He wasn't sure why he asked Kyuhyun to be his friend with benefits, but the fact that, every time he tried to convince him to have , he always refused made him feel rather frustrated.

Everybody wanted him, why it was that hard for Kyuhyun? He didn't know why exactly but every time he was rejected he wanted him more.

But still, he wasn't in his room, he wasn't with him but with some random guy he hooked up in the hallway an hour before. He flirted with him for a bit, faking interest in him, smiling in his mischievous way and whispering sweet nothings. He wasn't sincere, he wasn't his true self with people, he knew it, but he really had no time to spend with someone "special"; actually time wasn't really a problem, he had plenty of time he wasted every day (almost) with a different guy. It wasn't even a problem of being treated badly or like a , it wasn't really like guys didn't want to ask him to be something more. He even dated someone for a few days, maximum a week, just to try it out, but every time it was only two bodies meeting each other, nothing more than that. He just needed some fun, his body was young and needy but he didn't necessitate love.

Oh sure, that was the main reason, he wasn't ready for love, he didn't want to have that special someone,  too much worry, too many emotions, and sincerity...he wasn't ready to tell someone how he really felt. His heart skipped a beat the moment he realized that in the hurry of winning that stupid bet he told Kyuhyun more than he needed to; no one in school knew his real story, he just looked like he was the strong kind, smart enough to study less possible and still manage to survive in school, and of course he looked like he was the typical rich guy, son of a loving family, that gave him whatever he wanted.

He sighed to himself, he knew it wasn't true, he perfectly knew how much his parents disliked him, and his personality, and his ual preferences and his face; they hated his face the most, because he was annoyingly similar to theirs, it was hurtful to see him, wanting to forget him it was still impossible to deny he was their son.

" Sungmin do you like it or not?"  an annoying voice brought him back to reality. The squalid reality of a dark dusty room. A voice coming from his lower region. He looked down at the guy that was kneeling in front of him, he was blushing; he didn't even looked that bad, I chose well this time too, but he wasn't that interesting anyway. He smirked and nodded to make the guy continue with his "job".

He even felt kinda sorry, but he wasn't usually able to pay much attention to people while having with them, he just gave his body some pleasure; his mind was always zoning out, sometimes he even focused on his homework, repeating mentally the morning lesson. It was quite funny because he felt like one of those women in movies that used to look at the ceiling while having with their partners, thinking how "the light blue would look good on the wall of the living room". He smiled, oh well, almost snorted, and the guy took it like he was enjoining it, so he moved faster till they finally reached their limits.

Ah finally, I was starting to be bored. He closed his pants quickly looking at the guy disappointed face.

" Can I see you again?" he asked.

" I don't think so...not in a short time anyway. I told you I don't want commitment and you agreed" he answered dryly, the guy nodded, looking a bit sad but not acting too silly, and letting him go.

~

He finally was out of that room, he missed the freaky nerd habits, Kyuhyun's room wasn't that dirty, he felt so good in it; now instead his nose was itchy, god how that guy even live in a room like that?

Still, why was he thinking of Kyuhyun? Out of all people, he was thinking of him. It was true they had more than once, and that was already a good reason to remember him, in fact, usually it was a onetime only, even when he "dated" he conceded himself only once, making others want him even more. Damn, why with Kyuhyun it was different? He wasn't normal for sure, after what they had done he was supposed to want him like crazy, instead he avoided him.

He makes me crazy! I need to have him again, I need to win! He wasn't simply used to be ignored, at least not by people different from his dad.

He was walking casually to his room when he saw him. Kyuhyun was walking lazily in the corridor, maybe going to his room, he looked tired, or maybe it was his bored-boring face. His feet started to move towards the younger, but his head stopped him, so he decided to simply hide behind the corner and wait for him to bass by. This way he had all the time to look at the figure of that tall boy Pff how did I even managed to get aroused by that body? He looks so plain and boring...his are nice tho.

He bit his lips when his eyes traveled on that body, he started from the shoulders, two wide shoulders made him look like he was the perfect one to be protective, it must have felt so good being in his  long arms. ing Ryeowook! He was always hugging him, they were always together. His hands and arms looked nice too, especially his hands, he clearly remembered those hands on him, they were so big and warm and even smooth, ah it felt so good having them around his...

Stop it Sungmin!

He wasn't like that, he was more the one people wanted, he didn't need anything else, nor someone else.

