It’s when you least expect it that you meet that person.  That person.

It was what Sungkyu’s sister told him once after he had his heartbroken for the first time some time ago, three breakups back.  Obviously he met someone, several someones, but none of them ended up being that person and each time his sister found out that his relationship didn’t work out it seemed like she said the same thing again just by looking at him with that sad understanding stare.

It was out of concern for her younger brother obviously and for that Sungkyu appreciated it even if that look always made him feel just a little bit pathetic.  It also made him wonder what exactly qualified someone as that person.  His sister was the hopelessly romantic sort so maybe she meant love at first sight with a side of heart palpitations, someone that made minutes and seconds stop, and of course someone that appeared when love was the last thing in mind.

He was more of a realist, by those standards maybe he would never meet someone that qualified for that romantic notion his sister seemed to hold.  He was okay with that too and while he hadn’t given up on love or anything quite so dramatic he was ready for a break from dating after the particularly messy third break up.

Of course that was when Sungkyu met Woohyun.

It was too cold to be out.  Sungkyu had to wonder why he was out other than the fact that it was the last day of the New Year holiday and he felt obligated to make something of it even if his family wasn’t doing anything.  If not for his messy breakup that had blown up in his face a week before Christmas he would have been spending it with his girlfriend.  The memory of that was still fresh but rather than feeling down and sorry for himself Sungkyu forced himself to just feel relieved.  If they weren’t happy together it was better that they weren’t together at all.

So it wasn’t like he decided to go out to avoid thinking about his failed relationship.

He had to admit it though, if nothing else he regretted going out without a proper hat.  It felt like his ears were going to fall off and he was in between bus stops, it’d be at least another five minute walk without even factoring in the wait.  

The next coffee shop that came along Sungkyu didn’t walk past it.  Since he had no place to rush to, no one he had to meet up with, it made no difference if he made an unplanned stop.  Walking in the warm air wrapped around him like a blanket, having been cold enough to lose his mind he thought he could sleep there if the day didn’t warm up.  He brought up a hand to rub at his ears as if to make sure they were still there, left side then right side.  

The shop was crowded and busy, it took Sungkyu twenty minutes to place his order and it was only by some small new year’s blessing that he managed to find a free table after that.  Belatedly he remembered that he wasn’t even fond of coffee, he’d started to drink it more often because his last girlfriend had enjoyed it and somewhere along the way of dating her drinking it had half become a habit.  

He gave up, he acknowledged this one coffee order as proof positive that as much as he was trying to hurry up the moving on process his last relationship was still with him, lingering like the smell of coffee beans in his apartment.  He held the cup for the time being, just letting himself appreciate the fact that it was warming him up at least.  It’d be his last cup of coffee for a while so he might as well enjoy it.  

He appreciated it even more when it started to snow lightly outside.  Sitting by the window, watching people walk by, Sungkyu tried not to notice how many of them were holding hands.

“Is this seat taken?”  The voice cut through his thoughts, distracting Sungkyu from thinking of the unopened bag of ground coffee beans and now useless espresso maker he had sitting in his apartment.

The coffee shop had been busy when he came in but without him noticing it had become packed, not a single table free.  He wondered for a moment why the stranger had approached him but a quick look around gave him the answer, Sungkyu was the only one sitting alone at a table.  It made him feel just a little bit embarrassed and he contemplated just leaving and letting the guy take his table but he hadn’t taken even a single sip from his coffee and the snow showed no sign of stopping.

“It’s free,” he answered finally with a hesitant smile.  

“Thanks.”  The other man smiles]d and sat down across from Sungkyu.  The table wasn’t very big so Sungkyu automatically pulled his legs back to avoid touching the stranger.  He kept his jacket on as he settled across the table and belatedly Sungkyu realised that he hadn’t taken his off either.  He was warm enough that he didn’t need to stay bundled up in it but taking it off now would also imply that he intended to stay sitting here for sometime and he wasn’t sure he would.  His coffee was still untouched though, Sungkyu frowned.

“Is the coffee bad?”  Sungkyu was startled again, he looked up from his coffee to find the stranger staring at him curiously.

“No, I just...don’t like coffee that much,” he responded lamely and glanced away quickly.

Hearing himself say it, it sounded really stupid.

His unexpected companion laughed (not unkindly).  “Well it’s still good for keeping warm, right?  I didn’t expect it to be so cold today.”

