Hey! This is xforevax filling in for SHINeegirl910! She's been really busy lately, so I've decided to come in and help! So first off, I'd just like to say I'm sorry if I sound really harsh in this review. I'm not like SHINeegirl910 and I tend to not be as kind as she is when it comes to these sorts of things! Anyways, let's get this started.

Title: How Lucifer fell in Love with Luciel

Author: SSZE_A501
 

Brief Description:

Brief description of story: We all know that Luciel believes in Love.
But Hey? Does Lucifer believe in Love?
Do you guys believe that Lucifer can fall in love with Luciel?
No? But what if it happens, but as you say no? What if it doesn't happen,
If it happens they have to sacrifice themselves, if it doesn't happen they have to fight eachother.
What would happen to Lucifer and Luciel...?

Genre: Romance
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Title- 10/10

The title is really good? When I first read the title, it really drew me into your story. I kept me wondering, how did Lucifer fall in love with Luciel?  Having a title that is able to draw a reader in at first glance is really good.

Description/forward- 10/20

First off, your description has grammatical errors in it.

We all know that Luciel believes in Love              We all know that Luciel believes in love.
But Hey? Does Lucifer believe in Love?               But, hey? Does Lucifer believe in love?
Do you guys believe that Lucifer can fall in love with Luciel?         Do you guys believe Lucifer can fall in love with Luciel?
No? But what if it happens, but as you say no? What if it doesn't happen,  No? But, what if it does happen? What if it doesn’t?
If it happens they have to sacrifice themselves, if it doesn't happen they have to fight eachother.                                                                 If it happens, they must sacrifice themselves; if it doesn’t, they have to fight each other.
What would happen to Lucifer and Luciel...?                               What will happen to Lucifer and Luciel?

Honestly speaking, I didn’t like your description. A description is for readers to read it and roughly get an idea of what is about to happen. You are speaking as though, we as readers, know exactly what you are talking about. We don’t know who or what Lucifer is, neither do we know who or what Luciel is, so really, we don’t know whether or not Luciel believes in love. I know I’m being really about this, but I think you need to tell the reader what a Lucifer is, and what a Luciel is in the description. I know it is an apply fic, so you were probably waiting for the applicants to come in, but you still need the description to be informative. I think it’s also a good idea to have changed both your description and foreword once you had finalised the chosen characters, rather than using the body of the story to show the profile of each of the characters. For a new reader, this is horrible confusing, and for a person like me, I get completely turned off an apply fic if they start chapter one with the applies have come in, I'm going to be choosing them next week blah blah blah. It's a much better idea to start the story at chapter one, so that readers who happened to drop by your fic can start reading it without having to skip through pages about the choosing process.

Originality/plot: 26/30

It was quite original, having the females playing the dark and witty devils and SHINee playing the males who are the complete opposite. The plot is pretty simple if you got a grasp of exactly what was going on, but for some sections of the story I was thoroughly confused. Especially at the beginning when the prologue kicked in. I was reading it and thinking, who is she talking to, where the hell are they.

Grammar/Punctuation/ Writing style: 10/30

Okay, this is where most of the problems come in. I’m not sure if you’ve re-read or used spell check whilst writing your story, but you should have if you didn’t. At the moment, the story is overflowing with errors (sorry if I sound mean). The point of writing a story is to express what is happening through words, definitely NOT emoticons. Emoticons can be used in text messages, but not as part of the dialogue to show emotion.

This:

"It looks tiring and annoying to have one of those.. -__ - " - Myung Hee

Should be:

“Having one of those looks tiring and annoying,” Myung Hee said with a blank expression.

This,-_-, shouldn’t be used. If you are going to describe your characters emotions, then write it in word form. If Myunghee doesn’t really like the idea of having a phone say so, don’t put in an emoticon to try to convey her feelings. I know it is hard to describe her emotions, so emoticons seem like a better option, but in reality it isn’t, because some people (i.e. myself) aren’t really in the know when it comes to emoticons, and would have a really hard time figuring out what it actually means.

Another ongoing problem in your story is the way you present your dialogue. If you are going to say who is currently speaking, use words such as said, commented, exclaimed, etc. Using a dash and then inserting the name of the speaker isn’t following the conventions of writing. I’ve seen other authors writing dialogue as though they were writing a script, which is sort of like what you are currently doing, but in a story it is much better if it is written normally. It is best to write a fanfic, like you would write a short story to be handed in to your teacher. Dialogue also allows you to describe the character and the surroundings, and not only that but develop the characters and the plot.  Therefore, getting the dialogue right from the very start is essential.

Once again, I am being really about this, but throughout your story you use ellipses (…), which isn’t a problem, because I use it throughout my stories as well. However, it comes in threes, which means there are 3 full stops (or whatever you want to call it). Occasionally you’d use five or more at one time.

You should also fix where you end sentences, where you capitalise words and where you place commas.

This:

I should have lied to the teacher for Jonghyun,

because of me, Jonghyun had to get hit on the head twice,

Should be:

I should have lied to the teacher for Jonghyun.

I didn’t and because of me, Jonghyun was hit on the head, twice.

Overall, I think you should go through the story for errors such as the ones listed above. I know I sound horribly mean, please don’t hate on me because of this. I know it’s hard because you might have been in a rush whilst writing some of the chapters, as a writer myself, I know I make a lot of errors, and should get into the habit of re-reading things. If we both re-read our work, many of the mistakes we make in our chapters would be eliminated.

Characters and Details: 6/10

Because your story is an apply fic, the females weren’t formed by you, thus I would imagine it would have been a lot harder to develop the female characters because they weren’t your own. Despite that, you still developed the characters quite well. As for the detail, your story lacks a lot of this. Detail is everything for a good fan fic, and as I’ve mentioned before, your style of writing dialogue isn’t helping very much. More detail means that the reader is able to fall deeper into the little world you’ve created, which in turn makes a better story.

Total: 62/100

General Comments

Your story had a lot of potential; apart from the errors, your story was actually quite enjoyable. I’m not sure if your first or second language is English, either way, I am really sorry for being so horribly mean and picky throughout the entire review. So please don’t let my words turn you off writing, you’re ideas are always very original. I hope the rest of your stories go well, because I can see you have quite a few. GOOD LUCK!