Me and Yunho had always been close friends. How long had it been by now..? Ten years? More? I’ve lost track. Anyways, I guess saying that we were just close friends would be an understatement. Jung Yunho. I’m in love with him. I was in love with him—I don’t know, let me explain.

The two of us shared a lot of memories. I remember that when I was sad I would always run to Yunho. I would tell him I was sad, and by the time I’d finished saying that, I would already be okay because he was there. He would always say something like “what happened, Donghae? Yunnie’s here to make you feel all better.” And at that point I would be so happy I actually had to pretend I was still upset so he would hold me for awhile. He was like a happy pill for me.

I remember one very special day for us. He told me he wanted to show me something, and he took me out to the studio. He brought me to a piano and he played it for me. He also sang a beautiful love song with his playing. I swear I melted when he started singing. I remember the exact words he said after he stopped playing, too. “Donghae, would you like to make me the happiest man in the world and be my boyfriend?” Oh boy was I on cloud nine. I bet you can guess what my answer was.

Awhile after that day, we were being a little…intimate with each other. He trailed soft kisses along my neck with those sweet, sweet lips of his, bringing them up to my ear. And once he got to my ear, he whispered… “Donghae, I love you.” I think my heart stopped beating for a second when I heard it.

All those memories we shared...I could go on about them forever. But I don’t think I should bore you with all of them.

But now I guess you’re wondering why I said: “Jung Yunho. I’m in love with him. I was in love with him—I don’t know”, right?

It hurts to love someone who’s affected by death.

He’s dead.

Jung Yunho is dead.

And so am I. Physically, I am alive. But emotionally, I died right alongside him.