Yup. That’s right. I found myself alone in my room, laid down on my bed, facing the ceiling, focused on my thoughts.

The last three months have been tough. I think I had never spent such a hard time in my life, as I’m passing through now. It has nothing to do with school, or anything. Is just … love.

Why is it so hard sometimes?

Why can’t it be like those movies, where the girl and the boy fall in love and live happy ever after?

Does it have to be so painful when we love?

I’m just done with all this. I just can’t stand it anymore.

The ceiling looks different today. It’s blank like it has been since I know it, but it looks like the more I look at it, the deeper it seems to me. Maybe is just my stupid imagination working now.

I sigh. I sigh at the last three months. November and December were good months though, but January … well, it wasn’t that good. 

-------♦-------

It all started, in November.

Oh Sehun was an insignificant boy on my class, like the other ones. His group of friends was like those kinds of “bad boys” groups. They smoke (sometimes other things than tobacco) and they thought they were cool by doing that. Totally not my style. I hated - and still do - guys who smoke anything, drank and thought they were cool and superior by just going that way on their lives.  

I talked to them. They were my friends, like any other person in my class. I just didn’t like the fact that they did those things.

There were just only seven boys on my class, out of 28 students. Yeah. Too many girls, I know, but that wasn’t something we cared about.

That was when we (I and Sehun) started to interact with each other. It wasn’t like other people usually do when “making” friends at first. We switched glances when we passed by each other. At first, I would look away, but then, I started to look in his eyes longer.

It seemed like our eyes “liked” each other, without we even had ever talked. I liked that. Looking someone in the eyes was something I really enjoyed doing. It was like I could see the personality of her, just by only looking her in the eyes.

Sometimes, when we had some specific classes together (Physical Education; Philosophy and English) I would feel someone staring at me from behind. And I knew who it was. I knew it was him.

After some days of just “talking” with the eyes, he decided to actually speak to me. I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. It was in our PE lesson.

We were playing basketball and he was from the other team. I have to admit that I’m pretty good when it comes to sports, and basketball is one of my favorite sports.

Our team had just scored a net. We were going backwards in order to defend our field, but I didn’t. I’m the type of girl who stands on the opposite field waiting for the ball to come and then I eventually score.

So, I stood on the other team’s field and that was when he came in my direction. I looked at him, his tall and thin figure approaching my short one. He got closer and looked down at me as if making fun of my height. In order to stop him from stepping forward I blocked him with my hands on his chest.

He didn’t say a word. He just kept looking at me, but after he smiled.

Although he wasn’t the prettiest guy on my school, I liked to see him smile. It gave away that cold-hearted image of him. Not stopping to smile, I asked him to go away. He giggled, shook his head and while turning to go away he teased me.

“Shorty,” he didn’t even give me the chance to protest or tease back, since he had already gone to continue playing.

The lesson ended and we made our way to the changing rooms.

Since, I wouldn’t shower at school and I didn’t feel like changing clothes I grabbed my bag and went outside. I sat on the stairs, while the sun hit my small figure as I was waiting for my friends to come out.

I think five minutes had passed. I looked at my right and I saw him coming out from the male changing room. We locked eyes. However, he continued walking towards his destination without saying a word.

Time passed by and I eventually started coming out of the changing room before them all more often, just to sit on the stairs and wait for Sehun to come out. I think it was the purpose of it: seeing him. 

-------♦-------

It was now, middle of November.

We were more talkative now. Well, not that talkative, but we teased each other and spoke twice a day, sometimes. So, we were doing progress.

He was different, different from the other boys in my class. He had that cold image, which actually attracted me. We had this thing, of looking into each other’s eyes for a long time that only we knew about. And I liked that it was something only ours that no one shared, and only us did.

Without knowing, I was moving to something that would sure make impact on my life: falling in love.

It was lunch time and I and my friends were playing cards. It was a trend nowadays. It was how we used to spend our free time between classes. We hadn’t had lunch at the time. I can’t remember for what we were waiting for, though … It wasn’t costume for him to appear on the student’s room, but in that day, he appeared.

