A/N: Listen to this while reading! 

Luhan sat in stunned silence.  Sehun bit his lip, dreading what he had to say next.  “I’m really sorry.  I just…I just think I need some time alone.”

Luhan felt as if he had been punched in the chest.  He couldn’t breathe; he could barely process what was happening. 

“Lulu, I just want to say-“

That word—that nickname—woke something dangerous inside of Luhan.  “Don’t call me that,” he muttered spitefully. 

Sehun stopped, looking at him curiously.  “Huh?”

“I said…don’t call me that,” he repeated, allowing the anger to color his voice. 

“Please.  Please don’t be like this!” Sehun gasped, his words strangled with emotion.

“Like what?  You’re the one who’s breaking up with me,” Luhan snapped.  “You know what Sehun?  Just get out.”

He stood and grabbed Sehun’s arm, yanking him onto his feet and pulling him towards the door.  Sehun tried to struggle, pleading with him. “Luhan!  Don’t do this!  I didn’t want it to be like this!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Now get out,” Luhan ordered, his tone scarily even.  Sehun refused, though, to let it end like this.  This was not what he wanted at all.  Luhan was his best friend, and he never planned for this.

“Please!” he cried, trying one last time to get through to Luhan. 

“Leave!” Luhan shouted.  “I don’t ever want to see you again!”

With those hateful words hanging in the air, he slammed the door in his ex-boyfriend’s face. 

The sound of the door closing shook Luhan to the core.  He slid down the wall, tears streaming down his face, hugging his knees to his chest.  His entire body was racked with sobs as the enormity of what had just occurred settled in.  Sehun had been his whole life.  Now what did he have?  Who was going to be there for him?  He collapsed into tears, his grief overwhelming him.

Sehun stood, stunned beyond words, in the hall for several seconds, hoping desperately that the door would open again. 

It didn’t.

Sehun felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he reached down to check the caller id.  It was an unknown number, so he moved to put it away.  Before he could though, the person behind him tapped his shoulder.   “Could you go somewhere else with that?  We’re trying to watch the movie.”

Sehun rolled his eyes, but he responded politely, “Of course, sir.  My apologies.”  Sighing, he stood to leave, taking out his cellphone again.  Now that he had the time, he might as well answer.

Just before it went to voicemail, he answered the call, putting the phone to his ear.  “Hello?”

“Sehun?” came a timid reply.

Sehun felt his heart stop.  “Luhan?!”

Before he could prevent them, all the memories and feelings flooded back, invading his brain and interrupting his thinking.  It had been six years.  Six years.  And this boy—well, man now—could still make his knees weak.  He had thought then, years ago, that breaking up was the right thing. 

Although it probably was—Sehun had gone far since that day—he never forgot the guilt.  He could never get over the sense that everything that had transpired that day was somehow his fault.  Luhan had deserved to be mean.  It was what he would have done, if he had been in that situation. 

Luhan’s next words brought him back to reality. 

“Sehun, I need you to come over.”

“Wh-what?” Sehun stuttered.  He couldn’t help it that his cheeks warmed at the words. 

Six years.  Six years.  He had to remember that.  He wasn’t going to fall for this.  Not now.

“I need you.  I know this is sudden, and weird, but I need you to come over.  Just…please.” 

There was something in his voice that made Sehun tense up.  His blush went away and his resolve crumbled as he realized that Luhan was in some sort of trouble.  There was no way he’d be calling if he wasn’t.  They hadn’t talked since the breakup.  If Luhan was calling him now, something was wrong.  He was sure of it. 

“Of course.  Where are you?”

“The same apartment.  The door’s unlocked.  Just…come in.”

Now Sehun knew something was wrong.  Luhan sounded on the verge of tears.  “I’m on my way.”

He hung up, stuffing his phone in his pocket and running for the doors.  He hopped in his car and peeled away, adrenaline racing as he navigated the streets.  Through it all, he could honestly say he would never forget where Luhan lived. 

When he reached the apartment building, he pulled into the parking lot and raced in, feeling the uncontrollable urge to run to him.  The elevator proved to be too slow, so Sehun took the stairs, practically flying up the three flights to Luhan’s floor.  He barged through the door, not really knowing what to expect, but not fearing it either.

