I was so tired.

I didn’t want to do anything. All I wanted was a nice good rest without distraction, catching up the dreams I hadn’t seen in a while.  Only in my dreams I could find my peace, smiling and giggling, without anyone to tell me what I did wrong and how I messed things up or how useless I’ve always been.

Since I was in secondary school, I’d forgotten how it felt to laugh and smile sincerely. Ever since my parents separated I always had high expectation of my future. I always told myself, “I don’t want to end up like them”. I had quite a lot experiences in dating and relationship. None of them turned out great, honestly speaking. But they all taught me to be a stronger girl and I learned that you really couldn’t trust 90% men in the earth. I wasn’t a hater, I was still normal, I liked guys. But seriously, I should really stop watching movies and dramas. No such guys I saw in the movies exist in this real world.

“Bom! Bom!! Get the door!!!” There, the voice I wished I didn’t hear at the moment. My mom, the tyrant of my life. How could I get some peace when I couldn’t even be by myself for a while? People in this house wouldn’t leave me alone, not in a good way. “Quickly!! Are you listening?!”

“I know!!!” I snapped. She really got on my nerves. I stormed out of the room and ran to the door to get the food delivery. I sighed, wishing I could get out of this place one day.

“Oi! Quickly, mom is hungry.” My brother appeared from the kitchen as I was closing the door. I handed him the food, letting him do whatever with it. Yep, it would be so much better if he was the one serving the food after all. My mom would nag endlessly if I was the one doing it. There was something about me that made her despise me much. Probably because I looked too much alike my dad? Or the way I spoke and acted reminded her of my dad? I guess all of them.

It was hard growing up without a dad. He got kicked out of the house several years ago by my mom. I had to clench my fists whenever she told people that my dad left us. I always grumbled silently how it was such a big lie. Whether my mom and brother knew or not, yes, I still loved and missed my dad dearly. It had been years and whatever he had done to us—gambled, made us in hard situations, ruined my future and lost my mom’s feelings for him—he was the only dad I had. He might not be a great person in everyone’s eyes, but he was a great dad for me. Money was our only issue. If we had money, we wouldn’t have to be separated like this. If we had money, he would still be here with me. I remembered how my mom never cared of how I liked and disliked and thought my hobbies as useless or stupid. But my dad was the only one who encouraged me, supporting my drawing hobby, and even rooting for the American Idol contestant I really liked. He had never thought whatever I liked doing as stupid. Thinking about him brought tears on my eyes, nearly blocking my vision.

Fortunately I had locked my room. So I climbed to bed in the dark. My hand roamed to grab my favorite soft pillow. I leaned on the pillow as I was lying down. I cried hard silently, not wanting my brother heard me sobbing. It was my daily routine before bed. Reminiscing the past and cried to bed. “Ethan…” I whispered softly. No, it was not one of my exes’ names. I wasn’t talking to anyone but my pillow. Yes I named my pillow to my ideal boyfriend’s name. I didn’t know remember since when this happened. But whenever I was feeling sad and crying, I would hug this pillow and lean on it. It felt so nice as if someone was here for me. Sometimes I positioned my pillow above me as if someone was embracing me while I cried. Oh yes call me crazy, but it’s true I was craving for affection, a sincere one. Something I didn’t get in this house, not from my family. The only one who could do that was my dad who I had never met anymore because of some stupid circumstances.

“Ethan, I wish you exist…” I kept crying. I could still picture my dad in my mind. I missed him. “Please, give me my happiness back,” I mumbled as I resumed crying. I bit my lower lip, sobbing. I felt so alone, all alone, always alone. If only I had someone by my side, caressing my hair as I was feeling sad and lonely like this. If only I had someone who would tell me I didn’t do anything wrong. If only I had someone who would smile and understand me, give me a warm hug, and love me sincerely, someone who would always be by my side, promise not to let me be on my own… If only…

“Help…” I sobbed. “Help me, I don’t wanna be alone like this. It’s too cold…” I hugged my pillow tighter. The pillow sheet had been so wet but I didn’t care of it as I continued weeping. “Someone please be by my side!” It was a whisper, a loud one. My shoulder was shaking as I hugged Ethan tight, until something, or someone embraced me from behind. Somehow I felt better. I knew I must be hallucinating, a sweet illusion of someone I’ve always wished to hug me like this when I was crying. At this rate I knew my bad past, my unhappiness, and loneliness had created this hallucination and I must be freaking insane I should get myself checked.

“Ssshhh… Don’t cry.” Said a deep husky voice.

I didn’t stop crying. And it wasn’t a hallucination. But now that I began to think it over, I guess I wasn’t that insane. Who? It was dark in the room but I could feel someone WAS actually embracing me. I could feel the breath on my ear. I could feel its warmth. I slowly turned around. I popped out my eyes wide. “Who? W-who are you?” I was surprised to see a figure in the dark was holding me.