After Sungjong moved out Sungkyu spent most of his free time cleaning.  His apartment needed it desperately.  It wasn’t a chaotic mess but there were bits and pieces of people lingering, people that weren’t there anymore.  

“Wow, it’s so clean.  You should host my birthday part,” Dongwoo commented lightly a few weeks later when he visited.  There were new shelves for his books and cds and then there was the new coffee table they had just put together because the last one had been Sungjong’s.  After he moved out he had left a gaping empty space in the small living area in Sungkyu’s apartment.  It was weird, he didn’t have a coffee table before Sungjong moved in but when he moved out and took it with him suddenly the place looked like a hole without it.  

“Why are you having a birthday party?  Aren’t you too old for one?” Sungkyu asked as he restlessly straightened one of the books on his shelves.  He wasn’t sure that was his but couldn’t remember when it had turned up in his apartment.  Even after cleaning it was the same, pieces of people lingering, people that weren’t there anymore.  

He hadn’t really expected that to change even when he started, had only started to do something about the restlessness he felt after Sungjong left.  After living with another person for a while living alone felt too quiet, his apartment seemed too big and too cluttered all at the same time.  He’d thrown out that old espresso maker, some old books and magazines but there were things he knew he couldn’t throw away, could probably never throw away.  The bear at least was something he’d promised to keep for Sungjong.  

But he probably should have at least put it away in some dark corner where he wouldn’t see it every day rather than leave it sitting on his couch like a house guest.  He couldn’t quite do it though, couldn’t stand the thought of the fluffy white bear stuffed in the back of his closet.

He walked over and pulled it away from Dongwoo who gave him a look.  “That’s depressing, who gets too old to celebrate birthdays!  You’re hosting my birthday party this year!”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”  

In the end Sungkyu didn’t fight it, he knew Dongwoo was doing it more out of concern than anything. At the very least his way of expressing his concern was less depressing than his sister’s.  Besides, it was nice to have someone try to look after him and keep him from lounging around in his self-pity.  

The day before the party Sungkyu dyed his hair again, he’d dyed it immediately after Sungjong left because seeing the bright red with his dark roots growing in had made the whole situation more pitiful.  But the black didn’t suit him anymore either, that was what he felt anyways.

Sungkyu was relieved when Dongwoo took one quick glance at his newly honey brown hair and shot him a wide approving grin.  Dongwoo had good taste, generally.  But then Sungkyu noticed that Dongwoo came with way too much alcohol, no food, and a karaoke machine.  Then he started to worry for a different reason.

“What did I do last night?”  Those were the first words out of the stranger’s mouth the next morning.  Sungkyu didn’t know what the guy’s name was, all he knew was that they were the two broken hearted party poopers at Dongwoo’s birthday party that had ended barely five hours ago at that window of time in the morning that was simultaneously way too late and way too early.

He was never hosting another party, he promised himself.

Sungkyu had found the guy on his balcony with a few empty bottles after everyone else had cleared out of his apartment.  It was bizarre but it wasn’t as if he could have left the guy there and he did feel sorry for the guy.  Dongwoo had informed him with an inappropriate drunken grin that this guy was going through a bad breakup, as an explanation for the teary love ballad belted way too loud.  That had gotten his neighbours knocking on his door but thankfully they hadn’t called the cops.

And now that same guy was sitting on his sofa, Sungjong’s snow white bear clutched in his arms.  

“You passed out on the balcony...I found you after everyone left.”

For a moment he wasn’t sure the other man heard him, it was like he stared straight at nothing for a few agonisingly awkward moments.  He slumped suddenly, burying his face in the white fluff of the stuffed bear. Sungkyu thought he had fallen asleep again until he jerked his head up as suddenly as he slumped forward, stared right at Sungkyu all of a sudden.  

“Who are you?”  That kind of eye contact should be illegal, Sungkyu thought.  He stared at him right in the eye, barely blinking, gaze completely unwavering.

“Kim Sungkyu,” he answered while blinking way too much, jerking his head so that he was staring at his coffee table instead.  “This is my apartment...?  You threw up in my bathroom last night, you even apologised on your way out.”  He probably sounded a little bit annoyed but he was more awkward than anything.  This guy’s stare was kind of nerve wracking.

An embarrassed look passed over his features,  Sungkyu couldn’t help but to feel sorry for him.  “Sorry for the trouble...thanks for letting me stay over.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Sungkyu answered quickly, with a hint of a smile.  Obviously he felt crap enough without Sungkyu guilting him.

“Um…I’m Kim Myungsoo, I don’t think I introduced myself last night,” his voice cracked the second syllable of his name.

Sungkyu laughed lightly, “No you didn’t…nice to meet you.  I’m going to make some tea; I’ll bring you a cup.”  Myungsoo nodded with a sheepish grin, finally letting go of the teddy bear he’d been hugging close to his chest.