He had a warm smile, a smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes and made it hard not to smile back.  Sungkyu didn’t even realise he was smiling until the other man’s smile deepened.  “Seriously, if it doesn’t warm up I’m just going to stay here until spring!” he added, as if encouraged by Sungkyu’s response.

It wasn’t really funny but the way he said it and the way he leaned forward, propping his elbows against the table, still with that unfaltering smile...  Sungkyu didn’t laugh but he seemed to in the way he tried to press his lips together to keep from smiling too widely (he couldn’t keep the corners of his lips down).  “They’d probably kick you out at closing.”

Absently he noted that the song playing in the background was changing, another cheerful tune that suited the holidays sung by some idol group he couldn’t remember the name of even though he thought he knew the song (they had been her favourite group, maybe).  

“That still gives me a while, right?”

Sungkyu nodded and didn’t even try to pretend that he wasn’t grinning.  There was a moment where they didn’t speak, the sound of the song and the murmur of people around them rushed at his senses, suddenly loud.  Strangers sharing a table didn’t need to speak to each other, Sungkyu was only passing time and warming up, this guy was probably just waiting to meet someone.  But for some reason he wanted to talk.

He fiddled with the ear of the cup, the coffee wasn’t even warm any more.  How much time had he passed sitting here, trying not to think of anything?  Maybe he should just get up and leave, he thought.  But he was reluctant to, there was still nowhere for him to hurry to, no one for him to meet, here instead he’d ended up meeting a stranger but it seemed like a silly reason to stay.

“Let me buy you another cup.”

It was the third time this guy shocked him and this time it showed all over Sungkyu’s face, “Why?”

“Well,” the world was drawn out and he pursed his lips as if he was considering the question seriously.  “That cup looks like it won’t work as a handwarmer anymore.”

He doesn’t give Sungkyu a chance to respond to that, getting up and heading to the counter.  Sungkyu just sat there in confusion until the other man returned with a cup of hot chocolate and that smile that girls probably found irresistible.  Not just girls probably, but Sungkyu was too startled to smile back.

“Maybe you can drink this and warm your hands with it.”

“Thank you,” he probably sounded more stunned than thankful.  Sungkyu knew he was staring when the man across from him shrugged off his coat as he sat down as if to announce that he wasn’t going to be leaving, at least not until Sungkyu decided to.

“I’m Nam Woohyun,” he introduced finally and held his hand out to Sungkyu.

“Kim Sungkyu,” shaking the hand and introducing himself in turn was really an automatic response.  

He really wasn’t sure what to think, all he knew was that the name Nam Woohyun seemed to repeat itself in his mind seven times before Woohyun said something else as he pulled his hand back.  Woohyun’s hand was really warm.

He was halfway in love before they even started dating.  It was never like that with Sungkyu, he was reserved with his feelings generally, didn’t fall in love easily.  Maybe he’d always been like that or else maybe it was that first heartbreak that began to change him.  Even with Woohyun it hadn’t come easily, though when he did fall in love he fell deep.  That was the problem, he had fallen deeper than ever before that time and while he could say nothing bad of his last relationship the only way to describe it now was bittersweet.  

Sungkyu hadn’t given up on love, he wasn’t that kind of cynic, but at the very least he thought it would be hard to do that again.  To fall in love so deeply and without fear.

“Hyung, are you doubting me?”  Sungjong’s light voice broke through his thoughts, Sungkyu gave the younger man a guilty grin though the guilt didn’t come from doubting him.  He should have been thinking only of Sungjong.  That thought itself was like a switch though and the moment he thought it all Sungkyu could focus on was Sungjong running his fingers through his hair.

“I trust you, Jongie.”

“Good,” came the satisfied response.  Sungjong almost turned back to the hair dye he was mixing but stopped and turned to Sungkyu instead again.  He closed his eyes knowing the kiss was coming, it was light and quick but for that quick moment Sungkyu felt like he was floating.

It had taken him three months to even ask Sungjong out, because he could only go get a haircut so often and he wasn’t the kind of guy that could ask someone out the first time he met them.  So in those three months the initial attraction he’d felt to the younger man had built up into something that Sungkyu had never experienced before.  Back then he’d only been able to learn bits and pieces of information about Sungjong, fragments really that had been gathered from their broken conversations while Sungjong cut his hair.  Bits and pieces that always just left him desperate to learn more but he could never ask anything too personal or meaningful, that stage of their relationship had been filled with light and easy small talk that Sungkyu was usually terrible at.

