I remember when I was asked how I saw my future is?

I want to reply that I saw you smiling when I ask you to marry me. I saw you in a pretty white dress in front of me. Instead in reality, I saw you smiling when your parent ask me to be your best man. I couldn’t refuse it. I am your best friend.

How could I refuse it?

I remember that time you told me you want to tell me something. I was nervous. My hearts beating almost sensing that it will break. You take my hand and hold it. Your face lowered. As if you are hiding you flustered face.

Are you happy?

It breaks my heart when you told me you are getting married. It hurt me a lot that I never got the courage to confess what I feel for you. How I have loved you for all this years. I saw you less after that. You pat my cheek and walk away while I count every step I take on the way home. I have been drinking for the rest of the night. My eyes got so puffy the next morning, I guess I cried for you all night. So pathetic, I cried for my unspoken love for you.

I probably cry for how stupid I am. I love you and I never got to say those words.

 

__

 

 I saw him and I feel like my esteem crushed to the ground. This man is so perfect, so mature unlike me, your happy virus. From my soft denim shirt and the glance to his perfect tailored suit, I want to tell him that you like simple thing. Just a comfy shirt, probably a really nice coat that can protect her from cold can make her feel comfortable. She will be happy just to watch movie with PJs and buttered popcorn. She hate plain one with all those s about less calories and less butter.

She was one of those who want comfort not look but he will do well. Besides, he is the one she will marry to. I start counting all flaws I had. How I dislike cat and how you love it so much. You made me wear the cat hats when we are in high school and since then I never escape the Cutie channie nickname every time we attend reunion and I had to  bear all the nagging from Baekhyun every single year we attend reunion as best friends. He always told me to confess to you, to own you before it’s too late.

It’s too late right now to tell you that I love you. You must be happy. I want to smile for your happiness but I can't. It’s really hurting. For the first time, I start ignoring your call. It only lasted for an hour. I couldn’t bear it that I run for the phone cause I would hate not to hear your gentle voice calling my name.

I lied for the first time, telling you that I am busy. I would hate to tell you that I am sad. I don’t want you to see that you best friend, your happy virus is not smiling that happily anymore. I regret it. I want to hold you, hug you, tie you and lock you up so that you won’t marry him.

I meet you at the bubble tea shop we loved so much and from far I saw you looking spaced out. Your bubble tea not touched. I hug you and you flinched. Inside my chest something is hurting, clenching so tightly. You smiled but your smile is so faked.

Have I lost my best friend already?

I already lost you to that man. I couldn’t bear the thought of myself losing my best friend as well.

 

--

 

“I.. love you, Eunji.” His shoulder trembled, hands clutching tightly.

Chanyeol stare at the floor, white pristine with traces of translucent droplet that used to be his tears. He felt empty. His mind couldn’t process anything but he almost had a feeling that someone is standing at his side. He turned but no one there.

 

--

 

I cried and I cried and I cried again until I lost the track. I love you. I want you to realize that I love you and you will love me back. I want us to get married and we will happy together. I want to have your child. I want you to be the father of my child. I want to wake up beside you every morning and I want to grow old with you.

 When he appear, all my dream just went into dust. Or it just reality have dabbed a portion of it on my face and I can’t close my eyes anymore. I cried for myself, Channie.

It was hard, telling the man that I loved that I am going to marry another man. I have to because you are my best friend. My eyes holding back any tears that try to escape. My hand holding your hand only assured me that I am definitely going to let go this love.

I am choosing flowers for a wedding I don’t want. I am having you as my best man. I don’t know if this fate’s joke. I cried on my wedding dress. Baekhyun was there. He was patting my back telling me that I still could back up from this wedding but he didn’t know Channie. I am afraid of him. I am afraid of Woobin. He will make sure I won’t live in peace.

I am scared but I won’t show my weakness. I will be strong no matter what. No matter if he hurt me.

I am more scared of the distance between us growing farther. I want my old happy virus back. I couldn’t erase this love. I couldn’t forget you. I just wanted you. I couldn’t function properly. I sleep, wake up and smile for the rest of the day. I couldn’t do it anymore without forcing myself.

I called you, but you won’t answer, I was worried. Really worried but then you take the call and I almost ask you to come and bring me far away from here.

I spaced out in front my favourite bubble tea, staring at the dark clouds in my future. I couldn’t see any of it. Your embrace warm feel too much compared to the bruise he gave me on my arm I hide under my shirt sleeve. I tried to smile but I knew you know how fake my smile is. No words exchanged and we just sat there. I stare longingly at you arms hoping at some miracle that won’t happen that those arms would stop me, hold me from going to him. What should I expected from you?

I love you since when? I knew it from when? I forgot it all. All I remember is that I won’t be able to tell you. 

He was mad at me for meeting you, seems like he realized that I liked you much more than a friends. I told him he doesn’t have to worry anything. I am his bride. He slapped me in front of other people, humiliating me like no one ever did to me. His hand leaving a bruise at the corner of my face and I am wondering what makeup I should used to cover it again the next day. I hate him. My anger loathed him. How did I get to betrothed with this man?

