Jiyong is hugging himself tight. His twin brother is peacefully lying down in front of him. If only there’s no oxygen mask on his face, Jiyong would probably think that Jae is just sleeping. But just seconds earlier, he heard the diagnosis. Acute. Oxygen level. Monitor. Medication. Stabilize. Jiyong’s brain highlighted some words and forgot the rest. Luckily Seunghyun was there, luckily Seunghyun was listening. The doctor is still explaining Jaeyong’s condition to Seunghyun outside. The two brothers are left alone in the room amongst the sound of the steadily beeping heart monitor.

Jiyong reaches out, slowly grasping his brother’s hand. It feels heavy, lifeless. There’s no reaction. His heart aches, subconsciously gripping the hand tighter.

“He’s sedated now but he’s going to be fine,” Seunghyun’s voice approaches him.

Jiyong exhales. His heart is still heavy.

“They just need to monitor him for 24 hours. But the doctor said he’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah?” Jiyong keeps his gaze on his brother. Wishing the red-haired man would answer him instead. The man lying in front of him stays still. His chest is rising and falling steadily.

“Do you need anything?” Seunghyun rests his hand at the small of Jiyong’s back, subconsciously making meaningless circles.

“I need to breathe,” Jiyong suddenly draws in stuttered breath. He turns to look at Seunghyun.

“Follow me,” Seunghyun instinctively grabs the shaking hand next to him. Pulling the worried man out from the room.

Jaeyong is going to be okay. Seunghyun is not sure that Jiyong will be.

Jiyong doesn’t know where Seunghyun is taking him. He only sees the white sneakers in front of him confidently pacing their direction. His eyes blurs when the tears pool, he blinks once and feels them rolling down his cheeks. He lets the strong hands tugging him forward and around the foreign corners- Jiyong wants to be anywhere else but in that room.

Seunghyun gently pulls Jiyong’s hand as they climb up several flights of stairs. He can only think of a place when Jiyong said he needed to breathe. The place where he goes to whenever he misses home or when he feels things start to get overwhelming.

“We’re here,” Seunghyun stops when their feet start to walk on gravels. He lets go Jiyong’s hand and starts walking towards the railings. Jiyong looks up and in front him is the amazing spectacle of Seoul’s night skyline- thousands of flickering city lights. The pseudo stars are twinkling, imitating the ones shining brightly above them. And not a sound. No annoying car horns. No sound of the hustle and bustle of Seoul. Just the whisper of chilly wind in their ears, caressing their cheeks. Jiyong can almost hear his own heartbeat.

“The rooftop,” Jiyong smiles weakly.

“Yeah. I love rooftops.” Seunghyun’s reply rolls off his tongue like an automatic response.

Both Jiyong and Seunghyun are lost in their own serenity. Momentarily shutting out what just happened earlier. Jiyong needs to breathe. Seunghyun needs to calm his heart. They both need to let this simmer for a while.

“I’m sorry for dragging you back to work,” Jiyong leans forward against the railings; his fingers are clasping the cold steel.

“I’m not working right now. And you’re not dragging me.”

Jiyong smiles. Seunghyun sees him at the corner of his eyes. Both are still transfixed by the view before them.

“Jaeyong is a dickhead. You know that right?”

Seunghyun doesn’t know how he should respond- he doesn’t really know the red-haired man well enough to either agree or disagree. The sentence lingers between them.

“When he doesn’t paint, he parties. Work hard, party harder. Screw the heart, just faster.”

“Are you sure you guys are related?” Seunghyun chuckles.

“We get that a lot actually,” Jiyong grins back. His worries suddenly melt away. Seunghyun made him smile.

“He’s like…”

“My evil twin. I know. But he’s a part of me. I’m a part of him. From womb to tomb, he said.”

“What does it feel like? To have a twin.” Seunghyun genuinely wants to know.

“You have a sibling right?”

“Noona.”

“Imagine her at the same age as you are today.”

“Scary.”

“Most people would think so, but I can’t imagine my life any other way,” Jiyong smiles softly. His vision is still immersed in the breathtaking view.

Seunghyun nods. Remembering back to his second year subject studying patients' psychological behaviors. He learnt that twins are connected in ways beyond any textbook can ever explain. He witnessed one of his young patients’ twin refused to leave her other half because she felt the pain too. They shared a womb, a connection closer than any blood related sibling would ever be.

“May I ask you what happened to Jaeyong? You said this happened before.”

“We grew up in the wrong neighborhood. The typical story of kids getting into trouble I guess. But in our case, Jae never really got out.”

