“Right. So care to tell me why you would feel that way?”

 

They’re sitting at their couch, the TV on as usual, though the only difference is Baekhyun can hear the murmuring voice of Jongin from his room as he converses with his girlfriend through his phone. Jongdae’s looking at him with a skeptical expression on his face.

 

“I don’t know,” he finally mutters.

 

“Byun,” Jongdae starts slowly, and Baekhyun knows he’s not going to like it because Jongdae has that tone, “you came home looking like you’re ready to kill someone with your eyes alone, dragging a kid that seemed scared out of his wits, and then you told me that this has something to do with Park, and now you tell me that you don’t know why you feel that way?”

 

Baekhyun winces. “That depends on what you’re implying I’m feeling…”

 

“Byun Baekhyun,” Jongdae turns him around so that they’re facing each other and grabs Baekhyun’s shoulders, “I’m sorry, but you looked like someone whose lover had just made out with a stranger in front of them, and you don’t know what to do, resulting in that ugly expression just now. And as far as I checked, you had no girlfriend that Park could make out with, so it couldn’t possibly be that.”

 

“…what’s so ugly about my face?” is the only thing Baekhyun could say.

 

“You looked torn between going on a murderous rampage and crying your heart out. And I think there was a bit of constipation pain there, too.”

 

“I hate you, you realize that, right?”

 

“I know, you’ve been saying that since day one of our friendship. Which was years ago, if you don’t recall. But you’re getting off topic,” Jongdae shakes him slightly, “what happened?”

 

Baekhyun clears his throat, looking away. “I saw Chanyeol making out with a guy,” he mumbles out.

 

Jongdae blinks. “So? It’s not like you didn’t know that he likes guys too. Yourself included. So what's with the constipated face?”

 

Baekhyun sighs and ruffles his hair in frustration. “I’m not sure, really. It’s just that--he has a choice, you know? Like, he can choose to go with a girl or a guy. He can make that choice, he’s lucky enough to be attracted to both genders. Some people can’t," Baekhyun recalls a boy with a beautiful smile and large eyes, eyes that crinkle up into half moons whenever he smiles; and a man with a boyish face but eyes that seem too old for his age, "they try so hard to be attracted to the opposite gender, but they just can’t,” Baekhyun swallows the lump in his throat; he can’t be thinking about that, not now, “and Chanyeol can. He can, and yet he still chooses to go with another guy. I just don’t see the logic. I mean, why would you go with a guy, facing criticism from others, when there are lots of other perfectly attractive girls? And it's not like we live in a country where homouality is perfectly acceptable. You can't see it yet, but when we're adults, it's not going to be easy. I know it won't."

 

Jongdae stares at him for a moment. “I knew Park was bi, I didn’t know you were too.”

 

Baekhyun stiffens, feeling his heartbeat speed up. “That’s beside the point,” he says. , he shouldn't have gotten so personal.

 

“Oh, but it is,” Jongdae releases him and leans back on their couch. “In fact, you probably know the answer yourself,” he smiles lightly at Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun frowns. “I don’t. What makes you say that?”

 

“Well, think about it. Uh, let's see. How many girlfriends have you had?”

 

"Including you?"

 

"Funny, Byun."

 

"My whole life? Uh, five. I think?"

 

"Okay, fair enough. Now how many boyfriends have you had?"

 

"...what's it to you?"

 

"Come on, just tell me already!"

 

"Fine," Baekhyun mutters. It's not like he's betraying them by talking about them, anyway. And anyway, people say that you need to face your fears head on, or something like that. "Uh, two."

 

Jongdae nods. "Exactly. Wait you've had two?"

 

Baekhyun quirks a brow at him. "Yeah. Why?"

 

"Then why the hell are you acting like you're a closeted biual person who likes guys but has never done it with them before because of all the risks?!" Jongdae flails his hands around. "And wait, have you ever even done it before? With a guy?"

 

"Yeah... What do you expect me to do? Save my ity for my one true love?"

 

Jongdae makes a choked noise. "You bottomed?"

 

"Yeah, I have... But I've topped too. My first one preferred to bottom, but my second one was pretty much topping most of the time." Baekhyun frowns. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

 

Jongdae shakes his head. "I think I may have just heard about your life more than I ever wished to," he mutters and visibly shudders. "But wait, if you're okay with the idea of being with a guy, then why'd you reject Park in the first place?"

