You never knew how much I loved you. All because I didn’t say anything, I never did, not even once. The day you lost your cat, I remember, I comforted you, but I never told you I loved you. It’s been a year Lu Han, a whole year, and I can’t forget, not even once. The day we went to the waterpark together, we had so much fun. I still remember clearly that you nearly drowned in the water that day and I had to jump in to save you. Or the day we went to Chan Yeol’s sister’s wedding, you ironically flirted with her, yet you were never really into girls.

The pain is just too much Lu Han, a day without you, it’s like I’m not alive anymore. Everyone calls out my name, but I won’t react. I miss the way you said it; your voice ringing with laughter, calling my name, “Se Hun.”

Where are you Lu Han? I think I might be in denial, though I won’t admit it. If I do, I will cry. If I cry, I will break down, if I break down I will never forgive myself and if I never forgive myself, I will never be able to face you again.

Lu Han, are you cold? I’m cold; it’s snowing, just like the first time we met. Do you remember? Your nose was like a frozen tomato. Remember we went to the ice brink? I remember you fell on your so many times that day, yet I never laughed, not even once.

Why aren’t you here to hold me, just like you used to; your strong, warm arms, securely wrapped around my waist while you sweetly whisper secrets into my ear? Secrets only we knew.

Lu Han, why is this world so cold, why is it so heartless? You were the one who made it warmer, brighter and worth living in. Why did you leave, why didn’t you take me with you? Without you, I just want to disappear.

Remember the chow chow, Chocolate? He’s still here. You left it behind remember? He reminds me of you, though the poor dog would probably do better with you. I think he miss you too. He’s looking out the window you know; looking for you, every single day, though you’ll never return. I can’t tell him that though, he’ll just be sad, then he’ll cry and he’ll break down as well.

Do you remember everyone? They want to visit you a lot, but their busy schedule makes it difficult. They miss you too. They said they would visit twice a year, though, honestly, we don’t know where you are. Is it possible for you to tell us?

There was this little girl today Lu Han, she knew who I was and asked where you were. I couldn’t answer. She told me to give you a hug from her when you returned. She also told me she wanted to be your little sister. I think she really looked up to you.

Your Rubik’s Cube is still here. Perhaps it’s a bit worn out, I’m sorry; I just tried so many times to solve it. I did in the end though. It was like solving your mind. I framed it, in a piece of glass, that way; it wouldn’t get dirty or broken right?

Lu Han, is it ok if I sleep in your bed from time to time? It was always more comfortable than mine, also, it smells like you. I hope you don’t mind.

I spoke once of joining you, wherever you are. But the other members told me not to. They would miss me too much they said. I can understand them though, because I really miss you a lot.

Do you remember the letters we wrote to each other? I read them from time to time. They’re good memories, though for some reason I get this salty taste in my mouth whenever I read them. Perhaps they’re making me hungry?

Lu Han, why did you leave so many things behind and disappear? I have a handful of things that I don’t know what to do about. Though I think I’ll keep them, just the way they are. I’ll let them be, I won’t touch many of them. Do you want me to dust them off for you? They’ll probably get very dusty if you won’t come home soon.

Lu Han, you never knew how much I loved you. I never told you, not even once. But the day I stood by your grave, it was too late.