A/N – Ah-jik (아직) means still in Korean.

____

January 2, 2013

It was the twilight of evening when the winter leaves were seen whirling lazily about the streets and people, painting a thin layer of auburn as they danced away to the frigid instrumentation of the cold winter wind. People ran hither and thither, burying themselves even deeper within their coats and scarves and the warm rays of the sun began to slowly fade away.

Against the host of flurrying individuals, there was the musical man, who sat motionless at the bench, his back bent over while his fingers continued to gently strum the chords of his guitar. Even as the chestnut leaves continued to fall upon him, he remained still, seemingly finding it unnecessary to shake them off. Instead, his fingers continued to instrument the same melancholy tone repeatedly, as if it was the only melody that they could produce. Feeling them raw, he stopped and stared over to his side. There laid a white sheepdog, which, like him, was buried under the leaves.

Looking silently to the stilled creature, the man slowly crept his gaze up towards the heavens and stared pensively before smiling bitterly at his distressed self and at his dull, lifeless existence. All he had now were memories. Memories, which, despite his hardest attempts, were imprinted onto the very core of his living conscience. For a time, those memories were the waters that had supplied his ecstasy. But now, they were an inescapable curse that continued to torment the innermost walls of his core. Sleep was no longer an option. For every time he closed his eyes, memoirs of events passed continued to reel about in motion, much like a broken cinematic held on an infinite, inescapable loop of repetition and reflection. The clock had long since stopped ticking. 

Smiling faintly for the briefest moment, he closed his eyes and recalled the name of the person that was, at one time, his everything, but now instead, was the sole source of his greatest agony. Hongki.

-:-

October 17, 2008

Like any other day, he walked about the parkway nonchalantly, lazily slumping his guitar onto his back while humming a tune. It was fall now and the leaves were once again navel, quivering ever so gracefully in compliment to the frosted gale that whirled about.

“You there! Can you please stop that dog?!”

Looking to the voice, he saw a man running towards him, his blonde hair being tossed about violently into the winds as he frantically chased after a white dog. Finding amusement at the comedic picture, the man took respite and pondered earnestly for a moment whether he should let the dog go. However, like those who had come before him had always said, it is always best to help out someone in need. After all, for all his experiences, he could testament to fact that the deity of life enjoyed arranging random, irrevocable relations between complete strangers. For all he knew, the gasping, comically desperate blonde running towards him could be a stranger now, but end up his best friend later. Finding enough motivation for the trouble, he quickly stepped in front of the white pup and took it into his arms.

“T-thank you for catching him Mr. –”

“Jonghun. The name’s Jonghun.”

Staggering for air, the blonde returned roughly, “H-Hongki.”

“Cute dog. Is it yours?”

Still catching his breath, Hongki silently nodded his head in answer. Holding the dog out in front of himself, Jonghun smiled. “So what’s you’re name?”

“His name is Ah-jik.”

“Ah-jik? As in the word Ah-jik? But doesn’t that mean ‘still’?”

“Yup.”

“Then why?”

“Because I still can’t think of a name for him,” he answered grinning. Blinking in surprise, Jonghun soon found himself snickering away at the witty, albeit honest response.

“Well since you stopped my dog and all, why don’t you come back over to my place and have dinner? It’s the least I can do for your help.” Holding the dog steady in one hand, Hongki quickly grabbed Jonghun’s arm with the other and began to walk. Startled, Jonghun yelped, “H-hey! I never said ‘yes’!”

“Don’t be like that! It’ll be fun!”

…

When he entered Hongki’s apartment, the first things Jonghun registered was warmth. The walls were painted bright orange and most of its surface had been plastered with photos upon photos of foreign landmarks such as the Great Wall of China and the Arc de Triomphe of France. To his right was a small, wooden desk, furnished only with a small table lamp and next to that was a small white couch.

Ushering his guest in, Hongki quickly let his dog down and hurriedly moved to the kitchen. “Dinner will be ready in just a moment,” and staying true to his word, Hongki emerged from the kitchen with two plastic bowls within minutes. Smiling, he handed one to Jonghun. “Here it is. The ultra-special-cool and irresistibly delicious secret recipe of Lee Hongki.”

Narrowing his eyes, Jonghun questioned bluntly, “Cup noodles? That’s you’re ultra-special-cool and irresistibly delicious secret recipe?” Flushed from the forward remark, Hongki stuttered, “I-It’s the only thing I know how to cook.”

Seeing the blonde’s childishly honest behavior, Jonghun felt the sides of his lips curl upward into a smile. Thanking him, Jonghun took one of the bowls from the latter and sat on the couch, and began to slowly stir the instant noodles. Following suit, Hongki too, took a seat on the couch and began to whisk his own cup of noodles, and soon enough, an awkward silence settled in between the two of them. Determined to relieve the situation, Jonghun asked, “Looks like you travel a lot. Did you go to all those places?”

“Nope.”

“Oh…”

“Those are all the places I want to go to though.”

“That’s nice. Is that you’re dream?”

“Yup…I want to travel the world and explore all the different places…experience all the different things...”