Jiyong shoves his hands back into his jeans. Still leaning against the railing. Seunghyun focuses his full attention him- giving him a reason to trace Jiyong’s softening facial features under the faint lights on the rooftop.

“Jae was born with the condition. He has asthma since we were babies. I remembered him hating it because it meant that we couldn’t play around with other kids. But when we’re a bit older, we used that as a reason to skip school sometimes.”

Seunghyun observes the fond memories glinting on Jiyong’s eyes. A nostalgic smile is present on his face.

“And then he started drawing. It calmed him. He didn’t really get any episodes since then. And he’s been drawing ever since. We moved to Seoul because it meant more opportunities for him. But it also meant more partying. More alcohol. More drugs.”

“Drugs,” Seunghyun concludes.

“Yeap. It got out of control one night. We were all high and it was a dare. I told him not to take the hit but he wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Jiyong…”

“He said he’s okay since he hadn’t got any symptoms since we were in college. That was the first time I saw him not breathing. It felt like I’m dying with him.” The smile disappears; all that’s apparent now is deep lines on Jiyong’s forehead as his brain is trying to recall the nightmare.

“You don’t have to tell me this.” Seunghyun’s request goes unnoticed.

“They say that life flashes before your eyes before you died. And it did. I saw my life without him and I’ve never felt such pain. I’d rather-”

“Stop.” Seunghyun’s hand gently touches Jiyong’s cheek.

The other man turns facing Seunghyun, the cold cheek is pressing against the warmth radiating from the gentle hands.

“But he’s fine now. He’ll be okay,” Seunghyun smiles at him. His hand still resting on the other man’s cheek.

Suddenly, his surrounding is filled with Jiyong. Trembling hands around his waist. Lush blonde hair tickling his neck. A soft sob is muffled on his chest. His personal space is invaded, but Seunghyun doesn’t mind. Gently he runs his hands up and down Jiyong’s back, letting the shaking shoulder calms. Seunghyun can’t help but to rest his cheek on top of Jiyong’s head. Drawing in the scent that has become so familiar and irreplaceable. This soothes him. And he doesn’t mind getting used to this.

When Jiyong finally calms down, he doesn’t let go. Seunghyun lets him stay there- their bodies pressing against each other. Jiyong circles his hands tighter, Seunghyun reciprocates.

“Thank you.” Jiyong mumbles against the chest.

“Don’t mention it.”

It was supposed to be a simple express of gratitude. One person is thanking the other for being there for him. The hug gets closer as the night grows colder, neither wants to let go. Both are content in this moment. And they both silently agree- whatever this is, it is what they both need at this very moment. Definition is unnecessary when action has spoken the loudest.

***

Seunghyun wakes up to the sound of his mobile phone ringing. Cursing as he frantically searches for his iPhone on his bed, tossing his pillows aside and finally finds it wedged between the mattress and the headboard. He panics- he must be late for his shift and the hospital is looking for him.

“Hello?"

"Hyung! Daesung here! Can you open the door? My hand is kind of hurting from knocking..."

Oh, right. Today is his day off. He asked Daesung if he could stop by early to help him sort out some furniture that are coming in today.

"Oh my god- yes! So sorry, I'll buzz you in!"

"I'm actually in front of your door."

"I'm running," He literally leaps out from his bed. Still half asleep when he fumbles his way through the apartment to let his cousin in.

"Hyung!" Daesung's cheerful voice greets him as he opens the door. And unexpectedly, Jiyong is standing just behind Daesung. Holding a pie. From the aroma, it is apple, cinnamon and freshly baked.

"Ji!" Seunghyun completely ignores his cousin standing right in front of him.

"Hi! I was just going to leave this for you." Jiyong can’t help but to hold back his smile looking at Seunghyun in his pajamas.

"Oh, wow. Thanks! You shouldn’t have." Seunghyun replies short as he is mentally slapping himself for wearing the baby-blue pajamas dotted with fluffy-cloud prints to sleep. 

“And hello to you too, hyung.” Daesung snickers cheekily as he lets himself in.

“This is thank you. For last night.” Jiyong hands over the pie.

Seunghyun’s hands brushes against Jiyong’s when he is accepting the warm ceramic dish. His heart still hasn’t calmed from the phone call earlier and now, it feels like his heart is pounding hard beneath his ribcage- his heart rate tripled in a matter of seconds.

“I have to go to the hospital now. I’ll see you later?”

“I’m just a door away,” Seunghyun slips the reply as an effort to make Jiyong smile. And he does, his amused expression tickles Seunghyun’s heart.