But he should have.  He should have been afraid. 

“Luhan?” he called out as he entered.  There was no one in the living room, and no one in the kitchen. 

“In here.”

He heard a whisper coming from the bathroom, and he rushed in. 

He froze.

Oh my God.

Luhan was kneeling on the floor, tears staining his cheeks, in a pool of…blood.  His own blood.

Suddenly, Sehun couldn’t breathe.  It was as if something was constricting his chest.   “Luhan…” he stuttered.  All he could do was stare.  It was so much blood.

“Sehun.  You came.”  Luhan’s voice was quiet, but his eyes were filled with joy at the sight of his ex-boyfriend filling the doorway. 

That snapped Sehun out of his trance.  The way Luhan looked at him assured him that he had never forgotten him.  Just as Sehun had never forgotten him. 

“Of course I came,” he told him, crouching at the edge of the blood.  He had to jerk his eyes away from the blood.  All that red…

“But what I did to you…”  Luhan’s small smile fell, and his eyes filled with tears again. 

“No.  No!  That was six years ago!  I forgave you a long time ago.  Did you…forgive me?” Sehun asked hesitantly, unsure of what to do. 

Luhan closed his eyes, in a sharp breath as he moved a little.  Then he nodded, and Sehun felt a weight lift off his shoulders.  It had been there so long, he had barely even recognized it anymore, but now that it was gone, the guilt, he felt much lighter. 

But then his stomach sank as he re-assessed the situation.  His brain was muddled.   He knew he needed to do something.  Something to try to help Luhan.  But he couldn’t seem to think of what it could be. 

When Luhan situated himself, he had revealed his arms.  His once smooth, pale, beautiful skin was horribly scarred, marred with bumps and creases.   Then Sehun’s eyes landed on the bloody stripes going across his wrists.  He felt like he was going to throw up. 

“No!” he told himself, gathering his strength. 

He took a tentative step into the circle of blood, feeling it slick the bottom of his shoes.  When he reached Luhan, he bent down again, taking Luhan’s arm in both his hands. 

“Luhan, these look deep,” he murmured, looking into his eyes, “What happened?”

Luhan drew a shuddering breath and pulled his arm away from Sehun’s grip.  “Nothing.  It doesn’t matter.  Not anymore.”

Sehun moved his hands to Luhan’s face, forcing him to look into his eyes.  “No!  This is serious!  You could die!”

Luhan just closed his eyes, letting a tear slip out of the corner of his eye.  A ghost of a smile passed his face, and then it hit him. 

“Oh God.  Luhan.  Why did you do this?!” he cried.  Sehun fumbled with his cellphone once again, dialing 911 with shaking fingers.   When the lady answered, he stuttered through Luhan’s address, saying they needed an ambulance right away.  While he spoke, he didn’t dare take his eyes off of Luhan.  

When he hung up, he repeated.  “Just…why?”

Luhan managed a wry smile, but it just made Sehun even sadder.  What could possibly make Luhan want to end his own life?   “Isn’t it obvious?” he chuckled dryly.  “I didn’t want to live anymore.”  His demeanor had changed from weak to bitter in a second.  His face was hard, and Sehun felt his heart sink at the thought that it might have something to do with him.

As if he could read Sehun’s mind, Luhan continued, “And no.  It’s not all because of you.  Don’t give yourself that much credit.”  At his ex-boyfriend’s pitying look, he spat weakly, “I don’t want your pity.  That’s not why I called you.  I don’t even want you to save me!  This is what I want, Sehun.”

“Then why did you call me?”

Luhan shuddered and lost his balance, and Sehun instinctively reached out and caught him.   Their eyes locked again, both browns as confused and unsure as the other.   Luhan looked up at Sehun, the only man he’d ever truly loved, and whispered, “I don’t know.  Maybe because I just wanted to see you.  One last time.  I wanted to be with you at the end.”

Sehun felt his heart clench, and the tears began to prick his eyes.  Suddenly, all the feelings he’d felt for this man came pouring back.   “Don’t leave Luhan.  I’m so sorry!  I’ve never forgotten you!  I haven’t even…dated since then,” he admitted.