“Sounds like you’ll need a lot of time.”

“I’m estimating around twenty years or so.”

Jonghun chuckled at the juvenile reverie.

“Hey! I’m being honest here!” Hongki pouted.

Stifling his amusement, Jonghun apologized, “Sorry…I didn’t mean to be so rude.”

"It's fine. I have a tendency to overreact sometimes anyway."

"You live alone?"

When Jonghun's question reached his ear, Hongki sat still and hesitated for some moments. Looking down to his ever so animated dog, he slowly hugged the cup of noodles and sighed as its warmth began to radiate throughout his hands as his darkest thoughts began to slowly seep out from his bolted mind. Warmth. Love. Compassion. Joy. It had been a long time since Hongki had shared these emotions with anyone. And despite all the material, prestige, and power the world offered to the ambitious, it was naught but these very basic factors Hongki once had, lost, and now, desperately wanted. 

Sensing the uneasy tension that had settled in between them, Jonghun quickly affronted, "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get -"

"It's okay. I'm fine," Hongki answered wearily. "And to answer you're question, I do live alone."

And much like Hongki's reply, silence began to slowly creep back into the atmosphere. 

"I used to live with my parents and my sister. We were at a party one night...a New Year's Eve party actually...and like any party, we were there on happy terms. Everyone was laughing and socializing with each other...drinking to their heart's content..." he whispered quietly. "My family was no exception...and when it was time for us to go home, my dad, who claimed that he was fine, decided to drive home. And on the way, we…we...” His grip on the cup slowly began to tighten. “…ran a red light and crashed into a truck. My parents were killed on impact and my sister…” Slowly, a single clear orb of sorrow trailed its way down Hongki’s face. “…broke her neck from. The paramedics managed to salvage her body and transport her to the hospital. Her CT scan showed that the left hemisphere of her brain was crushed by an internal hemorrhage…her cervical vertebrae were also crushed from the trauma…and with it, her a portion of her brain stem. The doctor pronounced brain-dead.”

Catching respite in the apartment air, he continued sparingly, “They offered to keep her on life support but our insurance couldn’t cover it and it wasn’t like I had money in the bank either…s-so…” Slowly, his tears were accommodated by soft sobs. “I mean…what can a sixteen year old with 157 dollars do?”

“Hongki…”

“Besides a fractured rib and broken arm, I hadn’t suffered anything major so they discharged me and escorted me home after some hours…and there was Ah-jik…my sister’s dog…and for what it was worth, home had never…never felt so empty.” Wiping his tears, Hongki continued solemnly, “Remember how I told you I named Ah-jik because I still couldn’t think of a name for him? Well it’s true…but I also named it that because I still can’t get over that day…and I don’t ever think I can.” He chuckled mockingly at himself. “At the time…I hated my life…I hated having to answer to my parents for everything and hated having to look after everything my sister did. I wanted independence and now that I have it…I realize how stupid…it was to take them for granted.”

Settling his own cup of noodles down on the table, Jonghun slowly made his way towards Hongki and wrapped his arms around the crying individual. When he had first met Hongki, he had assumed that his cheerful personality was one derived from a past of happiness. But now, it was made clear to him. Hongki was someone who had lost everything dear to him, and rather than let depression stay him down, he had risen above the sorrow and instead, relied upon happiness to continue smiling. If anything, Jonghun had just met Hongki. But regardless of their short introduction, deep inside, a small, flicker of light had been kindled. A small flicker of light that wanted to stay with, protect, and embrace the fragile individual before him forever.

His tears flowing unrestrained, Hongki tried quickly to regain his composure as he respired small breaths in compliment to his tears, choking, “I’m so…sorry. I shouldn’t –”

“No please don’t. Let it all out, Hongki.” Releasing him from his arms, Jonghun looked at Hongki straight in the eyes as he wiped a teardrop from the lad’s face. “Please…don’t…don’t stop yourself…and don’t worry about me. I’ll stay here as long as you need me to.”

"T-thank you," Hongki answered as he dried his tears. Exhaling deeply, he continued, "But its fine now. I...I just got a little sentimental back there and I shouldn't have." 

"Hongki."

"I-I'm fine. I swear," he answered shakily. "I really am. So..." Hongki lingered in his somewhat normal cheery tone. "What's yours?"

“Pardon?”

“Your story. I told you mine so it’s only fair that you tell me yours.”

Now it was Jonghun that turned uneasy. "I'm also alone if that's what you're asking about. I've been an orphan since birth and never got to meet my real parents, which is why I can somewhat relate to you're story." Massaging his the neck’s rear, he continued tiredly, "Loneliness. It's something a lot of people take for granted. But when you actually experience it, its probably one of the most painful things out in the world. At least…that’s what I made of it. And although l dealt with it day after day, there were times where I seriously contemplated committing suicide. Days seemed to go on like years, and when all my friends at the orphanage began to get adopted or transferred elsewhere, my depression grew. Like I said, it and it for many years.” Pausing, Jonghun looked Hongki straight in the eye. “Hongki...take it from a guy whose been where you are right now, just hold on. Hold onto life. And one day, when you wake up, you'll realize that your past is your past. Not your present. And when that happens, I promise you that life will get better."

