“We are coming over to your house in an hour”

“Why? Who’s ‘we’?”

“Because you’ve been looking like a miserable sap this past couple of weeks. And Chaerin is ignoring me. Just me and soju. You have food?”

“I have kimchi and bacon. Why are we getting drunk?”

“It’s Sunday tomorrow. You don’t need a reason for a hangover on Sunday morning.”

Seunghyun tosses his phone back on the couch after reading Seungri’s reply. Looking around at his surrounding. Not making any effort to clean up his house- some dirty plates are stacked up in the sink, his laundry is still waiting to be washed and his dining room table filled with stacks of books on it. Maybe Seungri was right; maybe he is turning into a miserable sap. And maybe alcohol will help him sleep a little better tonight.

Ever since he ended the call that night, Seunghyun can’t help but to feel empty. He woke up the next day feeling void, like something was missing. And something was, someone was- Jiyong. He stared at his phone for the longest time, contemplating whether he should make another phone call or not. Maybe he could convince Jiyong that it was just a bad dream and that Seunghyun didn’t mean what he had said. “And then spend the rest of your days competing against someone irreplaceable.” And slowly, the conversation replayed in his head with so much clarity that it felt as if Jiyong was lying next to him, crying and pleading.

Seunghyun grabs his phone again, tapping on the screen and automatically goes to his inbox- he taps on Jiyong’s name. After that last phone call, Seunghyun still hasn’t got the courage to call Jiyong again. He’s sent ‘I miss you’ a few times before he fell asleep- during the nights when he couldn’t think of anything else but Jiyong, when he couldn’t think of anything else to write. He was anxious at first, not knowing how Jiyong would respond to his honesty.

But Jiyong had been replying, “I miss you too” on every single message Seunghyun sent. Nothing more, nothing less. Neither wants to step a little bit further.

You’re such a coward, Seunghyun. He cursed at himself once. Seunghyun couldn’t figure out where he got the guts to say those words to Jiyong that night. He just didn’t want to tiptoe around Jaeyong all the time. It was suffocating. Or maybe he was just being selfish? Did he rush it? Seunghyun kept asking himself, the doubts wouldn’t stop. But in the end, Seunghyun always came back to the same conclusion. Jiyong has to know that his life is his own, even if it means I’m not in it.

It has been 10 days since he last heard Jiyong’s voice. At first, it hurt- missing someone you care so much about and can’t do anything about it. But later on, it became bearable. These days, Seunghyun almost crosses the line of being numb. Almost. Luckily, Seungri smacked his head from time to time.

His research project with Seungri has been going well. But Seungri being Seungri, he made the extra effort of taking Seunghyun out whenever he could- to clubs, to pubs, to places where there’s only aggravating noises and not soothing voices. Soohyuk would come along sometimes- as a moral support he once said but Seunghyun knows, it’s because Soohyuk had been here before- waiting and longing. Soohyuk understood. Seunghyun is glad that he has his friends, somewhat trying to lessen the pain of missing Jiyong. But the pain still resonates in his heart every time he closed his eyes- still calling for Jiyong as the antidote.

Seunghyun lies back down on his couch, reading every single reply he’s received from Jiyong- his voice softly echoing in his head on every letter. He taps a few times on his phone, bringing up his favorite picture of Jiyong. Jiyong was lying on his side on Seunghyun’s bed. Half of Jiyong’s face was buried on the pillow, he had his eyes closed. His lips slightly parted. Seunghyun remembers taking this picture when Jiyong was still asleep. He woke up to Jiyong’s light snoring near him that morning. As he was brushing his knuckles gently against the sleeping man’s back, the moment was too perfect not to be immortalized somewhere else besides his brain. Silently, he kept the image on his phone.

Seunghyun’s eyes drift to a close, the silence around him amplifies the ache he feels in his chest. He wishes for the zillionth time now for this unsettling feeling to ease but every time he closes his eyes, it intensifies a hundredfold.

But he’s used to the pain now. At least this gives him a reason to think about Jiyong.

**

“Just call him!” Seungri holds out his phone.

“And then say what?” Seunghyun twirls the empty bottle of soju in front of him.

“That you miss him?” Dongwook chimes in.

Soohyuk smirks at the solemn looking man sitting across from him, he proceeds to pour more of the clear liquid into the shot glass.

“You declined a request from Seungri. That’s one shot,” Soohyuk pushes the shot glass closer to Seunghyun.