Jiyong waves his hand to Daesung who’s already eating an orange inside the apartment and he bows slightly towards Seunghyun.

“Thank you for last night?” Daesung giggles as soon as Seunghyun closes the door behind him.

“It’s not what you think okay? It’s his brother.”

“Brother!?” Daesung almost chokes on his orange.

“Twin brother. He passed out.”

“What?!”

“Jiyong has a twin brother,” Seunghyun puts the pie on his kitchen counter and proceeds to grab a kitchen knife and cuts a slice.

“And he was unconscious when we found him last night, so I did CPR and all that. Went to the hospital too,” Seunghyun starts eating the pie. Not realizing that he’s actually really hungry. It’s already 10AM.

“Okay. Let me get this straight. Jiyong has a twin. The twin passed out. You two went to the hospital. And he baked you a pie.”

“Yep. He did. A very delicious pie too.” Seunghyun is his fork, getting ready to cut the second slice.

“And he didn’t laugh at your pajamas.”

“Shut up.”

“Hyung?”

“What!” Seunghyun is focused on his second serving already.

"You like him, don't you?"

"He's a nice guy, Dae. He's showed me around the neighborhood. And you told him to! Remember?"

"Hyung, come on. You know what I mean!"

Seunghyun doesn't answer. He has his mouth full of the delicious warm apple pie that Jiyong baked for him. And his heart is full with the image of Jiyong’s smiling face just now. Today can only get better from here, he knows it.

***

“Hyung, why do you have to buy a lot of furniture?” Daesung huffs as he lays his back flat on the living room floor.

“Because your dad got me this huge space to fill up remember?”

“Yeah, but why do you have to get them all delivered on the same day?”

“It’s my only day off this week!” Seunghyun flops himself next to Daesung. He carries two bottles of water, resting one on top of Daesung’s stomach.

Seunghyun lets the cool water quench his thirst slowly. They’ve been assembling furniture (two book shelves, two nightstand desks and one shoe rack) and arranging them around the apartment all morning. It’s an amazing feat actually, to be able to finish it all before the sun disappears from the sky.

“What time is it?” Daesung sits up, he gulps the water greedily.

“Almost 5. Why?”

“. I have to go pick up Minzy.”

“Looking like that?” Seunghyun gestures to the sweat-drenched tshirt Daesung is wearing.

“Well I don’t think her classmates will mind and actually, they’re quite cute…”

“And underage, too.”

“Relax, hyung. I don’t go for younger girls.” Daesung’s eyes twinkle wickedly.

“Oh, wow, Daesung. I was not expecting that answer.” Seunghyun chuckles.

Daesung grins as he stands up, “Let’s save that story for another time. And maybe by then, you will also have another story about a certain attractive neighbor?”

Seunghyun slumps his head in defeat, he sighs.

“I’ll call you later, hyung!” Daesung shouts as he grabs his keys and walks towards the door.

Seunghyun finishes the rest of his water. Tossing the empty bottle aside as he succumbs to his fatigue- lying on the floor and observing the ceiling. His thoughts drift to a certain someone who has been occupying not just mind, but also his heart lately. He allows his mind to wander further, reminiscing the pleasant weight on his shoulder in the elevator last night. Jiyong yawned as he’s resting his head on it. Seunghyun slowly tilts his own head towards his shoulder, mirroring the action. He smiles. Seunghyun is accepting the reality now. He is falling. And it’s not slow and steady. It is rather hastily and clumsily. This is very unlike him, allowing himself to go forward without meticulous calculation for the most possible outcome. But then again, how was he supposed to think straight when Jiyong’s face is all he could think about from the moment he opened his eyes to the slumber seconds before he fell asleep?

Suddenly, his memory rewinds back to Jiyong’s words on the hospital rooftop last night. “Jae has a condition. We couldn’t play like the other kids. We used it as a reason to skip school. Jae is the reason why we moved to Seoul. He’s a part of me and I’m a part of him.”

Seunghyun cannot help but to wonder- how long have Jiyong been living his life for his brother?

There’s a slight concern pulling on Seunghyun’s heartstrings. Unfortunately, he knows that feeling of living your life for someone else all too well. It took death to convince him to start walking his own path. Hopefully Jiyong won’t have to go through such heartbreak to realize that.

But what about Jaeyong? He can imagine Jiyong asking him back in his head. Is it possible to have Jiyong all for himself? Seunghyun blinks at the question. His logical side of the brain shouts the question clearly. Selfishly admitting to himself, he wants Jiyong.