He and his friend came to our table.

At the sight of him, Diana smirked at me. She knew I had a “thing” for him.

He sat next to me. Since we had finished the game, I put the cards on the table, got up and asked to go have lunch. I was going to take the lunch ticket, when I suddenly felt something grabbing my jacket. I looked back and he demanded me to stay. Diana also protested on going to have lunch, so I had no choice but to sit back and play again.

I went to have lunch and when I came back, he was still there, on the same place. There were already more people, so I sat next to him but on his left. Unexpectedly he started to play with my shoe laces. That was when skin ship began.

It was fun. 

-------♦-------

Some days had passed and we still had our thingy (glances).

On the 11th of December, I decided to take a step forward and asked for his number. I didn’t ask him personally, I asked to a friend of mine and she gave it to me.

We started talking.

I need to say, our conversations weren’t that innocent. At first, it was a conversation like any other, but then, something happened that we kind of “confessed” to each other. He asked if he was special (to me) and I remember answering “You’re not but you can come to be.”

I tend to answer like that when people ask me questions which are related to the future.

If I don’t know what is going to happen, how can I answer them with a certain answer? I can’t, that’s why I always point two sides of the matter or don’t answer with a convict affirmation.

Then, he asked, “I can come to be in which way?” I knew what he wanted me to say it, but I wouldn’t because I wasn’t sure, so I pretended to have misunderstood. He kept on insisting.

“If you wanted me to be something to you…” he tried to explain, but I didn’t want him to find out that I had a crush on him.

So I answered, “And you aren’t already?”

He knew what he was doing. He knew how I felt. I had the impression that since he knew how I felt about him, he wanted me to admit it. He made himself clear in a teasing way, “I’m not referring to a friend or a colleague XD (you’re getting reduced to answers XD)” since I had no way out, I had to answer him, so I told the truth, “I don’t know. Maybe. And you?” to which he replied with a maybe also.

It meant that we had crushes on each other.

The next day, the conversations were less innocent. I wasn’t expecting it, I really wasn’t. Again, I liked it. I liked that fact that I wasn’t that close to him, but still I had those types of conversations with him.

In a “flirting” way, I texted him “One day I’ll steal your beanie XD” his beanie looked cute on him. Since he had cut his hair really short, he started using a beanie. He then decided to make my jaw drop “You steal my beanie, and I steal all your clothes. XD” I was like, Is he really on his health sanity? I didn’t know what to answer to that. Well, who would know? But, I found a way.

I answered in my way. He was playing. So, why not joining the game? That was what I did “Hahahah, it wouldn’t be easy XD” I replied. I liked to have these seductive conversations, to see who could seduce the most. 

-------♦-------

13th of December, the day when the least expected question showed up.

He was the most direct possible, as he texted me asking if I felt anything for him. How could I answer if I wasn’t sure of my feelings yet? It was nothing but a crush. I don’t know if I can say it was even a crush at that time, I think it was just an attraction. I explained that to him and asked the same. He also answered that he felt the same way that I did.

So, we were attracted to each other.

I must say, I was feeling good. I hadn’t felt that way for ages.

Ladies and gentlemen, something of a big importance happened on the same day: the creation of a bet. Yes, it is what you heard. We made a bet. If one of us scored five nets followed (basketball match only between us two), the loser of the bet had to do whatever the winner asked for. Well, I regretted making the bet as soon as he said what he had in mind.

He asked for a kiss. If I lost, I would have to kiss him. What I asked for? Well, it was a joke compared to what he asked for. I said that I wanted his beanie.

I knew that we wouldn’t be able to put our bet in course that soon, since none of us had time for that. I was relieved.

Days after it came another unexpected question, to which I had to answer no. I didn’t want to, but my feelings weren’t defined yet. He asked me if I wanted to try to be with him for some months. Great way to ask if I wanted to date. It seemed like if I accepted it, it would only last some months because it was the “deal”.

I needed to talk with him more often at school, personally. I needed to have more physical contact. I needed to have more interaction with him, not only by phone. So, I refused.