Luhan smiled again, and this time it was real.  “Sehun, I wasn’t lying when I said it wasn’t all because of you.  My mom died two years ago, and I lost my job, and…  I don’t have anything to hold onto anymore, Sehun.  I just want to leave.”

“You can have me!  You can hold onto me!” Sehun cried, meaning every word.  Seeing Luhan like this made him revert to their days as a couple.  The days when Luhan would be scared from a thunderstorm, and he’d call Sehun.   He’d drive over, no matter the weather, and hold Luhan until he fell asleep.   It was just like now.  Except…they weren’t together anymore. 

And Luhan knew that.  “I know, Sehun.  You don’t have to look that nervous.  Even though we didn’t work out, you’ll always be my best friend.  You’ll always be the person who knew the most about me.  You’ll always…have a place in my heart.”

Sehun could hear the sirens now, and he shook Luhan.  “Open your eyes!  Luhan, come on!  They’re here!  They’re going to save you!”

But Luhan’s eyes continued to shut, a peaceful look softening his face.  His voice barely audible now, he whispered, “Thank you Sehun.  This is what I wanted.”  He reached up to touch Sehun’s face gently, and Sehun captured his hand in his, keeping it there.  His hand was cold.  “I wanted you to be here with me.  Do me one last favor?”

“Anything,” Sehun choked out, feeling the tears well up, threatening to overflow. 

“Don’t forget me.  How I used to be.  Don’t forget the way I was when we were…friends.  That’s how I want to be remembered.”  

His eyes were closed now, but Sehun still shook him.  “No!  Luhan!  Stay with me!  Stay with me!”

“Goodbye Sehun.”

Sehun started to sob, the tears streaming down his face as he clutched his friend’s body to his chest.  “Don’t do this Luhan!  Don’t do this to me!” he cried, burying his face in Luhan’s blood-stained shirt, ignoring the crimson liquid that smeared over his own skin.  “Luhan!”

His senses dulled, and he didn’t hear the police enter with the paramedics.  He could barely register their questions. 

“Sir, can you tell us what happened?”

“Sir, are you okay?”

He just continued to sob. 

A pair of unfamiliar hands tried to pry him apart from Luhan’s body, but he resisted, screaming and kicking, reaching for Luhan even as they pushed him farther and farther back. 

*  *  * 

The funeral was nice, Sehun decided.  

It had been small.  Too small, he thought, for someone as special as Luhan.  His sister was there, weeping like she should have been.  Sehun wasn’t sure if it was because her brother was dead, or because she was all alone now.  What with her mother’s death two years earlier and her father’s when Luhan had first started dating Sehun.

He shook his bitter thoughts from his head as he opened his car door and settled into the driver’s seat.  He hadn’t talked to anyone there.  In truth, he hadn’t even wanted to come.  The image of Luhan’s cold body refused to fade from his memory, and that made him indescribably angry. 

Even thinking about it now caused his hands to shake with rage.  How could Luhan do that to him?!  Not talk to him and ignore his existence for six years, and then decide to call him for his suicide attempt?!   No.  That’s not what you do to a person. 

And even worse.  Why couldn’t he just forget?  Why shouldn’t he be allowed to just forget all about Luhan? 

Now, having been the single witness to his death, Sehun knew he couldn’t.  It would be a long time before he could ever forget anything about that day.  

Luhan had to have known the position it put Sehun in.  He was left him with the feeling that it was all his fault.  Even if it wasn’t, Sehun knew that the guilt would plague him until he received confirmation from Luhan himself that there was nothing he could have done.  Now, Luhan was gone.  Meaning no confirmation would ever come. 

Sehun grunted and slammed his fist against the dashboard, slumping over.  The tears didn’t come, but he needed some way to vent his emotions.  “Why did you do this to me Luhan?!” he screamed to the empty air.  “Why couldn’t you just leave and not bother me anymore?!” 

His screaming was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.  Sehun sighed, running a hand through his hair and focusing on his breathing in an attempt to calm himself. 

“Hello?” he spoke shakily into the speaker.

