Jiyong is standing alone at the Jungmun beach, enjoying the beautiful scenery in front of him. The sound of the waves and the sea breeze making him feels relaxed and peaceful. He closed his eyes, feeling the sun illuminate his body. Today is our fifth anniversary and finally tonight I’m going to meet you, hyung! Do you know how much I missed you? Jiyong smiled, he can’t hide his happiness. I knew you’ll laugh when I act cute in front of you and you’ll hug me, giving me butterfly kisses all over my face. Remember when I call you ‘oppa’? You tickled me, playfully bite my neck and I can’t stop laughing.

Jiyong glanced at his watch. It’s almost 15.30 pm now. I’d better be hurry otherwise the flower shop will be closed. He drive away from the beach and went to a flower shop to buy a bouquet of white lilies. Isn’t it lovely? I’m sure you’ll like it, hyung. Jiyong the engine of the car, heading to Donggwang-ri. Do you missed me, hyung? Do you feel what I feel? It feels  like a butterfly playing in my stomach now. I’m little bit nervous yet excited at the same time.

Jiyong parked the car at the safe side of the way. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. A moment later, he grab the bouquet and stepped outside the car. Jiyong bite his lips as he walk down the hills until he finally found it. A small angel statue with ‘Choi Seunghyun’ beautifully engraved on it.

I’m here, hyung. Finally I have the strength and courage to visit the place where you died two years ago. Jiyong put the flower bouquet next to the statue, tears streaming down his face now. He lose someone he can’t replace.

It was two years ago when they planned to celebrate their third anniversary in Jeju island. Seunghyun was there two days earlier because of his work and Jiyong will be there exactly on that special day. Late in the afternoon, Seunghyun went to pick Jiyong at the airport. It was raining hard that day and he drive carefully as always but unfortunately a drunken trucker hit his car. It was a horrible accident and Seunghyun died instantly.

Jiyong sobbing hard, full of pain and sorrow. It’s not fair, hyung! Why?! Why fate keep us apart?! Where did I go wrong?! We were very happy together, we made plans for our future and suddenly..suddenly you left me. Do you know how difficult it is for me?

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. But don’t worry, hyung. I’ll be fine, everything is gonna be alright. I love you and I knew you love me too. This is the first time and it will be the last time that I ever visit this place, the place where you tragically died. Goodbye, hyung. Until we meet again..

~~

Jiyong went to his car and driving back to the hotel. He booked the same hotel as two years ago, Lotte Jeju Hotel. After he put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign at the door of his Pacific suite, he decided to take a bath. Jiyong poured Penhaligon’s Lily of The Valley bath oil in the bathtub and lying there for almost an hour. When he’s done, he get up and took his Tigan capsule to prevent nausea and vomiting. He continued drying his wet body and after that, he apply Penhaligon’s Lily of The Valley lotion to his milky white skin. Hyung always love this scent. He can’t get his hands off me once I finished with my Penhaligon’s ritual.

In front of the big mirror, Jiyong looked at himself. He looks handsome with his white long sleeves and white trousers. Do you like it, hyung? He closed his eyes, imagining Seunghyun is standing behind him, smiling and hugging him tight. He walk to his suitcase and grab few things from it.

Jiyong put a bottle of Absinthe, a reservoir pontarlier glass, a silver Croix Suisse Absinthe spoon, few sugar cubes and a pack of Ativan on the coffee table. Happy fifth anniversary, my love! Let’s party! Jiyong smirked. He poured the Absinthe into the glass, put the Absinthe spoon across the rim of the glass and place a sugar cube on it. He drip few drops of ice cold water carefully to the sugar cube and when the sugar is totally dissolve, he stirred it with the Absinthe spoon. Green fairy, do your job properly and take me to my beloved Choi Seunghyun. Make me happy, okay? Jiyong chuckled and drink it in one shot.

He do the same process again with the Absinthe and this time he took some Ativan tablets before he drink it. Jiyong lit a cigarette, his mind is full of sadness. Hyung, I can’t stand it anymore..I’m coming to you. I’ve tried to get on with my life but I can’t. Nobody knows how depressive I am after you died. My poker face helps me through the day but in the end all I have is just emptiness. My soul died with you two years ago, hyung.

Again, Jiyong took some Ativan tablets and drink his Absinthe in a quick shot. It’s my life so I decided what I am going to do with it. Some people might say that I’m stupid because I threw my career, my fortune and my life away just like that but for me this is the right decision. The best decision I ever made after that terrible day. I want to be with you and if I can’t be with you in this life then I want to be with you in the afterlife. I’m aware of my choice and I won’t regret it.

His head became lighter now. Trying to stay focus, Jiyong took a handful of Ativan, put them all in his mouth and grabbed the bottle of Absinthe, drink it all until the last drop of it. With his visions became blurry, he slowly walk to the bed and flopped on it. He has no idea how many tablets he already swallowed, 20? 30? Or even more? But he knew the effect is begin to working now.

With his frail body lying on the king size bed, Jiyong started to laughing. He is hallucinating now, he saw a white unicorn in the room, a big lollipop candy with rainbow color, a giant red mushroom with white dots on the top of it and a cat with big grin on it’s face. Hey, you look like the Cheshire cat! Jiyong giggles. Am I became Jiyong in the wonderland? But where is my prince charming now??

Suddenly he saw Seunghyun standing next to the bed. Hyung! He tried to get up and hug him but he failed. He can’t move his body and his voice won’t come out. He begin to cry, feeling so sad and miserable. Hyung! Why do you only looking at me? Why don’t you hug me or even say a word? Don’t you love me anymore? Jiyong sobbed quietly.

Somehow he heard Seunghyun’s tender voice talking to him. I still love you more than anything you could ever imagine, Jiyong-ie. Are you sure with what you are doing right now? Your time hasn’t come yet so you’re still able to come back to life. Jiyong nodded his head firmly. I know what I’m doing and even if I failed to kill myself this time, I will do it again and again until I succeed. I’m nothing without you, hyung! Can’t you see how much I suffered?! I’m tired of pretending that I’m alright, I wanna be ing selfish and end it all at once!

This time Seunghyun reached his hand and Jiyong grab it without any hesitate. He can feel Seunghyun’s warm hand like when he was alive. They’re hugging each other without saying any word. Seunghyun smiled and kiss Jiyong’s lips gently. He hold Jiyong’s trembling hand and whispered, “Let’s go, my love. From now on, we will be together forever and nothing can separate us anymore.”

~THE END~