He followed Sungkyu to the kitchen, watching as he boiled water and took out the cups without saying anything.  It was nothing probably but his stare made the hairs on the back of Sungkyu’s neck stand up.  He dropped the box, tea bags scattering across the counter.  He had no idea when Myungsoo had stepped up beside him, somehow failed to notice it in spite of being hyper aware of him until their hands bumped, the younger man helping him gather the tea bags.

Sungkyu cleared his throat, “Thanks.  Oh…jasmine tea is fine?”

That stare up close, looking so intently at his face, it was even more unnerving.  Myungsoo just nodded.   The three minutes it took to steep the tea felt unbelievably stretched out.

“Here,” he handed the cup to the other man, still standing too close.  In fact he hadn’t even taken a single step back as he accepted the cup.  It was nothing, Sungkyu assumed.  So he just took step back himself, cradling his own cup in his hands.

“Thanks,” Myungsoo murmured after taking a sip.  “Man…how much did I drink last night?”

“I don’t know. I found five bottles on the balcony with you, I think.”  He was pretty sure that wasn’t all that Myungsoo drank though.  It was impressive, Sungkyu could handle two, maybe three, bottles at most.  Myungsoo winced visibly, handsome features creasing and becoming pinched, “I really am sorry for all the trouble I gave you.”

Even horribly hungover and lacking sleep he was terribly handsome, normally it would have made Sungkyu self conscious.  

He waved off the apology, smiling genuinely.  “I already said it’s fine, you weren’t the only one that got wasted,” he assured as he led them both out of the kitchen.  It was much better that way, settling on the couch that Myungsoo had slept on and setting the tea onto the coffee table, there was more space between them.  It wasn’t Myungsoo’s looks that made Sungkyu self conscious.

They didn’t talk much after that, Myungsoo settled next to him (a little bit too close) on the couch and pulled the bear into his lap again.  After that Sungkyu was too preoccupied with the thought of extracting the stuffed toy from this relative stranger’s grasp politely.

“If you’d like you can use the bathroom and shower or something.  Let me grab you towel.”

Sungkyu didn’t give him a chance to answer, just got up to go dig through his closet.  They’d finished the tea already after all, he wasn’t sure how long he could stand sitting there in silence with someone he barely knew.  Myungsoo really had no choice but to accept the towel with a quiet ‘thank you,’ and Sungkyu could only hope that after the shower he could politely get Myungsoo out of the apartment.  He needed to clean again.

He was checking over the white bear to make sure it was still all white and the sound of the shower had just started when Dongwoo rang the doorbell.

“You have my keys?”  Dongwoo looked ruined and Sungkyu felt absolutely no sympathy for him.

“Yes.  And I’m never letting you use my place for a party again.”  Dongwoo gave him a weird look as he handed his keys over, eyeing the bear that Sungkyu was still holding.

“You didn’t sleep with it did you?” he asked suspiciously, probably ready to give him a nagging speech about getting over his ex.  “I didn’t, give me some credit!”  Thankfully Dongwoo took his word for it and let that topic drop.  Unfortunately he heard the sound of the shower, peeking around Sungkyu curiously.

“Who’s that?”

“Kim Myungsoo…your friend,” Sungkyu answered in a slightly cross tone.  It was Dongwoo’s fault that he was even still there after all and the shocked look Dongwoo was giving him was ticking Sungkyu off just a little.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“God, no!  Give me so credit!”

The thing was this: if Dongwoo hadn’t said anything the thought wouldn’t have even crossed Sungkyu’s mind.  Cleaned up with his hair still damp, Kim Myungsoo was more than just handsome.  

It didn’t quite come out of the blue.  Sungkyu would have had to been completely dense to not notice, and he wasn’t no matter what some of his friends would claim.  Even still he hadn’t expected those words.

“You know we’re dating, right?” Woohyun said to him over a cup of hot chocolate one day, expression dead serious.  Dead serious was a rare look for Woohyun, he was the kind of person that was always ready with a joke, always ready to lighten the mood or the weight hanging on someone’s shoulders.  It was one of the things that made it so hard to stay away from him.

It wasn’t as if Sungkyu didn’t know Woohyun liked him and it wasn’t even that he was in denial over his own feelings either.  It was just that he’d never dated another man before and he assumed that it was different than dating a woman.

So he had no idea how to start dating Woohyun.

“Isn’t it only dating when we both know?” he asked after a pause that lasted too long.

They’d been doing date like things for a while but he wasn’t sure when they might have crossed the line from friends to boyfriends.  It was a much blurrier line than stranger to girlfriend or classmate to girlfriend.