“Oh Sehun?” came the question from the other end.

“Yes, this is he.  Who is this?” Sehun sat up straighter, his curiosity temporarily blocking out his rage.

“This is Park Chanyeol.  I have with me Luhan’s will, and I’ve called to inform you that he has left something to you.”

“Oh,” was all Sehun could say.   His thoughts were becoming conflicted again.  If he accepted whatever it was Luhan had left him, he knew that would make it even harder to forget him.  But, at the same time, he felt that he owed it to him.  He owed it to him to at least see what it was.

“If you’d like to come pick it up, we have the object at our office.” 

The man gave him the address, and Sehun scribbled it down on a scrap of napkin.  “Thank you sir.  I’ll be right there.”

He hung up his phone and tossed it into the passenger seat.  He started the car and proceeded on his way to the office, the entire time wondering if he was doing the right thing. 

*  *  *

“This is it?” Sehun asked, looking down at the object in his hands.

The man nodded.  “Yes it is.  He was very specific as to which box, and this one is it.”

Sehun didn’t speak for a second.  “Well, thank you,” he finally said. 

He walked slowly back out to his car after leaving the man’s office.  The box felt heavy in his hands, as if it somehow knew the conflict Sehun was feeling about it.  Should he open it?  Or should he toss it in the nearest trash can? 

When he made it to his car, he still held the box. 

Sitting down again, he took a deep breath.  Open it?  Or leave it? 

Open it.  Please Sehun, open it.

He looked around, breaking from his thoughts.  He had heard Luhan’s voice. 

No.  No, that’s silly!  Luhan was gone.  Luhan was dead.

Please Sehun, do it for me.

There it was again.  Sehun blinked rapidly and shook his head.  He wasn’t hearing things.  He wasn’t.

For my memory.

He slammed his eyes closed.   “Go away Luhan.  You’re dead,” he growled under his breath.   To his relief, the voice didn’t respond, but his heart had already made a decision. 

When he reopened his eyes, his hands seemed to move of their own accord as they unlocked the box, lifting the lid for him to peer inside. 

It held a single piece of paper. 

A letter.

Sehun’s hands were shaking again as he lifted it out, ever so carefully.  His heart beating rapidly against his chest, he unfolded the paper, beginning to read.

Dear Sehun,

                If you’re reading this, I’m not alive anymore.  I’ll be honest; it’s a relief to know that I succeeded.  I want you to know that I planned this for a long time.  But I could never follow through with it before.  I wanted to though.  I wanted to so badly.  I want you to know that this was in no way your fault.  I did not kill myself because of our break-up years ago.  Truth is, I never stopped loving you, but I didn’t regret the time I’d had with you.  They were the few good memories I had left.  After my mom died, I didn’t have much to hold on to.  Then I lost my job.   Things went downhill from there.  I was going to lose the apartment. 

                I couldn’t stand seeing what my life had become without you.  I was disgusted with myself and my lack of…anything.  I lost the will to live Sehun, but I knew that before I died I wanted to see you one last time.  I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me.  I never forgot you.  At first, you were what pushed me forward.  Thinking about how much you had believed in me kept me going.  But I couldn’t do it anymore. 

                I want to thank you though.  I know that if I called, you would come.  You were the right person to give all my love too, Sehun.  Thank you for being my rock.

                                  Yours,

                                      Luhan

Sehun was crying now, the tears blurring his vision and dripping off his nose onto the paper, making the ink run.  The moment where he had watched Luhan’s last breath leave his body came rushing back, and his hands began to shake so hard he feared he might rip the letter. Starting with the door that had slammed shut in his face six years ago and ending in the moments where he’d held Luhan’s lifeless body, Sehun had never forgotten him.  And now he knew that he never would.  And he was okay with that.  Luhan deserved to be remembered.  The way he had been.  Happy and easygoing. 

Sehun looked down once more to read the last line.  The line that caused a smile to break over his face, even as the tears poured from his eyes. 

               P.S.  I’m sorry I slammed the door in your face six years ago.  It was a mistake, and I see that now.  I just want you to know that from now on, you don't even have to knock. 

A/N: Well, here it is.  Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!