But damn did he try for the sake of finding out more about Sungjong.  It had been obvious too, the first (second, really) visit Sungjong had given him more than a few weird looks.  The next time he’d give Sungkyu a few weird looks but more than a few smiles.  And then finally the third time it had been all smiles plus a few laughs.  He’d asked Sungjong out after that and the younger man had smiled then as well, the sweetest smile.

I was wondering when you’d cough it out.

By then he’d been half in love and by now Sungkyu had no doubt he was totally and utterly in love.

He’d learned everything he wanted after that.  He learned that Sungjong’s favourite colour was yellow, that he felt self conscious about his chin, and that he didn’t like being called pretty.  That last one he wished he’d known earlier but from that experience Sungkyu had learned that he could sometimes hug Sungjong out of his sour moods.

Sungjong liked to dance to girl group songs, he liked to have banana milk first thing in the morning, he slept with a stuffed bear at night, these were things Sungkyu had learned recently.  Even after all of it though he found that he still couldn’t get enough.  Not knowing everything about Sungjong was not enough.  

Sungkyu was sure he’d never been this in love before, he was sure he’d never wanted to touch someone as much as he wanted to touch Sungjong, it was the first time he felt like it was only natural for his perception to be centered entirely to one person.

He reached out from where he sat on the closed toilet seat in their bathroom, poking at Sungjong’s waist.

“I’m going to look cool, right?”

Sungjong set the brush down, looking over at Sungkyu with an exasperated but affectionate smile, “The coolest.”

“Cool enough that you’ll fall for me completely?”

Sungkyu noticed that just faintly Sungjong’s hands were shaking even if his smile was still the same.  “What are you saying?”  There was a half formed laugh in his tone and Sungkyu doesn’t suppress his need to take Sungjong’s wrist, pulling him closer gently.  

“I’m saying...”  He faltered, Sungkyu faltered because he’d never loved anyone this much and he thought maybe it was the same for Sungjong.  He hoped it was the same for Sungjong.

“I’m saying that I love you.”  The words were heavy, maybe that was why he felt like he was floating after he said them.

Sungjong was silent for a moment but it wasn’t a long moment, not even to Sungkyu.  The silence was broken by Sungjong’s little laugh, half embarrassed and half delighted.  Sungkyu was still sitting while Sungjong was standing at his full height so when Sungjong hugged him he ended up pressed to Sungjong’s chest.  

It took another moment but Sungkyu didn’t mind, didn’t feel anxious from the wait.

“I love you too.”

“Really?”  Sungkyu asked, not because he needed the reassurance but because he liked the way it made Sungjong laugh, shoving at his shoulders.  Sungkyu had his arms wrapped firmly around Sungjong’s waist and he wasn’t budging.

“Didn’t you figure that out when I agreed to move in?  You should have said it earlier!  Stupid Sungkyu, you do everything backwards!”  They laughed together and held each other until Sungjong crouched so that they could kiss and then they kissed until they were laughing again.

“You said it in the bathroom of all places, you really are horrible.”

“Am I really?”

“No.”

The thing about being in love was that each time in that moment it felt like this was the one, this person is that person.  Every time in that moment Sungkyu was sure he thought the same thing, that he had never loved anyone else this much.  

“Sungjongie, I’ve never loved anyone this much.  Really.”

Maybe he’d said the same thing before but right now he was only thinking of Sungjong.

Sungkyu knew how to fall in love, he knew how to be in love, what he didn’t know was how to fall out of love.  He wasn’t sure he ever fell out of love completely, not with first love, not with Woohyun, and not with Sungjong.  It was strange, even though love was something that seemed to simply happen, a feeling that dropped into his life without warning, it wasn’t something that simply walked out.  Perhaps it was that if it was ever that easy to fall out of love then he’d never been in love to begin with.

It was painful, almost too painful, each time it felt as if his stomach was trying to claw its way out of his body and his heart both sped up and slowed down until he thought he was dying.  Making the decision to end a relationship when he still loved the other person was more than difficult, it was heartbreaking.

Sungkyu broke his own heart, he didn’t blame Myungsoo in the slightest.

It wasn’t Myungsoo’s fault that he was too young (though Sungkyu really wasn’t much older), that Myungsoo knew how to fall in love but didn’t know how to be in love.  Maybe it was Sungkyu’s fault because he felt like he couldn’t be the one to teach him.  

