seven. what is love?
2700+ words

Feeling the dread smell of antiseptics and watching the dull white walls around him through the corridor he was crossing was making Sehun’s head hurt. He felt a sharp pain to his chest but then he remembered. The years before, all the way up to the day they met and for mere moments everything felt a little bit less painful.

The doctor is looking firmly above his bed at his serene, asleep features and Sehun felt his heart die. Die and scatter until it was broken beyond repair. He was always the one to have kept positive. He was the one that had wanted to jump in in the first place even despite the other’s warning, even if the promise of forever didn’t exist. He had thought…back then, that it was worth it. Being with him was worth all the pain he’d had to live while being the only one standing. But now, somehow, he doubts himself. He doubts he’ll ever be strong enough.

He approaches the bed slowly, trying to make his legs hold him up the best he can, trying not to fall down to his knees and cry.

The doctor gave him a soft smile but he didn’t see it. His eyes were glued on the person he once loved. Still loves so much. To a point where it aches, physically aches.

Despair and pain claw at his insides the closer he gets to the bed, the clearer he sees his love’s features, so pale, so grey, so dead. It’s too much and he wants to cry so badly. Yet he can’t. He promised. He promised he would be strong. He said it, ever since the beginning. He promised he’d be brave and let go when the time would come.

“Are you ready?” The doctor asks softly and for a moment Sehun had forgotten about him. He’s ten inches away from the bed and something is keeping him rooted to his place. He doesn’t answer so the doctor presses again. “Sehun?”

Sehun blinks, a silent tear he didn’t know was holding falling down his cheek. He nods. And the doctor reaches to start unplugging the machines by the bed. Another tear follows the other but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t cry or scream or latch out all the anger and pain he feels inside. He just keeps still.

And remembers. The day he saw him, it was as if the world had stopped and only the two of them were moving. The room was silent aside from the beautiful sound of the most amazing and unique voice he had ever heard. Sehun never actually had heard that many acoustic concerts before, maybe none, but without a doubt this one was set at the top of his favorites. His eyes were fixated on the stage, on him, and he couldn’t look away. He didn’t want to look away. It was as if the true living definition of an angel was right there, in front of him, under the lights of a couple spotlights, dressed neatly in white with his legs pressed together. He remembers thinking to be dreaming and thinking that it was impossible to ever fall in love so fast, until the end of the performance when his best friend had nudge him in the arm as they made their way to the car.

“You have that cheeky smile on your face.” He had said with a grin and Sehun had chuckled shyly making his smile grow wider.

“Thank you.” He had answered, had thanked him then for bringing him there even if against his will which ended up being gratitude for having given Sehun the chance to meet the love of his life.

“I did tell you, you would like it.” Jongin said back, words Sehun would only understand much later. Understand he wasn’t referring to everything but to a particular thing instead.

He’s name was Kyungsoo, Do Kyungsoo, he discovered.

“He’s famous around the streets. You’re not the first one to have fallen in love with his voice.” The pub’s bartender had said days after and Sehun had blushed for being so obvious. Kyungsoo wasn’t there and Sehun only remembers the nagging and urging feeling he felt on his stomach.

“You give lovesickness its meaning Sehun-ah, you look horrible.” Jongin said weeks later looking down at Sehun who was flat on the couch wrapped in a blanket wearing horrible looking pajama pants.

“He’s the love of my life and I might never see him again Jongin. I deserve to be sick.”

Jongin laughed and rested his body near Sehun on the couch to keep him company. Sehun knew it was exaggerated to label the boy as his soul mate considering they never actually ever talked but he knew he was in love and he refused to believe he was wrong. Besides he had always kept his positive mind in the belief that meeting Kyungsoo was inevitable.

He was right.

But little did he know, as he felt anxious in ungodly levels that day, that that was the easy part.

“He’s perfect.” He said, with a dreaming look and a stupid smile, to Jongin after his first date with Kyungsoo over a plate of cold instant noodles in Jongin’s apartment.

“You’re far gone Sehunie.” His friend answered with his usual grin.

“I want to marry him.”

“So far gone.” Jongin droned.

Sehun spent all his teenage life searching for the impossible. Searching for something he was sure would never be there, something he would never reach. And when he met Kyungsoo it was like the world had opened up for him. All it took was a moment.

The machines die along with everything he loves, along with the one he loves above anything else. The doctor is looking at him with thoughtful eyes and it feels daunting. He knows he should do something, say something, any last words…just…something.

He feels like crashing down and launch himself out the window to die with him because although he promised he knows he can’t do this. He knows he can’t live in a world where Kyungsoo isn’t there. He can’t. He can’t breathe and he can’t speak. He can’t move. Saying goodbye hurts too much.

