Review4: ChibiMusicStar
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Title/Poster: 6/10
I would've say it's perfect. I would have. This title screams sadness. It screams that someone's going to help a person feel much better. But instead on focusing on raw emotions in your story, you went on and on about school. This story thus because more of a slice-of-life genre rather than an angst type and therefore, the title doesn't portray the story well(yet). Or should I say, the story isn't reflected in the title?
Poster... Sighs... I'm not good at determining its worth. But it fits the title.
Poster... Sighs... I'm not good at determining its worth. But it fits the title.
Description/Foreword: 9/10
The usage of description and foreword is correct. The description is wonderful. It draws in readers and plays with their curious minds. Who? How? What? They would ask and read to find out.
It's good.
It's good.
Grammar/Spelling:14/20
A light nod? Do you mean a slight nod?
Any action word used after 'try' should be in continuous tense i.e. the -ing form.
There's a little confusion of 'sit' and 'seat' from 'Most of the students were busy searching for their high school friends to seat together.'.
It is either '... to sit together.' OR 'to be seated together.'
Another one: 'She found one but she wasn't fast enough to take the seat since someone has sat on it.'
It is either '... someone has sat down on it.' OR '... someone has seated on it.'
'She lifted up her head to see the board with proud.' is wrong. 'Pride' should be used instead of 'proud' here.
The past tense of 'shake' is 'shook'.
'Seperated' is wrong. It should be 'separated'.
In general, your grammar is good because you stick to one tense (with the exceptions of slip-ups sometimes). For spelling, I believe it's typo for 90% of the time. I'm giving you the benefit of doubt.
Any action word used after 'try' should be in continuous tense i.e. the -ing form.
There's a little confusion of 'sit' and 'seat' from 'Most of the students were busy searching for their high school friends to seat together.'.
It is either '... to sit together.' OR 'to be seated together.'
Another one: 'She found one but she wasn't fast enough to take the seat since someone has sat on it.'
It is either '... someone has sat down on it.' OR '... someone has seated on it.'
'She lifted up her head to see the board with proud.' is wrong. 'Pride' should be used instead of 'proud' here.
The past tense of 'shake' is 'shook'.
'Seperated' is wrong. It should be 'separated'.
In general, your grammar is good because you stick to one tense (with the exceptions of slip-ups sometimes). For spelling, I believe it's typo for 90% of the time. I'm giving you the benefit of doubt.
Story's Plot:9/15
You throw in ideas randomly in the story. That's what I've interpreted from the way you write. Details are just dumped in as if it's on a whim. Be more organised with your thoughts.
Meetings with people are too coincidental thus this makes your story feel choppy and unrealistic.
The mention of music and sadness makes it a good plot. However, you chose to center around school. Scenes are thrown it to make a plot a plot. Imagine taking away a school scene. Does it affect your story a whole lot? If not, then it's not necessary to talk about daily activities in school, especially lunch breaks and lessons. Highlighting on the music club gives a stronger impact to the story. I see that your story is going in this direction with the competition coming up.
I don't know how long this story is going to be. It could be 50 chapters. If so, this 5 chapters can be considered an introduction. But if it's only 10-15 chapters, the 5 chapters are being draggy.
Meetings with people are too coincidental thus this makes your story feel choppy and unrealistic.
The mention of music and sadness makes it a good plot. However, you chose to center around school. Scenes are thrown it to make a plot a plot. Imagine taking away a school scene. Does it affect your story a whole lot? If not, then it's not necessary to talk about daily activities in school, especially lunch breaks and lessons. Highlighting on the music club gives a stronger impact to the story. I see that your story is going in this direction with the competition coming up.
I don't know how long this story is going to be. It could be 50 chapters. If so, this 5 chapters can be considered an introduction. But if it's only 10-15 chapters, the 5 chapters are being draggy.
Writing Style:16/20
Starting a chapter with something like 'The school bell rang.' has been overly used. It's too common, not to mention, you used it twice already even though you're only at the fifth chapter.
Here's a sentence I find being rather awkward: 'Inside the room was a black, grand piano, situated at the center of the room, where a girl was wearing a white shirtwaist dress.'
It would sound more pleasant if it flows like this: 'In the center of the room, there was a black grand piano. A girl, wearing a white shirtwaist dress, was seated at it on a leather bench.'
Another awkward one: 'Closing her eyes, Ji-Eun felt the gracious music flow through her veins, with a small smile tugging at her lips.'
Should be: 'Closing her eyes, Ji-Eun felt the gracious music flow through her veins as a small smile tugged at her lips.' OR 'She closed her eyes, feeling the gracious music flow through her veins. A small smile tugged at her lips.'
In the following paragraph, you state ' She was occupied with the happiness of the other people...'. It has not link at all therefore this sentence draws a 'huh?' from me.
Awkward: 'The car rode down the hill...'
If you insist on using the word 'rode', try this: 'They rode down the hill... in a car.'