~

Exams were coming soon and he needed to start studying, but still he didn't want to, instead he wanted to play a bit, he was skipping  music classes lately and he missed it, he was just too stupid sometimes, making his image win over his true self and needs. He liked music, but being too serious over a school matter could ruin his "badass" image, so the best choice was going to the music room at a different hour, far from music lessons, no one around seeing him.

Once he stepped in the room he saw his dear piano and felt immediately happy. He sat down on the form and started to touch the keys, his fingers went fast and suddenly he was carried in another dimension, he was in another world, his own. But his world , his real one, was dark and cold, no one to care about him, no one to love him. Love, that was the one thing he missed the most, it was inevitable to start singing one of the saddest love songs he knew. He felt even worse reminding that he used to play that song with his mum when he was little; not that he actually knew the meaning of the lyrics back then, but it was a nice exercise to learn piano well, because it had some nice chords and slow parts that were a bit hard to play at first. He mastered that song in a few months so now he didn't need the sheet, not even to keep his eyes opened.

He heard a weird sound and stopped immediately to play, he turned around to see where it was coming from, the door, and Kyuhyun was there, eyes wide opened. He didn't expect to see him, not in a situation like that but still he was kinda happy to have him there.

" What are you doing here?"  Kyuhyun said before he could speak, he wanted to ask the same question.

He grinned at him before crossing  the room with long steps, he stopped right in front of him and got on his toes to kiss him, but this time Kyuhyun was fast enough to turn his head, so that Sungmin couldn't kiss him, not on the lips. He just managed to reach his cheek and felt so frustrated again. Why did he have to play that hard to get? Annoying nerd. Sungmin just tried to ignore what happened and answered calmly " I was singing why?"

" You can sing? And play?" Kyuhyun asked, he looked quite surprised .

" Yeah, why not? We learn it here no? I can sing, that doesn't mean I sing well" he simply stated, but the younger didn't seem to be listening to him " why are you here instead?".

" I wanted to play a bit...why? I have the permission " Kyuhyun answered looking a bit anxious.

" I see... where were you yesterday? I looked for you but you weren't in your room..." he lied, he wanted to go after him but he decided to stop.

" None of your business" he said that with an annoyed look and starting to walk towards the piano. Sungmin blocked him and caressed his soft cheek.

" Kyu, why are you this bad with me today? Are you angry for something?" his eyes were so big and his pout was so evident this time, he looked totally like a puppy asking to be patted. But Kyuhyun wasn't there to pat him, obviously, and he wasn't moved by his actions a bit.

" I'm not angry, I've always been like this, I dislike you and you annoy me that's all...so I prefer just to avoid you" his voice was dry, drier than ever..

" You weren't like this the other day " he smirked.

" You just caught me off guard, I was sleepy ... now if you do me the favor to go out of here and leave me alone"

" What if I wanted to stay?" he got closer to Kyuhyun and finally kissed him on the lips. It was a soft kiss no tongue involved, but still it felt so hot. When they parted Sungmin was smiling, instead Kyuhyun was glaring at  him.

" Are you done? " the other asked raising an eyebrow. This made him mad, so that after murmuring an angry "no" on his mouth he kissed him again. This time the kiss was furious, he bite his lips and his soft skin. When he tried to force his tongue inside Kyuhyun' mouth the younger pushed him away with all his strength.

" What's your problem?" he said brushing his lips.

" I'm just trying to make you change your mind, Kyu " he tired to sound soft and sensual.

" You won't ever make it, and now please go away Sungmin! " his face was so serious that the older was getting a strange feeling, Kyuhyun was never this harsh with him, not even the first times.

" You are more grumpy than usual...plus I thought you liked my kisses..." the older  said crossing his arms.

" pff you got it all wrong, your kisses gross me out...you are gross! And what happened won't ever change this fact" he was furious, his cheeks were starting to burn and Sungmin knew he was serious, it hurt a bit.

" Gross?" Sungmin hissed in disbelief.

" Yes, Sungmin" he emphasize his name, as if he was talking to a baby " every time you kiss me I think of all the others guys I'm kissing, every time you touch me I think of how many others you touched with those same hands... I feel dirty, it grosses me out "

Sungmin stood there, looking at him without being able to say anything, he gaped hearing those things and he couldn't let out any of the huge amount of words he was thinking, he wanted to punch him right in his face.

Kyuhyun touched his lower lip smirking before finishing what he had to say " I can't even imagine how much saliva and went inside your mouth all this while " he was till smirking and looking at the side acting cool.