“Sehun-ah.” A familiar voice calls. It’s Jongin. He’s standing close next to the doctor who takes his cue to leave. His friend is looking at him expectantly.

“I hate you.” Sehun manages to croak out shakily and Jongin remains silent. “I hate you so much.” He says again. “Why did you do this to me? Why?” He doesn’t look at Jongin even once, curling his hands into fists and letting his despair come through his voice. He doesn’t blame Jongin. He doesn’t, but it feels like it’s the last thing he can do to let his anger out.

“Sehun…”

“I don’t want this…I didn’t want this…I didn’t sign up for this.” He reveals belying everything he had ever promised the two. He never thought of himself strong enough. The strength he’d ever managed to find was all lying inside his undying love for Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry.” He lowers his head.

“I knew.” Sehun says instead and it makes Jongin look up in wonder. Sehun is looking at him know, watery eyes and an expression Jongin can only find heartbreaking. Kyungsoo’s lying figure is no longer breathing, is no longer living and the room is unbearably silent. “I knew he would die. He told me. He said…”

“Sehun.” Kyungsoo called him weakly one afternoon after getting back from a routine checkup. They had been together for two years and Sehun remembers how deeply and awfully in love he felt. He was in the kitchen when he heard Kyungsoo coming in. When he came near him he could see how his face was gloomy and pale and it made his heart clench.

“What is it?” He asked worriedly.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Kyungsoo started, looking low at the ground not strong enough to look into Sehun’s eyes as he broke down the news. Sehun felt his chest heavy and his head frantic at his words. He couldn’t, or wouldn’t want to believe what Kyungsoo was telling him.

“But…doesn’t it have a cure?”

“No…there’s medication,” Kyungsoo took a seat on their couch, feeling drained and tired and just…fading, like an erased drawing. “but I’ll die eventually.” He chuckled sarcastically. “And it’ll be painful.” He choked a sob and all of a sudden started crying at the realization.

Sehun felt his heart break. He launched forward and pulled Kyungsoo up to enlace him in his arms, tightly not leaving way for him to break free.

Usually in the times Kyungsoo would cry Sehun would kiss him until he’d calm down and forget their worries. It would only work for so far but it was enough for the time being, enough for him to hold on just a little bit more. Only now there was nothing that could calm Kyungsoo, nothing that could promise him a better tomorrow. There was barely anything to calm Sehun down and he could only imagine how terrified and frightened Kyungsoo was feeling.

“We will find a way…” Sehun whispered into his hair and Kyungsoo pushed him away in anger.

“No! There’s no way Sehun! There’s n-no getting out of this. I’m g-going to die! I’m dying!” He choked out with restless tears falling heavily across his face. “You either accept that…” he breathed, trying to steady his voice, “you either stay with me and watch me die slowly…or you leave. You leave and you never comeback.”

“Kyungsoo…” Sehun tried to reason out, tears of his own threatening to fall down his cheeks as well.

“No Sehun. It’s now…you have to decide now. Choose hell or save yourself, it’s your choice…” Kyungsoo gave him the ultimatum although Sehun knew his choice ever since the beginning. He would never leave Kyungsoo. Never.

“I’m staying. I won’t let you die alone.”

“I hope you understand what this means and everything it implies.”

“I know.” He started to approach Kyungsoo again, enlacing him in his arms again, pulling him tightly against his chest. Feeling him, breathing him in, as if to make a memory.

“It’s not fair for you to stay with me…Sehun-ah…It’s not fair. You don’t deserve this.”

“You don’t deserve pain and you don’t deserve to die Kyungsoo…you deserve to live forever but…that isn’t happening…and it just happens that it’ll happen sooner…it’s just…it’s not fair either. And you don’t deserve to die alone.” Sehun said steadily feeling Kyungsoo weak fingers dig deeper on his back.

“When I’m dying,” Kyungsoo said against his chest. “you’ll have to let me go Sehun.” He scraped at the fabric of Sehun’s shirt on his back, as if trying to hold on to a dream, to a hope that wasn’t there.

“I-I will.” Sehun hesitates. Kyungsoo pulls away to look him in the eyes.

“When the time comes…you’ll have to be strong. I don’t want to suffer and I don’t want you to suffer either.” Kyungsoo said and Sehun felt rage inside him. Couldn’t Kyungsoo see how all of this was killing him? How just what he was asking was outraging? How there’s no way Sehun will be strong enough to deal with any of it. How Sehun started dying the same moment Kyungsoo did.

“I’ll be strong.” He lies.

“Sehun…”

“I will. For you. I’ll be everything. I’ll be with you until the end. I promise.”