“Okay,” Woohyun conceded after a moment, staring at the steam rising from their matching cups.  He’d given them to Woohyun for his birthday last month.  “Then I’m saying it now, that I want us to be dating.  So…what about you?”

It was said so straightforwardly on purpose, Sungkyu realised, left him with no way to deny or avoid the situation.  He wouldn’t have anyways but he’d never been very good at expressing himself when he got nervous so he appreciated the help.  It narrowed down the possible responses he could give.

“Me too,” it surprised them both how certain he sounded.  Woohyun broke into a wide grin and for the first time he leaned over and kiss Sungkyu lightly like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Unfortunately it didn’t come naturally to Sungkyu.

It was a month later and their fifth official date.  Apparently making things official made Sungkyu stupid, it was the only conclusion he could come to when he wondered why things had become so awkward so quickly.  The casual touches that he’d never bothered to think too hard about before made him nervous suddenly.  They hadn’t held hands or anything before but Woohyun would throw his arm over Sungkyu’s shoulder and he’d never questioned it, just enjoyed the affection and leaned into the other man without thinking much of it.

The worst part though was that Woohyun noticed it, he had to have because he wasn’t an idiot.  It was the third time he’d reached for Sungkyu’s hand and the third time Sungkyu pulled away.  He wanted to bang his head against the wall or any hard surface really.  It was stupid, it wasn’t as if he didn’t want to be touched but at some point he became hyper aware of the fact that other people could see them.  Hyper aware that other people might see that he was in love with this guy hanging off of him when he hadn’t even yet been able to say it.

Those words had never come easily to Sungkyu but they were heavier than ever this time.  He wasn’t ashamed that he had feelings for another man, it should have been the same as when he’d been in love with a woman but he could tell himself that a million times and it wouldn’t change anything.  The words were too heavy.  Besides it was too soon to say that, he wasn’t even sure Woohyun would want to hear those words.

He was sure that he had to give Woohyun something though.  It was as if by agreeing to date Sungkyu had put their relationship three steps back, rather than becoming closer they felt more distant than when they’d said their first hello.

To make it more difficult Woohyun was being infuriatingly patient with him.  If he’d just pushed Sungkyu a bit, put a bit of pressure on him, it wouldn’t have been as much of a problem.  He knew he was being unfair, pushing the blame on Woohyun but like this it was as if both of them were paralyzed, afraid to scare the other off.  Someone had to do something about it but Sungkyu wasn’t sure how to.

They were standing outside the apartment complex, an uncomfortable amount of space between them.  If only it was possible for Sungkyu to lean in and kiss Woohyun like it was the most natural thing, all he could manage was an awkward pat on the shoulder.

Woohyun laughed.

“I’m not going to bite, you know.”  There was a note of frustration in his voice, just barely there.  Strangely it made Sungkyu feel relieved.

“I don’t mind if you do though.”  It was awful really and not what Sungkyu actually wanted to say but it made them both laugh, even if he had to hide his face behind his hands for a moment after the words slipped out.  “You won’t let me hold your hand but you’d let me bite you?  Are you crazy?”

“I’m sorry,” Sungkyu managed to get out between laughs, it still wasn’t quite what he wanted to say but for the time being it didn’t really matter.  “It’s awkward in the middle of the street…”

“So what you’re saying is…if it’s not the middle of the street I can hold your hand and even bite you?”  Woohyun’s words were at odds with the serious and thoughtful expression on his face.

“What I’m saying is…you should come up for hot chocolate.”  Since he couldn’t let Woohyun hold his hand Sungkyu reached out for his.  Woohyun pulled his hand away and gave Sungkyu a crooked grin, “Hey…not in public.”

He leaned in, words physically brushing against Sungkyu’s cheek.  “But when we’re upstairs I’ll bite you,” he promised laughingly.

It wasn’t as simple as breaking up, if breaking up could be called simple at all but more than that the whole situation was complicated by the fact that they shared an apartment.  The fights that led up to the break up had been terrible and that last fight of course they had both said things they didn’t really mean, hurtful things that were only half true.  Sungjong had left in angry tears while Sungkyu was left alone to deal with their words echoing in the silent apartment for hours.

He waited up for hours before falling asleep on the couch, Sungjong didn’t return until the morning.  His eyes were swollen and puffy, Sungkyu’s too.

Breaking up wasn’t anything like the fight, there was no screaming and it wasn’t something done on whim.  ‘I’m sorry,’ they both said it tiredly, quietly at some point that morning.  They were leaning against each other when one of them finally suggested it, to end the relationship.  It didn’t come as a surprise to either of them, not after months of fighting.

It didn’t necessarily make it easier but as much as the break up was painful it wasn’t the most difficult part.

