You never realize how much something bothers you- until it nearly takes over your thoughts. Your mind becomes consumed with that one little detail, your skin seems to crawl with worry when someone edges on the topic, your heart starts to race in panic that it might just happen again, and your stomach churns as you pray to whatever is in the heavens above that it won't happen.

That was how Yixing lived his life; constantly looking over his shoulder (in a figuritive sense) as he waited for the monster of his past to resurface. If the edginess he suffered from wasn't great enough, he had so much more to deal with on top of that- and trying to act like a normal human being (or humanoid, as he liked to refer to his own species) was among the least of his concerns. Dreams meant flashes of the future, being awake meant flashes of his past, and existing meant living in a constant daily struggle of trying not to break any rules that he had set into place- rules that would allow the outside world to view him as just a regular guy.

Haunted by spirits, proded by poltergeists, terrorized by memories, and teased by the future; Yixing fought with himself between waking and sleeping. His nightmares- well, his memories- were all fueled by his elementary school classmates. The kids that taunted and teased, to the kids that tripped and pushed, to the kids that found out how to get away with throwing a punch to his gut- they all terrorized his waking moments as he would regain flashes of his past memories. All it took was to bump into an old classmate, see a crying kid, or viewing a photo of his five to eleven year old self, and a memory would slam into him mercilessly as he gripped at his head and tried to shake himself free of the invisible chains that still held him captive at the age of twenty-two (soon to be twenty-three). He couldn't recall what year it was, but somewhere between the age of eleven and the age of twelve, Yixing had erased his own memory. Not just the bad parts either, but all of the occurrences before he woke up mid-summer, a week before classes started at his new school. He could recognize his parents, and his brother, but when they started discussing their last family vacation- Yixing's mind halted and he couldn't seem to tear down the wall that had appeared overnight. Although a pre-teen Yixing also wasn't aware of the crack on the wall that would affect his life somewhere down the line (around the time he turned eighteen).

When Yixing was fourteen, he noticed something else unusual about himself- his dreams. Some nights, he would dream a regular dream (like most humanoids) but others, he could view the future- as strange as that sounds. At times, he brushed his "future dreams" off like he was just giving character to his deepest wish or his darkest fear, but when the fifth, tenth, and twentieth dreams repeated themselves in his daily life (all accompanied by a wonderful headache, mind you) he had no choice but to accept them for what they are. He discovered that the headaches were more prominent if he tried to deign his own course, so he followed his every movement and memorized the timing of his every word as the dreams continued; and by the time he turned twenty the headaches- that had been ferocious enough to produce tears- were no more than a dull throb somewhere in the back of his mind to remind him of their presence. He doesn't appreciate the supposed 'gift' he has, but he accepts it- because he doesn't have much of a say otherwise.

When Yixing was barely fifteen, his music teacher cornered him. Apparently the teacher had noticed something the teenager had been trying to hide and as his eyes glanced warily to the stage of the theater, the teacher's theory was proven correct. Mr. Park (the teacher) was exuberant when he discovered that Yixing could see and hear the same spirits; but Yixing hated it. He already felt so grossly misplaced in the world: forgotten past, glimpses of the future- but to add this to the mix? He still remembers crying himself to sleep that night as the realization that one of his secrets had been discovered haunted him. What terrified him even more was that as he drifted off into sleep that night he could distinctly make out his deceased grandfather's voice, "I don't say this enough, but XingXing, I love you. You're a good kid." Yet the thoughts remained that he was not; he was completely unusual, terrfying, and abnormal- he should have died a long time ago; and with that he drifted off to sleep.