“I thought I said no to playing this drinking game,” Seunghyun’s tone is flat but still downs the shot, he’s lost count on how many he’s had so far.

“Sorry. Forgot,” Seungri is slurring, he grins at Seunghyun.

When Seungri arrived a couple of hours ago, he didn’t only come with bottles of soju and cans of beer, Soohyuk and Dongwook were already grinning behind him. The evening started out with four men talking- about civilized topics in a civilized manner. But somehow, Seungri got them all to agree to play this drinking game- if you say no to a request, you down a shot. Five bottles of soju and four cans of beer later, Seunghyun is losing.

“Last one. I’m out,” Seunghyun plants his shot glass firmly on the table.

“You said that three shots ago,” Dongwook snorts.

“Seunghyun, call him,” Soohyuk states firmly. His sentence is short but Seunghyun knows, Soohyuk is trying to say, “It’s time to man up.”

Seunghyun is staring at the phone in his hand, his brain racing- thinking of what he should say to Jiyong. His tongue is numb and something painful is prickling in his throat.

“I’m just gonna be in my room,” Seunghyun walks slowly to his room, dialing on his phone.

He tries to calm his breath as the line is connecting. And it feels like hours, he’s been dreaming about Jiyong and replaying his voice in his head- now it’s time to take one step forward.

Jiyong answers on the fourth ring, “Seunghyun?”

“Hey Ji,” Seunghyun glances back to his friends on the living room one last time before closing the door behind him. Dongwook is now challenging Seungri to call Chaerin.

“Something wrong?” Jiyong’s voice soothes him even though the question is laced with worry. Seunghyun can’t remember what he’s planning to say.

“Um…” Seunghyun pauses, “I miss you.”

Seunghyun can hear Jiyong huffs out a soft smile on the other end.

“I miss you more, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun smiles- a genuine smile- for the first time in days. It is similar to the messages Jiyong has sent him, but it’s different when the sentence is spilled out from Jiyong’s lips. It sounds sweeter, it tastes sweeter too.

He sits on the floor, his back pressing the side of his bed.

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun tugs the phone closer; this is not as intimidating as he’d thought.

“Nothing. Just cleaning up the place. You?”

“Umm…” Seunghyun pauses again, “I think I’m drunk.”

Jiyong lets out a laugh. Seunghyun smiles at the sound. It’s been a while.

“You think you’re drunk?”

“I drank soju- a lot of soju,” Seunghyun replies, his head resting on the edge of his bed.

“Of course you did.”

“And beer,” Seunghyun continues- sliding up on to his bed. He pulls the blanket, covering his body.

“And beer,” Jiyong repeats the answer, still grinning- Seunghyun can tell.

“And I miss you,” Seunghyun wants to keep saying the sentence, as if making up for the days passed when he didn’t get to say it out loud to Jiyong.

“I’m here, Seunghyun,” Jiyong whispers his response, assuring Seunghyun of something that doesn’t need further explanation. Seunghyun wishes he could hug Jiyong right now.

“Can you say something? Anything? I miss your voice,” Seunghyun snuggles closer to his pillow.

“You do?” Jiyong bites his lips when he’s shy, Seunghyun still remembers. He impulsively nods even though Jiyong can’t see him.

“Well, okay… Umm…” Jiyong hesitates, “I had the worst day today. It was raining when I left the house. I didn’t have an umbrella so I had to run all the way to the train station.”

Jiyong is recounting mundane activities while Seunghyun just hums every now and then, his lips currently carved into a permanent smile. With his eyes closed, savoring every syllable coming out from Jiyong’s lips.

“I miss you, Jiyong,” Seunghyun blurts out in the middle of Jiyong telling him about how packed the train was during peak hour.

“Seunghyun…” Jiyong’s voice grows soft, “I’m here.”

“I know,” Seunghyun sighs, relieved.

**

Yes, the throbbing in his head is familiar. His room spins a little as he tries to sit up on the bed. He sees the door to his room is opened and Seungri is sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed.

Seunghyun tries to recollect what happened last night. He can still remember calling Jiyong and kissing his phone after he ended the call. He definitely remembers trying to go to the bathroom to pee, but the room was spinning too much when he tried to walk. As a result, he is now awake at 7AM on a Sunday morning with his bladder bursting.

