Sunggyu.

Who was he?

Who is he?

I think I remember, somehow.

Back at home, back when my mom used to put a towel under my shirt, on my back, to stop me from sweating too much as I played with my trucks and toys on our grassy backyard, he was there – he had been there, I’m sure.

Home, where exactly is home?

It’s not here; I know it’s not. It’s not.

How can this be home? I smile bitterly from behind the back my hand. I turn to my left and find my balcony windows open wide, the stars peeking from the folds of the curtains.  I suddenly feel hopeless, empty and lonely and the stars are gazing into my soul. But this isn’t the first time, I always feel lonely, horribly lonely especially in this big, heartless city.

Slowly, I feel gravity pulling me deeper into my bed, and the sheets of my bed wrinkle under my body pressed deep into them. Slowly, I feel sleep pulling me into her arms. Slowly, I think.

No, home is back there, back where Sunggyu is.

***

“Woohyun-ah!”

I turn to look behind me, where my mother stood by the back door with her hands on her hips and a frown on her lips.

“How many times do I have to tell you,” she starts walking towards me and I let go of my plastic cars and stand up, wiping my dirty hands on my shorts. My mother yells at this. “You need to put a towel behind your back before you go outside and play – and didn’t I tell you to never, ever wipe your dirty hands on your clothes?”

She brushes my shorts with her palms, “Look, now you’re all dirty.” She sighs, then looks at me one more time before finally turning around to leave, “Make sure that you’re inside by five, and clean by six just before dinner, okay?” She leaves the door open and I turn to peek at her, she’s busy tending to her cooking.

I frown, my toys long forgotten beneath the green grass that tickles my legs and feet.

Suddenly, a glowing thing catches my attention. It’s coming from behind the hole from one of the fences, the hole where I used to bury my treasures – they were actually old copper spoons and flower-shaped coins, but they were my treasures from my adventures.

I run towards it, my shoes digging into the moist soil, and I guess this startled the glowing thing as I see it move, and within a blink of an eye, it’s gone.

“Woohyun-ah, you better not be making more mess out there!” My mother yells from inside the house and I flinch even though I know she can’t see me, didn’t see me running to the other end of our yard. I blink a few more times, before shrugging.

Slowly trudging back to where I had abandoned my toys, I fail to see a head of brown hair peeking through the hole, its curious eyes scanning my little figure.

“And then suddenly, Dongwoo comes out and grabs my soldier so I kind of had him play as my commander in chief!” I squeal in delight and kick my legs as my mom parks and stops the car. She unlocks my seatbelt and I wriggle out of it, she laughs.

“That’s wonderful, Woohyun-ah,” she opens the door for me and I jump out, running to our door only after a few seconds.

“Yes, and guess what!” I jump as my mother finally gets to our porch and unlocks the door, I don’t wait for her ask what, “He also agreed to play with me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day after the next day, too, and the next day after the next day after the next day, too!”

My mother continues to laugh as we enter the door and I kick my shoes off of my feet. She ruffles my hair affectionately. I grin up at her. “Okay, okay, I get it. Now go and play as I cook for dinner, okay? Your dad will be home by eight this time, so you’ll have another hour to play.”

“Yay!” I pump my tiny fists into the air and scramble out of the backdoor to finally continue playing with my toy cars that I love so much.

After an hour of playing, I sit on the grass and giggle as I crash two of my toy cars together, they make a loud noise and I add my own sounds to it.

“What are you doing?”

My head snaps up and I see the same glowing white light I’ve seen from yesterday.

It’s a boy – I mean, he’s a boy. He’s looking at me with small eyes and his lips are kind of pouting – it looks funny.

“You look funny,” I point at his lips and copy him, giggling as I pucker my lips out.

He frowns at this, “Yah!” He still looks funny.

I stop giggling and look at him once more, “Hi. You’re funny and I like you, let’s be friends.” I stand up, and almost brush my hands on my shorts but I remember my mother’s words so I stop,  “My name’s Woohyun, what’s yours?”

He only looks at me and tilts his head to the left for a while, then he turns his back to me and starts walking to the hole.

I look at him, confused. “Hey? You don’t want to be friends with me?”

He only looks at me one more time before finally slipping through the hole.

“Huh?”

