I am not over it.

There, I said it. So don’t tell me that I’m just wallowing in sorrow and drowning in my self-pity. It has only been a month since we went our separate ways. Don’t tell me that I have to get over it. I am not over it. I can’t simply get over it. How can I when we were in love with each other for so long and somewhere along the way, he stopped loving me?

Don’t tell me that I am wasting my time dwelling over the past, over what we used to have. Don’t tell me that there are still plenty other fishes in the sea. I don’t need to hear your clichéd motivational words that you probably picked up from some random website. I don’t need you to constantly point out every day that I am missing out on life. I don’t need that.

You have to know that I’ll be okay, eventually. Not now, but I will be. I can’t get over him yet, but that does not mean that I want him back. He’s moved on with someone new. He’s in love with someone new. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s good for him. They’re good for each other. Sure, I was broken when I found out he moved on. It was like as if the glass weren’t broken enough, it shattered again. I can’t say that I am happy for him, for them. I am only human, I am selfish. But I am still aware that I can’t be selfish to the point of trying to win him back. Because I know that this game would be pointless, I am already at the losing end. He gave his heart that was once for me, to someone new. I can’t take it back. I can’t steal it back.

I am sorry if you’re burdened by this. I am sorry if he feels burdened by this. I know about all of the times he came around to try and talk to me. I know about all the times he called just to ask if I was okay. And I know about all the times you told him that I wasn’t ready to see or talk to him. I hear you sighing every time you answer the door or his phone calls. I hear you whispering every time. Your patience is running thin, I can see that. I know. And I’m sorry.

That’s why I’m leaving. I can’t bear to see your friendship with him on the rocks just because of me. He’s your best friend, your Brother, your teammate. I can’t have your friendship and your career be put to a test because of me. I can’t have your team fall apart because of me. But I don’t want you to think that my leaving is solely because of this. Because I know you, the first thing you would do when you’re done reading this letter, would be to search the entire of Seoul for me.

The main reason for my leaving is not because I feel guilty for causing your friendship with him to falter. You’re a good Brother. You always have been. Whether he was your friend or not, you would still have stood up for me. I am going somewhere far away from Seoul. I need some time on my own, far away from this bustling city. I need to sort out these messed up feelings of mine. You should know by now that simply forgetting is not my answer. You have to know that if I were to do that, I’m afraid my heart would be closed forever. I don’t want that. As much as it hurts, it is better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all. Isn’t that what Dad used to tell us too?

I will be back, that, you don’t have to worry. You already have a lot on your plate. So just for once, don’t look for me okay? I promise on all of the stars on my bedroom ceiling that I will be back. And when I’m back, I’ll be the same old me again. I’ll be the same, happy-go-lucky little sister that you have always adored.

I will be home soon, I promise.

Love,
Lee Minhyun

“What does it say?”Zico asked for the third time.

The studio was quiet. No one dared to say a word or move an inch. All eyes were on Minhyuk. The letter in his hands was slightly crumpled from his clenched fists. Jaehyo knew something was terribly wrong. Why did Minhyun pass the letter to their manager instead of delivering it herself? Why is there even a need to give a letter to her Brother?

Yukwon watched in anxiety as his hyung’s hand fell limply onto his side, the letter still in his grasp. He felt his breath hitched as a lone tear slid down the older boy’s cheek. He felt his stomach twisted in knots thinking of the possibilities. What might have happened to Minhyun is because of him. Yukwon felt his heart sank when Minhyuk looked at him with teary eyes.

“She left.”