He treads his way to the bathroom slowly, rubbing his sleepy eyes- he’s slowly grown accustomed to the after effects of alcohol since he moved to Seoul and he knows now that coffee is his best cure for a hangover. Coffee and greasy food- buttered toast and bacon, lots of bacon.

Seunghyun feels a little bit better this morning. He talked to Jiyong last night and at least there wasn’t a trace of rejection in his voice. Seunghyun even heard the same affectionate tone he always heard from Jiyong. Even as he is washing his hands before exiting the bathroom, Jiyong’s voice still echoes in his head.

But that doesn’t mean he chose you. A voice chimes in his head.

Seunghyun dries his hand, “I know.” He answers calmly to himself.

Coffee now, Seunghyun makes his way to the kitchen. He just needed to know that Jiyong still wants him. That’s enough for now.

As Seunghyun walks out from his room, he can hear someone whispering in the kitchen.

“Soohyuk?” Seunghyun calls out.

Soohyuk is hunched over the kitchen counter, talking on his phone. “Look, I can’t do this now. I gotta go. I’ll call you later,” Soohyuk sounds irritated.

“You okay?” Seunghyun turns on his coffee maker.

“My ex. He just…” Soohyuk sighs, “Doesn’t give up.”

“Ah. The ex,” Seunghyun grabs a couple of mugs from the shelf, “Coffee?”

“Please,” Soohyuk sighs.

“He’s been bothering you?” Seunghyun asks casually.

“Not really,” Soohyuk shrugs, shaking his head, “He's just resilient that's all. I used to adore that side of him. He’s a good guy, you know.”

Soohyuk rounds the counter to sit on the kitchen stool. Seunghyun sees the nostalgic smile on his friend’s face- he can sense the history in that short sentence. And that same sentence tugs something in his heart. Resilience.

But he has to ask the obvious, “So, why did you break up with him?”

“He broke up with me,” Soohyuk answers calmly, “He said I made him choose. And he didn’t want to choose.”

Seunghyun stills- this hits a little too close to home. He has his back facing Soohyuk, humming a non-committal reply just to be polite.

“At that time, I thought maybe it’s my turn to fight for him. But I guess I’m not that much of a fighter,” Soohyuk smirks- this time there’s regret flashing on his face.

Seunghyun slides the steaming cup of coffee across to the man pondering in front of him.

“Coffee makes everything a little bit better,” Seunghyun is not saying this just for Soohyuk. He needs to hear it for himself too.

“Thanks,” Soohyuk takes the cup, settles it between his palms.

“So, why is he calling you now? Isn’t it a bit too late?” Seunghyun comments just before sipping the bitter liquid.

“He said he’s been missing me and that he realized how much he needs me.”

Seunghyun nods lightly, trying to keep a straight face. This scenario is too familiar.

“But he doesn’t want to hear that I’ve moved on. I don’t need him that way anymore,” Soohyuk continues.

Seunghyun keeps his reply short, his brain is busy implementing the same scenario to his own situation, “Yeah.”

“How’s Jiyong by the way?” Soohyuk sets his mug down after taking a sip.

“He’s good. He’s…” Seunghyun is nodding, “He’s doing fine. I think.”

“He knew you were drunk though, right?”

Seunghyun scoffs, he nods again.

“Hey, you wanna grab some breakfast? We can get some for Dongwook and Seungri too,” Seunghyun almost finishes his coffee.

“It’s 7.30AM on a Sunday. Is there anything open?”

“I know a place. Come on,” Seunghyun walks towards the door.

**

The elevator descends and Seunghyun can feel his surrounding spins again.

“Hangover’s a huh?” He can hear Soohyuk speaks near him. Seunghyun has his eyes closed. Hangover is worse on an empty stomach, that much he knows.

“I blame Seungri. I blame him for everything.”

“I blame him for my sore back too.”

Seunghyun squints one eye open, eyeing Soohyuk who is standing across from him.

“He made me lose a stupid rock paper scissor game and I had to sleep on the floor.”

“And he got the bed?”

“Because Dongwook already passed out on the couch.”

“But there’s the study room, you slept there before.”

“It’s alright. I wanted to make sure Dongwook was okay. He was out of it last night,” Soohyuk replies sheepishly.

Seunghyun chuckles softly, “You and Dongwook?”

Soohyuk gives a smirk just as the elevator door opens on the ground floor. Seunghyun chuckles, he’s glad that Soohyuk has found someone.

“So, where are we going exactly?” Soohyuk zips up his jacket.

