Okay, This is the prologue to New Year’s Freedom. Sorry for any mistakes I missed.

Btw I was listening to Onew and Jonghyun’s duet “Tragedy” with rainy mood while writing this and oh god it’s amazing you guys need to try it now.

Also listened to Nell’s “The day before” AKA the saddest song and music video EVER.  

Anyway, I hope you enjoy~

“Why, why, why are you crying because of me?

You should always brightly smile, why are you crying?

Forget me, brush me off and leave in peace.

Don’t you believe me? I don’t want to bring you down.”

It was strange how this day started normally because this day was going to be far from normal. Today was going to be devastating but I really didn’t need to worry about that now. I knew I was selfish for waiting this long but I couldn’t bear to be parted from Jonghyun for longer than I had to be while I was still alive. I curled further into his chest hoping maybe he just wouldn’t wake up. If he didn’t wake up I could just go back to sleep then we could both sleep like this forever. Then I wouldn’t have to break his heart and mine as well. If only he wouldn’t wake up we could stay like this till the end of time, curled together in each others arms. But sadly, that couldn’t happen; I could feel Jonghyun beginning to stir. It felt like someone had stabbed ice into my heart and I stopped breathing. Please don’t wake up Jonghyun. Please. But it was too late. I felt a light kiss placed on the top of my head.

“Good morning Kibummie.” A small grin grew on my face despite the dread I felt in my heart. 

“Good morning.” I whispered back. But it wasn’t a good morning at all, but he was blissfully ignorant. He had no idea what I had planned for today and the coming days afterward. He had no idea I was about to tilt his world completely off axis.

 We had finished breakfast and we were sitting on the couch in silence. It was a painful silence, I knew Jonghyun could tell something was wrong. Normally I was never quiet but here we were sitting on the couch, his arm around me, and all I could do was stare at the floor with a frown on my face. I had been doing such a good job at pretending everything was okay but now so close to the end I was slipping up. I couldn’t help it I was going to lose Jonghyun because I’m a selfish idiot. I couldn’t help it. Depression is winning and I’m too tired to even fight it anymore. It feels like it will never go away and perhaps it won’t. So I’m just going to let it win. Why fight when I know I’m just going to lose? 

“Kibum what’s wrong? Don’t say nothing is wrong I can tell from how you’re acting something has upset you. What is it?” He asked pulling me in closer to him. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry. I wanted to scream for help, ask him to save me before I killed myself. But I couldn’t because it was far too late for that. 

“It’s no big deal, really.” I replied, “It’s just that this year is almost over and I don’t want it to be. This year was such I great year I’m scared that maybe next year won’t be as good. Maybe it will be worse.” That was almost true. 2012 had been a great year all around for us things had just gone so great. The only thing was my depression had been nagging at me all year and now I finally let it take over. I knew next year wasn’t going to a good year, though I wasn’t going to be there to experience it, it probably would be a very bad year for Jonghyun. It would be all my fault too. But he would be much better off without me around. I was too depressed and I’d only take him down with me. 

“Oh Kibum, Don’t think like that. Maybe next year will be bad, and yeah it’s scary but you won’t have to go through it alone. I’ll be there with you every step of the way good or bad.” He had turned to fully face me now. I couldn’t breathe my eyes had locked on to his. I was always taken aback at how beautiful he was. I wanted to look away because I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I wanted to tell him I wouldn’t be the one spending the year alone... It would be him. He pulled me into his lap and even though I knew I shouldn’t be letting this happen I didn’t resist. Gently his lips met mine. I kissed him back slowly trying to memorize how it felt. I didn’t want to forget how it felt to be with Jonghyun even in death. His tongue slid into my mouth and I lost it. It probably shocked him a little how fervently I returned the kiss. I lost myself in him. His touch, his scent, his taste. I needed this so badly because I knew after today I’d never get to do this again. I could feel my heart cracking, deep gashes forming as I kissed him, but I ignored it. When I pulled back I could feel the laughter rumbling from Jonghyun’s chest.

“Jesus, Kibum. It’s not even noon yet!” I only offered a smirk in return. I slid off him and stood up grabbing his hand. I pulled him up with me trying not to obviously admire the way his muscles flexed as I did so.

“What are you doing now Kibum?” He asked looking amused.

“The year is almost over we re going to do something fun.” I smiled. If this was going to be my last day with him I want it to be good. Though that really would just make it more painful in the end. I just kept ignoring the impending dread.

“I can think of many fun-” he started suggestively only to be cut off by me.

“Kim Jonghyun!” I exclaimed pretending to be upset but failing as a smile found it’s way to my face.

“What? You started it.” He grinned his grip on my hand tightening playfully.

“Well, too bad for you because that is not what I meant.” I was going to miss this so much, I thought.

“Then where are we going?” He asked.

“You’ll see!” I promised. His eyes lit up when he realized where we were going.