Depression hit sixteen year old Yixing like a ton of bricks. His past was no where to be found, his future looked bleak (and unpreventable), and the spirits around him had become nasty and judgmental while his 'human' friends had begun to reject him and turn their backs on him. The final push into his depression was when Suho (the guy he had been best friends with and crushing on for nearly two years) started showing a romantic interest in him. Suho had been dating their mutual friend Kyungsoo (on-again, off-again) and apparently, Suho had believed that this time- the "off" was for good; so naturally Yixing believed him and started to go along with Suho. A few dates, stolen kisses, and being slammed into a wall as the other's tongue was jammed into his mouth (not that Yixing could bring himself to protest) later, Yixing found out from Kyungsoo that "Just last week Suho took me back again!" Yixing could feel his blood run cold as he congratulated his friend. After Kyungsoo had turned to whoever it was on his other side, Yixing found himself giving a lame excuse and wandering to the theater. A small part of him hoping that the spirits of the kids who played tag were playing at the moment.

Seventeen year old Yixing found his back slammed against yet another wall as his friend (were they still friends?), Chanyeol, tried to talk some sense into him. He could numbly recall as the other lifted his wrist and shook it loosely. The scars, burns and fresh cuts all brilliant against his pale skin. Yixing just shook the other off, "It feels good and it never changes. I know I can feel good if I have that- if I have this." He could still vaguely remember Chanyeol pulling the razor out of his hand and throwing it away before slapping him, hard. Yixing could remember- because he had to live it twice. The sobering effects that his friend's eyes had on him nearly freaked him out- how could someone- who only claimed to be weak- truly see how weak Yixing had been?

Eighteen, and on graduation day. His cap and gown had already served their purpose and his diplomma was nestled securely in his car- but he had been called back to the graduation field. The rain was just starting, but Yixing knew by how fast it was falling already that it wouldn't be a light rain for long. It took everything in him not to run when his eyes landed on Suho, though. He vaguely recalls the conversation being another rekindling their friendship, but how that changed to Suho asking if he'd ever kissed anyone in the rain before would be a mystery. Although how the conversation turned to Yixing's back pressed against he cold metal of the lamp post while Suho pressed against him was a bit easier to remember- because no transition existed. Yixing had responded simply enough, "No, I've never kissed anyone in the rain." And his fate was sealed- and so another night went by as he cried himself to sleep.

Then came nineteen and Yixing was in college and he began writing. He thought nothing of the unusual topics he chose, nor how dark some of his pieces became, but what he did notice was the constant edginess his new friends and even his roommates took on- it was a suicide watch. They had him on suicide watch because he was supposedly 'displaying symptoms of returning to a depressive and suicidal state.' Yixing scoffed as he read the report on himself and told the moron of a counselor off, " If you think this is depressing and suicidal, you should have seen me when I was sixteen." The words fled his lips accompanied by a scornful laugh- did anyone really give a about him?

Then he was twenty, still in college, still on suicide watch, and just broken up with his cheating boyfriend- Chen. He was twenty and his happy family was broken. He was twenty, and his father had cheated on his mother (with the church secretary- go figure) and to save his small family from completely busting at the seems, he released his dreams, his passion, and returned home. Ignoring the crude remarks from his family as the time passed, Yixing continued to cry himself to sleep; taking solace in three things- singing, dancing, and writing.

Now, at twenty-two, Yixing looked back at everything he had written, every song he had sung, every dance move he perfected- and noticed the pattern (especially in the written works). He was haunted and broken, he stopped believing in love for himself while giving love to every character he attempted, he hated himself and regretted his past- and those damned headaches had become stronger again. He was still too weak to fight those 'premonition' dreams he had; and as he became more forgetful with every passing day he became terrified that he may one day lose even more memories than he has already; and although the spiritual activity has died down considerably- in his writing it all stands out. Some have been posted online as fiction (although he honestly based them off of his life experiences) and others were sitting on his desktop, just waiting for their chance to be read- but they all contained pieces of him. Even the piece about his co-worker, Kris (whom he so delicately re-named), hitting on him and how he continued to turn the guy down (which the thick-headed moron has yet to comprehend)- that contains a piece of him and his insecurities as well.

One thing is for sure though, despite how much everything bothers Yixing- he's become a much better actor. The depression is always below the surface (although not nearly as terrifying as it was a few years ago) but his acting has become much more convincing. If he's honest, he can't even begin to tell you what his real smile looks like- but he knows, verbatim, the next sentence that will come out of your mouth (and if he's to really be honest, that scares him more than his depression).