Chapter 4
Just a Foreign Exchange StudentI was standing in the middle of a blank room, looking around anxiously. A familiar image started to take place, and I started to hear the joyful chatter of the other students. I realized I was walking back to my room with Donghae and Ryeowook.
“Then you probably haven’t heard Siwon sing, Hannie.” Donghae pushed my shoulder playfully. I had no idea what we were talking about before, but I laughed and nodded my head slightly. Somehow, I felt like something dreadful was going to happen. I looked around confusedly, and my gaze met Heechul’s. I widened my eyes and started walking faster, pulling them along with me.
“Aish, stop tugging on me Hankyung.” Donghae laughed and stood rooted to the spot. The uneasiness grew in my chest as I begged him to come along with me. I could see the smirk beginning to form on Heechul’s face, but they didn’t see him.
“Hankyung, what’s wrong?” Ryeowook asked me worriedly. I didn’t know. I shook my head as I pleaded with Donghae. All of a sudden, a bolt of lightning flashed in the air, brightening the light. I closed my eyes, letting go of Donghae. The light began to fade, and I heard a creaking sound.
“What was that?” Ryeowook tugged on my sleeve and I shrugged my shoulders, looking around for Heechul, but he was gone. I sighed, still a little uncomfortable.
“Come on Donghae.” I motioned to him, but he was staring up at the tree in front of him. I cocked my head, wondering what was wrong, until Ryeowook let out a scream.
“Donghae, move!” He started pulling on his arm, but Donghae stood there with his mouth slightly open, his eyes wide at the now falling tree. I stood frozen with shock as Ryeowook pulled on Donghae, pleading and begging as the tree slowly toppled over, right on to the silent Donghae.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I jerked upright, gripping the blanket tightly. I bit my hand to keep myself from screaming as I panted heavily. I wiped my forehead, which had collected a little sweat. My breathing slowed down as I realized I was back in my room, safely in my bed. I clenched and unclenched my hands into fists, and fell back onto my pillow. I looked over to the clock to see that it was 3:30 a.m. I slowly looked over to Ryeowook to see him sleeping peacefully, a small smile on his face. I chuckled to myself, telling myself that I was worried over nothing. But I couldn’t fall asleep again, and even if I did, that same dream would repeat over and over. And each time, I would stand frozen with shock, not knowing what to do. I didn’t know what that dream meant, but I was going to watch over Donghae today at school.
I groaned and hit the alarm button as it beeped annoyingly. I sat up slowly, exhausted from last night. I buried my face in my hands and groaned again, extremely tired. Ryeowook came out of the bathroom, whistling happily.
“Good morning Hannie!” I smiled slightly at his bright mood and nodded my head in greeting. I didn’t bother to open my eyes, but instead took my clothing and felt my way to the bathroom. Aish…I probably got a total of three hours of sleep last night, which wasn’t doing any good for me. I slipped on my clothes and snorted quietly as I felt unfamiliar denim surround my legs. I brushed my teeth slightly and brushed my hair before slowly walking out.
“Hankyung you look terrible!” Ryeowook exclaimed. I smiled and sat on my bed, immediately closing my eyes again.
“Thanks, that really boosts my self-esteem, Wookie.” I was too tired to even be surprised at the nickname that slipped out, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“No, I mean you look like you didn’t sleep at all last night. And you’re face is so pale!” He peered into my eyes, obviously worried. He immediately got my sunglasses and slipped them on to my face, hiding my tired expression.
“Much better. But are you sure you’re able to go to school today?” I nodded my head quickly, fighting the urge to collapse in my bed. Something strange was pushing me to go to school today, but I didn’t know what.
Ryeowook bit his lip and helped me up, packing my bag for me. I knew I had a dream last night, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. I racked my brain for any information as Ryeowook got ready for school, but couldn’t come up with anything. Sighing in defeat, I grabbed my bag from him and smiled tiredly, motioning to hurry up. As we walked down the hallways, I heard footsteps hurriedly following behind us. I turned around, only to be attacked by a bear hug from Donghae.
“Good morning!” Donghae pivoted around me, walking in time with us. I grunted in acknowledgement, closing my eyes, slightly leaning against him. Donghae didn’t notice, but instead was chattering away with Ryeowook. I groaned silently as Donghae left my side, going in another direction to his class. I could barely move my legs, but did my best to shuffle to my class along with Ryeowook. The teacher greeted me, and I smiled, doing the same.