There are several repetitions which are not necessary. For example, 'Jonghyun smiled happily; feeling happy for his cousin.' AND 'facing his face'. It can just be 'Jonghyun smiled, happy for his cousin.' AND 'facing him'.
I'm adding vocabulary into this category.
When you say someone has a smile plastered on his face, it means that that person isn't genuine about that smile so be careful while using this phrase.
The word 'discontinuous' is used wrongly in 'tears flowing down discontinuously'. I'm assuming that you mean to say that her tears flow nonstop. 'Discontinuous' actually means that there are pauses in between.
Other than this, your vocabulary is sufficient enough. I see the use of idioms. Do continue to improve to add some spice to your story.
There's variation in your sentences. You attempted it. Good for you! But it still needs more practice.
As the story moves on, I see that you're improving, in terms of coherency.
Here's a sentence I find being rather awkward: 'Inside the room was a black, grand piano, situated at the center of the room, where a girl was wearing a white shirtwaist dress.'
It would sound more pleasant if it flows like this: 'In the center of the room, there was a black grand piano. A girl, wearing a white shirtwaist dress, was seated at it on a leather bench.'
Another awkward one: 'Closing her eyes, Ji-Eun felt the gracious music flow through her veins, with a small smile tugging at her lips.'
Should be: 'Closing her eyes, Ji-Eun felt the gracious music flow through her veins as a small smile tugged at her lips.' OR 'She closed her eyes, feeling the gracious music flow through her veins. A small smile tugged at her lips.'
In the following paragraph, you state ' She was occupied with the happiness of the other people...'. It has not link at all therefore this sentence draws a 'huh?' from me.
Awkward: 'The car rode down the hill...'
If you insist on using the word 'rode', try this: 'They rode down the hill... in a car.'
There are several repetitions which are not necessary. For example, 'Jonghyun smiled happily; feeling happy for his cousin.' AND 'facing his face'. It can just be 'Jonghyun smiled, happy for his cousin.' AND 'facing him'.
I'm adding vocabulary into this category.
When you say someone has a smile plastered on his face, it means that that person isn't genuine about that smile so be careful while using this phrase.
The word 'discontinuous' is used wrongly in 'tears flowing down discontinuously'. I'm assuming that you mean to say that her tears flow nonstop. 'Discontinuous' actually means that there are pauses in between.
Other than this, your vocabulary is sufficient enough. I see the use of idioms. Do continue to improve to add some spice to your story.
There's variation in your sentences. You attempted it. Good for you! But it still needs more practice.
As the story moves on, I see that you're improving, in terms of coherency.
Characterization:7/10
Yes, you're good at this for Jieun's character. Only from the first chapter, I know that she's a fragile, demure kind of girl with a passion for music. You showed me all this through her little actions. In later chapters, it's shown that she's comfortable with Jonghyun. However, there's a little slip-up. Jieun's shy. Why would she just let any male come near her while she cried? It's especially weird if that person isn't Jonghyun.
However, when more characters are introduced (all of a sudden), you seem to have forgotten all about characterisation. They start having no distinct voices of their own and each person's speech can be easily taken as another's.
Wooyoung's pushy.
Figure out who the main characters are and develop them well. I believe you're capable of that. You've done that well on Jieun so I don't see why you can't for the other characters.
However, when more characters are introduced (all of a sudden), you seem to have forgotten all about characterisation. They start having no distinct voices of their own and each person's speech can be easily taken as another's.
Wooyoung's pushy.
Figure out who the main characters are and develop them well. I believe you're capable of that. You've done that well on Jieun so I don't see why you can't for the other characters.
Originality:5/10
If you've plans to focus on music and Jieun's emotions and all that you've written in the description, yes definitely, it's going to be original. However, if you go off track and babble on about school and friends, I would say no. It's not original.
Based on the 5 chapters, I only find the first chapter appealing. The others are rather mundane...
Based on the 5 chapters, I only find the first chapter appealing. The others are rather mundane...
Reader Reaction/Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I spend more time attempting to decipher what you're trying to say rather than letting the whole story sink in to me.
Some last words from the reviewer:
I love you for allowing text selection. So, thank you! Be mindful of typos and missing words.
There's this little phrase I realised that you love to use, 'patted her head'. Using this shows that Jieun's adorable enough for everyone to want to do so but please find ways to put this message across. Here are a few that I can think off: 'ruffled her hair', 'messed her hair', 'placed his hand on her head for a gentle pat'.
Well then, all the best to writing this fanfic! Feel free to ask if you've any doubts.
There's this little phrase I realised that you love to use, 'patted her head'. Using this shows that Jieun's adorable enough for everyone to want to do so but please find ways to put this message across. Here are a few that I can think off: 'ruffled her hair', 'messed her hair', 'placed his hand on her head for a gentle pat'.
Well then, all the best to writing this fanfic! Feel free to ask if you've any doubts.
Total: 68/100
This review was done by one of our awesome reviewer junyoshi! Remember to leave a thank you comment to the reviewer!
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