*Eunhyuk*

“Tell me again about that night” I hear my therapist ask me. I stand in front of her book shelf at her office looking up and down at all the books.

“Again?” I ask her nonchalantly.

“Yes. Let’s go through the details of that night again” she clicks her pen and taps her heel to the floor.

“I was… kneeling over him and my fingers were around his neck, he was tearing…” I took one book in one hand, another, another one, one last, and then I move the books at the top shelf at the beginning of it and put the books I had in my hand. “I ran away from him and went up to the last floor and got on the roof. He followed me. We talked. He told me to leave”

“Elaborate” she said clicking her pen again.

I froze.

“Elaborate?” I asked back, confused.

“What did he say exactly” she explained calmly.

I look at the floor, my eyes moving quickly not focusing on anything. What did he say? What did he say?

…

…

“He said…” how many times have I seen the same scene in my head? I’ve been dreaming with this night for the past few months… then why can’t I remember? What did he say? Come on, come on, remember, what did he say? “He said… that I… should… leave”

“What were his words?” she asked again.

I turn at the books shelf again and grab others books and start replacing them in other places.

“If you won’t kill yourself you should sign in a mental institution”

 “His words were if you won’t kill yourself then you should sign in a mental institution” I answered, hearing his’ voice in my head.

“Completely sure?” she asked me scribbling down on her journal.

“Yes” I answered back, still moving books.

“Why did you take so long to answer?” she asked me, stopping scribbling on the journal.

“Because… I couldn’t remember” I answered honestly.

“You remember now?”

“I see the same scene every night”

“And yet you couldn’t remember at first” she said, with a hint of arrogance.

I smiled softly.

“I see the same scene every night, but I don’t want to remember the details” I answered back.

“Or maybe you don’t want to remember what happened” she said seriously, the room fell in silence, only the clock ticking away.

“I know what happened” I answered back voice soft.

“But do you remember it?” she insisted.

“What’s the difference?” I asked a little bit exasperated.

“You remember the scene you see in your head every night, but do you push yourself to really remember? What were you wearing? What was he wearing? How many steps did it take you to reach to the floor? Was it cold outside? Where there cars on the streets? What did he say?” she explained.

I was about to reach for a book but my hand dropped to my side. I was paralyzed.

What was I wearing? I was wearing my pajamas right? But… what pajamas? What was he wearing?

I…

“I don’t know” I answered honestly.

“You don’t know what?” she asked just a bit anxious of my answer.

“I… I don’t…” I stuttered.

“Answer the question Hyukjae” she said calmly, softly.

“I can’t” I answered a little too quick “I… I just…  I know what happened… I”

“Hyukkie!”

I feel a pain in my chest and I hug myself out of instinct.

“Let us finish the session here today, I will let you ponder on this, you may leave” my therapist stands up from her chair and walks over to the door, opening it for me.

“Where can I… help today?” I ask walking to the door.

“Probably with the garden, meet Bom, she’ll guide you” my therapist smiles sweetly at me and I nod at her as I pass by her side and out of the room. “And Hyukjae” I turn back at her “Don’t forget to take your medicines”

I nod, and then she shuts the door after me.

I walk down the hall and through the main door and I start walking towards the back garden.

I see some patients helping out with tasks like cutting branches out of bushes or watering the plant.

I try not to look at them for too long, or I’ll end up doing the job they’re not doing perfectly.

I get to the back garden and walk strictly to the storage.

“Oh, hi Hyukjae, you want to help in the garden today?” Bom, a female nurse in her thirties with long red hair up in a ponytail and a kind smile, asks me sweetly.

I nod curtly at her and she tells me to wait while she goes to get some tools.

She comes back with a sponge and a bucket.

“You’ll be cleaning your favorite spot” she says happily.

“the fountain?” I ask just to be sure.

She smiles and nods. I take the stuff from her, careful not to touch her hands and then I’m off to the fountain.

The fountain is quite simple; it’s got four levels; the first one being a big circle and the base of the fountain, then in the center there was a pillar that went all the way up. There wasn’t a statue or anything just a little sphere on the top, but I love the fountain. Hearing the water running, small drops hitting the ceramic, just watching the water fall down; it was endearing to me, it calmed me, and I could spend hours by the fountain.

I fill the bucket with water, put in a little bit of soap and submerge the sponge in it. Then I start cleaning the base of the fountain.

“Hello” after a while I hear a voice that I’ve never heard before and I spun around to meet a young man staring at me with a small smile.

I just stare at him confused.

“I’m new here, they told me to help you clean” he says. He is a young man with reddish hair, big eyes, small nose and rounded face. He can’t be past twenty years. He has his hands inside the pockets of his white pants, he wears a white t-shirt, I can barely distinguish some marks in his wrist's and forearms, he's got his shoulders up, and he is bent down a little.

“um sure just… don’t come close to me” I say turning away from him and getting a bit away from him.

“you’ve got another sponge?” he asks with an accent I can’t recognize. I shook my head and I hear him about going to grab one.

A few minutes later he comes back. I hear him drop the sponge in the water and then he is near me, cleaning the base of the fountain.

“So… why can’t I get near to you?” he asks me, curious.

“I… I might have… an attack” I answer. I’m still not use to talk about my condition and I will most definitely avoid any kind of conversation with anyone who wasn’t my therapists, nurses or hospital staff.

“Is it related to why you wanted to kill yourself?” he asks, strangely calm.

“Why are you asking?” I asked to avoid his question.

“I’ve always liked to talk, and I’m curious, and I’m bored” he answered simply.

“How did you know I wanted to kill yourself?” I asked curious.

“You’re in the suicide guard for a reason” he answered a little amused. “and that reason isn’t because you were walking on sunshine”

“Why are you here then?” strangely, it was easy to talk with this guy… maybe because he was too open for a chat.

“Oh you know… love. Love drives us all crazy” he answered, his voice turning grim.

“Love doesn’t make us suicidal” I answered back.

“It does, when it goes wrong. It makes you feel a pain in the chest so bad that you prefer to deal with a pain in the wrists, because physical pain you can handle, emotional is way harder” he says, moving to the central piece of the fountain. I look up at him and his eyes are lost, his expression completely serious. “Love can be torn apart, and so can you”

“Love can also fix you…” I say voice barely over a whisper but he heard me.

“Yes; when done right, but you see… when you love someone you’re giving them the power to destroy you and trusting that they won’t. But then they do… they destroy you and they betray the trust you had in them. And then what can you do? How can you trust someone else? How can you live knowing that you were such a fool letting them in? thinking that they’ll never hurt you” his voice started getting angrier and angrier until he started sobbing, hot angry tears rolling down his cheeks. I felt a pain at my heart remembering what I had done to Donghae… I had destroyed him, he trusted me and I had betrayed him.

“And you know what is the worst part?” he asked me, eyes never leaving the fountain “after all, I still love him”

Tug.

I still love him.

He still loves me.

You deserve and update.

even though it's small

and ty

I'm sorry