“Jae…” the girl uttered as her voice was quivering over the phone. She was trying to say another word but as much as she wanted to, she can’t help but to only cry harder.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” the guy asked as his heart sank, knowing that something bad had happened and he was eager to know the reason but the only answer he got was her sobs.

“Tell me Boa..where..” She suddenly hung up and he was nervous. He quickly ran out of his house and tried searching for her in places she could have gone to.

“Aish..where is she?” Jaejoong went to her house but much from his luck, no one was there. Even her neighbors don’t know where she gone off to. He sat on the Kwon’s doorsteps, sighing. At that moment, he was slowly losing hope.

He pulled out his phone in his pocket and tried calling her one more time. He sighed once again but in relief when she picked up his call.

“Where are you?” He listened attentively and soon he got his answer. “Wait for me, okay?” He closed his phone and ran with all his might to the shore.

He arrived in a short while and was glad that his conclusion was right. There she was, sitting on the sand, hugging her legs and feeling the warmth of the sun.

“There you are” Boa looked up and saw him panting and sweating. She was a bit surprised at his sudden appearance but nevertheless, she felt her pain lessen a bit at the moment she saw him.

“How did you..” She asked, curious about how he was able to find her while he looked at her puffy eyes. “The waves” He answered and sat beside her as they both look at the sun, about to set down at the horizon.

“Earlier, you called” He began the conversation as she felt discomfort and starting to get emotional. Her tears appeared on her eyes as she covered her face with her hands.

Jaejoong bit his lip and closed his eyes for a second to calm his heart. Although it wasn’t visible in his face that he was hurt seeing her like this, his heart was feeling all of it. He wanted to be strong for her and to show that he’s there by her side to ease her pain.

 

He slowly removed her hands and stared at her eyes that now stained with her hot tears. He cupped her face and wiped away those tears that kept on falling.

“Don’t cry” He uttered and was hurt so badly. He wanted to stop her crying but cannot do anything. All he wanted was to only see her smile…to see her happy because he’s there for her.

“My grandpa died” She confessed and felt the pain stung her heart again. Her grandfather who took care of her when she was still a child while her parents were away is now gone. She looked down wanting to be brave but her emotions failed her.

“Boa” He pulled her in an embrace. “I’m sorry but be strong.” He rubbed her back while she’s still holding back her tears. “I know he doesn’t want to see you like this”

They stayed in that position and were silent for a while until she pushed him lightly and looked at his eyes, thankful that he came whenever she needed him. She weakly smiled as her tears stopped already.

 

*

 

He remembered that day…the day when he comforted her when her grandfather died…when she called him because he knew deep inside that she needed him…

but now he knows that it was the last time he’ll be able to be with her just like it was before.

 

He sighed while walking at the corridor, planning to get something in his car, but stopped suddenly upon hearing her name.

“Hey Boa” He peeked behind the wall then leaned on it when he saw Boa and one of their girl classmate talking with each other. “How are you and Jaejoong?” Their classmate continued and he became alert since he was curious for the answer.

“What are you talking about?” Boa asked in return with a curious look on her face.

“Well, people are talking about you guys” Her classmate replied and both Boa and Jaejoong widen their eyes. It’s the first time they have known of that.

“W-what?” Boa stuttered, confused with what she heard.

“You seriously don’t know?” Boa eagerly nodded and Jaejoong was listening carefully.

“Before you’re always together with him and people think that both of you suited each other” Her classmate explained and the said couple was surprised.

‘Will I be happy or shall I forget it?’ Boa felt a sudden mixed of emotions while that question entered her mind. But as for the guy, he secretly smiled to himself. Suited to each other really sounds nice. But…

“He’s only my friend” Boa replied which made his heart shattered into pieces.

“Really? I thought you two are going out?”

“No..not at all” She said casually but she knew truthfully that she was bruising her own heart with her words.

Jaejoong ran away from the girls with a broken heart as he didn’t want to hear the rest anymore because he knew that if he does, it will hurt him more than it is now. He stopped under a big tree, far away from her. He dropped himself, kneeling on the ground as he was trying to control his feelings.

“Why?” He asked, punching the ground hard with his right hand.

