Seoul, 28 June 2012

He told me it was his gift for my birthday. I don’t know which part of it that was supposed to be the gift. And as somebody who was supposed to receive the gift, I said thank you. But how come his facial expression changed after that? Did I say something wrong?

*

            The ‘Happy Birthday’ sign was still hanging on our wall. Food left over and the cake were already in the refrigerator, but used plastic cups and birthday hats were still lying around everywhere, making this dorm looked a bit more messy than usual.

            My Eonnies have gone to bed already, maybe they were exhausted from the surprise party they held for me before.

            I threw myself on the couch in our living room, lying in a fetal position. The TV was on, but I could not care less about what it showed. I was confused on what just happened.

            I took a deep breath while closing my eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Just like what my yoga instructor taught me. I tried to calm myself, my mind, and my heart. It was beating like crazy. I was afraid that I would have a heart attack because of him.

            I could still remember everything that he said just now. I even remembered the sequence of our meeting. I closed my eyes, trying to get rid of his presence but I ended thinking about him more.

            He called me fifteen minutes before my birthday passed. I didn’t expect him to remember my birthday and congratulated me, but he did. On the phone, he told me that he was downstairs, sitting alone on the bench across the street. The same bench that we sat on our last episode in WGM two years ago.

            I remembered his deep gaze as he looked at me crossing the street, waving and smiling in awkwardness at him. He smiled back with the same sense of nervousness.

            I saw a bunch of colorful balloons in his hands. He brought cupcakes, too, with small candles lit on it.

            With his guitar, he sang me happy birthday.

            That time, I was so touched by his presence. It was even more touching than the goguma field he gave me two years ago, because this time, he didn’t do it because he had to. He did it because he wanted to.

            I made a wish in my heart, then I blew the candles. We were sitting side by side, talking about our activity, our album, our exhaustion with our never-ending schedule. We talked about almost everything. The kind of talk that we could never had since WGM ended.

            He was still a choding, didn’t change a bit. Behind his image as an idol rock star, he had this cute side of him that I kind of miss.

            Then he suddenly held my hand. He caught me off guard.

I didn’t think that I could ever forget the feeling when he held my hand inside his. It was weird, but nice. I felt something was tingling in my stomach, but I don’t know what it was.

            After that, he told me something that I never foresaw. His feelings. His real feelings.

            He didn’t say much. He just said that he was sorry for being ignorant after we ended our ‘relationship’ on WGM. He told me that he felt something different while we were shooting WGM. He kind of knew what it was but he needed time to consider it. To made sure about his feeling. He was sorry that he needed a year to do that.

            But he is now sure. He told me that being with me during our WGM shooting was one of the best things that had happened to him. And he would like to continue our relationship. Only this time, it was for real. No cameras. No producers. No people telling us what to do or not to do.

            Only us. Both of us.

            “I love you.” Finally, he said it. The three words that I have never heard from anyone beside my parents. The three words what successfully thrilled me. So this is how it felt when somebody tell you that he loves you? It was.... awkward.

            He didn’t let go of my hands. He even looked at me in the eyes and held his gaze. Nervousness came creeping down my neck like winter breeze.

            I looked away.

            Things went by so fast after that. Suddenly, I ended up crawling on the couch. Right here. Right now. And Yong Hwa Oppa was already gone.

            I was contemplating about what I said to him when somebody the light. It was Hyoyeon Eonni, my roommate. She looked like she just woke up.

            “Did you just got back?” She asked me, after she finished her yawn.

            “Oh..” I answered lazily. I was not in the mood of talking or answering questions.

            “Why did you come downstairs for?”

            I looked at her, considering the options whether to tell her or not, “Yong Hwa Oppa came a while ago.”

            Hyoyeon Eonni’s eyes widened. Her jaw dropped, “Jinjja?”

            I nodded, “He was here to wish me a happy birthday.”

            “He came here only to do that?” She still could not believe that my virtual ex-husband, her friend, came all the way to our dorm just to wish me a happy birthday.

            “Andweyo.. he confessed, too.” I whispered, afraid that my voice would wake up my other Eonnies. It was not the right time for them to come and being fussy about the confession.

            “JINJJA!?”

            “Eonni, please keep your voice down. The others might wake up.”

            “Mian.. Geundae, did you say anything? You know.. after he confessed?”

            I stopped. I actually remembered about I said to him. But telling Hyoyeon Eonni about this might cause me some trouble. You know how bold she could be, right?

            “I said thank you.” I buried my head inside the fluffy pillow next to me, afraid of looking at Hyoyeon Eonni’s face. I expected a hit coming from her, but she just sat there. Silently. “Why didn’t you say anything, Eonni?”

            She sighed. Her face looked like she was frustrated after hearing my answer, “Seohyun-ah, did you like him?”

            “Of course.” I looked at my Eonni in confusion. How come that I don’t like Yong Hwa Oppa? He’s our friend.

            “Ani.. You get my question wrong. What I meant was, do you have feelings for him?”

            That question startled me. I never realized that it was possible for me to have special feelings for him.

            “Did you feel nervous when he’s around?” Hyoyeon Eonni asked again, tried to humanize the question for me so that I would understand.

            “Ne..”

            “After WGM ended, do you still want to meet him? Do you look for him when SNSD and CNBLUE are scheduled to perform together? Do you want to talk to him, even just a glimpse of hello and goodbye?”

            “Ne..” I nodded, amazed by Hyoyeon’s Eonni ability of reading my mind, “I even searched for him on the internet once in a while.”

            “And just now, did you feel your stomach is tingling when he confessed?”

            “Tingling is…” I thought about what I felt before, and realized what Hyoyeon Eonni meant, “Ne.. it felt like I had goose bumps all over my body. And my heart kind of pounded too.”

            She looked surprise, “Seohyun-ah, you should not answer him with a thank you.”

            “Why, Eonni? I was really grateful that somebody loved me.”

            “Ah.. you’re so inexperience in dating, I might want to slap you.” Hyoyeon Eonni sighed.

            “Andweyo, Eonni. Please don’t slap me. But why can’t I say thank you? What did I supposed to say?”

            “You either say you love him back, or you don’t.” Her volume increased, showing her frustration, “And considering your answers, I’m pretty sure that you love him, too.”

            It felt like a slap on my face. Was that it? The weird feeling every time I greeted him, every time I watch his performance, either live or on TV, every time I read articles about his rumored relationship with Park Shin Hye Eonni.

            Is it love?

            “You know, saying thank you to a guy who confessed to you is even worse than rejecting him. At least, if you directly reject him, he would not guess around. He would know that you did not like him and moved on.” Hyoyeon Eonni said to me.

            Now I realized what I just did to Yong Hwa Oppa. My eyes started to get watery.

            “Eonni, eottohke?”

*