Smiling, Jonghun picked up his guitar and laid it on his lap. "You see, like you, I have a pet too…one that came to me during my darkest chapter, and it saved me. Its why I named it Sunny." Smirking, Jonghun faded his calloused fingers around the fret, upon which was a name etched by a marker. It read 'Sunny'. Retaining his somewhat awkward, but sincere persona, Jonghun continued, "And if it wasn't for Sunny, I know I wouldn't be here right now. Which is why...for its sake, I...I want to be the world's greatest guitarist."

Staring over to Jonghun’s guitar, which now laid peacefully on in Jonghun's embrace, Hongki asked, “So…do you play?” Positioning his fingers in the appropriate places, he smiled slyly at Hongki, coolly answering, “Naturally.”

And with that, he closed his eyes and began to play, immersing his entirety deeply into the melody produced. For a period of fifteen minutes or so, he continued to play, mesmerizing everyone in the vicinity with his musical prowess. Even the dog stared at him with great affection and when the final chord had been strum, Hongki found himself unable to speak. Words could not even begin to describe the musical euphoria he had just experienced. Ruffling his hair, Jonghun attempted to quickly dispel the uncomfortable atmosphere that had settled once again in the living room, bashfully asking, “Was I that bad?”

WOOF

WOOF

Startled, Jonghun turned his head towards Ah-jik who was now hugging his leg tenderly. “Was it really that good Ah-jik?” Bringing the dog up to his face, Jonghun smiled warmly at it. “Looks like you’re my first fan right boy?”

WOOF

Finally regaining his senses, Hongki began to applaud the young man before him, jeering, “Looks like Ah-jik likes you more than me now. Congratulations, you have completely mesmerized him with you’re musical genius.”

Blushing at Hongki’s compliment, Jonghun let the pup down, his eyes meeting Hongki’s as he did. Hearing his heartbeat resonate profoundly within his eardrums, Jonghun found himself unable to tear himself away from the blonde before him. He was so warm and full of hope. Still, Jonghun could swear that there was something else, as if all the merriment the man was expressing was but a façade. Regardless, he steadily began to pack away his things before moving to the front door.

“It’s late…I should get going.”

“Y-yeah.”

His hand on the doorknob, Jonghun paused briefly for moment, stammering nervously, “Y-you know…if you want…I c-could come again tomorrow and could teach y-you the basics…”

“Teach me the basics of what?”

“T-the guitar…”

“Guitar?”

“Y-yeah…only if y-you want though…”

Smiling, Hongki answered, “I’d like that...I’d like that a lot. Tomorrow at 4?”

Feeling his cheeks heat up, Jonghun nodded his head in agreement before hobbling out the door. Only when he was finally outside the building, he felt like he could breathe again. Lee Hongki…I think I’m in love with you.

…

After seeing Jonghun off, Hongki solemnly walked back over to the couch. Pouring some kibble into a bowl, he set it before Ah-jik and watched it for some time before heading over to his desk. Taking one of the postcards from his wall and a pen, he sat down and put the pen to the page, as if he were to write something but stopped, and instead, placed both items in his drawer. Embracing the dog, Hongki kissed it on the forehead, murmuring quietly, “I think I’m in love Ah-jik…”

WOOF

“Don’t worry. I still have some time left…”

And as he reiterated those words, another dark memory of past began to slowly fade into his present conscience, and as it did, he was once again, transported into the solemn, solitary, white office. Mr. Hongki...you told me that you were involved in a car accident three years ago and now you have bouts of severe chest pain. You also stated that the pain itself is dull but strangely, you feel lightheaded whenever you feel pain. Am I correct?

Yes.

Well, we received the results of your echocardiogram and labs today. In respect to your labs, everything is normal except you're troponin which seems to be a little high. 

Troponin?

Troponin is a regulatory protein that simulates your cardiac muscle to contract. 

So then why would my elevated troponin be concerning?

When you were admitted to the ER after the accident, the physician at the time had discharged you with a fractured rib. However, the results of the current echocardiogram show that your vagus nerve, one of the major nerves that are responsible for contracting the heart, is damaged. Contrasted with your X-Ray from the ER, we suspect that the rib is what caused the tissue damage initally. It also explains the elevated troponin levels. Currently, there is sizeable tissue damage in your heart from its inability to perfuse adequate amounts of blood making the risk all the more greater. Operation is not an option. I'm sorry Mr. Hongki, but there's nothing more we can do. 

How...How much do I have left?

I cannot say for certain, but at best, a year. I can prescribe you medication for the pain, but your condition is chronic, meaning that the pain will eventually intensify, even with the aid of medication. I am going to prescribe you Percocet, an oxycodone, and also one of the stronger pain medications out there. However, when it gets to the stage where the you feel the pain despite taking your dose...you can -

...Take it as a sign that I'm going to die soon, right?

...Yes.