“Jae..?” He heard a girl voice and looked where it came from but he only sighed when he saw that she was not the person he was thinking of and wanting to be there. “Something happened?” the girl asked as she approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Go away” He coldly told her and leaned his back on the tree, resting his head on his arms. He’s still unable to sink in the thought that the girl he loves is never coming back to him.

“Are you alright?” Her classmate asked when she saw Boa, spacing out after their short conversation a while ago.

“Huh? Um..yeah” She lied and quickly stood up, dusting her school uniform. “Shall we go back?”

“You go first. I need to return some books I borrowed” Her classmate said and half ran towards the library while she stood there, guilty with what she’d done. It was a fact that she got a glimpse of him the moment her classmate asked about her and him, and she knew that he was listening at that time. And it’s also a fact that that was the main reason she was able to say those hurtful words, for him to hear it.

She picked up her bag and thought of finding him. Deep inside her, she wanted to explain but knowing their situation, she thought that it will be better if she will just remain silent about it.

 

She kept on walking until she was able to find him but pain crushed her heart when she saw the girl comforting him. She thought that maybe, her feeling doesn’t have any value anymore for the reason that he already has someone to be there by his side and that will just meant that he will no longer come whenever she needed him.

She looked down and clenched her fists because of the guilt she has. She looked at them once more and that was the sign telling her to give up. She slowly turned around and walked away.

“I’m sorry” The words she uttered while her teardrops fell from her eyes. It was the day that she was hurt by a lie and a truth. And it was the day that she decided to completely ignore and start forgetting about him.

 

*

 

A week had already passed and she was fairly doing a good job on her first decision but for the second one, it’s difficult than she think it was for her to accomplish especially when he’s trying to communicate with her.

 

She lay down on her bed while thinking about the main reason why all of these happened. It was just a month ago that’s why she managed to tell her classmate that she and Jaejoong were only friends… or probably will be strangers afterwards.

As much as she wanted to let go, he keeps on pulling her back to the extent that she doesn’t know what to do anymore. She closed her eyes, recalling the confrontation a while ago at school.

“Boa” She stiffened when she heard his voice, fighting the thought if she will face him or just ran away as what she usually does. He took the initiative to hold her hand but she pushed it away. “Why are you like this?” He asked with irritation in his voice but she didn’t say a thing. She was confused whether or not to say what she truly feels about him.

“Boa” He turned her around and looked directly at her eyes. “Why are you acting this way?” She avoided his gaze as the urge to speak didn’t come to her. Jaejoong became impatient at her, resulting for him to punch the wall leaving a stain of his blood on it. She gasped and quickly got her handkerchief, wrapped it to his hurt hand but he moved it away from her.

She sighed and tried to hold his hand again but he removed it from her grasp. “Just let me do this!” She yelled and held it again tightly, pouring her anger towards him. He hissed in pain and at the same time, was shocked at her outburst but gave up and decided to let her do it.

He can’t help but to stare at her face while she was aiding his injury. He was able to be this close to her after many days had gone and he won’t deny that he missed being near to her. “Done” Boa said after she tied the knot and widened her eyes when he suddenly pulled her into his arms.

“Boa” He closed his eyes, feeling her warmth while she gulped hard. “Do you hate me?” He asked in a solemn voice as he hugged her tightly.

“Jae?” his childhood friend ruined the moment and Boa pushed him away. Both couple looked at the girl and Boa recognized her face. She was the same girl who’s with Jaejoong under the tree and guilt stuck her again. She shouldn’t be here.

“Who is she?” the other girl questioned and looked angrily at Boa. The latter started to run away from them, knowing that she’s unwanted there.

“Boa, wait!” Jaejoong called and was about to follow but the girl blocked his direction.

Boa opened her eyes and sat up on her bed after remembering that horrible incident. She touched her cheek which was still swollen while hitting herself mentally as to why she let that girl slapped her. She should have retaliated but when Jaejoong came, it became clear to her that she lost him already. She thought that meeting with him earlier will be the end but she got it wrong. That girl shoved her on the wall after class and placed a hard slap on her right cheek.

“Stay away from Jaejoong, understand!” The girl threatened and grabbed Boa’s collar then pushed her, making the victim fell on the floor.

“Yah!” the two girls heard someone shouted and saw that it came from the guy who’s the reason of this ruckus.