 

Baekhyun sighs. "By the time he confessed to me, I've already decided that I wouldn't go with guys anymore. Plus, I didn't expect that at all, and I don't want to enter a relationship with my best friend when I'm not even in love with him. That would just be insulting. Also, I was ing scared, alright?"

 

"Huh. You know, this is the most you've talked about yourself."

 

Baekhyun blinks. "You're right. It is. But it's you, so there's no harm," he concludes.

 

Jongdae clears his throat. "You trying to make me blush? Cause I'm telling you, I'm straight as a ruler."

 

Baekhyun makes a face. "That's disgusting, Jongdae. Why the hell would I want to hook up with you?"

 

"I don't know, Byun. There are a lot of unexpected things happening tonight. Oh," Jongdae leans in and smiles mischievously. "So who do you think is better? Your boyfriends or Park?"

 

"...in what sense?"

 

Jongdae grins wider. "In bed."

 

Baekhyun kicks him off the couch. "What the , Jongdae I thought you didn't want to know about my life!"

 

Jongdae laughs and climbs back onto the sofa. "Nah, I just wanted to see how far I could push you. But seriously," Jongdae looks at him and smiles. "Which one was the most special? Among the two of your boyfriends."

 

Baekhyun lets out a long-suffering sigh. "Why are you so interested in the males and not the females?" he mumbles. "And if you ask me that, I can't answer you honestly. Because I really can't choose," he smiles as he recalls the both of them. "Each of them represents a different part of my life. Not to mention they are completely different from each other. So yeah," he shrugs.

 

"I see."

 

Baekhyun shakes his head, he really can't be thinking about them now.

 

"Anyway, Jongdae. What the hell were you gonna tell me about biuality?"

 

Jongdae clears his throat. "Oh, yeah. Well, based on your relationship ratio just now, excluding all the other personal stuff, you like girls more than you do boys, don't you?"

 

Baekhyun ponders this for a moment and nods.

 

“Right. So you’re a living proof that people with biual tendencies don’t necessarily feel the same amount of attraction to both genders; some prefer females, some prefer males. I’m guessing Park prefers males.”

 

Baekhyun frowns. “But he still likes girls. Why would he go with guys if he could just steer away from all this? And spare himself all the trouble?”

 

Jongdae sighs, seemingly exasperated. “That’s the thing, Byun. He doesn’t care. Plus, peole here are getting a bit open-minded. Though it's barely noticable. And you know, the thing with you is, you care too much. You always do. And I'm guessing you used to not care so much since you've had two boyfriends before this, but I don't know what happened to make you so afraid now.”

 

I don't know if we should do this, Baek. I mean, this doesn't seem to be such a good idea. What if people found out--

 

That's the thing with you, Yeol. You care too much! Who cares what people think? They've got nothing to do with you, right? Live a little bit, Park Chanyeol!

 

But--oh, I don't know...

 

Chanyeol, who do you trust more; me or the others? Excluding your family, of course.

 

...you.

 

Good! Me too. Now grab that spray paint and you do the left side. I'll do the right. It's about time our school wall has a bit of a makeover, don't you think?

 

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say to that, so he says nothing because it used to be him telling that to Chanyeol and he wonders how the hell he became like this (he knows, but he just pretends he doesn't). Though that still doesn’t explain why he would feel--

 

“And you should probably tell him you have a for him, too. That should solve things faster.”

 

…

 

“ you,  Jongdae.”

 

“More like Park, since you obviously want to.”

 

--

 

They spend the latter half of their night watching Jongin’s box set of Pororo.

 

Baekhyun was idly contemplating mass murder with Krong as a weapon when he feels something land on his shoulder gently. He looks to find Jongin’s head to be the culprit. He can’t help the fond smile that comes naturally to his face at the boy’s sleeping expression. Honestly, he has no problems with Jongin alone. He just has problems with him and Sehun together. That creepy kid is a bad influence on Jongin.

 

Jongdae snorts from Jongin's other side when he notices. “And he was bragging about how he always stays up late. Look at him, it’s not even four and he’s already sleeping like a toddler. Silly kid,” Jongdae shakes his head and switches off the TV. “Better wake him up. He's sleeping with you, right?”