It was two weeks before Sungjong packed up and moved out, it wasn’t as if they could just end things and step out of the other’s life.  And as much as they fought the temptation of getting back together had been hard to resist.  The feelings they had for each other were far from hate, it just wasn’t really love anymore either, not unless love made them want to rip each other’s hair out.

Maybe they were too similar in too many ways, whatever the case it was too soon for Sungkyu to analyse properly.

He fiddled with the roll of tape in his hands, he’d sealed the last of Sungjong’s boxes but he wasn’t really ready to look at him.

“Sorry it took me so long to find a place,” Sungjong spoke first, though when Sungkyu looked at him across the stack of boxes he didn’t meet his gaze.  “That wasn’t long; I’m surprised you found a good place so quickly.  It’s a good place, right?  Safe?”

It wasn’t as if they’d stopped caring about each other.  They hadn’t, not at any point; Sungkyu thought that maybe neither of them was capable of not caring even if they expressed it differently. Sungjong smiled thinly, peering at the older man through his bangs, “I’ll be fine, really.”

Without thinking Sungkyu reached over to brush the hair out of Sungjong’s face and the younger man didn’t even flinch.  Maybe that was their last moment, the last time they would think of each other with that kind of tenderness.

Sungjong cleared his throat after a moment, “My friend is going to be by to help me move…”

“I have to get going to work anyways, so you can just—”

“I’ll leave the key in your mailbox,” Sungjong finished for him with a sad laugh while Sungkyu just nodded wistfully as he took a step back.

It was painful, the thought that when he came back home the apartment would be empty of Sungjong and his things.  It seemed crazy even, that Sungjong wouldn’t be there in the kitchen, cooking and dancing at the same time when he came home.  Thursdays Sungjong would cook curry, if he wasn’t there what was Sungkyu going to have for dinner tonight?

There were thousands of little things he would miss, all of them a part of Sungjong.

Sungjong walked over to the couch and picked up the snow white bear sitting there, it was the one that Sungkyu had gotten him as a gift not long after they’d moved in together.  He pet its head lightly like something precious and delicate.  “Will you keep this guy for me?” he asked suddenly.  He stared at Sungkyu, lips pressed into a thin shaking line.  There was no way he could say no to that face even if the thought of keeping that bear when Sungjong was no longer there made him faintly nauseous.  It would just be a constant reminder of his absence and Sungkyu knew that he wouldn’t throw it out.

“Okay,” he agreed after a moment, voice shaky.

“You won’t throw him out?”

“I won’t.  I promise.”

Sungjong hugged him then; the stuffed bear squished between them, and hid his face in Sungkyu’s shoulder as he started to cry quietly.  He was going to be late for work but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that because when he came home from work Sungjong wouldn’t be here anymore.  He didn’t let go until Sungjong stopped crying.

“Sorry, now you’re going to be late.”

“A little bit later won’t make a difference,” he assured quietly, rubbing at Sungjong’s back in soothing circles.

“Maybe in a few months we could—“

“Grab some drinks or something?”

“Yeah,” Sungjong sighed as he finally pulled back and looked at Sungkyu’s face hopefully.

“I’d like that.  In a few months.”  Honestly he wasn’t sure that would be a good idea, wasn’t sure he’d have moved on enough to ever see Sungjong again but the thought was nice.  The thought that they weren’t walking out of each other’s lives forever was something he needed, so while he didn’t make that into a promise it was something to hope for.

“Okay,” Sungjong accepted it at that.  After that there wasn’t much left to say,  just murmured a quiet goodbye and went on his way.

He could focus on nothing except for the fact that when he got home the apartment would be empty and quiet, that there was nothing to look forward to when he went back.  Sungkyu stood staring into his dark apartment for a few minutes that night when he got home.  The boxes that had been neatly stacked when he left the apartment were gone; there was an empty space in front of the couch where the coffee table had been.

Sungjong’s stuffed bear was sitting at the small dining table where Sungjong usually sat with a note balanced in its soft arms.

There’s curry in the fridge.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry but the curry was delicious even eaten alone.  Afterwards he sat the bear down on the couch and watched television sitting next to it and he didn’t fight the misery that came with this feeling of loneliness.

It was something that he’d get over, but for now it was fine like this.  There was nothing wrong with missing someone that he’d loved.

The end~  ...or not?  There's going to be a small epilogue but I wanted to get this part up before valentine's day.  I probably won't post anything else before then so happy valentine's day!  and happy lunar new year too!  Until then I have a little poll that I wanted to do out of curiosity...indulge me a little?

in the context of this story is what I mean of course... and if you wanna share why I'd love to know that too...  Dongwoo kind of surprised me, I feel like I accidentally wrote him into a semi love interest without meaning to so I included him in the poll to.  I have someone in mind of course but I'm curious what people think when reading it.