“Jae..” the girl shoved herself to Jaejoong, pretending to cry. “She…She started it” She pointed at Boa who was still on the floor, unable to move.

Jaejoong pushed the girl on the side then crouched down and helped Boa to stand up but she pushed him away. “I don’t need your help” She stood up alone and glared at the girl. “What the hell is your problem?!”

The girl scoffed and crossed her arms. “You’re taking my boyfriend away from me, stupid!”

“Enough!” Jaejoong yelled as the two girls looked at him “Let’s go” He pulled the girl’s arm and left Boa there in disbelief. She started to cry not because of the impact of the slap on her cheek but to the slap Jaejoong gave to her heart. He walked away when she badly needed him and now that he doesn’t care anymore, there’s no reason for her to go forth.

 

But amidst of her being emotional, she didn’t know the real reason why he did that.

“What did you do to Boa?!” Jaejoong let go of the girl’s arm and glared intensely at her.

“I didn’t do anything. I just told her that she should leave us alone” The girl spoke while rubbing her arm which Jae tightly gripped on.

“Are you crazy?! Look, we’re not in a relationship” He explained and the girl started to cry which made him a little guilty at his words “I’m sorry Seul Gi…but I don’t have any feelings for you. So please, just stop it now” He pleaded. He wanted this to stop. He can’t bear to see Boa getting hurt because of him.

Boa shook her head forgetting that moment. She went to the bathroom and washed her face after a long time of crying. She looked at the mirror and saw how swollen and red her eyes were. She then remembered the memory last month that she wanted to forget but keeps on coming back.

Flashback…

Boa was waiting for Jaejoong to come at the front of the amusement park when they both decided to celebrate his birthday there. She was imagining the scenarios of the two of them later on. The rides...the booths...and most importantly, the gift she’ll be giving to him. She was excited at the start but…

She was there all alone for the whole five hours and it was already late at night. She waited and waited for him but he didn’t show up nor even call her. She just believed with the idea that perhaps he got some stuff to do first before meeting her. He didn’t pick up his phone a couple of times when she tried calling him and that kept her in wondering why. She finally surrendered when she lost her patience as she decided to go to his house and asked him the reason why he didn’t come.

She turned right at the corner and saw a silhouette in front of his house. It was obviously dark at that time but she knew for sure that it’s his back she’s seeing because of the light coming from the light post that reflected half of his body. She planned to walk slowly for him not to sense her and will smack his head afterwards but it came to a stop when she saw a girl in front of him.

She didn’t saw it coming when the girl suddenly kissed him and she gasped witnessing the scene. She was speechless indeed. The pain that she can’t avoid stung her heart for real. It’s the first time she felt this emotion when she saw them kissing and it was as if she was devastated. She ran back to her house while tears continue to fall from her eyes. She felt that he used her. The thought that he shared the same feelings with her is now unreachable.

 

End of flashback

She washed her face the second time around to clear those negative thoughts. “You’ll be fine Boa. Everything’s fine” She told herself, looking at the mirror with determination.

 

*

 

Time sure flies fast and they’re in the middle of their semestral break but still no progress between the two of them. It was already night time and Jaejoong is in his room, thinking of what to do. He keeps on calling Boa but she never picked up her phone. He wasn’t given a chance to apologize for ditching her on his birthday and he thought that it was the reason why she’s ignoring him until now.

He was looking at her picture on his phone when her mom interrupted him with a knock. “Phone for you, son” He opened the door and headed downstairs, wondering who it was.

“Hello?”

“Jae, why aren’t you here?” his close friend spoke and Jaejoong was clueless on what his friend is talking about. “What do you mean?” He asked, a bit curious but soon was shocked after hearing the reply as the phone slipped off of his hands.

He hurriedly went in to his car and drove off to Boa’s house but parked at a distance when the same question that keeps on torturing him entered his mind. ‘Does she want to see me?’

He saw her walked outside and bowed to the visitors who came to her father’s wake. It was as if life drained out of her, seeing her condition right now. He bit his lower lip to the extent that it bled for having this guilt that he has. He blamed himself for not being with her especially in this moment. He wanted to step out of the car and embrace her but he was still having some second thought. She didn’t call him when her father died, concluding that she doesn’t want him into her life anymore.

Whenever she had problems or when she thought of giving up, she never fails to call him. And he always came.