 

Baekhyun nods. Jongin's been talking about sleeping in Baekhyun's 'awesome queen-sized bed' for weeks now. He'll kill Baekhyun if he lets him sleep on their couch. He shakes Jongin gently, not wanting to startle him. Jongin wakes up quietly, blinking bleary eyes at Baekhyun. Baekhyun chuckles. “Get up, kid. Time for bed.”

 

“’mnot a kid,” Jongin mumbles but nonetheless, he stands up and hobbles his way to Baekhyun’s room, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

 

He hears Jongdae laugh softly from beside him.

 

“If only you’d fall in love with a nice kid like that. No complications at all. Besides the threat of arrest because he's under-aged, of course.”

 

Baekhyun chuckles.

 

“I didn’t. Instead, I fell in love with an idiot.”

 

...

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

Baekhyun meant that as a joke, but suddenly--

 

Why the was he such an idiot?

 

"Oh," Baekhyun lets out weakly, suddenly breathless. He has the feeling that if he had been standing, he would've fallen to his knees.

 

"Oh, indeed," Jongdae echoes, sounding way too amused.

 

He turns to see Jongdae looking at him with an almost proud smile on his face (or that may just be the bad lighting and he's actually smiling condescendingly because he's Kim Jongdae and Kim Jongdae does not feel proud of other people beside himself) and despite the panic that threatens to swallow him whole and the sense of impending doom because what the actual , Baekhyun’s chest feels lighter.

 

Acceptance isn’t such a bad feeling.

 

--

 

Throughout the whole night, while in bed, Baekhyun recounts their whole childhood together, his and Chanyeol's, and Baekhyun thinks wow, I am such an idiot. Because the signs have been there the whole time. But Baekhyun's been so hell-bent on ignoring uncomfortable things that he seems to ommit the very fact that he may have very well been in love with Chanyeol since they were eight.

 

Baekhyun doesn't know what to think of the implication that his denial of his feelings toward his best friend runs so deep it's psychological.

 

He remembers this one time in high school when a cute girl from the next class over confessed to Chanyeol and he was so pissed off at Chanyeol the entire time because that girl had been cutting their after-school hanging out session short. Or that one time when Chanyeol was so obsessed with a video game that he ignored Baekhyun for a whole day and Baekhyun was so mad at him he ignored Chanyeol for the whole week. Or holy that time when they were fourteen when he realized that maybe he likes guys too because he keeps staring at Chanyeol's mouth and wondering what it would taste like if he --

 

No.

 

How the hell did he not notice that he has been acting like an over-possessive girlfriend with his best friend since childhood? And how the hell did he not notice when he was thinking of  his best friend's lips?

 

Oh, right. He ignored those. And he also concluded long ago that it was probably due to the hormones and his new-found attraction towards males.

 

How the hell did he not realize that it's always been Chanyeol? Even after he broke up with his first boyfriend, he only managed to move on because of Chanyeol, and even after his second one, and then his girlfriends, oh god.

 

Baekhyun falls asleep that night recalling other events that are already starting to make more sense now.

 

--

 

Baekhyun likes to think that he takes epiphanies quite well.

 

That’s why the next day, when he wakes up to a sleeping Jongin next to him, and the revelations of the previous night and the true weight of it comes crashing down upon him, he calmly walks to the bathroom and promptly throws up the measly contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

 

He’s just about done when--

 

“Baek? Are you alright?”

 

Baekhyun wonders if in his previous life he had been an evil warlord who wreaked havoc across the nation and burned and pillaged villages and ate babies for breakfast because fate has been nothing but cruel to him.

 

He turns around from where he’s clutching onto the toilet bowl for dear life and gives his best smile to Chanyeol.

 

“Hey there, y.”

 

He might as well just kill himself now.

 

Chanyeol quirks a brow at him and walks over to him and kneels in front of him, leaning in as if to feel his temperature, his right hand already outstretched to touch his forehead. “Are you--are you alright?” and the hand’s getting alarmingly closer and Baekhyun does not want that, not now, so-

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

Baekhyun feels guilt twisting in his gut uncomfortably when Chanyeol frowns. “Did I do something? Is this about yesterday?”

 

Baekhyun immediately shakes his head. “No, no. Nothing. Don’t worry about it! I’m just being cranky,” he tries for a grin.

 

Chanyeol continues frowning but still nods. “Okay, I guess.”