“The kitchen! You’re letting me go in the kitchen with you? You never want me in there when you are though!” He exclaimed. It was true, I liked to cook and it’s not that he couldn’t cook... He just wasn’t very good. Also every time he tried to help me it ended with us nearly destroying the kitchen and having to order take out. 

“I know, but I thought maybe we could try cooking something together.” This was probably a bad idea and I was probably crazy for even trying but when I saw the look on his face it was worth it. I knew he had always wanted to cook with me and that it really upset him every time when he messed up. So setting aside every sane urge I had I decided that maybe it would work. I mean I was going to die in less than two days I wanted my last day with Jonghyun to be happy. 

“Now we are going to be making a simple vanilla cake as long as you just do what I say this will be easy.” I smiled, I could practically see his tail wagging as he nodded enthusiastically. 

I tried not to laugh as I went to get us aprons, I got a normal one for myself and for him a pink and frilly one. He had gotten it for me as a joke once saying it would fit me because I was such a good “wife”. When I returned to the kitchen I already had mine on so I threw the pink one at him successfully hitting him in the face.

“Hey! Why do I get this one?” He pouted.

“Because I am the professional here and I decide who gets what.” I said trying to seem mature as I held in my laughter. He was about to protest when I interrupted him.

“Unless you want to throw away this once in a life time offer I suggest you put it on.” Crossing my arms as I watched his head fall in defeat. He put it on and turned towards me; arms crossed in defiance.

“Now what?” He asked pout permanently glued on his face. I couldn’t take it anymore went over to him laughing.

“Don’t be like that Jonghyun! You look great!” I pulled him into a hug.

“Your the only person that can make me put on something like this!” I could tell he was smiling too.

“And I love you for it!” I grinned pulling back, my arms still wrapped around his neck. 

“I love you too...” He said softly as he leaned into kiss me. After a few seconds I pulled away and laughed.

“Now, we have to actually make the cake! We can’t get distracted.” I stepped away from him and instructed him to get out some bowls and other cooking utensils. Grinning as I watched my boyfriend helplessly try to find what I asked for. I was getting out all the ingredients as Jonghyun finally located all the things I asked for complaining that I probably put them in strange places before hand just so I could watch him flounder around trying to find them. 

“Okay now we need to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. You can do that right?” Jonghyun hesitated for a moment then nodded. I watched him carefully as he the oven and put in the correct settings. When he finished he looked to me for approval. I nodded encouragingly. I was honestly a little relieved because if he had not known how to turn on the oven correctly this would have been a lot harder. I then instructed him to mix together some of the ingredients to set aside. Things actually went over well that was until we had to crack the eggs. I watched nervously as Jonghyun went on to to literally smash the egg on the side of the bowl. Jonghyun looked so devastated, he looked as if he had just accidentally kicked a puppy. 

“My egg...” He said mournfully. 

“Jonghyun, it’s okay. We have other eggs.” I said gently trying not to laugh as I took his hands and leading him to the sink to wash the egg off. I think he might be traumatized. This time I took his hand and guided him through the steps. After that things went over without a hitch and we successfully got the cake in the oven. I shook my head as I looked over the mess we (I use we lightly because Jonghyun made most of it) made trying to decide how to clean it up. Jonghyun on the other hand had other ideas. My eyes grew wide as he turned towards me with a handful of flour.

“Don’t you dare-” I got cut off as flour hit my face. Jonghyun just laughed and went to pick up something else to throw. I quickly grabbed the bowl that had the left over cake mix in it and grinned. He backed away with horror as I cornered him. I then dumped the whole on his head. I could barely stop laughing enough to watch as he removed the bowl from his head. 

“Oh its on, Kibum!” He exclaimed.

We then exploded into a blur of laughter and cake ingredients. Though I knew we’d eventually have to clean it up, it was amazing. In the midst of stolen kisses and thrown flour I forgot about what I would soon have to do. I was too caught up in the joy I was experiencing to even think about what we would soon become. Even when the oven alarm cut through our fun I still wasn’t thinking about. We found a clean spot to put the cake to cool then decided to begin working on the mess we had made of the kitchen. It probably took us a lot longer than we should have to clean the kitchen because we were laughing to hard. When we attempted to ice the cake Jonghyun thought it would be more fun to draw pictures on my already messy face.

“Jonghyun! It isn’t that hard the icing goes on the cake not my face!” I exclaimed. He just stuck his tongue out at me while he took the knife to finally ice the cake, after he finished that we realized we were still covered in various cake ingredients. 

“Kim Jonghyun! You made this mess,” I said gesturing towards myself, “you clean it up!” I grinned as he got the message and we stumbled happily towards the shower. 

After we finished our shower we returned to the kitchen to taste our creation. I began to take the foil we had placed on it off when Jonghyun stopped me.

“We should name it.” He grinned down at the cake. I raised an eyebrow.

“Jonghyun, it’s a cake. Not a baby.” 

“Yeah but we made it together so it’s kind of like our baby.” I laughed at his logic.

“But we have to eat it. Normal people don’t eat their babies.” He looked at me realizing I had a point.