Guilt was dominating in him. He can’t take it anymore. He started the engine and went to the shore to let his emotions out.

“Condolences, Boa” her classmates came and she smiled weakly. She looked at them one by one, wishing that if it’s possible she will be able to see him. But realization hit her. She was the one who’s avoiding him and she regrets it so much because she knew deep in her heart, he’s the only one that can lessen the pain she’s bearing.

 

Truth to be told, she needs him.

“Did Jae come?” One of her classmates asked her; the same classmate who called Jaejoong a while ago. She kept silent but shook her head sideways.

 

“Aish, that guy” she looked at him, waiting for her classmate to continue. “I’ll call him” He pulled out his phone but before he can dial his number, she held his arm and shook her head once more.

“If he wanted to come, he’ll come” she reasoned when she thought that she shouldn’t interfere between him and his girlfriend. “Thank you for the concern, but it’s alright. It’s really alright”

 

Who is she kidding?

*

Two weeks had passed and it’s not the same for Boa. Her father was gone and she kept on wishing that if a miracle will happen, she wants him to come back to them. He was her adviser. He gave her inspiring words which really help her in dealing with life, but now that he is away, she doesn’t know how to start living with one person missing in her life.

It was already dawn but Boa can’t sleep at all. She can’t how much she tried to, leading her to go to her favorite place…their favorite place.

She was sitting at the shore, enjoying the remaining time she’ll be visiting this place and reflecting, at the same time, about her life. Too many things happened and all of these memories, she wanted to forget.

“Hang in there” she whispered to herself. “but I…I can’t anymore” Her tears that she kept on holding back after her father’s funeral decided to ran down on her cheeks. She can no longer carry the pain. Three precious men already left her. One was his grandfather; second was his father; and lastly, was Jaejoong.

“Dad, why do you need to go?” She managed to say between her sobs “How will I survive without you? …I won’t hear your voice anymore. I won’t be able to see your smile... Come back please. Mom needs you… I need you dad…” She let her emotions enveloped her. She can’t withhold it anymore. She broke down.

Much from her suffering, there is no Jaejoong to be there for her. How she missed those moments. But now, she needs to stand on her own. She needs to be strong for her mother. More importantly, she needs to be strong for herself.

She laughed bitterly as she was thinking how Jaejoong became part of her life. They were once strangers but fate allowed them to meet and to be close with each other but is it just up to there? Nothing more? She guessed that maybe closeness is far from being in love. It’s just often misunderstood by some people.

She wanted to forget him. She wanted to have a new beginning with her mother. She doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship wherein she will be the reason to ruin it. She doesn’t want that to happen to Jaejoong and his girlfriend. It was time for her to move on.

But little did she know that he followed her.

 

There he is, looking at her from a distance, bearing the same pain as hers. He wanted to sit beside her and stop her tears just like the way it was before but it’s not easy for him to do.

 

“No…I can’t let this pass” Having a second thought, he left his worries and decided to approach her. “Boa” He called her name and she quickly looked back, not believing he’s here.

 

She stood up and walked passed him but he got a hold of her hand before she can walk out on him again. She stopped but didn’t have the guts to look at him.

 

“Boa” he called once again and this time, he pulled her in an embrace. “I’m sorry for what happened to your father but why are you behaving like this to me?” He softly whispered to her ear as his heart was searching for an answer.

 

“Let go of me” Boa sternly said while withholding her emotions. She wanted the two of them to part ways and go on with their separate lives. Everything about them is ruined and won’t be healed anymore. But when she finally ready to let go, he kept on coming back. He embraced her tightly, not wanting to let her go. “No, I won’t”

 

“Please, let me go” She pleaded as her heart was breaking into pieces. “I don’t want this to happen…but please Jae, please let go” She wanted to act brave but she can’t help not to cry. Memories came flashing back when she felt his warmth. Although she missed this, she needs to end this now.

 

“I know you’re angry at me when I didn’t come on my birthday but please, let me explain”

 

She pushed him with all her might when she heard him. “No Jae, I had enough!” It just made her remember the kiss scene between him and his girlfriend. She turned around and was about to run when…

 

“I love you Boa!” He finally confessed. He wanted to say it all this time but didn’t have the courage to speak. She doesn’t know what to do, on the other hand, after hearing those words from him. An unbearable pain struck her heart and a part of her wanted to say her feelings but she thought that it is wrong. It’s wrong to be in a relationship with him.