“I’ll wait for you outside my class before lunch, okay?” I nodded my head numbly, barely hearing him. The first few periods were quite boring to be honest, but I did my best to do the work, trying not to doze off to sleep. I scowled at each clock in the classroom, hoping it would go faster.
By the time it was the period right before lunch, I was annoyed and cranky, both side effects of being tired. I finished my morning work and waited for the class to start. I rested my elbows on the desk, putting my head in my hands. I was just about to doze off when I felt the presence of a tall figure sit down next to me, shuffling papers. I looked up and widened my eyes in surprise.
“Siwon? You’re here?” He laughed and pulled out a pencil, immediately getting to work.
“I’m a student in this school, Hankyung. Of course I’m here.” I grinned, realizing how ridiculously stupid that question sounded.
“No, I mean, for some reason, I didn’t expect you to be in the same class as me.” He looked up and flashed another smile, showing his dimples.
“You missed two days worth of morning classes. How would you know?” He asked teasingly. He paused, before adding on. “You know, you can fall asleep in this class. This teacher is kind of boring.” He leaned in close, lowering his voice on the last part. I stifled a laugh, pushing him away.
“I’m not that tired.” He rolled his eyes, picking up his pencil again.
“Yeah, that’s the reason why you looked so dead tired and pale before I came in. Don’t think I didn’t notice.” I smiled, raising my hand to my cheeks by reflex, immediately feeling warmth press against my fingertips. I shook my head, losing the urge to yawn.
“You know, I’m not that tired anymore.” I looked to the front of the room as the teacher started the class. I was able to focus easily, compared to my other morning classes. And just as Siwon said, this teacher was boring. He droned on and on, writing notes on the board that I copied down quickly. I couldn’t help but notice Siwon’s eyes glaze over again, just like in the tree. It killed me not knowing what he was thinking, but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. Somebody behind me reached over to tap my shoulder. I turned around to see a pretty girl with blonde hair. She smiled at me and batted her eyelashes. She looked familiar, but I didn’t know from where.
“Um...may I borrow a pencil?” She pouted slightly, resting her chin on her hands. I blinked and grabbed a spare pencil I had on my desk. As I turned around again to give her the pencil, she grinned and batted her eyelashes again. I smiled slightly, feeling a bit uneasy about her.
“Um...may I borrow a pencil?” She pouted slightly, resting her chin on her hands. I blinked and grabbed a spare pencil I had on my desk. As I turned around again to give her the pencil, she grinned and batted her eyelashes again. I smiled slightly, feeling a bit uneasy about her.
“Thank you, oppa.” I flinched at the new name and nodded my head, turning back around. I felt something nudge my arm, so I glanced sideways to see Siwon grinning teasingly, elbowing my arm. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the board.
“Oh shut up…” I muttered. He simply snickered and listened to the teacher, a mischievous glint in his eye.
As soon as we were dismissed, I gathered my things and bolted out of the room with Siwon, relieved to go to the cafeteria.
“Hankyung oppa…” Siwon smiled as I glared at him.
“You know, that term can be used as respect.” Siwon smiled even wider, nudging my arm again suggestively.
“Yeah, especially when she bats her eyelashes at you.” I punched his arm lightly, sending him off to another round of laughter.
“Jessica sure does look like she has a thing for you.” Siwon said, smiling again. I shrugged my shoulders. So Jessica was her name…
“But I’d stay away from her if I were you.” His smile immediately disappeared as he turned towards me, his expression serious. I narrowed my eyes as I smiled mischievously.
“Jealous much?” He shook his head, smiling a little.
“No, it’s just that she’s part of Heechul’s group. Plus, her reputation in this school as a isn't doing her any good.” My smiled instantly faded as I finally realized why she looked so familiar. She was standing near the back when I accidentally bumped into Heechul. By that time, we rounded a corner, going into the cafeteria. I felt a pair of arms slip around my waist and I turned around to see a breathless Ryeowook.