He exhales a long drawn out sigh as he sits up. Concluding to let the question simmer for now. Probably a shower will be a good idea. His dirty shirt is starting to stink. He needs to take a shower and then makes a quick stop at the convenience store downstairs for his favorite ramen. He takes off his tshirt, crumpling it into a ball and throws it into the laundry basket in front of his bedroom door.

“Score!” Seunghyun lifts both his arm victoriously when the old ragged tshirt dives straight into the basket. He does a little victory dance too. Not caring about the fact that he’s a 25-year-old man currently dancing in the middle of his apartment with only his faded-blue jeans on and no music. Too bad he has to stop his hip-ing movements, someone is knocking on his door. Daesung must’ve forgotten something.

Seunghyun’s face turns crimson red when he finds that it’s not Daesung standing on the other side of the door.

“Jiyong!”

His neighbor is standing in front of him- eyes wide, lips caught between his teeth- holding back his laughter for the second time today

“I thought you were Daesung!” Well, it’s too late now. Seunghyun is answering his door, shirtless. It’s not like he can slam the door shut all of a sudden because, well, it’s Jiyong.

“I was, um,” Jiyong’s eyes trails down Seunghyun’s sweat-glistened pectoral, “Am I interrupting something?”

“No. I was just-“ Be coherent, Seunghyun. “Making bookshelves and stuff.” Okay, that’s a lie. Daesung assembled it, you were just reading the instructions to him.

“Oh, do you need help?”

“No no no no no no! No. It’s done. I was just about to take a shower.” Too many ‘No’s’, you idiot.

Jiyong nods.

“How’s Jae, by the way? Oh, would you like to come in?” Seunghyun diverts the topic.

“Jae is doing much better, actually. And that’s why I’m here. I feel like I owe you big time for what you did with Jae. So, maybe I can cook you dinner as a proper thank you?”

Seunghyun’s face lit up- he realizes that he’s starting to lose control over his expressions whenever he’s around Jiyong. And this is certainly one of those moments.

“As long as you’re not asking me to cook you a wild boar or something.”

Seunghyun chuckles, “I’ll eat whatever you cook for me. I’m starving.”

“Good. I’ll see you in an hour?”

“An hour. And I will bring dessert, if that’s okay.”

Jiyong smirks as he’s nodding; Seunghyun clutches his door handle tighter without realizing it.

Right after he clicks the door shut, he leans his forehead against the door. Shaking his head in defeat, “Here we go.”

***

“It’s open!” Seunghyun hears Jiyong’s reply after he knocked on the door.

He lets himself in, greeted by the hearty aroma of something delicious cooking from the kitchen. He knows this smell but he can’t remember where or when he recognized it from.

“Hey Seunghyun! I hope you like pumpkin soup and roast chicken,” Jiyong chirps in between him opening the oven and checking on meat’s tenderness. He has his back facing Seunghyun.

Pumpkin soup. The first non-Korean meal his mom cooked when they just arrived in the States all those years ago. He recalls the foreign taste on his tongue when he first tasted it but the creamy sweetness won him over. And he can’t forget the smile on his mother’s face when he requested for seconds. And thirds.

“I love pumpkin soup,” Seunghyun walks to the kitchen, putting the dessert he promised earlier on the counter.

For a few seconds, he sees Jiyong immersing himself in his elements. Amongst the pots and pans, the boiling soup and the crackling bacon bits on the pan. Jiyong swipes the back of the soup ladle lightly with his little finger and then puts it into his mouth. Swiftly he shifts to the left, pinching a little bit of salt with his thumb and index finger. Sprinkling it over the soup, with his pinky still inside his mouth, stirring the pot gently. Seunghyun sees Jiyong moves around the kitchen so fluently, it feels like it’s choreographed.

“You bring dessert?” Jiyong wipes his hands with the cloth casually slung on his shoulder.

“Sorta,” Seunghyun answers timidly.

Jiyong starts laughing when he sees what Seunghyun meant by dessert.

“I bet this tastes delicious,” Jiyong picks up the familiar ceramic dish. Unwraps the foil that’s covering it. Half of the apple pie that he’d baked for Seunghyun this morning is still there.

“So delicious, I couldn’t help myself and ate a few slices already.”

“And ice cream,” Jiyong points at the tub next to it.

“Apple pie and vanila ice cream,” Seunghyun nods excitedly, like a little child who’s giddy over the promise of desserts after he eats his greens.

“Best served chilled,” Jiyong quickly deposits them in the fridge and then continues his work in the kitchen.