“And then he just walks away from me!” I tell my mom about the boy from the backyard with mashed potato in my mouth, my spoon violently swinging in the air. My mom looks at me from her plate, then glances at my dad, I continue, “Why doesn’t he want to be friends with me?”

“Dear,” my mother starts softly, wiping gravy sauce from the corner of my lips with a tissue, “I think it’s better that you’re not friends with strangers, right?”

I frown. But why?

My mother then tells me to quickly finish eating as my curfew for bedtime was fast approaching. Coincidentally, I accidentally glance through the window and there, outside and beneath the sheet of stars shining down above us, I see the same glowing boy peeking through the hole.

“Huh?” My mother looks at me.

“Yes, dear?”

I shook my head, “Nothing, mother.”

The boy stares back at me, his eyes twinkling in the dark. “Nothing.”

“I was waiting for you.” I say as I look at the same boy who appeared in front of me from yesterday. “Why don’t you want to be friends with me?”

He looks a bit startled, stopping in his tracks.

“My mother says it’s okay that we’re not friends because you’re a stranger,” I fold my arms behind me, “but you won’t be a stranger to me anymore if you become my friend, right?”

He stands a little straighter but he still looks at me with his guarded eyes.

“I could use a little more friends than just Dongwoo,” I say, flashing him my smile and offer him a hand, “So, let’s be friends, okay?”

I stretch my hand further into his direction; I hope he takes my hand.

It’s cleaner now since I really did only wait for him to come all this time ever since my mother had parked her car and started cooking dinner. Maybe it was because of my dirty hands, besides, mother told me that people hated touching dirty things, so I tried not to play with my toys before I got to talk to him, the boy.

“Okay?” I ask one more time, “My name’s Woohyun and I’ve seen my dad shake hands with people before and they became friends so let’s shake hands and become friends, okay? My name’s Woohyun, by the way.”

And I guess my clean hand somehow helps because the boy slowly walks to me with his eyes set on my hand and then he brings his own hand up and clasps my hand in his, and he’s really pale and white, but we shake hands.

“I think we just became friends,” I beam at him, my hand still in his. “My name’s Woohyun, what’s yours?”

“Sunggyu,” he says with his very soft voice.

“Sunggyu, okay.” I smile and I open my mouth to ask him if he wants to play with me but my mom yells my name from inside the house and Sunggyu suddenly lets go of my hand and disappears.

I squint my eyes at the trees and grass, “Sunggyu?”

My mother only looks at me after I tell her that I finally managed to befriend the boy from backyard, “And his name’s Sunggyu!”

“Honey, where did you say you met this kid before?” My mother asks, placing a scoop of rice in my bowl.

“From our backyard, why?” I smile and say thanks before I grab a chicken strip and munch on it slowly.

“But honey, we live in a small town, why would you not know everyone from here?” My mother’s tone changes but I am far too happy munching to notice.

I shrug, “Iunno, but we’re friends now and it’s all that matters, right? I finally have someone to play with after school, when Dongwoo’s not around!”

I also don’t notice the look my parents exchange above my head.

“I’m going to play with him tomorrow with my toy cars!”

“What do you mean I can’t play outside today?” I huff as I cross my arms on my chest, “But today’s the day Sunggyu and I finally play together!”

“That’s why, honey,” my mother says as she locks the door leading to the backyard and hangs the key on the wall where I can’t reach it. “Your father and I have thought about it, and it’s really suspicious to have a stranger just appear in our backyard and it’s dangerous, okay?”

I frown and cross my arms on my chest again, “It’s not fair!”

“Just be a dear and play in your room instead, okay?” She kisses my forehead and ushers me to the stairs. “I’ll promise I’ll cook you your favorite today if you listen to mother.”

I visibly brighten up and nod my head, until I realize that I still can’t play with Sunggyu even after we finish eating. I grumble, my arms tightly crossed over my chest as I make my way upstairs with my head hanging.

“It’s not fair,” I mumble as I open my room, “it just isn’t.”

“What’s not fair?”

My head snaps towards where the source of the voice came from and I almost scream in shock and fright when I see Sunggyu standing in front of my bed.

“Sunggyu?” I whisper, scared that my mother will hear me and I close the door a little too quietly. He only looks at me.

“What’s not fair?”

I purse my lips, “Mother says I can’t play with you because you’re a stranger.”

