Please listen to this while you are reading! ^^

[In Heaven - JYJ] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxSmkMzLdpY

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Don’t go
Can’t you stay by my side?
Everything, a lie.
Everything, I can’t hear.
No, I love you.
Can you let me hear (just) one word?
I love you
Will you love me once more?

It almost seemed like those words I’ve always imagined out of his voice…and myself replying back, “I love you…” I unconsciously mumbled. In the black van it was silent. No one talking except my random rambling…I’m being delusional. I know I am. For God’s sake!  

Wiping away the miracle of seeing you
I won’t be able to live on
Even when I’ve escaped from every dream
The first time I saw your image
It felt like I was drowning in the raindrops of this world

These feelings just seem to linger on and on. Almost eternal and never letting go. Not for a minute. Not even for a second. Like a ball of yarn rolling down a hill, an everlasting hill. It wasn’t soon after I was shaken by my manager, a worried look on her face. Of course being professional, a nod would do. A smile appearing she also smiled back, “Ready?”

Was that a rhetorical question? 

Overlooking, I took a small glimpse through the tinted windows, there you were. 

From where am I watching you?
Forever
Even if there’s regret, there’s really no way of seeing you
Memory of a shadow
Moistness of a name
It’s there in that little memory

“Ready!” Sounding a lot better than I expected myself to sound like. As I was about to take a step out my phone rang. Only I would know who would call me. It’s been happening for these past few days. Nonchant, I picked up the phone without hesitation. “Hello?” Teasingly he replied back, “Ji Hyo ah~ How are you my dear?” I laughed at the cheesy effort. Not that I hated cheesiness, but maybe not from him…I meant the other him I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Time passed on quickly, and both of us bid our goodbyes yet again with a clichéd effort. Wanting to get out the van with confidence…could I do it? Would I be able to face him?    

I can’t do it, really can’t do it
It’s like you’re by my side
Not waiting, I’m not waiting anymore
I’ll try again to say something
I’ll try again to leave some memory
Walking in the dreamscape
In my footsteps
Afraid to close my eyes

A sudden adrenaline rushed into me and I ran out waving crazily. I smiled being cautious of my actions. You seemed to give a bright smile back and I mentally sighed in relief. Everything’s good…

Everything’s good so far…

Chanting those determined words over and over again…

“Oppa! Jong Kook oppa!” I felt the cold beaded sweat trickling down my forehead. I was worried. Nervous to be exact. Approaching you closely you messed my hair, I didn’t care about that really maybe just my emotions showed it. But I wasn’t angry. Truly, I laughed in a way you would know I wasn’t angry. We just teased each other a lot but you know how I am. You sincerely do. “We’re nothing more than friends…” I heard you say, not sure if you were dozing off giving you a questionable look and smiled once again. “Of course we’re friend’s oppa! We’re the best of friends, I consider you as one of my closet if that makes you happy~” I winked jokingly followed with a small giggle. Why did I even do that? Fake.

I was faking…that’s all. What’s more to say?

“Well I’m glad then!” You replied back snapping out of my thoughts, out of knowledge I just nodded and ran. I ran away from you. I needed to it hurt me too much I was lying to you; straight up front and you just put on a smile. A happy smile…

Don’t go, don’t leave
Can’t you remain by my side
Lies, all are lies
I can’t hear anything
Love you, I love you
Can’t you see that from one single line
Love you, I love you
Will you love me again

So fast, you have already clean forgotten
the tracks of finding you have also disappeared

This last path, adheres closely to my tears
again I inch a little closer (again it’s about the same)

I wanted to cry seriously. Having a boyfriend on my hands and acting like a high school girl stuck in a love triangle was not what I had in mind. Especially, with my work mate for two years damn it! Yoo Jae Suk…he’s the one who’ll actually treat me fairly, unlike others I trusted him. I could couldn’t I? Was I acting to dependent? Other’s would think I’m just an obsessive freak; fans specifically. Getting all pampered and spoiled sounds great doesn’t it? My fans are happy for me from what I know but then there were others: Anti’s. I’d never live it down.

It was enough with the everyday Monday concept but now everything seems to change also you…a different glint in your eye whenever we met. Morning, noon, and evening. Not a speck of happiness in your eyes, truthfully I was scared, because not only you had that different look but everyone else. It was because of me. My decisions to go out that day, a small stroll around town and then showered with blackmailing photos the next.  Would I give up my career to this Of course not so I played along but who knew it would become this big? What can I do? I liked you before but now seems like all that effort seemed wasted. I can’t. The CEO was a huge topic and the sudden disappearance would just make people more curious. Stupid paparazzi’s. If I just stayed – but the moments passed…what can I do?