“But it’s okay this is a special baby.” He insisted.

“Okay fine, lets name the thing.” I gave an amused sigh. Sometimes I really wondered about Jonghyun.

“It’s not a thing... It’s a girl!” I’m not sure I can eat the cake at this rate. Not only is it a baby, its our baby girl, and we are naming it. This is getting a little weird. 

“Okay fine, let’s name her!” I corrected myself. Jonghyun seemed to be thinking for a minute before he exclaimed:

“Min-Hee! Lets name her Min-hee!” He smiled.

“Okay Jonghyun, whatever you like.” I said shaking my head with amusement as I cut us both pieces of the cake. I gave Jonghyun a piece then got mine. 

“On the count of three!” I said and Jonghyun nodded looking a bit nervous.

“One, two, three!” My eye widened, It was edible! Not only that but it tasted pretty good too.

“Good job Jonghyun, It tastes great!” I smiled at him. 

“Ha yeah, like I actually did anything. You practically had to lead me through it.” He grinned “But yes, our baby is totally delicious.” He continued. I laughed as we continued to eat our cake in a comfortable silence. Then it hit me like a bucket of cold ice. My happiness was fleeting as I remembered what I had to do. Suddenly the cake wasn’t all that good anymore. My mouth went dry and my heart wrenched in pain. I couldn’t put it off much longer, it was almost 5 pm. Once we finished I cleaned up our plates and put the cake away as slowly as I could. I sighed as I finished, it was time. It was now or never. Half of me was screaming not to do this, we had a great time today. Maybe we could work it out if I just talked to him. All I had to do was ask him for help but I couldn’t do it. 

We had decided to go rest back in out bedroom. We set up against pillows and I was clinging as close to him as I could. I ignored the knot of pain in my chest and pulled back. 

“Jonghyun... We need to talk.” I said quietly.

“What is it?” His face etched with concern.

From there on it’s a blur. Me tearfully explaining to him that it had nothing to do with him, it was all my fault, but we had to break up. The look on his face when those words left my mouth will haunt me forever. I watched as tears spilled down his face.

“Kibum, what are you talking about? It doesn’t have to be this way! Just tell me what’s wrong... I can help you.” He pleaded grabbing my arm, trying to get me to look at him.

“No, you can’t... I just can’t do this anymore, Jonghyun. I’m sorry.” I whispered. 

“... Kibum, please. Don’t do this. I love you.” He pulled on my arm still trying to get me to look at him. But I couldn’t.  My gaze was stuck on the bed as I let him pull me limply as if I were a rag doll. If I looked at him again and saw the look on his face I wouldn’t be able to do this...and I had to do this. No matter what. 

“I love you too Jonghyun... But we need to take a break.” I replied as tears escaped my eyes. Suddenly his weight disappeared from the bed. I looked up surprised.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Packing.” He replied coldly as tears spilled down his face as well.

“But... Why?” I had already packed my things I was planning to leave myself. I couldn’t make Jonghyun leave but it seemed as if he had other plans.

“This was your place before I moved in with you, Kibum. It’s only fair that I leave.” At this point I didn’t reply. I just set on the bed helpless watching my now ex-boyfriend pack his things. I followed him to the door in silence once he finished.

We both stood at the door, tears hopelessly flowing down our faces. Our eyes met and suddenly we were kissing. I could feel his pain through the kiss. His confusion as to why, if I clearly still love him, I insisted on breaking up... He’d find out soon enough. His mouth left mine but he still held me tightly in his arms.

“I don’t understand Kibum.” He whispered painfully.

“I’m sorry...” 

“I love you.” Was his reply.

“I love you too.” I said back knowing it was the last time I’d ever be able to say it to him.” He pulled away, our hands now the only thing that linked us.

“Help me understand.” His eyes bore into mine. I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened my mouth to reply...

“You’ll understand soon enough.” Is all I said. He sighed and began to walk towards the door, releasing my hands. I looked at my hands almost confused; wishing his were there again. I was trying my hardest not sob. 

“I love you.” I called one last time as he opened the door. My voice cracked with the effort not to cry. 

“I love you too.” His tearful eyes met mine. I wanted to run after him and beg him not leave but I just stood in the same spot. The door shut with a load click. I knew he had collapsed outside the door... I could hear his sobs. I ran over to the door my hand on the knob. My hand dropped away from it as I dropped to the ground, my back against the door. We must have looked like a scene from a movie. Each of sobbing, the only thing separating was a door. But neither of us could open it. Neither of us could open the door. It was over now. It hurt, almost as if someone had stabbed me repeatedly. But soon it would be over forever... Soon I’d leave this earth. I refused to bring Jonghyun down with me. Depression had destroyed me. I could only hope my death was something that wouldn’t hold back. I could only hope that he get over me and move on with his life.

I hope you enjoyed the small bit of fluff in all of this angst. Sorry for any mistakes I missed, I hope you liked it~

Oh and I don’t own the lyrics at the top. They’re from Boyfriend’s “Janus”.