“Not far. Do you like red beans?” Seunghyun closes the building’s door behind him.

“I’m Korean. I grew up on red beans.” Soohyuk tugs his hands into his jacket’s pockets.

Seunghyun laughs again, he huddles Soohyuk on the shoulder, “I’m sure you’ll love these then. And I’m buying. We are celebrating!”

“Next time, treat me an actual meal okay? Buy me a steak or something,” Soohyuk retorts back.

Seunghyun relaxes his hand resting on Soohyuk’s shoulder as they make their way to the alley where the lady had just start laying out her bread- freshly baked and still steaming.

The two men rounds the corner and Seunghyun’s steps falter.

Jiyong is already there, crouching over Gaho that is his palm.

“Ji…” Seunghyun instinctively drops his hand from Soohyuk’s shoulder. His legs suddenly go rigid.

The blonde crouching down looks up, he grins- but his eyes immediately go to the stranger standing next to Seunghyun.

“Seunghyun,” Jiyong tries to sound neutral, raising himself up after Gaho goes trotting back to his owner.

“Ji, I-“ Seunghyun is still surprised, he gestures to Soohyuk suddenly, “This is Soohyuk.”

And Soohyuk offers his hand first, “Hello, Jiyong. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Jiyong smiles, he shakes the hand in front of him, “Soohyuk. Likewise.”

Seunghyun just stands there, trying to formulate a response. He has a new cure for his hangover now, having your maybe-boyfriend-or-maybe-friend shows up unannounced in front of you at 7.30 on a Sunday morning.

"I would love to stay but I have to go and settle some paperwork," Jiyong lowers himself slightly to pat Gaho one last time.

"But it's Sunday," Seunghyun reacts.

"Hospitals still open on Sundays. You should know, you work there,” Jiyong smiles. Seunghyun can only blink, still trying to get his brain to get into gear.

Jiyong bows slightly to the lady and starts making his way back to the station. He waves at the two men, lingering his gaze just a tad longer at Seunghyun.

"Soohyuk, can you wait up for a bit? I have to-" Seunghyun darts off following Jiyong as soon as Soohyuk gestures with his head for Seunghyun to go.

"Hey, Ji!" Seunghyun calls out, he runs after the blonde man.

"Hm?" Jiyong stops, turning around. Hands shoved in his jeans' pockets.

"I-" Seunghyun has too much to say, that he misses him, that he will fight for him, that he will accept Jiyong’s decision no matter what.

But this feels like a dream, he's been dreaming about this moment so often the past few days, this reality still startle him.

Jiyong looks up to him, his brows quirk up slightly. Seunghyun has his fists clenched on his sides.

But not for long.

Swiftly Seunghyun crushes his lips on Jiyong's, both hands clasping on his jaw and thumbs pressing gently on the cheekbones. The rapid pulse thumping against his palm. So Jiyong was craving this too.

Firstly, Seunghyun breathes in because he needs his brain to memorize this scent again. It's becoming his second oxygen; he needs it colluding his lungs. And when he feels Jiyong parts his lips, he lets out a moan- or is that Jiyong? He cannot think straight anymore, his chest is expanding- he's about to burst with contentment at the contact. Finally, and cautiously, he slips his tongue in. Jiyong's hands already clutching on his waist, tugging his tshirt. The smaller man tiptoes closer, leaning in for more.

Seunghyun smiles into the kiss, Jiyong too. It is still mutual, this kiss has happened before- and often. Seunghyun's heart leap and from the way Jiyong rocks his hips against him, Jiyong is not calm too.

The seconds change to minutes, Jiyong is breathless as he pulls away. Seunghyun still wants more.

"Tonight," Jiyong looks up again- cheeks tinged with pink and lips stained red. Seunghyun nods and claims the other’s lips once again. Softer this time, and slower. With Jiyong’s hands still grasping on him, holding on and no signs of letting go, Seunghyun breaks the kiss.

"How stupid was I..." Seunghyun caress the blonde hair, fingers through the soft strands, "You said you were here."

Jiyong grins, making Seunghyun wants to kiss him again.

"Come over tonight. We need to talk," Jiyong requests, his voice soft.

Seunghyun nods, "I'm here, Ji."

"I know," Now it's Jiyong who brands the side of Seunghyun's lips with a light kiss.

Seunghyun has to let go for now. His heart light but expectant. Jiyong is still his, and hopefully, that fact remains even after tonight.

...