“Why are you here?” Yunho asks as he stares at Jaejoong across the hallway.

“You aren’t supposed to be here” Yunho continues as Jae stares, seemingly too shocked to speak.

“Why are you here?” Jaejoong asks back.

They look around, no one seems to see them, thank god, in this tiny ramen shop at an ungodly hour, in the back corner, hidden from sight, even though there was no one there.  It was their spot, their spot that had felt like so long ago.  They both hadn’t been there since it happened….

They both stare, they don’t know what to say, and even if they did, how to say it, and even if they were able to say anything, it was all broken already, everything was broken.

“Leave” Yunho commands.

“You’ve become good at that” Jae replies, to anyone else it would sound like an offhanded saying, as if he said it on a whim, a side note to a friend, quick and subtle, yet Yunho could feel the accusation burning him, scorching him hot like an iron.  He hates it, he doesn’t want to feel it yet he also does, when has anything recently ever made him feel so strongly?  It’s been so long, so long since he’s felt something and the searing pain he feels from Jae’s simple words hurt him enough to make him remember that yes he is still alive.  He, himself is still alive, his heart still beats, though tattered and torn, though rock hard as he believed his own heart to have become, it still hurt. He was still a human being.

A tear trickles down Jae’s eye and Yunho curses his heart for reacting, sliding as far away from Jae as possible on the booth not looking at the man who stood.

“Good at what?” Yunho said, voice low and stiff, he already knows the answer.  He controlled his breathing, he bit his tongue, tried the techniques that he’s been practicing, to try and get rid of, try and lessen, or at least bear this pain he feels tearing him apart.

“That” Jae says “That tone… so controlled… you get better and better at that…”

Jae takes a breath trying to steady himself, he’s tired, it’s late, and now he’s gotten an emotional shock from seeing Yunho.  He doesn’t want to leave, but he doesn’t have enough strength to stand, so he sits in the booth opposite of Yunho.

“And you get better at that” Yunho retorts, now angry “I said to leave and you stay of course.  Always doing as you please, always coming and going, always up and down.  Not controlled at all.  You’re already crying!”

‘Why?’ Yunho asks himself ‘Why is he allowed to cry?  I should be the one crying!  Why does it hurt so much to see him crying? Why is there so much pain?  Why why why?’

“I can’t help crying!” Jaejoong shouts.  He really can’t.  Not anymore, not since it happened.  It… tore them apart, it made them break, it.

Jaejoong has reoccurring nightmares about it, about arguments, about hurting, about screaming, about fighting, about crying… he doesn’t realize that Yunho has these dreams too… and the worst part is always when they wake up, separately, and it dawns on them that it’s real.

Jae stares as Yunho refuses to look at him.

“You’ve changed” Jaejoong breaths out.

“You’ve changed too” Yunho says back.

Neither one is an observation but an accusation, and it hurts, it burns.  It burns Yunho, but it also burns Jaejoong, like saying it makes it somehow more real, more concrete.  It hurts so much they both want to cry out yet remain completely still.

“How?” Jaejoong asks.  It is meant as ‘How did it become like this?’ but Yunho takes it as ‘How have I changed?’.

“When we were younger…” Yunho says, stiffly “You always listened to me.  You always looked towards me.” Yunho’s voice became softer as he remembered  “You were so much more reserved but it was cute, I liked being the only one to give you certain expressions, I liked being the person you relied on a lot, I liked how innocent you were.  You’re laugh and smile brightened everything because it was rare yet beautiful, you were always there to cheer me up, and feed me meals even when I wasn’t hungry.  You cried only privately with me… not like now.” Yunho’s voice became harder in an instant “I hate it when you laugh now, I hate it when you smile, I hate it when I see your face, or hear your voice, I hate hearing your name…”

‘I hate it because I’m not with you, because I can’t have you’

Yunho didn’t even allow himself to think that thought, because it would hurt more and he couldn’t bear it.  It had happened, it had torn them apart, and now their relationship is in tatters, never repairable.