“I was waiting for you but you never came!” He pouted, and I soon saw Donghae come up behind him. I fell silent. There were only two reasons why I missed meeting up with them. One was because I was dead tired by the time he told me, and two was because of…
“Siwon hyung!” Ryeowook complained. Donghae shot a playful glare at him. Siwon widened his eyes exaggeratedly and looked at them, blinking.
“What? Me? No…” He smiled wryly, just when I felt a different pair of arms wrap around my neck from behind.
“Hankyung oppa…may I borrow a pencil?” I sighed and pushed Eunhyuk’s hand away, sending everybody into a fit of giggles, just when Kyuhyun and Sungmin met up with us too.
“Did you have to tell everybody?” I scowled at Siwon, but he just widened his eyes innocently again.
“Hey, why is everything being blamed on me?” Donghae beamed a little too happily as he spoke up.
“Actually, that was my fault.” I stared exasperatedly at him as he tapped the side of his head, a reminder to me of what he could do. I closed my eyes, pinching the top of my nose. This was going to take some time getting used to. I turned around, walking towards the cafeteria and away from them.
“Okay, you know what! I’m just going to have a peaceful lunch by myself if you guys aren’t going to-”
“Hankyung oppa!” I stopped in my tracks and turned back around slowly to see Jessica smiling at me. This was possibly the worst time ever for her to come up to me. I looked behind her to see Donghae, Eunhyuk, and Ryeowook leaning against the wall, laughing silently.
Siwon covered his mouth and looked away, but I could see his shoulders moving up and down. Kyuhyun and Sungmin both smirked, their faces glowing with amusement. I forced a smile and looked back at Jessica’s grinning face.
“Yes?” I said through gritted teeth. She held out her hand, and I saw that it was my pencil. She cocked her head a little as she spoke again.
“Here. I was going to give this back to you but you ran out of the classroom so fast I couldn’t keep up with you.” I muttered a “thank you” under my breath and grabbed the pencil out of her grip, sliding it in my pocket.
“I suspect you’ll be there at your friend’s performance?” I gave her a look, and then glanced up to see my friends stop laughing.
“What performance?” I narrowed my eyes at her, just when Yesung came up behind her, anxiously pushing her away.
“Okay, enough information for now!” He chuckled nervously, pushing her towards the cafeteria. “See you at our…performance!” Jessica looked confused, but nodded her head and waved goodbye. I crossed my arms, waiting for an explanation. Ryeowook laughed and patted my arm, pulling me towards the room.
“Don’t worry; we were going to tell you anyways. It’s basically an after school activity that we do.” Sungmin scoffed and smiled. I blinked, realizing this was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile. He looked cute and adorable, so unlike the icy personality I was used to.
“More like what you four do. Eunhyuk, Donghae and I stay out of it.” Kyuhyun shrugged.
“Nothing big, just a singing activity. For fun. We practice in the auditorium and we usually attract a crowd.” He added with a smile. We sat around a table and I watched as they passed their money to Donghae, who offered to buy them lunch. I was going to reach for my wallet when he just grinned at me and ran off before I could give him any bills. I blinked and turned back around.
“He does know that I have my own money right?” Ryeowook laughed and nodded.
“So what is this singing group anyways?” Siwon settled back into his chair, a faint smile on his face.
“Something to relieve stress, or simply when we’re bored. We practice over the summer, and occasionally during school. Then we organize performances after school in the auditorium. It’s a group that Ryeowook suggested, and we happened to have many followers who love our singing.” I nodded understandingly.
“We’re like mini celebrities in this school!” Yesung exclaimed. Siwon gave him a look, but smiled nonetheless.
“You know, I was trying to be modest here.” Yesung beamed at him, just when Donghae slowly sat down, his arms full of trays for us.
“You’re coming right?” Siwon leaned forward, his arms rested on the table, smiling with anticipation. I shrugged and laughed once.
“I guess, but what time?” Ryeowook waved his hand, dismissing that topic.
“Don’t worry about that, we drag you everywhere we go anyways.” I smiled at his childishness.
“Today, it’s just going to be Ryeowook and Kyuhyun doing a duet, and then a trio between Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Yesung. There might be more, but it depends on what the fans request. I’m not going to be singing because my throat’s a little sore.” Siwon piped up, rubbing his neck. Sungmin stared curiously at him.
“Aren’t you going to tell Hankyung about the fan-” Kyuhyun covered his mouth with his hand and smiled mischievously at me.