“Ah,” he finally says, looking like he is in deep thought, “Am I not a stranger?”

“No!” I say in panic before I realize how loud my voice is, I stay quiet for a moment to listen to my mother’s voice but nothing comes, I sigh in relief. I look back to Sunggyu and whisper instead, “No, you’re my friend now, right? You’re Sunggyu, and you know that I’m Woohyun, we’re not strangers.”

He only nods, and I think he’s kind of sleepy because his eyes droop a little down, covering half of his eyes.

“Are you sleepy?” I walk towards him, “Or do you want to play with me?”

He looks up and looks right at me, “Play?”

“Yes, play,” I beam at him and head for my chest full of toys, “do you want trucks or cars?”

“I don’t know how to play,” he says.

I stop searching for my favorite car and turn to look at him, “What?”

“I don’t know how to play,” he repeats, this time, he looks down.

“Hey, hey,” I rush to his side, “don’t be sad! I’ll teach you how to play.”

He looks at me with his eyes opened wide, “Really?”

“Of course!” I take his hand, and it is kind of cold but I ignore it, “Look, I’ll even let you play with my favorite car!” I hand him my number 7 racing car and it’s color red, “My favorite color’s red, what’s yours?”

“Favorite color?” He takes the car from my hands and I smile at him as he looks at it with his furrowed eyebrows.

“Yes,” I nod at him enthusiastically and I point to my car, “That’s red,” I point to my shirt, “This is blue and,” I point to his shirt, “and that’s white.”

“Oh,” his lips are open and I giggle at this, he looks like a hamster, “white.”

“White?” I ask, turning to my box to search for another car to play with, “That’s cool!”

“Oh,” he whispers.

“So, let’s play racing!” I jump to my feet as I finally manage to get my number 11 green racing car.

He nods and I smile at him once more.

Later, when mother calls me for dinner and I ask Sunggyu to wait for me after I finish eating, I go down and keep Sunggyu a secret from her, she will make Sunggyu go away if I tell her.

It is the first time I ever lied, but it’s okay because I like Sunggyu and I don’t want him to go away.

I finish my food quicker than I usually do and mother looks at me, “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“Oh,” I let my spoon and fork clink against my plate and I get down from my chair, “because the food is so yummy! I need to go now.”

She laughs and I’m already at the stairs, “Okay, Woohyun-ah. You have an hour more to play.”

I scream out an ‘ok’ and happily open my door, excited at what Sunggyu and I are going to play next but I don’t see him inside anymore.

I open my door a little wider and step in, “Sunggyu?”

He’s gone.

I see the cars lying neatly back in my chest, my favorite is right beside the green one but Sunggyu is nowhere to be found.

“Sunggyu?” I call for him once again, but nobody answers.

“Sunggyu…” I stare outside my window and I see Sunggyu’s back disappearing with the trees.

The next day, Sunggyu is in my room again. I excuse myself from my mother and she only looks at me in confusion when I miss out on playing outside, “Because I think playing in my room is better, besides, I get dirty in the backyard and nobody wants to touch a dirty person.” She lets me play in my room.

“Sunggyu, why did you leave me last night?” I pout, he’s standing in front of my bed again and his shirt is still white as ever. “I thought we were friends.”

“You’re Woohyun,” he says, “I’m Sunggyu.”

“Yes, and we’re friends,” I tell him once again, “and friends are not supposed to leave each other, okay?”

“They don’t?” He asks me and his head is tilted funny.

“Yes, they don’t,” I state in a matter-of-fact way, and then I laugh at him, “So never leave me again, okay?”

“Okay.”

Later, when I ask Sunggyu to wait for me, again, and this time I make him pinky promise (“What’s a pinky promise?” He asks me and I tell him, “Pinky promise is when you cross pinkies with a person and you make a promise and you can’t break it!” He looks at me as we cross pinkies, “okay.”).

When I come back and he’s still there, I smile at him and hug him. He only says okay even though he’s freezing but I ignore this and then we play a little more before I finally hear my mother’s footsteps getting closer and closer and I turn to the door in panic but when I look back, “Sunggyu!”

He’s no longer there.

“Woohyun-ah,” my door opens and my mother comes in, “have you taken a shower yet?”

I look at my closed window a little longer before my mother finally ushers me to the bathroom with a towel slung over her shoulder.