 

Baekhyun pats his shoulder appreciatively and flushes the toilet. “Now get out and let me brush my teeth in peace.”

 

--

 

"So what are you doing here so early?"

 

Chanyeol shrugs from where he's sitting on the couch beside Baekhyun, their thighs touching. "Just wanted to come over to see you. You looked pretty pissed yesterday, and I though that maybe I did something wrong."

 

"Oh?" Baekhyun mentally congratulates himself for keeping his vocal chords steady. "Oh, that. Don't worry about it. Long days at work does that sometimes."

 

"Really?" Chanyeol looks at him hopefully and Baekhyun curses himself for not being able to look away because those eyes, and when Baekhyun nods Chanyeol lets out one of the most beautiful laugh he has ever heard and then he gives Baekhyun this look--

 

Baekhyun feels himself dying a little bit on the inside.

 

"Woops, didn't notice you guys were eye-ing, sorry. I'll just be on my way, then. Don't get anything on the sofa," Jongdae, already dressed up, carelessly tosses out as he walks to the door and goes out, slamming it shut behind him.

 

Baekhyun really needs to know how Jongdae manages to destroy his life as easily as breathing.

 

"Baekhyun? Hey, how do you turn on the shower? I can't seem to..."

 

He looks up and sees Jongin staring at him with his perpetually sleepy eyes, hair messed up as if he's been through a hurricane and pillow creases visible on his face. Baekhyun chuckles at the sight. "You need to twist the knob to the right first, and then you kinda have to push it real hard. Jongdae messed it up last year."

 

Jongin nods drowsily and blinks when he sees Chanyeol. "Oh. You're that guy from yesterday. The one who was making out. Hey," he waves at Chanyeol before dragging his feet to the bathroom, closing the door quietly.

 

Baekhyun laughs at the alarmed look Chanyeol sends him, hell even that looks beautiful, and pats his shoulder. "He saw. Everything."

 

Chanyeol lets out a noise of frustration and Baekhyun laughs harder.

 

--

 

"Baekhyun?"

 

"Yeah, Jongin?"

 

"I didn't know he was your friend. Sorry if I said something insensitive the other night."

 

"...nah, it's okay, kid."

 

"And by the way, it's cool with me if you want to bone him."

 

"...what."

 

"Uh. Jongdae told me? Was that a lie?"

 

That son of a .

 

--

 

It takes longer than he'd like (approximately three weeks) to get used to the fact that he's in love with Chanyeol.

 

But even those few weeks can't make him get used to the increase in the speed of his heartbeat and the inflating in his chest and the uncomfortable fluttering in his stomach whenever Chanyeol laughs, talks, pouts, smiles, looks at him, does that weird flaling thing with his limbs, especially when he calls Baekhyun's name, or even when Baekhyun says his name. It's like Girlfriend One to Five all over again, and maybe Boyfriends One and Two too, except this time it's even deeper, and the weight of it is even more suffocating. But Baekhyun can't find it in himself to mind much.

 

He also finds himself suddenly checking out his best friend and despite the initial freak-out that this is Chanyeol, he figures that it can't be helped and continues to do so more subtly.

 

Not that his feelings matter, anyway. Baekhyun is fully aware of the shakiness of their current friendship and he's not going to spoil it with the same reason why it crumbled in the first place, except with their positions reversed. And he's technically been in love with Chanyeol for years and he's never done anything, so why should he start now? Plus, he already decided that he won't go with guys again.

 

The risks fully outweighs the possible positive outcomes, so he decides to let it be.

 

--

 

It's raining.

 

It's raining cats and dogs, and Baekhyun doesn't have an umbrella. And it's not his fault that he didn't expect it to rain at ten in the ing night, and out of all nights, he had to get the late shift on the night it rains. Figures. He doesn't bother with the thought of calling Jongdae because he really isn't the mood for Jongdae's rant on the importance of umbrellas and the endless stream of I told you so.

 

After a few minutes of contemplation, Baekhyun decides screw it, and walks out into the rain.

 

There's no other people (as always, people usually don't dare to go out at night, except college students who goes to the stupid club nearby) to stare at him judgingly, so Baekhyun smiles and looks up at the sky, feeling the cool raindrops hitting his face and running down and matting his hair to his face, and he feels refreshed. The streetlights are on, so the lights they cast on the puddles of water formed make it seem as if they are portals to another world, a beautiful spectrum of yellows and whites combined with the dark of the stone tiles of the paved road.