“We’ll let him find out himself.” Sungmin glared at him and tore his hand off. Kyuhyun was grinning widely at Siwon as a silence slowly settled in. Siwon glanced at him and looked behind him, making sure that he was looking at him.
“Kyuhyun…is there something you need to say?” His eyes narrowed as his smile got wider.
“It’s your turn tonight.” I felt confused as they talked about their own topic, leaving me completely clueless. Siwon narrowed his eyes and looked at me, then rolled his eyes, turning back to his lunch.
“You know, if Hankyung isn’t my friend by tomorrow, I’m blaming it on you.” I sighed, giving up on comprehending this topic. I listened quietly at their conversation, the playful banter between Sungmin and Donghae, laughing at the cuteness of Ryeowook. But my gaze would always travel to Siwon. His dimples when he smiles, the way he covers his mouth when he laughs, and the way his cheeks turn pink when he was caught talking too much with his hands. He would always look up to me and quickly glance away, talking about random things with the others. Drumming my fingers absentmindedly, my mind traveled to the performance after school, wondering how Ryeowook and Kyuhyun would sing. But before my mind could travel further, we were dismissed from the cafeteria, Ryeowook pulling at my arm to follow him out.
“See you in the afternoon!” He called out, separating to go to his other class. I walked with Eunhyuk to our class, feeling a little worn out from lunch.
“You okay? You look pale.” I yawned and nodded, looking back at Eunhyuk’s worried face.
“I’m fine, just a little tired.” His eyebrows furrowed together in thought. He pouted a bit and nodded, ending the conversation. The class dragged on, the teacher talking and talking, seemingly interminable. I watched Eunhyuk’s leg bounce up and down, he himself obviously bored. I shifted into autopilot, listening while my mind was someplace else. My thoughts wandered, eventually settling on Siwon again. The laughs we shared on that tree, the look of confusion when I handed him that bubble tea, and then that damn-why-didn’t-I-try-this-before expression when he first took a sip. I smiled the tiniest bit, recording down the notes the teacher was blabbing on about. I yawned again, drumming my fingers without a thought. I wish Siwon could’ve sung tonight, because I really wanted to hear what he sounded like. I frowned a little, realizing what I was actually thinking about, and switched to the dream I had the previous night. I still watched over Donghae, and felt a little uneasy when he was not around me, but I kept my hopes up and thought happy thoughts. The class dragged on, and once he dismissed us, I sighed in relief, gathering my books and walking out with Eunhyuk.
“You looked spaced out today. You okay?” He held my arm lightly in worry. I nodded my head, glad that I had my next class with Donghae.
“I feel tired, that’s all.” Eunhyuk raised an eyebrow, but nodded his head. I waved goodbye as we parted, me going into a classroom while he went down another hallway. I tapped the desk nervously with my fingers, anxiously waiting on Donghae to arrive. As soon as he walked in through that door, I smiled and waved him over. He grinned confusedly but sat down next to me.
“What’s up with you today?” I shrugged, still happy that nothing happened to him.
“Excited for that little performance tonight, I guess.” I said somewhat truthfully. I didn’t care if he was able to access my thoughts, but I still lied anyways. Donghae looked as if he was about to say something, but stopped when the teacher started speaking. I fell silent, going into autopilot mode again, thinking about Donghae being safe now.
I bolted out of the room just when he dismissed us, glad that school was over. Donghae ran up to me, breathless.
“
“
Jesus, why do you run so fast?!” I chuckled, slowing down to walk in step with him. Another fragile silhouette came to join me, bumping me to the side playfully.
“Hey, Hankyung!” I nodded my head in acknowledgement at Ryeowook and started walking in the direction of our room, when he suddenly pulled on my arm, leading me to another direction.
“Where are we going?” I asked, curious. He smiled and let go of my arm.
“The auditorium, stupid! To do our performance, remember?” Oh right. I forgot about that because that class was so damn boring.
“I’m glad that you will be able to hear us sing, hyung! You should sing sometime soon too. I still have that song on my computer.” He nudged my side with a smile as I shook my head, my face reddening a little.
“Oh yeah, Ryeowook showed me that recording. You know, you should sing with us sometime, or maybe do a solo or something.” Donghae suggested. I shook my head again, smiling a little at their eagerness. I was surprised at the amount of people standing around, or chatting with each other in their seats. It looked as if there were approximately 30 people.