“My ninth birthday will be tomorrow and mother’s giving me a party!” I whisper to Sunggyu like it’s a top secret, “Will you come?”

Sunggyu never leaves me anymore, at least when I tell him he’s not supposed to. We always play with the cars, and I always give him my favorite because I don’t have a color white car.

“I can’t,” he says as the car in his hands bump with mine.

I frown and let go of my car, “What? Why can’t you?”

“I can’t,” he says once more, he also lets go of the car.

“I don’t understand,” I pout, “you’re my friend, right?”

“You’re Woohyun,” he looks at me, “I’m Sunggyu.”

“Yes, that’s why you need to come!” I try to explain, “Dongwoo’s been waiting to see you since he thinks he’s better than you - but you’re better, anyway. So why can’t you?”

“I can’t,” he finally stands up and I also stand up in alarm.

“Okay, okay!” I stop him; I know he’s going to leave, “please don’t go. I won’t force you anymore, please don’t go. Play with me, please.”

“Okay,” he sits down on the floor again.

I smile at him and hand him his – my – car. He takes it and we start playing again.

***

Ever since then, Sunggyu never left my side. Ever since then, he never broke our pinky promise.

I never really asked where or why he suddenly came into my life.

All I knew then was that I needed him and even though he never said it to me, he needed me, too.

I really do.

And as I dream about how life is always better when we were still children, he reminds me why.

***

“Dongwoo, no.” I say for the nth time as my best friend continued bothering me to go with him to some kind of club after school. We’re still in school and it’s currently lunch, it’s also ‘annoy-your-best-friend-with-stupid-ideas’ time for Dongwoo.

“Why not!” He pouts and it’s kind of disgusting with mayonnaise stuck on the corner of his lips, I stare at him with my lips in a frown.

“Because it’s stupid and we’re still underage,” I say, not even looking up from my bowl of pasta.  “Who even gave you that idea?”

I peek up from my bangs and he looks down at his own bowl of pasta, and I think I see pink tickling his cheeks, “Hoya.”

I tsk.

“B-but, he’s not that bad! He just wants to see how people dance,” he mumbles and I sense him giving up on persuading me to go with him.

I chuckle, “It’s fine if you go, but just don’t bring me into your mess.” I twirl the pasta with my fork, “Besides, Sunggyu will be staying tonight.”

“He always stays,” He finally looks up with a sly smile on his face and I know that smile, I can’t say I like it though, “Seriously, when are you going to introduce me to your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I glare at him, finishing off my food. “And I’ll never make you two meet each other, I can’t risk you having him infected with your virus and then having two idiots as friends.”

“Hey!” Dongwoo yells, but he laughs, nonetheless.

Sunggyu, how is he doing?

Sunggyu is already there, as always, when I get home. He’s already sprawled all over my bed with my favorite pillow in between his legs. His eyes are closed and I use this moment to study his face like I haven’t done it a million times before.

He’s still pale white, almost like a star and his hair is growing longer and longer as the years pass with his bangs swept to the side.

My favorites are his eyes, though. They are really stars, I think. They twinkle, even in the dark, even when we spend the rest of the nights together – side by side and I stare into his eyes and he stare back but I don’t mind, because I like looking at the stars in the sky but just having him beside me, I don’t even need the sky. I only need Sunggyu.

“Sunggyu,” I call him softly, setting my backpack on the floor and I walk to him, “Are you awake?” I ask even though I already know he is.

He nods with his eyes still closed. I laugh at this.

“Ever since I let you rest on my bed, you never get up even when I get home,” I , poking his shoulder and I think he bites back a smile because he his lower lip in and he’s just beautiful.

“That’s because there’s nothing else to do,” he says, cracking an eye open before closing it again, “and you’re gone almost three fourths of the day, I don’t have anything to do without you here.”

I try not to blush, but I do and I’m glad Sunggyu doesn’t see, “Do you want to go out?”

He sits up very quickly at this, “Go out?”

“Yeah,” I look into his eyes and I can see that he’s very excited; I guess he really will be excited, he’s always in my room. I suddenly feel guilty for keeping him in my room for a long time now, “Do you want to?”

He nods enthusiastically and I suddenly think back to the first time we met and it makes me laugh, because he had really been the shiest of the shy and look at him now.