Jaejoong furiously wiped at his tears.  Yunho hates him?  Hates him so much that the mere mention of him fills him with hate?  It was too cruel, that answer was too cruel.  Jae let anger engulfing him. “S-Stupid!” Jaejoong exclaimed.  “You’ve changed too!  What happened to the Jung I met on my first day as a trainee?!  He was tough, strong-willed, PASSIONATE!  He wanted to do so many things!  He had so many dreams!  His smile was true, it was innocent, it was hopeful!  His laugh was real and hardy!  When he spoke it wasn’t always polite, it wasn’t always controlled, it was passionate, opinionated, STRONG!  The younger you was like that!  He was!  Not like this!  I fell in LOVE with that Yunho!  Not this robot, even now as you speak, you’re suppressing everything!  Where is the Yunho that shouts with all his strength?! The Yunho that fights for what he wants!  I loved him!  I loved him!  YOU’VE changed!”

Yunho banged the table with his clenched fist “There you go, I’ve changed!  Yes I have!  I’ve realized that I have been put in a very important position, a position with eyes watching me!  A position I worked hard through YEARS and YEARS to get.  I’ve changed, yes, I have.  I’ve become more refined, I’ve become more able to keep my emotions in check, to being able to multitask, do anything that is asked of me, because I am Jung Yunho, I am able to do anything.  It is now what people expect, and that is because I’ve worked and worked to get here.  I will NOT allow any mishap to scar me.  I’ve worked so hard to get here, and now that I’m here I would like to remain here!  Jaejoong I am the same person but I have simply learned to survive!”

“No!  Why change?  You were perfect-“

“I was young”

“So many dreams, so many, things out there that can be explored!-"

"You dream as if you're still a kid, wake up!"

No! Isn't dreaming worth something? didn't we start with just dreams? If only you had left with…”

“Don’t start that!” Yunho shouted warningly "and we are not kids anymore Jae, you know that... we have responsibilities... to our families, our staff, our fans..."

"What about ourselves?"

"We have a duty to ourselves to be the best we can be, showing our best selves"

Jaejoong paused staring at Yunho, trying to see him, actually see him, inside of him, and it was so hard.  He remembered when he used to know everything Yunho was thinking, now... he didn't.  “I don’t love you anymore” Jaejoong said, as if testing out the words on his tongue “I don’t love you anymore, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t love you anymore…” as if to himself, trying to believe his own words.  Jaejoong’s voice trembled more every time he said it until he broke down. 

Yunho clenched his jaw tightly.  His hand dug into his leg as he concentrated on breathing, shutting his eyes, and trying to believe the words.

a moment of silence passed, if only so they could both try to see if they could handle the pain, the pain of separation once more.  The pain of finally letting go, and not just pretending to let go and hanging on.

no.

“I love you still” Jaejoong cried in a small shakey yet resolutely strong voice.  “I hate… I hate you…. but I love you still”.  Jaejoong seemed to double over, his head lay in his own lap, his arms hugging himself as if letting go would mean he would shatter into a million pieces. 

“You used to not be like this.” Yunho said, voice faltering a little, remembering a time where Jaejoong hardly ever cried, long long ago.

“The you that you are now…. I hate him” Yunho says, turning toward Jaejoong “But I love you still too…”

Yunho blinked rapidly, holding the pool of tears within his eyes with all his might.

They didn't hate each other, they hated the change that happened, the circumstances that caused the actions of the other.  The actions that changed the other into directions that pulled them further and further apart.  the actions that make them look at each other and only wonder how the other is really feeling.  The actions that caused it to happen.  That caused them to be separated.  That caused this love to be impossible, to be pain.  They didn't hate each other they hated that the others ambitions and beliefs seperated them from each other, that they were able to understand each other less and less, that they couldn't feel each others pain because their separate pains were too different and to strong to bear.  

“God this is so stupid” Yunho sighs “Everything’s broken already”

“I know” Jaejoong says in a tearful shout, “God, you don’t know how much I know that”.

They loved each other.  They still love each other.

 

 

*WILL NO LONGER BE UPDATING ON ASIANFANFICS!!!! MOVED TO : http://tsubasangel.livejournal.com/