“I promised to stay…” Sehun looks down at Kyungsoo’s cooling body still speaking to Jongin. “I hate you because you gave me everything. You gave me a love that I’ll keep engraved in my heart forever. A love that made me fight every fiber of my body against its will just to be with him. You introduced him to me,” He looks Jongin in the eyes. “so I hate you for that.” He goes near Kyungsoo and Jongin only remains silent. Sehun grabs his hand, already feeling cold, with both of his and tightens firmly his grip around it. “He’s so beautiful…I don’t think I ever said it enough…” He takes a deep breath. His throat is tight and he feels lightheaded. “He blushed…on our first date…he blushed and damn I fell for it on the spot.” He tells, with a bitter smile on his lips, maybe to Jongin, maybe to himself or simply to let words fill the room. “I love him so much.” He breaks down letting his upper body lean forward to rest on top of Kyungsoo’s, resting his head on his unmoving chest.

Jongin doesn’t say anything and lets him cry. Cry for what feels like hours, cry out every shred of pain he feels inside, cry every single tear he held in for the sake of Kyungsoo’s happiness.

“I want you to write me a letter.” Kyungsoo said in bed into the dead of the night on a random Tuesday clutching cutely at Sehun’s hand that laid above his shoulder.

“A letter?” Sehun asked, blinking and confused.

“Yes…A letter with everything you ever wanted to tell me but never did.” He answers playing with Sehun’s fingers.

“I don’t get it…then what?”

“Then you keep it. After I die, when you’ll find the strength, you’ll open it and read it aloud next to my grave and bury it there.”

Sehun felt his chest tighten. Whenever Kyungsoo would randomly talk about this sort of thing it irked him. How lightly he would take the subject of Sehun moving on with his life after he died. How romantically he would make sure to make the whole situation become. It was unnerving at times but then Sehun would see the pain in Kyungsoo’s eyes and he would see every dread that would cross them. Sehun kissed the top of Kyungsoo’s head for reassurance.

“That way you’ll remember me.” The older said softly, quietly falling asleep, missing the faltered beat of Sehun’s heart.

“I will never forget you.” Sehun raises his head. The doctor was already asking for him to step aside and although he felt like yelling for more time because that would be the least they could give him seeing he had just lost part of his soul, his heart…his life, yet he didn’t and pulled away, wiping his tears as he watched them take the body away. Jongin reached to touch him and Sehun would’ve held onto him and cried more and screamed into the fabric of his best friend’s jacket but there weren’t any more tears to shed nor more things to say.

It was over.

“The way you smile, the way you laugh with rosy gums showing and the crinkle at the corner of your eyes. The way you blink, the way you look in wonder, with your big shiny eyes, the way you chuckle at the easiest things. The way you focus, the way you scrunch your nose and the way you chew. The pink flesh of your lips and the deep brown of your eyes. The way you look in the night and how you shine when touched by the sun. Your dark locks fondling your temples, your lashes and your tongue. The way you speak. No breaks, no stutters unless you’re nervous. How you fidget and how you shrug your shoulders in a cute way. How you cry continuously covering your face and rubbing at your eyes, trying to hide the pain. The way your face looks when you’re heartbroken. How it makes me sad. The way you hold onto me. The shyness of your body and the kindness of your soul. The way you look when you’re in love. The way you made fall in love. The aura that enlaces you when you let the barriers down and let your insecurities faint. When you sing.

The way you sing.

The way you are.

The way you love me.

There isn't much more I can write, I don't believe there are enough words  to tell you what i feel.

I love you.”

“Do you understand?” Baekhyun asks. It’s winter. It’s been a  year since Jongin last saw Sehun. Four years since Kyungsoo died. Sehun had given him the letter, refusing to grant Kyungsoo's wish, saying he couldn't handle it, saying that he had to leave. “Do you understand love? When you love someone you let them go. You don’t make them stay and suffer. You set them free.” The boy is hugging the hot mug of coffee gently with his hands. Siting and looking nostalgically through the shop’s window.

“Yeah. I understand.” Jongin answers thinking about Sehun, about the short letter that Jongin read and left buried in the dirt next to Kyungsoo's grave. Thinking about Sehun's love for Kyungsoo, about what he had become over the years. Thinking how much he misses his friend.

“Could you love someone that much?” Baekhyun presses.

Jongin takes a moment, a moment to remember the day Sehun had pleaded him to let him go. He takes a moment to feel his heart clench and then answers.

“No.” He breathes, making Baekhyun look at him. “I don’t think I could.”

yeah, i skipped one. i'll get to that later. lol. anyway...i hope this thing is understandable ^^