I ruffle his hair, he frowns at this but I grin at him anyway, “You’re so cute.”

His frown turns upside down and he lies back down on my bed, letting out a contended sigh.

“Yah!”

“So you’re finally letting me meet this Sunggyu guy?” Dongwoo laughs as he follows me out of our school gates, he’s almost skipping.

“Be nice, okay,” I warn him, rolling my eyes at Dongwoo’s childish behavior, “He’s not really used to people so be nice, okay.”

Dongwoo finally stays calm beside me as we walk our way towards the park where Sunggyu is supposed to be waiting, “What? It isn’t like I’m the first human he’s ever going to meet!”

“Well, you are,” I think about it, “Aside from me, of course.”

Dongwoo gasps, the park coming into view, “What do you mean I am? Did you keep him in your room as a hostage or something?”

I shush him as we finally reach the park, swings and slides all present. I scan the field for Sunggyu (he hopes Sunggyu didn’t get lost or anything, but it’s not like Sunggyu’s never been out anyway, right?). I sigh in relief as he sees a head of brown hair and it’s almost easy to know it’s Sunggyu because there’s no other person here, really, and he’s wearing white, as always.

“He’s there, shut up okay,” I warn Dongwoo once more as they walk towards the said figure. Dongwoo snickers. “Sunggyu!”

The said man turns around and almost runs to me, his eyes are a little red – his nose, too – and he buries his head in my shoulder. “Woohyun…”

“What, what happened?” I ask, suddenly alarmed, my arms fitting comfortably around Sunggyu’s waist. “Why are you crying?”

“I -,” he sniffs, “I missed you.”

“What?” I hear Dongwoo laughing and giggling beside me, letting out an ‘awww’ but I ignore him anyway, “Then why are you crying?”

“I missed you,” Sunggyu finally looks up and there are dried tears on his cheeks and it takes me everything to not kiss him then and there (Did I just think of kissing Sunggyu?). “It’s the first time and I – I thought you weren’t coming.”

“Of course, I will!” I remark, softly smiling at Sunggyu, “I will never leave you, remember.”

“Pinky promise,” and we did.

“You two are so cute!” Dongwoo finally squeals as he claps his hands together. This surprises Sunggyu, who scrambles behind me and clutches on my bag.

“Ah, it’s okay, Sunggyu,” I turn to circle my fingers around Sunggyu’s wrist, cold as ever. “Sunggyu, this is Dongwoo,” I smile at Sunggyu, encouraging him to step forward but he stays behind me, tugging on my bag as if telling me something.

I offered Dongwoo an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry, Sunggyu suddenly…”

Dongwoo nods, a small smile on his lips. “It’s okay, Woohyun.” He turns to grin at Sunggyu, “Hi, Sunggyu. I hope you don’t think I’m weird or anything, but I’ll leave now.”

We both stay silent as we watch Dongwoo’s back get smaller and smaller, and finally vanishing around the corner.

Sunggyu tugs on my fingers and I look at him with a smile.

“I’m sorry.”

“Woohyun,” Sunggyu says my name once we arrive home. Both of my parents are gone and so I tug along Sunggyu behind me. He’s looking down, I know because I peek at him once in a while to see if he’s okay, and he’s not. “Woohyun…”

“It’s okay,” I know he wants to say sorry. “You shouldn’t be sorry, really.”

“Woohyun,” he whispers again, my fingers freeze on his wrist.

“It’s really cold, isn’t it?” we arrive in my room and I grab my blanket from my bed and drape it over Sunggyu. “Aren’t you feeling cold because I do.”

“Woohyun,” he finally says with power, his eyes directly looking at mine and I freeze along with my fingers from his wrist. “I have to tell you something.”

“What is it, Gyu?” I use my best smile where my eyes usually disappear but he only stares at me, lips barely shivering, but it’s really cold.

“Woohyun,” he moves to touch my fingers but I flinch and step back, I don’t know why, I want to hurt myself suddenly because I see a flash of pain in his eyes and then it’s gone, my fingers start to itch. I smile at him again.

“Hm?”

“Woohyun.”

“Sunggyu.”

“Woohyun, my name is Sunggyu.”

“You are Sunggyu.”

“I am Sunggyu,” I think he tries to smile, but his lips just don’t curl to the right direction and I smile (really smile) at this. “but I am also dead.”