Myungsoo’s gaze that was usually intense and focused was turned away from him now, looking at something else or looking at nothing.  It was a relief really because Sungkyu wasn’t sure he could say what he had to if Myungsoo was looking at him.  It would make him step back and try to fix it, try to kiss their problems away.

“I’m sorry.”

When Myungsoo finally looked at him without saying anything he flinched.  

It was a terribly weak thing to say but it felt necessary.  He was sorry for a lot of things but most of all maybe he was sorry that he couldn’t keep trying.  They had both fallen in love but did it at a different rate, Myungsoo crashed down like a boulder while Sungkyu had drifted lightly like a feather.  By the time Sungkyu had caught up he didn’t know where Myungsoo was anymore.

Maybe he didn’t love the other man enough, if he did he would have kept trying but the truth was that while Sungkyu could still fall in love without fear being in love without knowing where the other person stood was too terrifying.  He couldn’t stand being at the center of Myungsoo’s world one moment and then pushed away into the shadows the next.  Sungkyu knew he was loved but that was the only thing he knew, he couldn’t work through that uncertainty. He’d been heartbroken enough times to know when the Titanic of heartbreaks was at the horizon and he had to end it before they both fell out of love and just started hating each other.

He didn’t blame Myungsoo for it, it wasn’t his fault that Sungkyu had to protect himself but maybe he couldn’t blame himself either.  If they had at least been happy together, if their smiles outweighed the silence, Sungkyu would have kept trying.

Myungsoo wasn’t happy and he wasn’t either.  They could have struggled to stay together but where would it go except for misery?

“I love you.”

He hadn’t expected Myungsoo to say anything, he rarely said anything of what he was feeling, didn’t like to explain himself or maybe afraid of the intensity of his feelings.  

It was hard, so hard, to not breach the distance between them and just hold onto Myungsoo and his words.  If it was enough he would have but Sungkyu knew it wasn’t, that as much as Myungsoo loved him things wouldn’t change because Myungsoo wasn’t ready for it and Sungkyu wasn’t the right person to show him.  Sungkyu was too young and not young enough at the same time, he couldn’t be the patient teacher but he also couldn’t be a passionate first love that fought tooth and nail for its place.

He wanted to tell Myungsoo that he loved him too but to say that now of all times would have been too cruel to both of them.  

“But it makes you miserable,” his words hurt both of them but it was only the truth.

Myungsoo nodded, his entire body looking heavy and his expression looking exhausted.

Sungkyu could barely breath, “I want you to be happy and I’d like to be happy as well.”

People called Myungsoo Ice Prince because of his stoic expression but Sungkyu of all people knew how far from the truth it was.  It was just that he didn’t express himself well but felt twice as strongly as most people Sungkyu knew, it was something that was both incredibly beautiful and difficult.  Myungsoo was looking away again but it did nothing to hide his tears.

Sungkyu broke his own heart, if that was all he wouldn’t have felt so guilty but he broke Myungsoo’s heart as well.

He hugged Myungsoo and tried not to love him more, because they were breaking up and that would only make things more painful for everyone.  “I don’t think we’re going to be happy together,” he confessed.

He felt the younger man shake, heard the way he choked on his breath, and felt like utter scum for doing this.  There was anger in Myungsoo’s voice when he spoke, “So you’re not even going to try?”

Even though he was angry Myungsoo didn’t push him away, now of all times.  

“I tried.  I can’t keep trying, trying doesn’t mean anything when nothing changes but I don’t want to tell you to change.”

Myungsoo was clutching at the fabric of Sungkyu’s jacket, desperate and frustrated.  When he tried to kiss him Sungkyu had to jerk away, had to remind himself that Myungsoo was wonderful and beautiful the way he was but the only way for them to stay together would require one or both of them to warp unrecognizably.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.”

There would be someone else, someone that fit together with Myungsoo without forcing him to conform to a different shape or maybe someone that just fit better that could change and grow with him.  There would be someone else for both of them hopefully.  Sungkyu wasn’t giving upon love but he was exhausted, so tired he felt halfway dead, so he thought maybe it was finally time for that vacation.  Time away from Seoul and all the heartbreaks that had taken place there, time off from falling in love.

You know how when you write something it feels like it's so long, you've put all this time into it, etc...  And then you read it and it goes by like a breeze?  Yeah...feels a bit unsatisfying, lol.