Sungmin was shocked, his eyes were so dark it was impossible to see anything more than anger, his fists clenched, so much his knuckles were all white. I'm gonna punch him I swear. " You are such an " he hissed instead, before going out of the room slamming the door behind him.

He started to walk fast in the corridor, he felt so dirty, so bad, his heart wanted to explode. What hurt the most was that everything Kyuhyun said in that cold room was so ing right and true. But the thing he wasn't able to take off his mind were the younger eyes, dark brown eyes filled with disgust. He felt a bit like dying, no one looked at him like that, only his father could win that stare, only his father made him feel dirtier than that.

He reached his room fast and closed the door, just a moment before a tear caressed his cheek, feeling ticklish he touched his face, when he realized what it was another one followed the first, and then another and another. He started crying uncontrollably, a heavy weight on his chest was making him feel oppressed with so much pain, he fell on his knees and covered his face.

There was nothing he could possibly do when tears came like that, he could just cry his heart out, sobbing lowly not to be heard, hugging his legs to feel some warmth, sitting down on the floor of his dorm room.

He felt so pitiful, in times like that he wanted to be hugged, and comforted but the only friend he had didn't know anything about it. Hyukjae was a nice guy, an happy one and he didn't want to burden him with something that heavy like his feelings, he preferred to act bad and make  the other believe their friendship was less stronger than before; the truth was that their friendship was already fading away because he was an . He deserved to be alone and lonely, because he was bad and dirty.

~

The following days he even tried to relieve some stress with random guys but it was no use, he was bored and annoyed by them, not even able to get aroused. He acted all cool and blamed the others for his inability of having , but he wasn't stupid, he knew he was the problem, he wasn't enjoining it, he was feeling bothered by their dirty hands on him, he was grossed out by their lips.

He rushed out of the  nth room, not being able to kiss the guy on the lips this time, it was simply too much, he didn't want to kiss him at all.  He was walking fast and saw Kyuhyun walking towards him, he looked like he was going into Ryeowook's room. Kyuhyun didn't seem to have noticed him,  so he stopped right in front of him and since the younger was clumsy he banged on him, almost sending Sungmin to the floor. He was thankful to his abs for the balance he was able to keep.

" Sorry" the taller said looking up, but his sight didn't have to go that far up, because the other's eyes were right in front of him. He looked shocked, seemed like he didn't really want to see him.

" Look who we have here, Kyu..hyun" he didn't use the nickname, he wasn't in the mood for it at all, he was bad with him, and he hurt him badly, hitting his pride so strong it was impossible to forget. Kyuhyun gulped soundly and tried to go away but Sungmin grabbed his chin " looking all dressed up and tidy, are you going on a date?" he asked, looking at his hair and clothes, he wasn't looking like always, he was somehow hotter than usual, his long sweater perfectly fitting his long figure, his tight jeans making his thighs look so tasty, his messy hair were simply too much to bear, they looked like bed hair to him.

" Yes why?" bad choice Kyuhyun, you just make me more mad.

Sungmin raised an eyebrow and pulled him closer to kiss him on his semi opened mouth " bring some of this to your date then!"  he said it his lips and going away without turning around.

He wanted to push him on the wall, a date? What the hell was that? He needed to find Hyukjae, immediately.

~

" Yah! Hyukjae are you in there?" he asked knocking on the other's door. Weird noises from inside, a door being closed shut, fast footsteps and then the door was opened, a flushed young guy, all his chocolate hair messy, his gummy smile so bright.

" Su...Sungmin why are you here?" he was protruding from the door frame, his face close to Sungmin's one. He didn't like to have people that close to his face so he had to push his weird friend a bit, just to make him stand straight.

" Were you busy...whit someone?" he asked, examining his friend looks and the room behind him. He was wearing one of his black wife-beaters, he looked a bit sweaty and his cheeks where pink, his lose pants were looser than usual and his room was a mess too. The guy blushed more, if it was possible, shaking his head strongly.

" No...I was just...reading" he muttered " so, what do you want?" he asked, his voice wasn't harsh, nor impatient, he was being nice as always, and Sungmin felt like he wasn't anyone to disturb him, to take his time, because that guy was always so nice with him and he surely didn't deserve it at all. He looked down before shaking his head.

" Mmh, no never mind" he rushed there without even thinking, his feet went directly in that direction, he wasn't a good friend anymore but he still thought of Hyukjae as a friend " I came here for no reason, continue with what you were doing" he was starting to walk away when the dancer blocked him, he was biting his lower lip as if that was an hard choice but his grip was strong and confident.