 

--

 

‘Should I be happy now that he is dead? Should I be happy that I am like this now, Channie?’ My arms were looking so translucent, now wrapping around his solid shoulder. I feel lighter than ever.

I am so happy that you love me now, so irony. I touched his face. His eyes were empty at the depth looking at nothing.

‘..but I couldn’t be happy with you so unhappy. Still, you trusted me.’ I kiss his head gently.

I walked out the room. The pristine white wall looking so scary to me just like my pristine white wedding dress now in ruined with my red crimson blood. I laughed as I walked past my parent. I almost hate them for dragging me into that hell, for separating me and Chanyeol and I stopped in front of Baekhyun. Our precious friend, he lifted his face and for a moment our eyes are locked and I knew he could see me.

‘, Eunji.’ He cursed mentally as he followed outside the room.

I chuckled seeing him so anxious. We always for able to see something other can’t. Now he is able to see me whom no one else could see.

‘Aren’t you happy that you could see me, chingu?’ I said sarcastically.

‘Eunji-ah.’ He looked at me guiltily.

‘You also believe that I commit suicide, didn’t you?’ I said faintly.

He lowered his head.

‘I didn’t’ I said making him lifted his face in shock.

 

--

 

Eunji-ah,

You were beautiful. Damn.. I almost waver. I almost forgot that you will be someone’s wife. That pretty dress. Every dollar he spent on it worth every inch of you. I hold out a breath I never I realized I held the moment I stepped into the room. I was going to say I’m sorry but you were so breathtakingly beautiful that I couldn’t speak but if I didn’t know you better. I won’t realize the dark circle the makeup artist expertly trying to hide from view and you look like you are going to cry.

I hug you and peck your cheek gently. I want to tell you that I am sorry and do something stupid like confessing to you and asking you to elope with me but what came out from my mouth were congrats on your wedding day. How coward I can be?

I told you that you look so pretty. My eyes won’t move away from you. I want to ask you, why you look like as if you are going to cry. Aren’t you happy?

You are going to marry the man of your choice while I am going to lose the woman I love to another man. When you walk to the aisle, holding the bunch of white rose and other flower that smell as sweet as you, I feel like I have been stabbed. The smile on my face never feel so poisonous. Baekhyun hand rubbed my arm comfortingly but my heart is broken to pieces. Tears pouring out my eyes.

 

--

 

“Chanyeol-ah.” Baekhyuns kneeled in front of me.

I lifted my face and realized I am crying again.

 

--

 

My hands are weak and my face feels like a doll already, stretching my lips into a smile for everyone. Woobin came, his hand wrapped around my waist while his scent linger on me, killing me. I hate how he always smelled of a particular another woman. I knew that snake. I saw how she is giving me poisonous stare as if she is planning to wipe me from this earth. To hell, I never wanted his man. Woobin only used me as business tool. He knew well my parent won’t refuse him. They never saw him beneath his suave gentleman skin and they saw him well as an opportunity to spread their business influences.

Screw him, nothing he did won’t erase who he is inside. He hates Chanyeol so much that I knew I am going to lose Chanyeol and my best friend as well.

“My lovely bride.” He murmur and a cold shiver ran through my skin.

I struggled from his grasp and his grip on my gloves tightened.

“Stop.” I mumbled and he chuckled before he let go of his grasp on my wrist.

He walked away from the dressing room and Chanyeol came in. I want to hug him and tell him that I am scare. I want to tell him that I don’t want to marry Woobin.

What could I do?

He hugged me as his lips pecking my cheek gently. Then he congratulates me, wishing me a happy life. I am disappointed, Chanyeol that you couldn’t read my heart, that you couldn’t loved me back, that you couldn’t see that I am not happy with all of this.

Inside me, I was crying all the way to the aisle. When I saw his smile I want to run. I want to escape this. I want to be free from his grasp.

When he is reciting his vow, my tears escaping my eyes making my cheeks wet. I closed my eyes and see that I could be happy if I choose to. I could… and I choose to. I threw the flower bunch on his chest and turn away, walking away. He grasp on my wrist, my aching wrist but I push it away.. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t marry him.

People gasping around but I walk with the remains of my dignity, which I manage to save by choosing not to marry him. I walked pass the faces of my shocked parent and stopped in front of Chanyeol.

This man I loved, there no smile on his face but there are tears in his eyes. Still I am mad. I am disappointed.

“I am disappointed with you. I am..” My tears won’t stop as I walked out of my own marriage.

I never feel like I am going to marry but I feel like I have been send into my own funeral with this wedding dress.

The dress feels lighter when I stepped outside the church without anyone, no one who would dare to hold me back.

That is when I feel hands choking me, that perfume. That snake. I should have known that she want to eliminate me. Between her choking perfume and her manicured fingers, she should have been condemned to hell with that man. I feel like dying and my breath shortening.

I wondered what the point for me to escapes that evil man because I’m still going to die in this snake’s filthy hands. It’s like I can see myself falling from the stairs, my eyes watching that snake smirking at me, happy at last that she could finish me of. My eyes blurred. I feel like I am almost laughing. I didn’t even manage to tell Chanyeol that I loved him. That I have loves him all these while.

“So cruel, I am going to die in my own wedding dress.”

 

--