“You know, this doesn’t look like an auditorium. There are no seats lined up.” I pointed out. Donghae smiled.
“It isn’t. This is actually a small gym that was supposed to be torn down when the new one was built. The teachers allowed us to use it occasionally. The chairs are totally optional.” I made my way to an empty seat when he grabbed my arm again, leading me someplace else.
“Where am I going now?” I whined. Ryeowook laughed and went on stage, slipping behind the curtain, pulling me along with him.
“Backstage, with us!” My mouth made a small “o” as I understood where he was getting at. As we opened a door into a room, a couple of voices flooded into my ears. I saw Kyuhyun and Yesung standing in a corner, looking intently at a piece of paper, singing quietly. Ryeowook was pulled away from my side as Sungmin came and pushed him towards Kyuhyun and Yesung, saying that they needed him. Siwon was sitting back in a chair, smiling faintly at the hustle and bustle going on around him. I took a seat beside him.
“You guys do have a lot of fans.” Siwon straightened up in surprise when realizing that I was there.
“Yeah, I guess. It all started out as a private thing between the four of us, when one student passed by and heard us, eventually leading up to a huge crowd.” He sighed. “The things we do for our fans…” I laughed at his over exaggeration. He gave me an innocent look, his eyebrows shot up with his eyes open wide, his mouth slightly open.
“I’m serious! Oh and by the way, I should apologize in advance.” He smiled, truly apologetic. I cocked my head to the side, and was about to ask what he meant when I saw the lights dim. He grinned and motioned to come closer to the stage. Ryeowook pushed past us, sending me a smile.
As he spoke in the microphone, I realized something. The transformation of Ryeowook being on stage was amazing. He was already cute and adorable, but this was a fluff overload. Ryeowook said more things, and Kyuhyun came on stage, slinging an arm around his shoulder. More voices spoke up, a couple of squealing here and there, and I smiled, looking amusedly at the reactions. I was honestly a bit surprised at Kyuhyun's sudden touch, but I let it go. They talked into the microphone, Kyuhyun’s head resting against his, just when they invited Sungmin and Eunhyuk on to the stage.
“So this is what you do on stage?” I chuckled quietly, careful so my voice wouldn’t carry. Siwon nodded, smiling. At this point, a rich voice started singing, so I turned back to the stage to see Kyuhyun starting off, Ryeowook joining in later. Siwon left my side, and soon returned with Yesung, carrying a keyboard on to the stage.
“The golden boy!” I was surprised to hear this emanating from the crowd most of the time. Siwon flashed a grin at them, causing giggles to fly in the air. I did a double take when he came behind Yesung and kissed his forehead. There were many screams to accompany Yesung’s smile. As the keyboard was set up, Ryeowook sat down, still doing the duet with Kyuhyun. Donghae came up beside me and slung an arm around my waist. I looked curiously at him as he laid his head on my shoulder.
“Get used to it because you’re going to be seeing a lot more.” He answered my silent question with a smile as he looked up at me.
“Something called fan service, Hannie.” I nodded silently, a little amused with the whole idea.
“Both Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are great singers.” I said, trying to get my voice heard over the loud applause. Donghae left my side for a moment before coming back, pushing a chair towards me. He sat down next to me with a relieved sigh.
“Ah, yes I know.” Donghae rested his head against my shoulder as three of them started on another piece. Siwon quietly made his way backstage, his face flushed. He grabbed another chair and sat down on the other side of me.
“Again, I’m apologizing in advance, Hankyung.” He smiled sheepishly.
“I’m pretty sure I’m still going to be your friend afterwards Siwon.” I laughed, but he only chuckled nervously. Donghae and I sat in silence as Siwon fidgeted nervously. I enjoyed hearing Yesung’s voice as the song came to an end. Kyuhyun came to the microphone, and arm around Sungmin.
“Hey, let’s give a shout to a new friend of ours! Hankyung, get out here!” He looked towards Donghae who smiled and pulled me up out of my chair. I widened my eyes and tried pulling his hand off when Siwon’s hand wrapped tightly around my other wrist. He gave me a reassuring smile, standing up beside me.