" Don't go, is something bothering you Min?" Hyukjae asked smiling again to convince him to stay. It was working, he needed to be with him in that moment, he needed someone to distract him from his thoughts.

" I'm not feeling good...I want to go out drinking...I was thinking of going with you" he said, trying to sound as normal as possible, he didn't want it to look like he was begging.

" Let's go!" the dancer answered immediately, smiling widely all his gummies exposed making him look like an happy child " give me like 5 minutes to put real clothes on " he flew inside his room again closing the door behind him. Sungmin stood there in front of the closed door, waiting for his friend to come out, he didn't think that he would have accepted like that, he was really kind, and he didn't even like alcohol that much. Weird sounds and bumps form inside before the door was opened again and Hyukjae almost lunched himself on his friend again, he was so clumsy that he looked cute.

They walked in the hallway, hands in their pockets, not being able to say anything, they weren't really used to each other  anymore so it felt strange, but still Sungmin felt some warmth inside, having him near was still something. They were already so far, and Hyukjae was still that warm, he couldn't help but smile, but luckily the other didn't see him.

~

They choose a close bar, a place where they could ask for alcohol because the owner was known for choosing randomly who to give alcohol to, and he seemed to like Sungmin, because when he went out he always brought someone there to eat some snacks. They greeted the man in the club and sat down on a table for two, ordering something to drink.

" How are you lately?" Hyukjae asked after a while, making Sungmin turn to look at him, surprise in his eyes.

" I'm just fine..." he muttered drinking another glass.

" But you said you weren't feeling good..."

" It's just...something is bothering me" he answered being vague once more, he wasn't simply able to be direct with Hyukjae, he didn't know anything and it was hard to tell him now, it was too late.

" I miss you Sungmin, I miss us " the other started, smiling bitterly "but it's ok if you don't want to talk about it, I understand " that said he smiled brightly and drank the liquor one shot.

Sungmin didn't know what to say, so they kept drinking without talking...at least for a bit, because the moment the alcohol had some effect on them they surely started talking about random things.

~

When he woke up his head was hurting so much, he opened his eyes, they were burning and the light was like a thousand needles inside them. Why the hell did I drink that much? And how did I manage to arrive in my bed? He looked down and saw he was half under the blankets, his clothes were nowhere to be found, not on the floor at least; he tried to sat up straight, thank god it was Sunday so he didn't have to go to class in that wasted state of his. One eye closed he looked around, finally seeing something in his room, the light was entering stubbornly from the window, he forgot to close the curtains, the floor was clean, not a shoe, not a shirt, his jacket was hanging on the clothes hanger behind the door, he smiled to himself, Hyukjae took him there. He was such a sweetheart, being that kind with him, his heart ached a bit remembering the words of the day before "I miss you Sungmin, I miss us", he missed him too, and even if he was just realizing that he forgot everything from the night before, he was sure they had fun.

Hoping he didn't say anything stupid, or secret to his old friend, he went directly to the bathroom to take a shower.

He thanked every god possible to be rich enough to have a private bathroom, because he wasn't in the mood to wait, or to take a cold shower or whatever, plus all his things were always there and it felt like home, the only one he still had.

As the hot water started to caress his body he finally felt better, the headache was less strong than before, his eyes, well washed, were returning to their normal color, his limbs ached less in general and he was feeling totally relaxed. Being there, like that a face came up in his mind, why was he thinking of him in a moment like that? Few confused images and he finally remembered. He opened his eyes wide I kissed him yesterday! ...he wanted to act cool and ignore him, because he was hurt, and he "hated" him, but then some alcohol in his body and he was already unable to control his feelings. Yes feelings...he remembered something else from the night before, possibly something about him telling Hyukjae that he liked Kyu but that he kept rejecting him? That wasn't real, his friend was tipsy too, so there was no way he could remember that for sure. No way.

Once he finished his shower he returned to his room, he had to study a bit so he didn't even care to dress up and went directly to his desk, he sat down and took the first book he saw. Once he opened the book his eyes blinked some times in disbelief, there was a post-it on the first page, just behind the cover:

"I hope you'll be able to have Kyu as a friend, he seems like a nice guy. Study hard for the exams. Fighting! :3 "

That stupid monkey, why did he remembered everything? Still he couldn't help but smile, he shared at least a secret with his friend, he didn't realize it yet but he was able to tell it to Hyukjae, how nice, how ridiculous. He flipped the page leaving the post-it there, caressing the back of that sheet with his fingers, he missed him too.

~