 

Baekhyun feels giddy and starts humming a song his mother used to sing to him, and he walks with a bounce in his step. For once, he feel happy with a choice he made.

 

He kicks at the puddles underneath a street light and starts chuckling to himself at the ripples when he sees a tall figure underneath a ridiculously yellow umbrella walking towards him from a distance. He squints and as the figure gets closer, he recognizes it as Chanyeol and his heart quickens its pace just a little bit and he unconsciously pats his stomach to calm the ridiculous fluttering inside. He waits until Chanyeol is closer before waving.

 

Chanyeol grins at him and walks slightly faster. When he finally reaches him, he holds the umbrella out over the both of them, hunching in slightly to make space. When he notices Baekhyun's state, though, he frowns.

 

"You're wet," he says glumly. "So I came here for nothing."

 

Baekhyun snorts. "I didn't ask you to. Jongdae told you?"

 

Chanyeol nods, slightly pouting. "Said you had a late shift and you forgot your umbrella, and it's raining so..."

 

Jongdae really needs to mind his own business, Baekhyun thinks, but he just says "Okay."

 

Chanyeol stares at him before holding out a hand and gently thumbs Baekhyun's matted bangs away from his forehead and Baekhyun tries to make the hitch in his breathing less obvious. He waits for Chanyeol to remove his hand but instead, his hand lingers on his left cheek, staying there and palming it. The warmth of his hand against Baekhyun's cool cheek feels good, so he unconsciously leans into the hand and ignores anything else. Chanyeol chuckles and his thumb over his cheekbone.

 

Baekhyun grins and taps his right cheek. "What, so you're gonna leave this side alone? Ditch the umbrella, you're already half wet anyway."

 

Chanyeol shakes his head and closes his umbrella, puts it on the ground, all the while still chuckling, and palms Baekhyun's right cheek and Baekhyun sighs at the comfortable warmth. He watches as the rain falls down onto his friend and wonders how Chanyeol manages to look so beautiful  and at the same time similar to a drowned puppy.

 

"You know, you have a ridiculous amount of body heat," he mumbles out and smiles at Chanyeol. "Very useful in these cold times."

 

Chanyeol mock-pouts and squeezes Baekhyun's cheeks lightly. "I knew you only wanted to use me for my warmth."

 

Baekhyun pats the hand on his left cheek. "Of course not. You amuse me," he grins and laughs at the horror-stricken look on Chanyeol's face, the street lights casting a glow that makes his face somewhat alike to the human equivalent of the Scream.

 

He stops, however, when he feels himself being pulled forward and suddenly Chanyeol's leaning in and they meet halfway and then--

 

They're kissing.

 

As opposed to the previous one-sided drunken one on Chanyeol's part, this is gentle, close-mouthed, a warm sliding of lips against lips, moving in harmony with each other. Chanyeol makes a sound and pulls both their bodies flush against each other, a hand on Baekhyun's face and the other on his back, and Baekhyun places his own hands on Chanyeol's hips. He sighs into the kiss, feeling warm all over, and Chanyeol gently on his bottom lip, eliciting a gasp and Baekhyun tightens his grip on his hips.

 

Chanyeol slips his tongue in and--

 

Baekhyun pushes him away and sneezes.

 

--

 

Jongdae laughs so hard he falls off their couch and hits his head on the edge of their coffee table.

 

"You--you! You sneezed!" Jongdae manages, wheezing before continuing to laugh hysterically again, his high-pitched cackle long and mocking.

 

Baekhyun, while huddled under three layers of blankets on top of their couch and blowing his nose occasionally, wonders if he should find himself a new apartment.

 

--

 

They act like nothing happened.

 

They still walk to classes together, they still eat out together, they still hang out together, but none of them mentions the kiss.

 

Baekhyun knows it's for the best. He knows this, but he can't help the pang of disappointment because Chanyeol seems to be unaffected by it and still smiles as brightly as ever. But still. It's for the best.

 

And so whenever Chanyeol tells him of his newest conquest, he continues smiling and laughing and acts like he's unaffected too and maybe if he does this enough times he could ignore the regret threatening to suffocate his very being.