingering on his wrist, causing goose bumps to ripple down his skin. And then he feels soft pliant lips pressing to his nape, moving slowly as they murmur words of love and Joonmyun snaps his eyes open only to face the white washed walls of his bedroom.

The person behind him winds his arms around his waist and the first thing that came up to Joonmyun’s mind is Jongdae. He bolts up into a sitting position and the boy lying beside him yelps in surprise at the abrupt movement.

“Hyung?”

“Jong— Chen,”

Joonmyun stares at Chen, a straight face set and eyes still groggy from sleep. “Please don’t ever do that again.”

Chen looks up at him confused and sits up beside him, hair mussed and soft and Joonmyun tries not to let his eyes trail to his bow shaped lips that were previously pressed to his nape. He ached to feel them against his mouth.

“You mean like this?” there’s a flicker of mischief in Chen’s eyes and he leans close to Joonmyun to latch his lips to the crook of his neck. Joonmyun’s breath hitches and he flinch unintentionally, causing the younger boy to move away quickly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were really that uncomfortable,” Chen breathes, eyes half lidded as they trace Joonmyun’s upper lips. The hand on Joonmyun’s wrist moves up to his arm before they clutch on the elder’s grey cotton shirt. Joonmyun pries Chen’s hand away and he gets up to leave the bedroom.

“I—I’m going to take a shower,” He says shakily, raking a hand through his hair and doesn’t dare to meet the younger’s eyes.

He feels the pressure of Chen’s gaze from the back of his head as he exits the room.

Five weeks have passed and Joonmyun still doesn’t know what to feel. He busies himself with studies and his plans after college, indulging himself on heavy literature books until there are stacks and stacks of them back in the apartment.

At first, Joonmyun had thought that he might need time to think and just be with himself. He doesn’t reply to any of the restless text messages and phone calls he’s been receiving from Chen and Joonmyun doesn’t blame him when they suddenly stopped coming one day. Chen has a reason to be angry at him for ignoring the worried calls, only for it to be sent to voice mails.

Joonmyun thought that it would be alright; soon he could face Chen confidently without any doubts lurking on the back of his mind (and heart). He just needs time to think.

When he deemed himself ready to meet Chen again, Joonmyun waited outside the art hall, where Chen was still in his art lecture, taking a few deep breaths when everyone filed out, signaling the two hour lecture had ended.

When Chen finally came out and spotted the older waiting beside the entrance, Joonmyun quickly approached him, hoping everything will run smoothly. Chen stared at him angrily, frown deep on his forehead.

Joonmyun quickly composed himself, trying to find the right words, but they left his mind as soon as his eyes locked with Chen’s. For a split second, Joonmyun feels as though it’s Jongdae he’s staring at, and there goes his gut feeling, twisting his insides and pressing at his chest, hard.

Chen waited with a nonchalant stare and full of accusation for Joonmyun to say something-- anything. Joonmyun swallowed the lump in his throat and stuttered out an apology.

I didn’t answer your calls because I was still busy dealing with troubles in my bank account. I’m so sorry for ignoring your messages, Chen, but I read them all. I’m so sorry for making you worry--

Before he could say anything else, Chen had jumped on him, winded his arms around his neck and hugged him so tight Joonmyun thinks he might choke, laughed against his shoulder and swayed their bodies together. Joonmyun was stunned, and Chen let go and punched his chest lightly. You idiot, he mumbled. I thought you were breaking up with me, Chen had said and laughed with glassy eyes.

 God, I hate you so much, Chen continued. You’re a ing idiot and yet, I’m still helplessly in love with you. And then he’s back again circling his arms around Joonmyun’s torso, mumbling out repeatedly idiot idiot idiot which is muffled by Joonmyun’s chest. Don’t ever ignore my calls again or I’ll chop off your balls.

Joonmyun looks down at him with a stiff smile, trying not to let his contradicting feelings take over.

Chen doesn’t realize the hesitation in his voice when Joonmyun whispers I love you too.

Five weeks have passed and Joonmyun is still trying to untangle his knotted feelings. Joonmyun couldn’t really say they were one hundred percent alright with each other again after his apology that day, because Joonmyun would still act a little guarded and stiff whenever Chen is around, avoiding physical contacts as much as possible. Unfortunately, his actions are too obvious and the way his back stiffens every time Chen waltz in the room and sits next to Joonmyun is eventually noticed by someone.

Luhan confronts him one evening when the sky is still a light purple and the first few stars had just begin to appear. Joonmyun was waiting for Chen to come out from one of his late classes at the entrance to the Uni complex (Chen had ask Joonmyun to walk him home today because, well, he is just being his usual clingy self much to Joonmyun’s concern) when the older boy stops in front of him.

“You really think no one would notice?” he asks Joonmyun, heading straight to the point and catching the younger off guard.

“What are you talking about Luha—“

“Don’t play dumb with me Joonmyun,” Luhan cuts him off, voice tinged with annoyance. “I realized your strange behavior towards Chen lately might be a little worrying and I know I shouldn’t be butting in on other people’s business, but you seemed so uncomfortable with him these days, like you’re not sure if you should hold him close or push him away.”

Spot on.

Joonmyun wonders when had Luhan grown to known him so well, to know Joonmyun on the inside out within the past one year that passes by quickly since he moved here to Seoul. Maybe it was between the busy hours they have spent working their shifts in Wufan’s Chinese restaurant, or the pleasant car rides he had with him as the older dropped him off at his apartment with his yellow sedan.

“I just thought that you should speak with him. Don’t let it all go to waste, Joonmyun. He deserves to know what’s bothering you. Maybe you could sort it out together?”

Joonmyun snorts. “What, are you my personal love advisor now?”

Luhan scowls and smacks the back of his head. “Joonmyun, I’m serious.”

Joonmyun worries his bottom lip. Can he do it? Can he tell Chen why he has been acting all weird? Confess to him that it’s all because his intuitions tell him that Chen might be Jongdae, his long lost brother?

Joonmyun hates rhetorical questions. They lead him nowhere, and only makes his head spin from raking his whole brain for answers he knows would only appear within actions. Before he can come up with anything, Luhan stiffens and steps back.

“I think I’d better go now,” Luhan mumbles low and turns, before walking away briskly to the car park, leaving Joonmyun confused.

“Luhan wait—“

“Hyung!”

Joonmyun twist his head to face a beaming Chen, all smiley and oblivious. Joonmyun sends him a gentle smile and ruffles his hair. “Ready to go now?”

Chen nods cheerfully. His eyes flicker down to gaze at Joonmyun’s lips, before he’s leaning forward. Before their lips can meet, Joonmyun turns his head to the side to avoid the kiss, moving a few steps back from Chen.

When he turns to look back at Chen’s face, there was hurt and confusion clear in his eyes and Joonmyun’s heart clench painfully in his chest. He wants to hold him and cradle his face in his hands and kiss him senseless under the serene twilight.

No matter how much he wants to, his body doesn’t want to move accordingly to his mind. Chen sighs, the hands clutching the straps of his bag is tight that his knuckles turn white. “Let’s just get going,” the younger said, voice small and dejected.

Joonmyun bites his lips and can only reply with a weak nod. “Yeah, let’s go now.”