 

She didn’t follow what her heart is saying. She had already decided even if she will regret it forever. “I don’t love you.” She spoke while not taking any chance for her tears to fall again as her back was still facing him. She started to walk slowly away from him. She wanted to leave this place. She wanted to leave him, having the thought that she doesn’t need him anymore.

 

“You’re lying” She continued to move forward when she heard him and she can’t deny that he’s right. She was lying all along and it was hurting her so much. But her mind dominated on her.

 

“Ever since we met, I just considered you as a nobody” She was truly lying and she knows that because the truth was, the first time she saw him, she already had some feelings for him.

 

He grabbed her hand as he turned her around which earned a gasp from her. He placed her hand close to his heart and looked at her with those hurtful eyes. “Say that while looking at me” He told her and his grasp became tighter. “Tell me and I will leave you.” Tears started to be visible on her eyes as she was torn between her mind and heart and in a dilemma what to choose between the two.

 

“I don’t love you. I never did” She told him but broke down afterwards. It was the final decision that will end the bond they have. “Stop this now…please…please just leave me alone”

 

He let go of her hand after hearing her words. It was enough for him to realize that he is not important to her after all this time. “I’m sorry for coming into your life.” He walked away, carrying a heart that was broken while Boa stood there all alone as regret hit her. She cried and cried wanting to forget her decision. Not following her heart was a major mistake she had done.

 

Sunrise can now be seen but even if it’s pleasing to the eyes, it didn’t help healing her wounded heart.

 

*

 

“Boa” her mom called when she saw her daughter spacing out. “Is it really fine with you?” Boa looked at her mom weakly and nodded. After she came back home, her mom was waiting for her with suitcases on her side. They both went to the airport and now had boarded the plane.

 

“I want to start a new life, mom” She replied. She wants to be a better person than she was before. Her mom decided to go to Japan and she wanted to come also. She thought that it will be easier for her to forget the bad memories she had before. For her, this will be the start of the new chapter of her life.

 

“If that’s what you want, I’ll support you dear” Boa smiled and looked outside. She saw the clouds as she imagined herself to be like them - peaceful and free. She wanted her life to be like that. Life with no worries and pain.

 

She glanced at the letter she was holding with a blue rose pinned to it. It was supposed to be her birthday gift to him. In that letter was her confession for her love for him. In the language of flowers, blue rose signifies love at first sight. She thought that having him seen it, he will know exactly what she wanted to convey. 

 

But in the end, she didn’t get the chance to give it to him, now believing that they are not really meant for each other.

 

*

 

The sun was about to set and he was sitting on a bench alone, still thinking of her.

Her words keep on playing around on his head.

 

‘I don’t love you. I never did’

 

He looked up at the sky. He had known that she left. “Who was I?” He asked himself, wanting to know what will be her answer but it was already too late. He can’t see her anymore even just for a distance.

 

“Am I really a nobody to you?” He then looked down, and tears were falling for the first time. He is hurt so much at the thought that the only girl he loves doesn’t feel the same as he does. She left him without knowing all the truth.

 

He remembered that day…his special day when he wasn’t able to enjoy it with her but instead was together with her childhood friend. And much from his disappointment, that shocking scene came up to his mind when she suddenly kissed her.

(“What the..” He touched his lips and looked at her in bewilderment.

“I love you Jae” the girl confessed as he widen his eyes.

“I’m sorry” He replied. He doesn’t love her. His heart already belongs to someone…someone whom he didn’t know was there who witnessed what happened. “I don’t love you. My mom just force me to date you today” He knew what he said were frank and harsh words but he wanted to clear things out and he don’t want her to hope that she will be given a chance.)

He sighed and wiped away his tears. It was unmanly to do but he can’t hold it anymore. It was too much for him.

 

“If only you’re here, I can tell who you are to me” He looked at the sunset, mesmerizing the view before him. It was beautiful just like her but sooner or later will be gone as it actually happened to her.

 

“You’re…you’re the only one who can make my heart feels this way, you know” He softly said wishing that she would be able to hear it. “I will love you until the end Boa…I will…”

 

“But for you…was I just another memory to forget?”

 

~the end~