(I’ve also changed)
You’re not here by my side
I’m going to go now
I’m going to go
Now i’m going to follow your path
Follow an endless path
Going everywhere to find you
I’m afraid that losing her will bring sadness

Please…I just need advice, a memento…anything…

Don’t go, don’t leave
can’t you remain by my side
Lies, all are lies
I can’t hear anything
love you, I love you
can’t you see that from one single line
love you, I love you
will you love me again

Don’t go, don’t go, can you remain here
lies, lies, I can’t hear
I love you, I love you, can you see that
I love you, I love you, will you love me

“Jae Suk oppa!” Pleading; he raised a brow at the sudden calling but smiled nonetheless, “Yes Ji Hyo ah?” I quickly took a quick look around the surrounding people. You were just dozing off I sighed in relief. Another eyebrow raised, “Ji Hyo?” “U-uh…” Stammering was not on my list either, “Jae Suk oppa please help me…I can’t – I can’t do this anymore…” Jae Suk eyes lowered, serious. “Ji Hyo…” I nodded timidly, “This is the variety world I can’t help you here…the world is beyond doubt scary. People buzz here and there wanting information from everything and everywhere. The latest news I presume. This is how stardom life is held; it was never easy. Cry and plead all you like but let me tell you Ji Hyo, no one leaves you once you are their target. There will, of course, be constant blackmailing and fan squirming but no one can help but yourself. You decided to enter this section of hell you need to know how to deal with on your own. I’m really sorry Ji Hyo ah…I’ve been through too much. You know that don’t you?” I remembered, he told me a story, once. I remembered clearly I cried hard that day and I replied back to him by nodding slowly.

He smiled sadly, “Ji Hyo just remember I’m always here to listen and give advice think of me as another father of yours, but you need to face reality. This is hell. For all of us some get it easy; some don’t us; both of us just seemed to be one of the unlucky people in this world…but once you’ve signed the contract backing down won’t seem simple, it will be hard in fact. Pestering starts. I’ve been through that before…please Ji Hyo you’re doing great so far just keep up that confidence in you. From all the young women like yourself; you are one of the well-made beings in this world.” I’d say exactly the same but couldn’t. I was choking on sobs.

 “T-thank y-you…Jae Suk appa…I will d-do my best…”

He flinched slightly at the new word but smiled widely, “Of course Ji Hyo…now go talk to him, tell him it’s time to start shooting I’ll be going first and get your make-up done people will think I made you cry!” He said jokingly I laughed slightly wiping the dried tears, “But you did,” Pouting he just chuckled, “Of course I did…but you still like him?” I felt my face going warm, “L-love him actually…” He brushed my hair gently, “One day you’ll find that courage to tell him that…it’s not over yet.” The sudden confidence brought me back to life. I really thank Yoo Jae Suk he’s really a man I would pray to go to heaven.

After the couple of minutes of stylists gathering around me, I headed off to my next location: You.

Don’t go, don’t go, can you remain here
lies, lies, I can’t hear
I love you, I love you, can you see that
I love you, I love you, will you love me

Don’t go, don’t go, can you remain here
lies, lies, I can’t hear
I love you, I love you, can you see that
I love you, I love you, will you love me
I beg you, come back to me

Don’t go, don’t leave
can’t you remain by my side
lies, all are lies
I can’t hear anything
love you, I love you
can’t you see that from one single line
love you, I love you
will you love me again

You were still dozing off and Jae Suk even came himself yelling in your ear I laughed, “Oppa? Oppa?! EARTH TO KIM JONG KOOK OPPA!!!” You shook with realization, “You’ve been spacing out for a while Jae Suk oppa called you for the millionth time are you okay Jong Kook oppa?” I mentioned gently you just smiled back and patted my back, I was never really expecting that, “Let’s go see him!” I eyed you weirdly before shaking my head and muttering playfully, “Weird oppa,” And all you did was grin. The warm feeling was back on my face…

I know I’ve been lying…

Hardship has been taken place in my life but with Yoo Jae Suk’s words I felt like the world was by my side again…I’m really grateful.

Somehow and somewhere I will confessed to you my feelings and tell you all my lies. Because I trust you too…

I don’t know when there will be a time I will break down, hysterically in front of paparazzi’s but when that day comes I’ll be more freed. I’ll be free…

Almost on cloud nine…

Consider yourself my good friend for now…but one day I’ll prove to you I loved you from the start. Just wait. Because I really do love you…

No more running away…I need to be strong.

And you’re my strength, Kim Jong Kook…

So please…Don’t Go, Don’t leave…

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Poko24Makashi's Note:

Wow! XD I actually was feeling really sad when I wrote Jae Suk's dialouge D: I don't know if this fic made any sense -.- But I hope it did, please tell me if you liked it or not? ^^

- Comments and reeviews?! XD <3