“Everything smells really nice, by the way.” Seunghyun sits himself on the stool near the kitchen counter. Still observing Jiyong taking out the roast chicken from the oven- perfectly golden-crusted.

“It's been a while since I cook for someone else, you know,” Jiyong turns off the stove, grabs two bowls and half-filled them with the thick rich yellow soup. He reaches for a spoon and picks up several bacon bits from the pan, dropping them gently on top of the steaming liquid.

“Jaeyong doesn’t come here often?” Seunghyun asks as Jiyong puts the bowls of steaming soup in front of him.

“He used to, but not anymore since he started living with that guy.” Jiyong smiles softly even though his sentence is heavily laced with bitterness.

“Boyfriend?”

“He said it’s his agent.” Jiyong shrugs. His answer is indifferent.

Seunghyun doesn’t want to press the issue further. Silently, he starts to dig into his soup. The velvety texture coats his tongue instantly, the sweet and creamy with bits of salty bacon amongst it.

“Wow, Ji. This is-“ Seunghyun’s eyes widened, his mouth trying to find the right compliment to say.

“Good? Bad? Disgusting?” Jiyong sits across from him, waiting for the verdict.

“Good. Definitely good,” Seunghyun sees Jiyong’s cheeks flushed.

“That’s good.”

They smile at each other and focus their concentration back to their soup. Seunghyun eats his soup as if it’s a precious treasure while his brain entertaining the thought of Jiyong does this more often for him. Spoiling him daily with lunch boxes and dinner for two. Seunghyun smirks to himself at the thought. Not realizing that Jiyong barely touches his own soup. His eyes busy studying the delicate movements Seunghyun does- how he holds his spoon (in between his middle and ring fingers), making sure that there’s bacon bits in every spoonful he eats and that smirk- something sways in Jiyong’s chest every time he smirks.

Jiyong takes the roast chicken next and skillfully carves it. The mouth-watering aroma attacks Seunghyun’s nose immediately. Observing Jiyong as he once again dances his way around the kitchen- taking the salad from the fridge and drizzling it with the dressing.

“This dressing is my mom’s secret recipe,” Jiyong looks up from the big bowl full of greens and reds.

“I bet it’s delicious,” Seunghyun leans his body forward.

“Well, you tell me,” Jiyong picks up a few salad leaves with a fork and feeds them to the man sitting in front of him.

Seunghyun forces his mouth to keep chewing, anything to distract him from the fact that Jiyong just fed him just now, “It’s nice.”

“Umm, you got something-“ Jiyong swipes his thumb lightly on the side of Seunghyun’s lips.

And Seunghyun freezes- the slight touch sends shivers down his spine. He clenches his jaw and stops chewing.

“Thanks,” Seunghyun is not really sure why he’s thanking Jiyong but his head is muddled and that’s the only response he can give.

The silence that follows as Jiyong prepares their dinner makes Seunghyun nervous- it is obvious that Jiyong is feeling the same way. Seunghyun keeps reminding himself that he’s a grown man. And that it is normal for a grown man to flirt. Completely and perfectly normal.

“When can Jae leave the hospital?” Seunghyun tries to fill the silence.

“They said he can go home tomorrow,” Jiyong sits back across from Seunghyun. Their dinner is served.

“Do you want to go together tomorrow morning? I can pick you up.” Seunghyun is now positive that his brain has ceased to work too when he’s around Jiyong. I can pick you up. Nice going, Seunghyun.

“Pick me up?” Jiyong snickers, the giggling sound instantly melts Seunghyun’s anxiety. This sound is strangely calming, unexpectedly addictive.

“I’m only 5 steps away but technically, yeah, pick you up,” Seunghyun attempts to salvage his reply earlier.

“Sure. I would love to be picked up by you,” Jiyong grins again, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

Seunghyun somehow manages not to lunge forward and kiss Jiyong at the sight. Barely. “Okay. 8AM?”

“7.30? I want to show you something. If you don’t mind.”

“I’ll pick you up around 7.29 then.”

“I’ll be ready at 7.28,” Jiyong scrunches his nose as he retorts back.

This time Seunghyun gives in, he reaches over and gently pinches Jiyong’s nose, “Fine. You win.”

Jiyong is still giggling when Seunghyun finally retracts his hand back- unsuccessfully trying to focus on his food. Seunghyun is eating his dinner, but he can hardly recognizes the flavors in his mouth. His heart demands his full attention- it is doing back flips and somersaults in his chest. He cannot wait until 7.28AM tomorrow morning.

=====