“Don’t worry.” He laughed, pushing me to the stage. I stumbled, dumbfounded at the sudden pulse radiating throughout my body.
New comments floated into the air from the crowd, and I felt the tips of my ears burn at the giggles from the audience. I smiled slightly and waved, earning a flurry of excited voices.
“Aren’t all foreign boys good-looking?” Donghae suggested into the microphone, wrapping his arm around my waist. I blushed, unconsciously moving to the side to get away from the audience, only to be captured in Siwon’s embrace. Squeals rose into the air, hurting my ears.
“Aren’t all foreign boys good-looking?” Donghae suggested into the microphone, wrapping his arm around my waist. I blushed, unconsciously moving to the side to get away from the audience, only to be captured in Siwon’s embrace. Squeals rose into the air, hurting my ears.
“! Sorry...” I muttered under my breath. A low chuckle arose from him.
“I’m pretty sure I’m going to be you friend afterwards, Hankyung.” He mocked me. I narrowed my eyes at his amused expression. Eunhyuk took the microphone, muttering something low into it, causing Siwon to glance up, suddenly aware. I didn’t catch what he said, so I was confused. He slowly let go and put an arm around my shoulder. I realized that I was hearing my name.
I looked around in confusion as Siwon mumbled something in a low breath.
“Oh great…” Ryeowook laughed and took the microphone, saying something random.
“We all love your support! Saranghae!” A cheer arose from the audience, along with hollers.
“Fun isn’t it?” Donghae went up to me, and whispered in my ear with a mischievous glint in his eye. All of a sudden, his hand disappeared behind Siwon's back as he gave a rough push. I turned in surprise to find Siwon’s face inches from mine. The people went wild and my eyes grew large as I leaned back in surprise, only to lose my balance, grabbing onto his shirt for support. We both slipped and fell hard, his lips smashing into mine. Screams emitted from the students, and I swear, I couldn’t hear in one ear anymore. I saw his eyes go wide, but he didn’t exactly pull away on the spot, nor did I. I did not expect the rapid beating throughout my body, threatening to explode. Yes, I did feel the pulse from Siwon, but this wasn’t a pulse anymore. It was more like a rapid drum rattling through my bones. This was wrong, definitely wrong. It was what I was told my entire life. Siwon pulled away awkwardly, propping himself up with his elbows. I glared at Donghae who was bent over, laughing his head off.
Siwon helped me up, gently putting his arm back around my shoulder. I tuned out from what Sungmin was saying into the microphone now, more focused on the arm that slid from my shoulder to my waist, resting just on top of my hip. It was just fan service. Just fan service, and nothing more. It was like a fight between myself. I didn’t want to give in, but I knew if I did, I’d be in a huge mess. Give in to what exactly? I did not know. All I knew was that there was an unexplainable force literally trying to drag me in to give in. All I did now was smile to the audience, resting by slightly leaning against Siwon’s side. After the performance, Ryeowook kept pestering me about it while we were walking through the hallways.
“I’m sorry Hannie! The things we do for those fans!” Ryeowook said with a smile. Donghae came up to him, an arm slipping around his shoulder.
“Actually, that’s technically my fault. I was the one who pushed Siwon!” Ryeowook glared at him disbelievingly.
“And you’re happy about that because…” He asked with narrowed eyes. I gave a laugh.
“Oh please, I’m fine. Just fan service right?” I smiled and I saw the relief wash over Ryeowook’s face.
“Hankyung is right, just leave him alone. It is just fan service.” Kyuhyun said, shrugging his shoulders.
“I just don’t get why you don’t keep this fan service between your own relationships.” Sungmin sighed and smiled, still affected by the happy mood from the performance.
“We honestly tried that at first, but everyone wanted some ‘golden boy’ action, which eventually messed everything up.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Golden boy?” I asked disbelievingly. Siwon laughed beside me.
“Alright, we’ll explain that to you later.” Conversation started, playful banter bouncing back and forth between Donghae and Sungmin again. I was completely aware of Siwon carefully placing his arm around my shoulder again, walking just a bit closer to me. This was just a friendly act. Just a friendly act. So why couldn’t I stop the rapid beatings of my heart as soon as I felt that familiar pulse? Just a friendly act…just fan service…I wasn't supposed to feel this way...right?
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