Fortunately, we didn’t stop talking so we continued until it was time to sleep.

One of the things I found amazing, was that I could be talking all day with him and I didn’t get enough of it. I was already used to it.

When we had a little argument, I stopped replying to him but the next day, I felt as if I needed something to complete my day. I needed to speak to him. I couldn’t stand being another second without texting him, so I sent him a text.

“Damn, you won okay! I couldn’t be any longer without texting you. You’re happy? Thank you for destroying my capability of being tough with people -_-“

It was that a hint? I had no idea.

First, I couldn’t stop thinking of him when he had no text messages. Since we couldn’t communicate it was hard for me to spend my day without thinking about him. Second, when we had a fight or something I couldn’t be angry with him for much time. Third, I would melt always when he said something cute or fluffy.

Could I call that love already?

-------♦-------

January arrived and things were the same, until one specific day: 12th (of January).

After telling me he was going to another school when the year ended, on the 10th, he had to announce the worst for me. I didn’t know which was worse, he going to another school, or I having an opponent.

I just wanted to kill myself, when he told me that there was another girl that liked him. But, it’s not all, he even told me he was confused!

For much surprise of mine, I cried. That’s right, I cried for a boy. The first time it ever happened to me. I thought I was strong and I would never cry for any boy, I guess I was wrong again. I had been taking many assumptions on those days and they were wrong.

I was in the verge of breaking everything. I had never been so violent when it came to those things. It was the first time on my life I felt in that way, because of a boy. I felt like the world had just settled a plan to bring me down.

And later he said he didn’t like to see other boys looking at me. Was that even sane? I mean, I was completely frustrated about the fact of having to share the race to his heart with another girl. Then he told me that? Was he playing with me? Was he playing with my heart?

That was when I realized my feelings for him. Right on that moment, when I felt like destroying my house and break everything that came in front of me, I realized I was in love with him.

I thought I had already the first love of my life, but I guess I was wrong. I thought I could call that one: my biggest love of my life. How could it be possible feeling in that way? It was all so unclear to me. Inexperienced feelings, mixed feelings …

I asked for advices. My friend told me to wait and see what it would happen. So I decided to wait.

Needless to say that, after he told me the worst news I could ever get from him, we stopped being as close as we once were before. We didn’t talk as much as we used to, we didn’t have our “not innocent” conversations anymore and we barely looked at each other at school.

Although I wanted to be friends with him, because I still liked him, my mind told me to forget him. If he liked the other girl, then I would have to forget him. It wouldn’t be easy. I was already attached to him. I didn’t want to see the things I had been able to build going way, disappearing in a blink of an eye. I didn’t want that! I wasn’t ready to face a rejection.

I tried to be the same person as before, too bad, I couldn’t. I cared too much about our relationship and he didn’t care a thing.

After much time of thinking, I got to a conclusion. The best thing for me would be forgetting him. I had suffered enough for something that would never happen.

How great is life! The first time I actually fell in love I got that, a rejection. It was not a simple rejection, but a painful, tough and with no mercy rejection. 

-------♦-------

Today, 2nd of February, I’m sitting here, in front of my computer, passing to “paper” the way, my first love headed to. It’s a fact that I still miss him, that I still like him, that I still have hopes.

Every day, I tell myself to forget him at once! How can I? If he asked me not to get further from him and if I still have feelings for him.

The problem here is that I know what’s best for me, but I can’t follow that path because my heart is not ready. I need to be strong and move on. It’s all I need now.

I hope one day, I can count to my children, the story of my first love, the very sad story of my first love.

Good days, you better come. I need to relax from love!

So, how was it? Good? Bad? So, so? ^^ It was different from my other stories, but, I liked to write it. I do hope you liked to read it. XD

I'm so sorry for turning Oh Sehun into a jerk, but well, you know he's really sweet in real life, I hope so. :) kkk 

This is sad :/ Also, I said that Sehun smoke (sometimes things other than tobacco), I hope this never happens!!!! *knocks on wood* 

I had a good time writing this one-shot, so, I hope you had a good time reading it. Comment please!!! I want your opinion about it. :)